• Member Since 2nd Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Last Wednesday

Shadow Storm


T

A civil war has broken out in Equestria. Luna's New Lunar Republic has been engaged in war with Celestia's Solar Empire for 10 years and continue to fight until one side is left standing. However one soldier in the NLR may be the one who ultimately decides the direction of the war. Shadow Storm, a pegagus stallion who serves Luna, only wants peace in Equestria, and soon realizes that some things aren't as what they seem.

New Update: N/A

Chapters (17)
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Comments ( 43 )
#1 · Jan 3rd, 2012 · · · Prologue ·

generals gather your best squads we will be joining the New Lunar Republic. we will launch a full scale attack at the front to let the shadow guards attack from the rear. head for the space warp generator, pony army mode convert now! Get all your guns, knives, explosives you can carry a supply train will be waiting. LETS MOVE OUT!:twilightangry2::twilightangry2:

Wonderful start I enjoy the character development but it seems too easy to be hand picked by Luna. I hope you write more!

before i read this are those star destroyers in the background? ha just imagine how luna aquired them.

D vader: Admiral piet ready the fleet!

Piet: at once lord vader!

(piet trys and fails to contact the other captains)

piet: umm..... my lord we cannot contact the fleet...

D vader: WHAAAT!

sensor guy: umm..... sir's the rest of the fleet has jumped to light speed...

D vader: there is only one person with the gall to steal my personal fleet right from under my nose....(cue darth getting on his knee's and shouting to the roof) LUUUUNNNNAAAA!

Luna: (insert non-existant luna troll)

Oh this is getting better and better with each chapter! Can't wait for the next.

I smell romance in the air. :pinkiehappy:

I happened to notice the tragedy button. SOMETHING BAD IS GONNA HAPPEN!:fluttercry:

Fu*ck you! :rainbowderp:

Fu*k You!:twilightangry2:

Fu*k All of you

As I said Men Full Scale Attack NFA style! Launch The NUKES! Deploy the infantry! Heavy Vehicles You have permission to attack

And Finally Fu*k You!:trollestia: You Bit*h

YaY My forces are closing in Nooo! the Nukes are here too soon! Explosion! Well they can always respawn! :derpytongue2:

4 letters. E.P.I.C. :pinkiehappy:

Thanks to those who read this. I'm going to start writing the second one, and on the side, I'm also going to be writing a story about the 10 month skip in Blueberry's perspective.

111851

Wow! Great story! I was sad that both Iron Shock and Blueberry had to die:fluttercry:

I'm amazed! Great job!:pinkiehappy:

*pulls out a sword* can I join?

Shadow the Shadow Guard. Was that pun intended?

Luna?! How could you do that?!:pinkiegasp::flutterrage::raritydespair:
Why is that so reminiscent of the movie Braveheart?:rainbowhuh:
Great story!:pinkiehappy: I can't wait for more!

... I'm sorry but that was a lot of cheap emotion jerking and shallow character building. I realize it's war but the sheer OCness of every freaking character in here is horrible and shallow. I had my hopes up when your writing started getting better at the end but then you pulled that crap and it just pissed me off. In technical terms it wasn't that bad but in actual story flow and emotional detail, it felt like you were pulling random strings and seeing what happened. You offed Rainbow Dash within a few paragraphs of introducing her and Twilight was only slightly better due to Celestia's grief. They seemed to just be there for quick drama. Rainbow dash dying served no purpose and could have been substituted with a random, OC pony. The only thing you got from that is "omg, he killed dash! a very oddly murderous and cold-hearted dash but still!" and twilight was kinda like a boss battle of sorts but once again, another powerful OC unicorn could have taken that spot and the end result would be Celestia killing most of them (still), abet with a little less rage. The last killing had the horrible point of "nothing lasts forever" which is totally out of theme for the story and just irritates me because one of the few characters I actually started to like just gets randomly killed in the span of a few paragraphs! Now you have a messed up cliffhanger where you, for some reason, kept the main character alive with the threat of "you will pay for your treason" implying that he won't die right now but the future is looking grim. I sure hope your remake is worth reading because while the concept sound interesting ,the execution (no pun intended) leaves much to be desired.

620087

Well it was my first fanfic I ever made. I revised everything and I plan to continue making more to the story than what was intended.

Great chapter. Keep it up.

You know what you need to do? You what you need to fucking do? You need to fucking MAKE MOAR!!!!!!

Awesome chapter. Looking forward to the battle.

Edited Post: Considering where this is going, this prologue is a bit misleading, however, the prologue by itself is well done and is a very good hook.

Edited Post: Moon Shock... something tells me he has the worst luck with mares.

Anyway, it's apparent that Shadow and Iron are friends. The "Show, don't tell" rule applying well here. He seems likable just need to be sure to keep developing him and shadow from the audience's perspective.

I realized my mistake and silenced myself. I had completely forgotten the word sun was banned in our nation.

Minor logic error: If you lived and fought for a nation who banned the use of things like simple words, you tend to not forget oddities like that. It's a breach of one of the basic rights and even if it isn't met with anger, it's often remembered easily simply due to it's absurdity.

