Chapter Seven: The calm before the storm
The Conversion Bureau: The Last Job
By Da Bunnana King
Chapter Seven: The calm before the storm
====
The engine of the Humvee purred quietly as it made it down the streets of the near on deserted city of Huston. Ulysses remember back when he came to America to do some wet work for the American government involving some terrorists hiding out in the desert plains of Texas and New Mexico, he remembered coming here and how the town was bright and full of people. Now it looked like the rapture had happened as the streets were deserted, the building falling apart as if they were scorched by the sun and hit with rockets, the streets were dirty and full of trash and grime that had actuated over years of neglect and the sky it self was gray and black, the sun didn’t even penetrate the clouds and the smog. The city was dead just a city of broken buildings and twisted metal that was just waiting for it for to collapse on his self.
‘The great and might human race seventy years on and we have already killed ourselves with machines and our own greed… What have we become?’ he thought to himself while he leaned his face against the bulletproof window, ‘What did happen after the war?’ he remember the wars he fought in. The images of his best friends flashed before his eyes, both good time and bad.
“Something on your mind Ulysses?” James asked quizzically,
“Yeah, you could say that.” He replied depressingly,
“Well what is it?” he asked while cocking his head in Ulysses direction,
“What did exactly happen while I was frozen?”
“Well the corporations started to gain lots of power in the governments which means they could introduce laws and get them through easier than they used to, that cause lots of civil unrest. So riots were common for years then most of the governments establish a martial law. But the main thing that got us into this mess what when A.I. were introduced into the general public and well… this cause wide spread unemployment since most of the work was out sourced to them. So long story short, the A.I. came along and took everyone jobs and forced most people to live in worldwide favelas. So when conversion came along it was a utopia, but it came with a price that most weren’t ready to pay, most people wanted to cross into Equestria as humans so they could do the same thing with Earth. So that’s the most important history while you were away.” Said Jack interpreting the conversation
“Alright, so you guys want to go to Equestria?” asked Ulysses awkwardly,
“Yep, I don’t think I can continue living from shanty town to shanty town and living of garbage scraps… Shit the only reason I am in shape is because I had to hunt a lot to get my food and I had a bit to many run in with the PER.” Said Rafael from the drivers seat,
“I know that feeling man… I was locked in that cell for a year with out and no one to talk to... They did horrible thing to me… I don’t think I want to be human anymore… after what they did.” Said James with the look of fear on his face that made his blood run from his face and turn it colder than ice,
“So what about you Jack,” Said Ulysses poking Jack who he was sitting next to,
“Hu wa? Oh yes I nearly got converted but the bureau wanted me as a guard and Neil wanted me to unfreeze you and incase shit hit the fan once I had to tag along with you… but its going to be worth it once I am in Equestria.” Said Jack after losing concentration and was staring out the window intently looking at the ghost city,
“Well don’t worry, were all going to get there in the end. I promise since you lot are helping me and it’s the least I can do for my men.” Said Ulysses while checking his gas mask and making sure that the filter was working properly before placing it back on his webbing, “Trust me were all going to Equestria after this, because it was all in the contract.”
“Wow really so we don’t have to go to the Bureaus and get ponified their.” Replied James
“Nope we get the stuff in a vial and we meet up at a rendezvous point down the stuff and they place us on a boat and we wake up in Equestria where we will learn all the stuff their instead of the bureaus... that's if you want to of course but by the sounds of it looks like you guys are pretty eager. But I think l will stay human for a bit more to see if Celly needs any help on this side.” Said Ulysses picking up the AA-12's drum magazine and placing in more shells into it form the seemingly endless box of ammunition in the rear of the Humvee,
“Why? I mean this place is like a utopia. Why don’t you want to come with us?”
“Well the whole reason I joined up was to defend my country and the people in it… but now humanities gone bat shit crazy and I don’t see any reason why I should have to defend a dyeing species and besides some one has to get rid of the bad guys.” He said while picking up the M4 checking its ACOG sight,
“Oh well… Hey were here.” Said Rafael,
The Humvee slowly rolled into a narrow ally-way, which lead into a large opening which seemed to be an old loading bay which now seemed to have various semi-wooden pallets that over years of neglect were beginning to rot. The Humvee pull up in the middle of the parking bay, Ulysses had a gut feeling that this didn’t feel right.
“Eyes up. Stay frosty and scan the roofs anything moves… shoot it.” He said pushing the bolt into place on the M98B,
“Sir? Is something wrong?” asked Jack,
“Call it a gut reaction but this is how all ambushes I know were set up like this... Attack the target in a confined area where there aren’t much places to hid of cover." He said pointing to the small amount of boxes that were scatered around the place, "One-way in and out, no secondary escape route. High areas for snipers to have a vantage point,” He said pointing at the roves that surround them, “that also provide cover to the enemy and are also hard to destroy by the one whom is being ambushed.” He scanned the area looking to make a area to retreat to incase his suspicions did come true, “Place some C4 on that wall their and get some Claymores on the entrance and move the Humvee over near where your going to place the C4 and cock the machine gun too.” He said pointing to the positions,
“Sir…” Said Jack approaching Ulysses,
“THAT’S AN ORDER!!” he screamed, the thought of all the ambushes came rushing back to him… all the blood and dead corpses of his dead comrades flashed before his eyes terrifying him to his very bones.
“You hear the man, do as he says.” Said Rafael ordering the rest of the squad,
"Kiss ass," James angrily grumbled under his breath while removing claymores from his tactical vest.
“You ok amigo?” asked Rafael while placing a hand on Ulysses back attempting to comfort the semi-crazed soldier.
