Becoming Fluttershy

by Hope

chapter 48. The Calm

After making our way through most of the neighborhood and collecting quite a bit more candy than I honestly feel that we could consume, we finally arrive back at the hotel. The lobby has several reporters who do their best to get more information out of us, but we bypass them and head up to our rooms. The majority of the group head into the main bedroom to start sorting candy and chat. I hang back a little, but I don’t notice Shining standing nearby until he speaks.

“Erishy, is everything ok with you? We do not talk as much as we used to, so if there’s anything wrong, you know you can still tell me, right?” He speaks with such proper phrasing, clipped and professional. I wonder how much he has changed. I also wonder how much I lost. Was part of me so insignificant that it had gone without my noticing?

I put that all out of my thoughts and force a smile, nodding to him. “Of course. I know it’s just... Something is wrong with this whole thing, Julie... er... Yeah, Julien. Something is wrong with Gilda and not just being Gilda or her human missing, something is out of place and I don’t know what. I’m worried she might hurt Pinkie.”

Oddly, even though it is just the first thing I could think of to distract from my self examination, this really does worry me. I think about Pinkie or Reid being in the same car as Gilda and I can only see blood.

“You know I wasn’t just talking about right this moment.” He points out. “This whole time.. I haven’t heard a whole lot from you, and we used to talk all the time. I know this whole situation can be hard, but we can still talk right?”

He is right, of course. I have been shut down in a way. The best of plans will fail if I don’t communicate properly.

“Of course.” I say again. I wonder if I am scared of him at some level. “I just don’t have much to talk about... that would be constructive. I’m afraid. I really don’t know if this will all end well, or if this is one of those things that noone can fix,” I finally admit.

”Come on, ‘Shy! After everything You’ve been through, you really think there is going be something we can’t fix? There is always hope, long as we have good friends.” He looks to me meaningfully. “And we can always count on each other, right?”

“Yes, and that’s why I haven’t brought it up. Now that I can see myself from an outside perspective, I’m wondering how much of this is valid worry and how much is just... Fluttershy being Fluttershy.” I sigh, pondering my self image and how much of it has been written in. A footnote saying “Acts meek” attached to a script.

“Suppose everything does go wrong. Are you afraid of what being what you are now will bring you?” He asks.

I shrug, not really wanting to think about everything going wrong any more than I already am. “I will deal with that as it comes. If everything does go wrong then I will do my best to ensure the world does not fall into chaos like Discord wants.”

”Sorry, I meant after we win. It is kind of inevitable. This whole fear of what Discord will do, can do and has done is just a load of doubt that I would rather not bring myself to shoulder. We won’t fail because, for us there isn’t failure.” He says it with a certainty that I find easily confused with arrogance.Perhaps he is saying that any outcome is workable. I smile a little at the thought of a silly chaotic world where people go to work at call centers by riding one legged elephants.

“Well... Then after we win, I will settle down in my cottage and try to figure out what to do next. How has Cadance been?” I ask, partly to change the subject and a bit out of curiosity regarding Julien and Shining’s perspective on the princess of love.

He smiles and seems to relax a bit as he thinks of her. ”It has kinda been like meeting her new all over again. It has its ups and downs, but having someone like that is.. a blessing.”

“Are you going to come on the plane?” I ask.

“Yeah for me I guess it depends where Cadance is going... And if she is comfortable with me there. I suppose personally I would not mind going either way.” He shrugs, resuming his upright military pose.

I frown, trying to remember the last few hours of conversation unsuccessfully. “I think there was some concern over whether or not Cadance would be able to fly. Not sure. But you would be able to drive the car if needed.”

“Like I said, I’m not too worried. I will just keep an extra eye out for wherever we happen to be. Where are you headed?” He asks in return.

“I will probably fly. I really enjoy planes, and I can start coordinating the ponies already in New York.” I ponder looking out the window at the fluffy clouds, thirty thousand feet above the ground. It must be the joy that Rainbow gets from flying, but my fears have kept me from it. Maybe some day I could overcome them.

“So how many does that have going by car?”

I answer by instinct, not really thinking about the answer as I still play through the open sky in my mind, accompanies by a pink pegasus that doesn’t exist. “One of the humans, You and Cadance, Gilda, and Pinkie maybe.”

“Sounds good to me.. And Erishy?”

I look up, almost surprised by the continued conversation. “Yeah?”

“We will get through this, ok? No matter what. So no more tears, ok?” He says this with an expression that attempts to reassure me. I wonder for a moment whether or not he understands that I cry because I would fall apart under the weight of my emotions if I didn’t. But it doesn’t matter in the end, I cannot keep myself from crying any more than Pinkie can keep herself from being silly.

“I’ll try not to. Thank you, all of you.” I give him a quick hug before turning back to the rest of our group, to see what they are doing and how I can help.

Gilda and Pinkie seem to be in a fairly close conversation, judging by their volume, but I make an educated guess that Gilda likely doesn’t care about the conversation itself and wouldn’t mind an interruption.

