• Published 28th Oct 2012
  • 12,448 Views, 991 Comments

Bathtime for Ponies - Derpsanddinks404



A second-person fic where you give fillies and colts a bath

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Discord

You crack your neck and shake your arms, preparing yourself for the largest challenge you've ever faced. After two previous hours of prepping and kicking yourself, you call in perhaps the weirdest thing you'll ever lay your eyes on.

"D-Discord!" you call nervously. You find yourself shaking a bit and stop yourself, not wanting to show any signs of weakness. After two minutes with no reply, the dreaded realization came to your head: you had to find him.

You slowly open the door and tiptoe out, preparing yourself for the worst thing the little ball of chaos could throw at you. You search everywhere in the house for Discord for fifteen minutes, only to get but one of his pruned feathers. You sigh in despair, trying to think of where he'd be. "Think, if I were the Element of Chaos, where would I hide?" Your eyes open as you sense someone (or rather, something) watching you. You look up to the ceiling and find a small yet long figure with a pair of asymmetrical horns and asymmetrical wings smiling deviously at you, clearly reversing the effect of gravity on himself.

You grab a chair and drag it over to where Discord hung. Attempting to grab him, you reach up high and grasp the child in your hands. Thinking this easy (too easy), you smile and pull down, only to come up empty-handed. Discord giggled malevolently at you, clearly defying friction now, making him slip right out. When you go to reach for him again, he snaps his fingers and disappears into thin air.

You jump down and grumble frustratingly. Another ten minutes go by, again with no results. Just then you walk by the bathroom and hear a bit of splashing. You poke your head in and see Discord controlling a candy cloud raining chocolate milk over the tub, ruining the water. You eek and rush over to the tub, punching the unnatural cloud out of the way and on the ground, where it poofs and disappears. You turn to Discord angrily and find him chuckling evilly at you.

Unplugging the chocolate-milk-and-water tub, you attempt your best to scold the young chaotic beast. Discord sighs loudly, showing his disinterest in your words, angering you further. When the tub is empty, you rinse it repeatedly to remove the chocolate stains, and then replug the tub and fill it again. You grasp hold of Discord, who was surprisingly still next to you, and place him in the filling tub, resisting his attempts to break free.

When the tub is filled with moderately-warm water, you grab the shampoo next to you and... squirt some in midair!? You turn menacingly to Discord and demand that he either puts the soap in your hand or wash himself with it. Surprisingly, instead of doing the latter, he releases his hold on it and drops it in your hands. You thank him and begin to wash his, er, mane? Well, whatever it was, it was hair on the back of his head, and you washed it for about half a minute, considering its small size.

You begin your routine process of scooping water and pouring it over Discord when you see that, out of nowhere, he had produced goggles and placed them over his eyes so as not to get them wet and soapy. You rinse out the colt's... chick's... THING's mane without question, something you'd learned to stop doing a while ago. What feels like an hour goes by with you progressing, making you realize that Discord was at that moment affecting your perception of time. You scold him again, but all he does is smile and take off his goggles.

Because Discord is too young to have his beard yet, you then reach for the feather shampoo and begin to lather a palmful throughout his blue left wing. It felt very odd to wash only one wing instead of both, like you're used to, but then again this wasn't any ordinary pony; in fact, it wasn't a pony at all! Washing his wing only takes about half a minute before you've fully made it soapy.

Again you begin your rinsing routine. To your suspicious amazement, nothing chaotic happens while you do this task. When you're done, you look the creature straight in the eye and ask him what he'd done. He shrugs sarcastically, causing you to look back at the wing and find it soapier than ever! You shoot him a scolding look, to his amusement, and start to rinse his wing for a second time. This takes you another half minute, despite it being worse than before.

You don't have the need to ask Discord to raise his tail because he was, you find out, wagging it throughout his bath. You grab onto it and stop it, while also grabbing the shampoo and squirting a small amount on the little fluff of hair at its end. You then rub it awkwardly into the hairs, unused to cleaning something so small. It only takes ten seconds before you realize that the suds are somehow being sucked into his tail! You shoot yet another look at Discord before giving up and rinsing out the little fluff, saying to yourself that it was close enough. To rinse it out, all you do is rub it into the water and pull it out three seconds later.

With the unnatural disaster some call Discord's bath over, you pull the being out of the tub and place him in midair, where he floats without flapping his wings. You brush this off and unplug the tub. Grabbing the towel off the sink counter, you dry off the beast as fast as you can, trying to get it over with before he made himself somehow get wetter, or he somehow disappeared from beneath the towel, or whatever came to his chaotic mind. Thankfully, his full body gets dried with no problem at all twenty seconds later. You dismiss the young freak of nature to both of yours' pleasure.

When you exit the bathroom, you notice that for some reason either the entire house was upside down or the entire world outside had flipped, for you saw outside a window that the tree in the front yard was now rooted from above.

"I need a nap," you grumble to yourself as you head to bed.