When Worlds Collide

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When Twilight Sparkle's friends manage to drag her away from her books long enough to take her to a club, who knows how the pent-up purple pony will handle things?

Chapters (4)

Chapter 1 · 11th Nov 2012 · 1,154 words
1,154
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Chapter 2 · 11th Nov 2012 · 1,673 words
1,673
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Chapter 3 · 11th Nov 2012 · 2,567 words
2,567
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Chapter 4 · 7th May 2013 · 1,306 words
1,306
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Comments ( 9 )

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Distrance

Distrance #1 · Oct 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

I couldn't shake this from my mind the whole time...

I can tell you now that you've got a better start than some other new fan-fiction writers. The story is getting set nicely and I thank god that you show your intelligence.

One thing I did spot that was evident was the lack of italics for inner monologue/thoughts

For example:
(GREEN = corrected)

Go without me? Twilight thought in alarm. The room flashed with the soft purple glow of Twilight’s magic, and the door opened, it itself surrounded in the same purple glow.

Twilight turned around. Her I’ve read pile, kept in a neat stack, minus the few Pinkie had scattered, had most definitely increased since she’d walked downstairs this morning. A good six, maybe ten books.

It's also acceptable to italicize words you may be emphasizing like:

“It was my idea! You know how I LOVE parties!”

“Alright, but it’s going to be a HELL of a party!”

Write on, fellow brony! I want to see great things come out of a new mind in the fray!

EDIT: Accidentally double-posted while editing my comment. Sorry!

thedarkshark24

thedarkshark24 #2 · Oct 27th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

cdn.memegenerator.net/instances/400x/16954785.jpg seriously though good first chapter cant wait to see more

Decmaster

Decmaster #3 · Oct 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1514151

Alright, thanks a lot! Lack of italics has definitely been noted, and you will see improvement in the future.

Distrance

Distrance #4 · Oct 28th, 2012 · · · Chapter 1 ·

1518702

No problem!

While I can't offer my services as an editor at this time, there are tons of people who would be happy to look it over, should you seek it. I suggest checking around the 'groups' section of the website for some reliable folks.

Alternatively, you can always look towards many acclaimed fan-fictions and take note on their grammar and style.

Best of luck!

dankmememaster420

dankmememaster420 #5 · Nov 3rd, 2012 · · · Chapter 2 ·

let me guess they get drunk ant twi wakes up in someponies bed with somepony else...

thedarkshark24

thedarkshark24 #6 · Nov 12th, 2012 · · · Chapter 3 ·

Please sir I want some more

ALSilvertongue

ALSilvertongue #7 · Nov 13th, 2012 · · · Chapter 3 ·

I'd be happy to pre-read, just send me a link to it in google docs or whatever you choose. Also, asking the way you did is fine, but perhaps with a bit more confidence; "Hey guys, if anypony is interested, I'm looking for a few prereaders!" something like that.