A few steps and I am standing right next to them. “So shining says that it would be best if you two came with him to the lady's house, and I can start preparing for the trip, putting the vehicles into storage, um... are you okay?”

Gilda growls, seeming ready to just leave or possibly lash out, but I put my hope into her control over her own emotions, hoping that she will be willing to talk it over.

“Perfectly fine. Pinkie just told me to ram my head into the wall,” she snarls.

I note that it doesn’t sound like something Pinkie would say, but rather a well intentioned Reid. "Suggested. Not told. I also suggested meditation. Or talking to a mirror, that could work,” she protests.

Ian chimes in, apparently with the intent on communicating with Apple Bloom. "Ah might just take ya up on that suggestion. This whole foal thang is gettin' on mah nerves... not tah mention tha accent."

"I hear ya bro.” I have to say, that is not a phrase I ever imagined coming out or Pinkie’s mouth, ever. “It only gets weirder from here on out though. Especially when you talk with your pony partner--griffon partner in Cale's case, although Cale's... not... here... this metaphor is labored so I'm eating candy. OH! By the way, I got a facebook message for you Ian!"

I resist the urge to roll my eyes and shake my head, but instead look to the griffon. “Well that is less mean. If you want, I could help you with meditation, gilda.”

She lets out a sort of sigh, looking away for a moment in denial. “Seriously, I'm sure he's perfectly fine. No need to be so concerned for someone so completely useless. Can we please just move on? Maybe talk about our plans, devour our massive stashes of ca- no wait, you probably ate it already, Pie. Talk about our plans...?”

“Give me some credit, I have some restraint.” Pinkie pouts, examining her remaining stock of candy while I let out a small sigh of my own. Why can’t everypony just get along?

“Way Ah see it, we need ta figure who's flyen' and who's driven'.” Ian points out, in the most adorable fashion. Then again, anything she does is adorable.

I then spend a few moments while they talk yelling at myself figuratively for thinking of Ian as female, and wondering if he would be upset, or maybe we need to get a bunch of gender therapists to talk to all the crossgender ponies, since they must be going through a confusing time at the very least, or a personal nightmare at the worst. What of people who woke up as ponies of the opposite gender, and ended up becoming pregnant during their time as a pony? The nightmare of having a child and either having to explain to the child that part of you wasn’t a pony, or even worse somehow separating and feeling the deep loss of losing a child, when the mare takes the Foal back to equestria.

"If you really want to rid a plane, I can stay with the ground crew." Reid says to me, shaking me out of my thoughts of suffering, just in time to hear Gilda lash out in anger.

"TROUBLE? TROUBLE?” She snarls, eyes wide and claws gripping at the air compulsively. I quickly recognize the signs of a cornered animal. “HOW ABOUT YOU DEAL WITH SOMEONE WHO BREAKS YOUR LEGS, PIE. OR MAYBE SOMEONE WHO BREAKS SHY'S WINGS? HUH? HOW DO YOU THINK IT FEELS?"

I want to say something, I want to diffuse the situation, but my mouth won’t work, my body frozen still.

"There once was a mare that covered the land in eternal night. And I forgave her. I'll protect my friends, Gilda, but I'm strong enough to trust that I can change my foes." Pinkie, or Reid counters, her face somber and focused.

“Did you honestly just compare Cale to nightmare moon? Really? What does that make me, Luna? Are you going to banish me to the bloody moon, Celestia? Huh? HUH?” The griffon steps closer to Pinkie with each additional challenging word. Pinkie’s response is to stuff a hooffull of candy into her beak, likely just enraging Gilda further.

“Go talk with Shy, kay?" She says it casually, as my legs finally unlock, and I blink away the frightened daze. Gilda snarls angrily, but after realizing that the candy in her mouth prevents her from continuing her rant, she lets out a frustrated huff, and follows me over to another room, where I take a quick look out the hotel room window at the sparse patches of green mixed through the city.

Turning back to her, I try to smile. I feel beaten, tired, and sad, but no tears today.

“So, tell me what you are feeling. Scared, sad, angry? Just tell me. I can take it,” I start, sitting across the room from her.

She just chews, staring at me and most likely pondering how easy it would be to break my wings.

"You want to know how I am feeling?" I ask, really just talking to comfort myself instead of help her like I should.

She raises an eyebrow, or eye crest, whatever you call an eyebrow made of feathers. "...Sure?"

“I am absolutely terrified. I am pretty sure that I am the weakest link of this whole thing, and my human half just gives me more information to assure me that I am out of my league. But I can’t tell anypony. Because they would panic. Now it’s your turn.” I look up to the griffon with a small smile, feeling oddly better at having let out my own fears.

She waits for a few beats before speaking. “... Fine. You really wanna know how I feel?” She looked around in a mix of paranoia and an attempt to protect her ego.

I nod. “Yes. I really do. Remember, I am fluttershy. You could be tossing me off a cliff and I would still ask if you were okay. Bad analogy what with my wings and all but... yeah.”

