Trouble is stirring in Ponyvile when six new stallions and each of The Elements of Harmony is falling head over heels after the "New Mane 6".
Night Glint, Surprise, Yellow Cherry, Etiquette, Hoofstreak and Calm Demeanour are the Mane 6s equals, but when they start acting strange who know what'll happen.
When Pinkie and Applejack notice the suspicious activity they go and investigate, and the revelation they uncover will threaten the safety of Ponyville and all of Equestria.
Guys, be easy on me, this is my first story and I'm short on time at the moment.
Chapters (1)
WUBADUBDUB MUTHAFUCKAS! JKS I'm not really Vinyl, but she'll probably end up in my story on way or another.
Anyway, first story, some constructive criticism will be good.
So...
You have the Mane 6 being VERY VERY out of character here.
You don't explain a thing about these 6 stallions arriving out of nowhere, except that they are counterparts to the mares.
That's silly.
You made 6 characters as copies of the canon 6, and made the mares fall for them? What? Why?
The pacing is too fast.
I won't be tracking, as you've made this as dull as possible.
Before I even finish I noticed one really big thing it's lacking, description. What do these stallions look like? What do their cutie marks look like? Mane/tail styles, colours? Coat colours? Eye colours? All that jazz. Because right now, all I know is their names. What do they sound like when they speak(like accents, speech impediments)? Facial expressions?
You have the dialogue, but you need far more 'showing' and less 'telling' of what is going on. All I'm seeing is dialogue, which is fine, dialogue is good. But you need more descriptions of what things look like, what is going on, where somepony is. Show, don't tell.
Also, if you're going to put a spoiler for the next chapter, put it at the end of the chapter, not right at the beginning before I've even read the story. Kinda ruins it :/
1571208 hey hey hey
1571237 hay boi haaaaay
1571244 Y U NO ON SKYPE?
1571249 uhhhh i am? DID YOU EVEN LOOK SIR
1571253 Nope. I'm dumb that way.
1571256 I messaged you. PULL IT TOGETHER BRAH
Look, before I get another chapter up I made some revisions, and I know I'm a terrible writer, I just wanna get this out there.
I give anyone who sees this story sole permission to remaster it.
1571214
Thanks, for I've revised revised my first chapter and added in mane colour, coat colour, and cutie marks.
I will just slip in eyes and mane styles every now and then.
And the spoiler, for my next STORY, not chapter.
1571208And like I said earlier, I had a feeling this would be a bad story, but I did the stallions some proper arrival.
(SPOILER ALERT):
Do not read this if you'll read my story and want to know what's next.
The reason I had them appear out of nowhere and act like complete idiots is because they're changelings.
Changelings sent by Her (Chrysalis) ot gather the Mane 6's love, and become as powerful as the queen themselves so they can rule Equestria.
And also, I'd actually love someone to make this I to a good story, because I told this idea to a couple of writers, but none wanted to do it...
1571214
Okay.
I put in mane and coat colour and cutie marks, I'll slip in eye colour and hair style every now and then.
Im not even going to continue this story unless someone actually wants me to.