“Yeah, just some bad memories and my SAS training kicking in, now come on lets get to it.” He said shacking off Rafael’s hand, he had felt the feeling before may times in the past and it had scared him to the bone. The land around him seemed to become more electrified and darker. The feeling that was that of the calm before the storm and an impending doom.
====
Authors Notes: Well everypony good news!!! I came in top of my squadron for the rifling and third over all so now I have my badge that I can put on my service dress (Its SOOO SHINY AND GOLD!!!) But no this isn't the part of where I just go back and edit what I put up... no my humble readers this is where I work extra hard on the next chapter so that I can upload it and make you all sad. But yes expect me to be writing Chapter eight non-stop since I am going to actually give two flying shits about my work and make it the best (hopefully) thing I have ever produced so far. So if the next ones not good I'm calling this thing off and going to work on Sexico and other fics I am writing at the moment (No I am not going to out right stop writing this I am just putting it on hiatus so I can develop the plot more). Oh and I have noticed my 3000 views BUT I NEED MORE!!!! But as all ways my sexy readers I must go since my people need me.
BUNNANA AWWWAAAAYYYYYYY!!!!
-BunnnanaKing
P.S. Randal isnt going to edit the next one since I am going to try and be a bit more independent. And he didn't edit this one either too so expect some mistakes so point them out to me. Please... oh and don't forget to comment.
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Ok I'll get Randal to edit but I think this is you reaction right now.
anabolicminds.com/forum/attachment.php?attachmentid=51505&d=1327199456
I figured out how to do the .gifs
Sorry about being a tightass about it, but I REALLY dislike spelling and grammar errors
. Unfortunately I only see them as I go, so can't remember anything specific.
273052 Oh and this is coming from you 'Mr. I am going to describe my main characters leg hair' ... and give me a brake!
273322 I was just adding every detail I could think of, OKAY! How about I get you to edit pony bits, and someone else to do the Humany Wumany Flashbacky bits. I do think about things you know.
273370 or I could do it all.
273322 Due to the errors, my overall rating is unfortunately only 7.25/10
s. Good work though.
273382 hey... its hard to edit while riding the Carindale bus.
273391 I was rating The Last Job after several weeks of pondering, and so came to my rating of 7.25 Eeyups. As for your editing...I liked it better before. Maybe removing unneccecary descriptive detail was a good idea though. 8.5
s for the editing, well done
273495 good now give me bacon strips.
WE REVIEW THE FANFICTIONS NOW
As a whole, the plot is acceptable.
But, I must ask that you forgive me, DaBunnanaKing, for I am about to be cruel.
I am going to give constructive criticism.
I realize that you do this for fun; but if you wish to improve your writing quality, here are some points that really should be addressed.
I will not pull my punches on these points. You will hear my opinions.
If you'd rather not hear it, delete this comment right now. I mean it. Delete it, and that'll be that.
======
The story is good, but your execution leaves a great deal to be desired. Specifically, the punctuation and spelling aspects.
Look out for words which are spelt correctly, but are the wrong word. Word processors aren't that clever; They won't call you out on mistakes like confusing "You're" and "Your" - two different words, with two different meanings.
Example:
He said while picking up the M4 checking its ACOG site,
A "Site" and a "Sight" are totally different, and thus, this makes the sentence really strange. And yet, a word processor won't pick up on this, because "Site" is spelt correctly, and so there is, technically, nothing wrong with that sentence.
Punctuation. Let's break down one of your sentences.
‘Kiss ass.’ Said James under his breath while removing claymores from his tactical vest,
>Keep those marks you use around dialogue constant. Stick to "stuff like this" or 'Stuff like this', don't switch between the two. (You went back to using "these quotation marks" in the very next line.)
>"Kiss ass" would usually be followed with a comma.
>End of sentence gets a full stop, not a comma, unless James is going to keep talking.
This is how I'd write that sentence:
"Kiss ass," said James under his breath, while removing claymores from his tactical vest.
Getting into the really nit-picky side of things, try mixing up words. Going back to the James sentence, having people always "say" is somewhat boring. Mix it up. And in James' case, it's not something he just wants to say out loud, I think. When you call someone a kiss-ass unkindly, you tend to mutter it. Or whisper. Or something.
You said a few chapters back that you kicked Caliet off your editing team because you were "fed up with her near on rewriting of the chapters."
That is the editing process. Editing goes far beyond just punctuation and the like, it goes to story flow, as well.
Take your time with new chapters; given the choice between a "fast" and a "good" story update, I always choose "good". (There have been rare exceptions to this rule, written by godly authors who drink lemonade and piss excellence, but those are few and far between.)
Release it when it's ready, not when the internet is.
305215 Thank you. Thank you so much.
I thought about writing this again but there is a shiny object over there... TO THE OBJECT!!!
*falls off a cliff*
450609 Watch, thumbs up and comment on everything I write because it makes me feel all happy inside and it's also good to see somepony who enjoys my work.
450615 Lol :L It's good stuff to read (minus the grammar/editing nazi stuff, but that doesn't bother me) and you were on about moonbase alpha right? Or did I make a fool of myself?
450629 No that was BF3 but I don't have a PC (yet) so no Moon Base Alpha.
450645 Ok, just that the 'aeiou' thing was one of the many phrases that people use to dick about with on the text-to-speech system :P
450648 Oh trust me I have played Moon Base Alpha before and I was the one making my purple astronaut say. 'Look out for the moon bitches!'
450653 XD "Guise! we has to save teh moons!" and all the space trolling on the people who were being serious XD
450654 And I can now see why NASA's budget is so small.
450665 hehehe
344568 Yeah expect stuff like that.
356652 No, not really.
112352Tell me
HAS THIS GOT ANYTHING TO DO WITH THE AWSOME SAS?
763751 Did you read the prologue that had the word SAS in it?
Just the Australian version thou... so expect more Bruce and kangaroos.