“...Fine.” She slumps, losing her bravado in an instant, her predatory aura fading to the point where I feel a calmness around her. “I have no idea what’s going on, I barely know who I am, I barely understand how I’m alive and every single thing is making me just...” She bows her head, in a way illustrating the weight of her life crushing down on her. “You know? It’s like... I want things to matter... and they aren’t anymore.” But instantly she is the fierce eagle again, claws out.

“Tell nobody,” she demands.

“I would pinkie promise but I don’t want to somehow summon her. I won’t tell anyone. So you feel like noone matters. you have parents still?” I ask a bit out of my own curiosity, since I know almost nothing about Gilda.

She hesitates to answer, but does with regret in her voice. “... Not that I talk to...”

“You have Rainbow as a friend still, any other friends you stay in touch with?” I ask.

Again, her reply is tempered with cold and hurt. “... No.”

“Then your only friends are Rainbow dash, us, and Cale.” I point out. “Why be so cold to him?”

“...Do you really want to know?” She seems to be fighting herself internally, struggling against every part of her character that has always told her not to open up, not to make herself vulnerable. Her claws clench now out of frustration with herself instead of aggression.

“Only if you stop acting like I am attacking you. I am trying to help. I will offer up some detail about my personal life if you want, make this an even exchange,” I offer.

She seems to calm a little at the idea of this being a simple exchange. “You first.”

“Okay. Fluttershy is an orphan. No parents, and according to Pinkie’s best guess probably the child of a Las Pegas hooker and a passing stallion. Erica has slight contact with her father but has never really had a family she could feel safe in. That’s why I’m so sickeningly sweet, I am constantly trying to turn the world into my family.” I admit this all quickly, trying to rush it out of my head before the sickening taste of self loathing can set in. I don’t have time for that now.

“... Cale... Well. We exchanged memories... sort of... and I didn’t like what I saw. It’s against honor, you know, to well... uh...” She skirts around the issue of suicide and it’s attempts before seeming to let go of yet another internal barrier holding her back from truly communicating with me.

“Fine.” She says with the shake of her head. “Point blank, he’s far too much like me and I hate it because he’s weaker than I am.”

“Yeah. So when something is weak you destroy it right? So how am I still here?” I ask curiously.

“When something is weak you build it up. When you are weak and you don’t want to be built up, you lash out. When you lash out, people get hurt. When people get hurt, you get weaker. When you get weaker, you want to get better, but you can’t, because you won’t build up.” Her logic makes no sense to me, but I don’t see emotional vulnerability as a weakness, I see giving up as a weakness. But my view in this way could only hurt Cale and Gilda right now.

“You know, what if instead of waiting for him to lash out, you sat down and figured out why he doesn’t want to get stronger,” I offer.

“It’s because he thinks he’s worthless.” She says this with finality, permanency. Not saying that he feels it, but that it is a core part of him.

“So, you are in his head, why does he think that?” I ask, sitting up a bit straighter.

“Because I told him he was worthless.”

I stare at Gilda in confusion, not sure what the problem is if she can let go of her past mistake, and tell him she was wrong.. “So tell him you were wrong when he gets back.”

“If he gets back,” she says in a defeated tone.

“Well... Do you want him to come back?” I ask her, waiting patiently for her to dredge up her answer from ages of denying any and all feelings.

“...yes,” she finally sighs.

“Well. What you should do, is while we are packing, you should meditate or nap. While you do that, think repeatedly that you want him to come back,” I reccomend.

“... Whatever. What do you want me to do now?”

I trot over to her and give her a hug, my forelegs only really wrapping around her neck. “Relax. Even if tomorrow has scary things, even if we fail, spend a little time just relaxing and trying to find some peace.”

“...Alright...”

“Sorry for the hug. it’s instinct,” I say with a sheepish smile. “I’ll leave you alone now, let me know if you need anything.”

“...Thanks...”

“You’re welcome... Friend.” Then, I leave the room to let Gilda have a few moments alone. Unfortunately I walk in on the tail end of some story by Pinkie involving a ceiling fan and no identifiable plot or characters.

For a bit, I stood off to the side while everyone just stared at her in baffled confusion. So, in other words, everything was normal for a few seconds.

Comments

[Divine Path]

So it seems friendship finds its slithering way into the group!
It must, otherwise there shall be betrayal and despair!
Their way to victory is in New York; bring them there, Luna!

Awaiting further releases.

[Firebirdbtops]

can you convince any of your traveling company to go to a petting zoo?

[Red Bomber]

Hopefully the plane trip won't be too bad, but I forgot who's going with who, but I think Erishy is driving one of the ponies while most of the rest flies in the plane.

[Pinklestia]

I am felling sad for Gilda.

[Ludicrous Lycan]

I'm making a comment here because I can!

[Funky Pony]

For a bit, I stood off to the side while everyone just stared at her in baffled confusion. So, in other words, everything was normal for a few seconds.

I like how you portray Pinkie. She is not too random, but also not too serious. Many people just use her as an excuse to break the fourth wall.