• Member Since 31st Aug, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 22nd, 2019

chaos2012


Action and darkness. Those are my specialties

T
Source

After suffering defeat and nearly dying at the hands of Goku, Broly barely escapes his dying planet and crash lands on the peaceful world of Equestria. Instead of trying to cope to the new world, however, the insane super Saiyan sees the peaceful ponies as pathetic life forms that should be destroyed. Will Equestria survive against the destructive warrior or wil it suffer the wrath of Broly?

Serves as a replacement to the movie 'Broly: Second Coming'.

Artwork belongs to hattonslayden.

Chapters (14)
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!
Comments ( 360 )

Yeah! Do I need to tell that this one got my thumb up before being posted! :rainbowlaugh:

Another great work Chaos! :raritystarry:

I demand MOAR! :flutterrage:

You're all going to die.

Broly is my all time favorite DBZ character. Ohhh this is gonna be good!! memecrunch.com/meme/7NCW/broly-s-options/image.png

All my laughter!:rainbowlaugh: I approve of this fiction!

Weehoo, this looks promising and the artwork is pure genius... Here, have a fave and thumbs :D

The artwork is very convenient:twilightsheepish:. This is gonna be good.

Ice

Ugh, I'm gonna be nice and try not to burst a vein on how you've misquoted the movie but besides that this might work.

Extinction of everything iminent

The Shitstorm to end all shitstorms approaches...:moustache:

Hooray I love cliffhangers!!!:rainbowlaugh:........ No seriously I do

>After suffering defeat and nearly dying at the hands of Goku, Broly barley escapes his dying planet and crash lands on the peaceful world of Equestria
>Broly barley escapes his dying planet and crash lands on the peaceful world of Equestria
>Broly barley escapes
>barley escapes
>barley

...

*Puts on his Spy paper mask.*

Oh no...

Post-read: Well, now we've got a problem. But first, the story.

The story itself was entertaining, but it read off as robotic. It feels like you're doing a lot of narrating, rather than presenting us with the thoughts and feelings of the characters. During the fight, you could've been in Broly's head, bragging about how easy it was to tear Kakarot in two, or at the end, you could've been inside Celestia's head, conveying the sense of relief she had to the reader.

When you write a world, you aren't looking at it through a window, you're living in it. You want your reader to be right there in the crossfire, running alongside the soldier as he breaks through No Man's Land into the enemy lines, or sitting on the bed with the sorrowful widow after she just lost her husband. You want them to be there and feel everything.

Don't read it off, live it. There's a massive difference in emotional connection if you show, rather than tell, trust me on that.


Beyond the show vs. tell gripe, I noticed you capitalized words where they shouldn't've been. You followed natural English rules, but it was a trip I was forced to take often through the story. Go through the story again, and look over your sentences. Here's a rule of thumb:

If it's an 'i' on its own, capitalize it.
If it's the first letter after a period, capitalize it.
If it's the first letter in a name, country, planet, or galaxy, capitalize it.
If it's the first letter in the start of a section of dialogue, capitalize it.

Among other rules. Dialogue, if you're going to continue with the paragraph, should end with a comma, not a period. As for after the dialogue, well, I'll just tell you not to capitalize your letters; it's unnecessary, as it's a continuing thought.

I saw no places for run-on sentences, but I was engrossing myself in the story, rather than playing Grammar Nazi.


Overall, I had a good time. I knew the characters, so the imagery was no problem for me. I'll be watching this, but you haven't yet earned my tumbs up; don't take this as discouraging, you're very close to earning it.


Write on, brother.
~KillerSteel, TWE's Logic Machine and Master of Words.

good story and all but i'm getting really tired of people saying that both Celestia and Luna has the power to watch across the universe. they control the sun and the moon. that's all. still, a good story. can't wait for more.

1533812 i'll choose option fuck you I'm broly.

*Slowly claps* Damn I've always wanted to see Broly In Equestria. None of you ponies have my sympathy >XD
:raritydespair::pinkiegasp::fluttercry::applecry::applejackconfused::twilightoops::trixieshiftleft:
well maybe Fluttershy
:yay:

1534334 I understand. I did it more like that to do a quick summary of the end of the movie. I will get more into the people as the story continues. Thanks for the criticism.

They are royally fucked.:twilightoops:

Ice

1534054 In the movie, Goku doesn't shout to Vegeta specifically for energy instead it's just Piccolo.

1535329 he was in the end because Vegeta was refusing to give it.

Ice

1535428 No, he was shouting to everybody not Vegeta, in fact he probably asked once at most but then it was Trunks, Piccolo and the others that tried.

I was going to do something like this, but didn't have the time. You good sir, have earned my respect and my like. :eeyup:

Well done, sir. I kinda like what you have going here. As a fellow DBZ crossover writer, I wish you luck in writing this story. DBZ Crossovers are insanely difficult to pull off properly, and insanely easy to screw up. You've piqued my interest with this. You've earned a subscriber, and if you hold my interest after Broly makes it to Equestria, you'll earn a like :raritywink:

Well, that was surprising. I started another Broly crossover a while ago, although I chose a different path. I wish you luck with this. I'm still editing mine and waiting for the muse to come:pinkiesad2:

Can't they just magic him away? Or force feed him rainbows until his bowels explode, covering all of Equestria in delicious cotton candy?

Wow xD this beingmy first DBZ crossover fic I have to say I'm really curious on how the hell this will turn out :D not to mention that cover pic is genious

THIS NEEDS TO BE UPDATED! NOW!:flutterrage:

1538361 thanks. I saw yours before also. You should try to finish it

1538891>>1540135 thanks. I found that pic on google

1539284 broly would take all the rainbows and pour it into his cereal :rainbowwild: haha

1540201 sorry. Akatsuki story comes first, then this soon :rainbowdetermined2:

1540348 DBZ and MLP FIM are my two fav shows. The fact that you are introducing Broly, BROLY, to Equestria... MAN! The fan has not only been hit, but it has been obliterated!

1540452 :rainbowlaugh: Broly is and always will be an eternal Badass.

So I read it, now I have to keep reading it. Every outcome in my mind is equestria goes

So i look forward to seeing how my prediction doesn't come true.

yay broly is here to kill everything that moves :pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy::pinkiecrazy:

:pinkiegasp: Broly is on Equestria! PANIC!!!

this dude is gonna kill everything

Incoming walking apocalypses.:twilightoops:

1565587 for the last time, I am not a shitstorm!

1566505 yes you are. The picture said so

If Broly gets beaten I'll be so pissed off

1566505 don't worry, it's a compliment :rainbowwild:

1567227 Let us see how it pans out shall we?:trixieshiftright:

*Imitates Doctor Insano's laughter* Oh he's gonna jack Equestria beyond repair :rainbowwild: *Puts on sunglasses* Time to watch the fireworks :trollestia:

OH MAAAAAAAN! :twilightoops:

But awesome chapter Chaos!

The amount of rape I expect from this story is going to be waaay over 9000. dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_rape.png

Login or register to comment
Join our Patreon to remove these adverts!