A Human in Equestria fic, written solely for the fun of writing it. When two regular guys wind up in Equestria for no discernible reason, they must try to deal with all the craziness that is thrown their way. Armed with nothing but a pair of wings and... whatever Earth Ponies have, these two quickly gain a presence in Equestria, but not because of who they are or because of some pre-destined decree, but on their own merits and misadventures.
100% Stormcaller tested and approved.
Art done by: Gurumane ( http://www.fimfiction.net/user/Gurumane )
Description done by: GranpdaLove at deviantart.com ( http://grandpalove.deviantart.com/ )
((No, those credits are right.))
Chapters (3)
Well, as everyone can obviously see now, this story has gotten some strong negative reception. I wish I knew why, but so far, no one has bothered to comment on this story's failings. So, without knowing anything about what was wrong, I have gone and edited the first (Previously titled the prologue) chapter in hopes of improving it. If you find this and are still dissatisfied with it, please give me a comment so I can try to remedy whatever follies I have committed besides the fact that the story is Human in Equestria.
After having read the first chapter, the only significant complaints I can come up with are:
1. The action seems a bit abrupt; i.e. we go from Situation A to Situation B with only a little transition between the two.
2. The narration feels rather sarcastic. While appropriate for some writings, it feels that your narrator has just a bit too much of the sarcasm going.
These two issues were not enough to warrant a downvote in my opinion, and unless you are absurdly unlucky, even an HiE fic shouldn't garner as much ire from the voting audience as it has, but the total of twelve votes either way out of the sixty odd views you have received is more of an indicator of "meh" than "HATE".
1553297 Thank you! I had my suspicions about the abrupt transitions but I wasn't entirely sure. And the sarcastic narration was something I haven't even considered! I do tend to be unlucky at times though...
At any rate, I sincerely thank you from the bottom of my heart for giving a sincere and honest opinion about the story. You have NO idea how much it means to me. I will take the narration and transitions into serious account from here on out. I thank you again for the comment.
I hope that I will improve and make this story worth reading!
Well, I rather enjoyed that. Have a thumb.
1628068
You are now one of my favorite commentators, alongside the other guy. The other guy gave constructive criticism, you gave me a thumb and enjoyed my story. You are both incredibly awesome in my eyes!
1628111 No problem! I actually came here with the intent of writing a detailed review, but, to be honest, there's nothing really wrong with this story at all. It might move a bit quickly, but the characters are funny, the Mane 6 are excellently portrayed and, on the whole, I really liked it. I never usually have time to read any stories that are more than 3k words, but I read the entire first chapter without realising it was 9k words long.
So, for that, I congratulate you! Not many people can hold my attention like that! dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire.png
I think the only reason you got so many DVs was because you have an OC HiE story without a title image and with a fairly ambivalent description. If you can just flesh out the scenery a bit, making the scenes more 'visible' to the reader, this will be an excellent story. It's a shame you have so many downvotes, but not much can be done about that now...
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/emoticons/misc_Spitfire_sad.png
This story certainly doesn't deserve the downvote ratio it has, but I think I might have an idea why it got some of them. Especially with the HiE genre you have to be very careful about cliches. Lots of people will downvote simply because a story involves cliches they don't like, regardless of the actual quality of the story.
Some cliches I saw in the first chapter were:
-Brony in Equestria, it screams self-insert which is quite unpopular and has been done many times
-Waking up transformed into a pony
-Meeting some of the mane 6 right off the bat and having them take an interest in the protagonist instantly
-Ponies instantly accepting the protagonist. It happens a lot in stories, but wouldn't there be a tad bit more skepticism about their story? If they really believe their story then they would likely either fear or at least be wary of them being trans-dimensional travelers, and if they didn't believe them then they come off as being insane. Either way acceptance wouldn't be the first thing that happens.
-Rarity making clothes for the protagonist
Those things aren't really bad in themselves, and you can write a perfectly good story with them, but they will get you downvotes. My advice is to just keep at it and don't let the downvotes discourage you. I just began writing my first fic, which is also a HiE, and as such I can sympathize with your problems, so have an upvote and fav from me!
1634104 Wow! I didn't even realize how many cliches I had crammed into the first chapter. I mean, most of them are easily hand-waved with believable explanations, but it is still a bit shocking. Not much that can be done now, but it is sobering to see this stuff. I wish I had people like you read this BEFORE I submitted it.
Then again, this was never REALLY meant to be submitted in the first place. It was just a little project I thought was cool and was doing for my own and Stormcaller (Yes, he exists on FimFiction and his story is awesome especially if you are into Fallout: Equestria based fics and why aren't you reading that?) amusement when I lost track for a few months.
I recently rediscovered it and thought: Hey, I should finish this. Maybe not for the story itself but for the sake of completing something I started. I knew that just trying to do it myself wasn't going anywhere so I decided that if I posted this, I'd have more motivation to follow through and get this sucker to it's conclusion.
Then I got downvoted hard. I was dismayed, but instead of removing it like I did with a horrid oneshot that really shouldn't have made it onto here, I instead decided to look at it again and edit it again. I felt like since people didn't like it, I thought I was obligated to make it into a story worth reading. I mean, as long as it's here. I made some pretty bulky changes to the first two chapters and even cut out 3/4ths of the 3rd chapter (originally 8,000 + words and counting) and rewrote that with the viewers in mind. Over time it got those 5 likes plus your own that you see now, but I never figured out what specifically got it downvoted in the first place or what kept it getting downvoted. At least until now.
Note to self: If doing a HiE fic, put it's most unique feature in chapter 1. In chapter 2 there are hints of this fics most defining feature and in chapter 3 it gets fully realized, but now that I think about it that was a STUPID move.
At any rate I have wasted enough of your time. I'll read your story in a little bit since you have been kind enough to read mine. Thank you for the enlightening post and the upvote and fav.
Sincerely,
Jack Frankenstein
P.S. : And that's how this fic was made!