- Member Since 13th May, 2012
- offline last seen Jan 30th, 2022
HoofBitingActionOverload
The sexiest man you've ever met.
HoofBitingActionOverload
Joined 13th May, 2012 ·
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I'm generally not much of a fan of Rainbow Pie (although this didn't have too much of it), but I really enjoyed this story.
Gave me some feels for Dash too. :P
Huh, I got much more than I was expecting.
Good job for something un-edited and random.
Damn but that was good.
Well....What did Dash do?
Outside of "She cheated her way into the Wonderbolts" We have no idea what it was. I'm curious as to what it was that she did to get in that was apparently so very wrong once it was found out. That is the only issue I have with this story.
1526445
It doesn't matter. All the story requires is that Dash got into the Wonderbolts dishonestly, and got caught for it. The specifics aren't necessary to understand what's going on.
I appreciate the discipline of the author in doing so. Keeps things neat and focused.
1526581
Sorry but it's just one of the few things that bugs me in stories. Character does something bad or something that causes others to look down on him/her and everyone else in the story knows what it is but the reader is never told. It adds a mysterious factor to characters and can work if it's part of the character general introduction but not in a character that's already established. It's almost as annoying as going from one chapter to end up with the next one starting with "A few weeks later..." or the such.
It would be like having a character who is a national hero have something dug up from his mysterious past and now he/she is facing death because what he/she did was so terrible and such a horrible act that it deserves that as a punishment. All the characters in the story react to the hero as if they know what this horrible deed was but the reader is never told. It would drive me crazy to not know what it was.
Like I said before, it's not a bad story and I rather liked it but it bugs me to not know what it was that Dash did that apparently caused such an uproar amongst the Wonderbolts and caused her friends to have such a reaction to whatever it was. More so since apparently nobody caught whatever it was that she cheated with or whatever for WEEKS after she joined.
I have to say I was pleasantly surprised by this story. Really loved the evocative wording that started it off: I'm sure we can all relate to that sick feeling in the stomach as something you really, really don't want to do draws ever closer, and how it seems to paint the world in greys.
I didn't see any obvious mistakes when I read this, and I thought you managed to keep to character for the most part. There was one thing that rubbed me the wrong way a little though: Applejack. That is to say, not that she was pissed off with Rainbow for lying in a situation where it mattered so much, or any of her reactions to that. What made me stop reading for a moment to go "...okay?", was how she based her certitude in condemning Rainbow as viciously as she really does, on how "All of Equestria already knows for a fact that you did!".
Of course, this is likely related to us not actually knowing what she did, and thus how much of a possibility there is for misinterpreting or misjudging or mistaking the matter. Still, I would have thought Applejack would withhold that kind of withering, condemning anger until she'd heard Rainbow's side of the story. As it stands, AJ seems more cruel and, really, shallow than I see her.
On the other hand, kudos for writing some good Pinkiedash, and for not making a big deal out of it in-universe. I have sort of an ambivalent relation to that particular ship, in that it's one of my favorite and one of my least-favorite ships, at the same time. I love the ship itself, but I dislike how it's written most of the time. Thanks for writing the kind I can tolerate. :D
I would say "keep up the good work", but if I know the type of inspiration that struck you at all, I very much doubt there will be more. And that's okay, really. This piece can stand on its own just fine.
1526656 In this specific case, I agree with you that it was distracting not knowing what Rainbow had done, for the reasons you listed. I think mostly that's because of a failure of imagination on my part, as I have a hard time thinking up a way she coud have cheated the sort of exam or audition or whatever the Wonderbolts might have. But anyway.
In principle, though, I have to disagree with you. By not giving away a key point like this, even though you might annoy the reader at one level, at another you get the reader thinking, and filling in the blanks for him/herself, since any explanation is going to work better than no explanation. And that, in my experience, is where the reader gets invested in the story.
Marking as incomplete because I think there are some loose ends that need to be tied up.
1526149
Not a fan of Rainbow Pie?! There's something very wrong with you.
1526303
Thank you.
1526306
Damn?
1526445 1526581
And that's one of the loose ends. Not explaining what she did wasn't so much of a stylistic choice as there was just never a good opportunity for it. I couldn't find a way to explain it without it seeming like 'And this is the part where I explain what she did.' I should be able to clear it up some, but I don't think I'll be able to explicitly state it.
1526656
Looking back at Fall Weather Friends, this isn't unprecedented. Rainbow Dash isn't above cheating.
1526987
And there's another. I need to resolve things between Rainbow Dash and her friends.
I wasn't very happy with that line, and I'll probably change it. It's hard to explain in-story that whatever she did, it was very obvious that she was the one who did it, without also explaining what it was. I had hoped that her not being able to offer up any excuse other than "I didn't do it" would make that clear, but oh well. Thanks for the comment.