It seemed to be a somewhat transparent way to bring up the ban on those things. If he had simply acted like he wanted no one to hear him say it and was then rebuked quietly by his friend, that may have been enough to get that information across and the rest could be guessed by the readers. not the most original, but effective. It also signals that there may be trouble within the lunar ranks and that Luna's being a bit of a tyrant should anyone read into it much.

This dream seems pointless in comparison to just saying Iron told him what happened. It's not that big of a reveal considering what happens later and all the other points such as sympathy, or hate towards twilight in the audience seem to be lacking as it really didn't appear to stir up much of anything.

The purple unicorn only also ran away

Pick one please

No real opportunity to answer this question in this chapter but why is Shadow and Iron fighting for the NLR? Family? Friends? A really convincing speech? Propaganda? Needs to be answered eventually.

I'll toss it into a few groups for some extra visibility and scrutiny.

firing a ref flare from his horn.

red

I stood in place, pouncing at the ground getting ready for a charge. The Solar guards replied with pouncing as well.

Pouncing would be the act of jumping in a manner that would tackle/pin something down, preparing to pounce would be akin to dropping into a low crouching stance that would allow someone to shove off from the ground and towards/above their target. "pawing" at the the ground would be the act of dragging one's appendage across the ground in what is commonly interpreted as preparation for charging forward. The reasoning behind this is to get any loose dirt or rocks out from under foot (hoof in this case) so they won't slip on the loose material.

Well, well, feelings for a distressed mare, and Luna's daughter no less. I suppose you should be careful with this shipping as it's easy to be "too cliche" or forward with the whole "social status differences drama". A bit late since you already posted a good deal of new stuff on this story but a noteworthy comment none the less. Once again, good job so far.

Eventually I found myself on the ground with all four hooves tied. My mouth was also tied up so I was unable to yell for help.

Tactical and logical error: Rainbow playing sadistic mind games* and obviously doesn't like the antagonist but doesn't kill him which would have taken less time, effort, and would have given a much stronger tactical advantage than simply incapacitating him like this. The moment he is discovered, he becomes a physical threat once more versus killing him in which his corpse would raise an alarm at most. Granted, we know the reason she didn't is because it would effectively end the story of shadow in an unsatisfying manner. However, this causes a minor characterization flaw in rainbow dash the "sadistic" assassin. She is technically going out of her way to avoid a casualty that would have benefited her and that she seemingly would have had no issue in causing. I would suggest having the "capture" either not happen or be altered in a way that makes capturing him more believable.

*

“We’re going to assassinate your Princess, and there’s nothing you can do to stop us.”Also you forgot to space hereShe began to laugh quietly

This chapter also felt a bit rushed. Perhaps a bit more characterization (maybe a small flash back) could have filled the space.

Opinionated preference: In my own thoughts, rainbow would have reacted more spiteful and disagreeing with the situation at large. it would be as if "her hoof was forced by their evil" and that she just wants this war to end so she can go back to her home and live with her friends. That's just me though.

Space out your paragraphs in the beginning. Formatting makes reading much easier and tends to make the story look better.

The time came when we landed on a mountain across from the caste of Canterlot.

castle

Strangely as I looked around I spotted conveniently found...

Odd wording. "Strangely" seems oddly placed and "spotted conveniently found" seems a little redundant.
Grammatically correct version:
Strangely, as I looked around, I spotted...
My personal suggestion:
As I looked around, I spotted a/(an) conveniently/(oddly) unguarded door leading into the castle.

Dramatic, if a bit of an expected ending. You also seemed to sacrifice some detail of other events just to get to this one point. I'd advise adding a sentence or two more of detail on the rest of the room's activities and try not to be so vague. Try to consider the fact that Twilight might not take Iron seriously until he proves he knows at least a little about her. A little fine tuning to their interaction could allow for some moderate quality increase. Try not to beat around the bush and hint at information the audience already has, such as the fact that Iron watched Twilight kill his daughter.

This particular chapter... wasn't much better than the original. If anything, it was about as bad. Granted, it's been a while but Twilight still felt rather disposable here and coasting off the fandom's personal love for her rather than the characterization you crafted to represent her. Also, Iron's character wasn't really that prominent either. There isn't many moments that the audience can remember him as a likable character. A few saves, a decent personality, and some rather vague history between him and Shadow. Have you redone this chapter yet? Are you planning on it? If yes, I would say it still needs some work. I understand Twilight and Iron not having much time to show who she/he is in this universe or why she/he does the things she/he does, but I'm sure some brain storming and maybe a friend to bounce ideas off of might help tremendously.

Last time I read this fic, this was the last chapter. I suppose at the moment, the only irritants I have are towards Cosette getting killed but I guess it's nothing worth rage quitting the story over since you seem to at least be going somewhere with it. I might have mentioned this once or twice before but the story could use a few more redeeming moments and motivational reveals for each character to gain some sympathetic characterization. Things that show who they are and why they are doing what they're doing on a broader spectrum. I'll see about thinking up some possible areas or moments to explore and sending you a list. You're getting a little better though. You're "showing, not telling" most of the time and you're thinking ahead to future story plot twists and events. Your grammar and spelling is okay most of the time though you may want to have someone comb through it better than I did.