I enjoyed this chapter, and I feel there could be a full story from this, and not just an added chapter or two.
Whatever it was that RD did, it had to have been pretty major for there to be a big media scandle because of it.
This story is awesome! Keep on writing!
I can't wait to hear what happens next; it's really intriguing!
1528351
You're right, if I had properly planned this out it could have made for a much longer fic. But as is, I didn't do any pre-writing at all, so there's only going to be one more part. Hopefully, that will be enough.
1529515
Glad you enjoyed it.
1531073 you can always take this story, and start planning it out into a full story, and rewrite it even if need be, though I could see it done without a rewrite lol
HAVE MERCY ON US! PLEASE SIR, SOME MORE!!!
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/17606__safe_pinkie-pie_animated_puppy-dog-eyes_.gif?1342433337
1531316
If I wasn't already working on two other fics plus five essays for school, I might take you up on that offer. I hate it when other authors leave fics incomplete for too long though and refuse to do that myself.
The second part will be good, I swear. :P
"Not a fan of Rainbow Pie?! There's something very wrong with you."
Indeed.
I enjoyed this and while Applejack was right, I still wanna bash her in the teeth for how over-excessive she was in her punishment.
AJ, I know overkill is good sometimes but this wasn't one of them.
Silver out!
Excellent, really enjoyed the read. Liked the different ways her friends handled the situation, though AJ was perhaps a bit over the top.
1541318>>1544659
Thank you both.
And yeah, AJ... I don't really have any defense. One more thing to fix in editing I suppose.
What I found really good, that no one else seems to have commented on yet, was Fluttershy's reaction.
It was great to see how deeply RD's actions wounded her given how much she has looked up to, and been protected by RD over the years.
Especially since the usual Fluttershy response to being slighted that writers choose is "Oh well, there there it's all ok"
Personally I found her reaction to be marvelous and completely believeable given her relationship with RD.
Yes she's the element of kindness, but that doesnt override emotional pain.
Oh and of course the PinkieDash was awesome
Hmm.. I found this most enjoyable. And yes Rainbow Dash would cheat to win, she's probably the most flawed of the Mane6. She would do anything to get into the Wonderbolts.
-1 for shipping.
+9002 for the rest.
That still puts you over 9000. Pretty good if I say so myself.
1560537
Thank you.
1570956
As much as I hate to admit it, Rainbow Dash is real jerk sometimes.
1587821
Heh, silly old memes. Is that a minus 1 because the shipping was bad or because you don't like shipping?
1589218
Don't like shipping in general. To be exact, F/F and M/M shipping.
But FWIW, you did it well. So this is more accurate. -2 for shipping, +1 for the quality of the shipping, +9002 for story quality, and we can call it even.
Rainbow Dash may not be above cheating but she's also far too talented to need to and as Wonderbolt Academy showed has too much respect for the them to every consider it. She would never cheat to get in and if she failed to she'd work even harder to fulfill her dream. It's just a flimsy excuse to pair her with Pinkie.
I know this seems cheesey or pretty silly to say but I'm crying right now. I get emotional easily and this story was great. Will there be a second chapter.
AHHH! I'm so jealous of how you completely nailed Pinkie.
I can't seem to get her QUITE there. Even if the Wonderbolts episode sank your premise, It's still a great story.
If I had to suggest ANYTHING, i would tell you to put the word "was" into your doc search and see what you can remove.
EX: She noticed Razorwind was looking back at her,
fixed:She noticed Razorwind looking back at her,
One less word, shorter sentence, and more importantly, It sounds more active... for lack of a better term.
I think I'll be watching you, and while it may be tempting to continue this story, remember that a story should only be as long as it needs to be. If you can add to it without compromising the tone or message, go for it. Otherwise, keep it where it is. .
Also, the bit about not saying what Rainbow did to get in trouble. I gathered that she injured or endangered another ponies life during a tryout or show to get a leg up on them. You did a great job of expressing that, but not including it in the story is what's referred to as "Chekov's gun".
"One must not put a loaded rifle on the stage if no one is thinking of firing it."
My latest story had an unfortunate instance of this btw so remember that none are perfect, but the story wouldn't have been completed on time or maybe not at all if i had fixed it.
That doesn't mean that EVERY LITTLE DETAIL you put in a story has to be used or included, but important ones should.
Keep up the great work and I hope to see more soon!
starlitomega
I know that feel.
This was pretty good. The characterisations of the Mane Six were solid, and AJ in particular was brutally honest but believably so. Also, it's always nice to see Pinkie Pie portrayed as a character with more depth. All in all, well played author, well played.