I'll clear out the other 5 chapters tomorrow and see where you're going from there.

Needs more relationship building moments, I wasn't under the impression Eagle and Wolf were that close to Shadow.

You will not touch her… I can garuntee that.

guarantee

I started, looking back up into the multiple pairs of eyes staring at me in astonishment.

Rookies... you'd think the LR elites would at least know to press an attack while his weapon is preoccupied, not to mention that they could have made the token effort to pull their friend back. (personal nitpick)

Good fight scene. Nice detail.

the feeling of her kiss as sweet as it was the first time we shared it together for the first time.

Redundancies

her nose cringing to my kiss.

It's absolutely terrified... I kid, but wrinkling or scrunching would be more appropriate words for that action.

but it was then that I realized something I had denied to admit for the longest time.

Did she… like me?

...
What are you doing? This ship really isn't ready to be set into that stage yet. This character is painfully naive if he gets "she has romantic inclinations for me" from actions that most recruiters pull once someone valuable has been burned and is out for revenge. Just act friendly and tell them that they share a common enemy and downplay any bad history behind them. Then point them in the right direction and you have a new elite troop with a unique point of view on the enemy. Give them some time to bond! Even if Rainbow has a crush on him, it's got to be a mix of shallow lust and a pity party at this point. It's not worth basing a relationship on.

"It's okay Shadow... I know. I know you have feelings for that mare."

... I dub this ship "Titanic".

"W-Wh... How did you..?" I stuttered, another giggle coming from Cosette as she kissed my neck.

"I'm your imagination, Shadow. You're not dead... you're in a coma.

No... no... no no no ... also, totally saw that coming.

You will bring an end to the New Lunar Republic and restoring peace and harmony to Equestria."

I understand that originality is hard to come by, but the prophetic "you aren't meant to die yet because the world ends" bit has been dead for a little while now and MOST people have decided to stop beating it. Sadly, you're still swinging away. I feel like a dick now (mostly because I'm behaving a bit like one) but this story still needs some work.

You need to work on the "tension" between Celestia and Shadow. They've both done a ton of bad things to each other whether they meant to target each other or not. I saw very little thought or indication other than a few minimalist expressions. I'm not meaning that they have to blow up on each other, but a bit of confrontation and eventual understanding would go great lengths here in developing both characters as well as the relationship between them.

Once again, you're progressing the relationship between Shadow and dash decently, but the whole start of that mutual crush felt like I missed an entire leading up point. What do they see in each other? Why did they start having feelings for each other? This could have been solved with a little more dialogue and less rushing to the next scenes. The coma realization felt like an awkward moment that got way too much credit for... I just made a connection in my head and need to take a better look at it.

You know what, maybe I've been looking at things slightly skewed. I've been assuming that Shadow wasn't so emotionally narrow minded. However, most of this story he has been either loving, or hating. There is not much in the way of emotional transition, just "you did something horrible and now must pay." or "you did something good and now I like you even if we used to hate each other." I still say that you could do a bit better as far as adding character interaction and making those interactions emotionally significant other than "I love you" and "I hate you". That being said, I believe I should go back and look at things with this new view point.

Not to bad. Not sure how I missed this update the first time. Also, I can't really consider myself your editor if you're not going to send me the chapters. I'm not mad really, just slightly annoyed to be lead on and then ignored. :ajbemused::unsuresweetie::derpytongue2:

I believe you're getting better at writing out emotions and characterizations. Some good clear thoughts and a few actions made things pretty good here.

Luckily there was cover for us to hide behind, otherwise the narrow passage of the mountains would have made it impossible to find cover.

Did you mean to say it would be difficult/impossible to evade rather than take cover? It seems redundant to say they couldn't find cover if there was no cover.

You should also try being a little more discreet about "something being off about Wolf". It basically said his short cut was a trap. Keep working on your subtlety.

2608901

I'm sorry lol originally I meant that AFTER this story I would send you my stuff, so I could have a clean start at a new story instead of continuing something like this.

For Luna! I will fight for you!

2609268
Ah! That clears things up wonderfully! I had misunderstood what you had meant. I'm also glad to see you are improving a bit so this fresh start of yours should be met with a bit of competence and well done work. I think I'm going to start an editing group too so I can have all the stuff in one place even before it gets out of hand.

I am guessing wolf is a traitor. Snd what happend to the two lunars?

Why the fuck are they so casual about this war? They fight and act like it doesn't matter. Why dose the supposed elite NLR assassins freeze when they see their god damn target? Why dose the main OC leave his best friend in the middle of a fight with twilight? Why don't they have weapons when they can clearly rip off and use chunks of armor. What the fuck bro?

2705002

It's been going on for 10 years and they want it to be over. If you're talking about the guards when Celestia kills Iron Shock, they tackled her afterwards so they weren't frozen. Shadow left Iron to fight Twilight because it was a personal fight between the two and he had to help the others fight the Solar Guards. They do have weapons, they have blades and spears and arrows. Please work on your grammar and try to think about things.

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