Great Story, but the ending caught me off-guard as it was a little abrupt, IMO. On a side note though, I really like these kinds of stories as half of the time reading is me actually reading it and half of it is me kinda just lolling of into space of what might and could happen next in the story.
That was a really good story but like other users said, a bit off hoof at the ending.
Otherwise, great story!
1868717
Well, no. This wasn't any sort of excuse to ship PinieDash, though I will take just about any excuse I can. There wasn't any shipping in the original version of this, and it's not meant to be the focus of the story. The shipping came about naturally as an extension of the main idea: Rainbow Dash dealing with being kicked out of the Wonderbolts.
This was written weeks before Wonderbolt Academy aired, before we had any idea what was entailed with being admitted into the Wonderbolts. I did the best I could with the information that was available to me at the time. Rainbow Dash wouldn't cheat in the sense that she would plan it out, but in a moment of desperation, nothing to do with lack of talent or respect, I think she would.
1869027
Sorry, no second part. Sorry for making you cry, or maybe I should be happy. I'm really not sure.
1869223 1869429
Thanks. I'm not sure if I completely nailed Pinkie, but I was very happy with how close I came. She's a challenge, probably even moreso than the other characters.
Ah, the dreaded 'was'. It's a malicious little monster that I just never seem able to escape from. I was very happy with Dash's 'crime' too. At first, I left it entirely up to imagination, but that openness was aggravating. I think I manged to show just as much as I needed to without actually including the event itself.
1870270>>1876135
*Bangs head against wall*
You're right, I can't believe I forgot to extend the ending to make it less abrupt. It totally slipped my mind. Darned holidays...
This story doesn't deserve the hate its getting. in fact none of your stories deserve any of this hate. i just dont see anything wrong with this one or the other ones if you don't like the shipping then don't read simple.
1884667
I'm not sure what hate you're referring to. On the contrary, the community has never been anything but friendly and helpful. And I've been absolutely astounded by how positive the reception of this fic has been.
1887815
Oh i was talking about the downvoting. yeah about everyone here is friendly.
this is good, and has a lot of potential to become more. i hope you do continue this story
1916884
There's definitely potential here to continue writing, and I would like to continue it someday. It's just a matter of figuring out exactly where the story goes from here.
“Hmmm...” Pinkie rubbed the bottom of her chin with a hoof, deep in thought. “Do you wanna go snuggle in my bed and make out?” Life lesson learned: Do something bad and you get to make out. SUCCESS!
2120599
Mission accomplished.
I was listening to Hans Zimmer's "Time" while I was reading this. It actually fit well with this story.
Very adorable, and well written. I found all to be well within character. Miss Dash has amply demonstrated in canon that she is fully willing and capable of cutting corners if winning is on the line, and she has never backed away from threatening or using physical violence. Only very recently (Wonderbolt Academy) has she understood that maybe, just maybe, the end does not always justify the means (and that required the near death of all her friends) though given how she habitually backslides, I have no doubt she will forget anon.
Applejack given her element would be the one most hurt by her deceit, though it is your claim that she would be capable of detecting falsehoods—it certainly didn't work against Discord or Chrysalis.
Fluttershy, Rarity, and Twilight behave as I would expect. Pinkie Pie would try to ignore the dark reality, but when pressed would be there for her lover.
All in all a bittersweet story.
2344412
Thank you. I'm glad you enjoyed it. It is disappointing how often the characters backslide in canon, and it isn't just Rainbow Dash. Every character seems repeat the same mistakes over and over, even after they've supposedly learned otherwise. Maybe it makes them more human.
Actually, it was Applejack's claim that she could detect falsehoods, not really mine. Though I admit that she hasn't shown any such ability (or claim of ability) in the show.
2371611
Too true (except obviously Rarity who sprang forth from her mother in the form of immaculate, eternal perfection, and who has never, ever erred or overreacted
). If there is one thing I would wish for future seasons, it is increased continuity. At least, the characters do not suffer complete amnesia unlike a lot of other shows.
Regarding Applejack, in the context of the story it probably did not exactly require Element level of falsehood detection skills to see that RD's (Antoinette?) story did not add up.
Holy shit... Why am I only seeing this now?
~Skeeter The Lurker
So you're gonna compound on her pain by acting like a bitch, AJ?
Only six?
First chapter reminds me of this.
sweet story brah, keep it up.
ending for me cute.
but I like it
Wha-? There is such a long gap between chapters!
What? I'm pretty sure I had favorited this.
Good thing it got featured then, would have missed it otherwise. =P
Great to see you still working on this! The story has been really good so far and I've really been enjoying your writing! I particularly enjoy the style and framing of the story. Keep up the great work
!
Every time I think of Applejack claiming she can detect falsehoods, I think of this comic.