chapter 23. Pinkie's pain
I would like to thank you all for your continued support of this story, It means a lot to me and I hope to continue writing this story through to the very end. If you have the time, please take the time to read a few other stories out of the group.
This chapter is the longest so far out of this story, and has quite a few tears in it.
Stay happy!
“Alright. Fine. Scared. Accepted. Moving on to more important matters....” Reid started off, flinging his forelegs in the air in exaggerated panic. “ERISHY?!?”
"Hold on." I stop him.
“Really?!” He squeaks.
"Scared can't be just moved past. I know that as well as just about anypony else. You have to understand your fear and confront it. You aren't allowed to deflect to me." I point a hoof at him. "You are scared, because you don't want to let pinkie in."
“Oh, so now you're a therapist. Fair enough.” He muttered. “Yes, letting Pinkie in is dangerous. Just like letting Fluttershy in is dangerous. So I reiterate: ERISHY?!”
I feel like I am being called dangerous. I wonder for a split second if he is right. In the end, fixing all this is more important though, we can’t dwell on the possible suffering we may feel later if this all goes wrong.
"I'm your friend. Or, half of me is Pinkie’s friend. The other half fancies herself a therapist but knows she couldn't cut it. I... I gave in. I was scared, and alone Pinkie. I mean... Reid. I needed Fluttershy to help me, so I let her in. It didn't hurt." I try to explain.
“Alright, let's try this from another angle. Who were you? Before this.” He asks, sitting back on his haunches.
I stare at him, the grass, a tree or two. “...Take your time.” He says in a slightly softer tone.
I finally find the courage to speak, and I just talk. I don’t really think about what I am saying, I just need him to understand.
"Who was I? Before I let Fluttershy in you mean? A scared girl named Erica. I had been lonely all my life, and I had spent so much time giving my own happiness to others that I forgot how to be happy."
During this bit I sort of hide behind my mane, not wanting him to see this expression of oh so human pain on Fluttershy's face.
"I was kind to the point of hurting myself. But then Fluttershy showed up in my head. I showed up in hers. Either way I feel better now. It's like the pony part of us knows what the human part needs, and they complete us." I say, looking up with a genuine smile. "I sound like a nutcase, don’t I?"
“Yeah but so does everyone....” He said contemplatively. “So Fluttershy knew what you needed?”
"I am Fluttershy, and Erica. That's why I choose a new name." I explain. "But it's more like the pony just is that missing piece. It wasn't a conscious decision to comfort Erica, that's just who I am. Pinkie is happiness and laughter. I'd say you need that pretty bad."
He seems to switch tracks suddenly, and I worry that he is trying to get away from the subject. “...Here's a random question. Back when you two were dreamfasting, what did Erica look like?”
I try to figure out what he is talking about for a moment before he pipes up again.
“Oh wait, you don't know what dramfasting means. Dream talking. That... sort of thing.”
I take a moment to ponder the question. "Depended on the time. She looked human in ones where she was scared or confused, like Fluttershy when she was embracing it."
“Pinkie told me that I looked like a pair of hands.” He said, before looking down to his forehooves which had rubber bands wrapped around them.
“I... want hands...” He whimpered.
I didn’t know what to say, so I took a shot in the dark.
"Well. If I was going to guess, and I am not qualified in the least for this, but I would say you were trying to take control. You were scared of losing control. Hands gave you control over your life."
After a moment of staring at me, he started to laugh. “Pfffffthahahahahahaaaha! Sorry, sorry, I get what you're saying but.... A wise man does not plan. A wise man steers. Control is not something I'd ever want. Too much paperwork.” He says.
I chuckle, thinking that he might not even realize he feels like his life is out of control. "If I can get you to laugh. It doesn't matter if I am wrong. But if you didn't want control, why not let Pinkie in?"
“Actually... do you remember your face?” He says, eliciting yet another confused look from me.
“I'm totally going somewhere with this.” He assures me.
I shrug. "I remember I had blue green eyes, blonde hair, and I don't like my nose. I remember what I looked like in a mirror, both as Erica and as Fluttershy." I say, poking my now larger but more appropriate nose.
“Yes but do you remember your face? How it felt?” He asks this like a dying man asking for a cigarette. The desperation takes me off guard.
“Because... I don't think I ever learned how mine felt....”
That is what this is. Identity crisis. I suppose I hadn’t thought of this because my identity had been second to my loneliness and fear for so long. My ‘self’ was tossed aside in the face of having some sort of simple comfort.
I look at Reid with a mixture of pity and sadness. "Reid... This isn't forever." I say gently, moving a step closer. "This is only until we beat Discord. After that... we will deal with whatever comes then. Together. okay?"
“....yeah. That...” he says darkly. “Who is Reid anyway? I think that's the question here.”
I don’t know what to say. I always knew who I was, and I never found value in that. He needed to find himself, and he was too busy being turned into a pony.
“Sorry, that's a tangent. Maybe we should head for the tents.”
He tried to move past me but I poke the pink pony. "A good friend of mine once said, that You are whoever you want to be. If you want to be Reid, then you can be whoever you think Reid is. If you want to be a mix mash like I become, then do that. It's up to you." I am practically begging him to understand at this point, not sure what else I can say.
“But who is Reid?!” he cries out, whirling around to face me. “You know what I do all day?” He asks, his voice cracking a little. “I write. I draw. I MAKE.” he stomps his hoof with each sentence, drilling these core parts of his soul into the earth in a panic.
“And everything I make has a self, a backstory, sometimes eons of it! I have made nations, worlds, species, families, wars, peace, stars, magicks, dragons, and things that the english language has NO NAME FOR! And every single one of them...” He stalls, one hoof paused halfway into another punctuative stomp.
He shakes his head, looking down. “I mean... That's what I do. It's all I do. I... I don't even dream normally. I just use it to plan out more stories. And if Pinkie comes in, all that's going to survive... but I don't know where I will be because I don't know what I am.” he says.
I finally stop fighting the urge to hug him. I pull him close like a mother tending to her child.
"Reid. Ask Pinkie. Close your eyes and ask her. She is in your head. Ask her who you are." I say, hugging the pink pony tightly.
He seems like he is about to argue, or cry, or run, but after a deep breath, his eyes close. I hold him and stare off into the dark woods. In the distance I can hear voices, I can see the flash of lights through the trees. For once though, noone is going to mess this up. No car crash, no thugs. I close my own eyes and see nothing but the peaceful darkness.
I can recall how scared I was when I accidentally turned to a little bunny that wasn’t there. I remember waking up in a dark place without a body and being so terrified that I nearly lost my mind.
Fear had not won though. Hope had. Hope had to win for this to all work out, otherwise Discord would scatter us and run rampant across this world until the end of time.
I look down on the comatose Pinkie. I wonder how much laughter has had to come forth to keep the poor pink party pony happy in this situation? She always handled crazy stuff abnormally well, but this had to hurt. She had been stuck while a scared boy piloted her around.
She may have enjoyed it, she always did enjoy helping others. I wondered if, as Erica, I would get to know Reid once this was all over. If we were able to fix it, of course.
Lastly, just before he opened his eyes, I reflected on the lie I had told. “This isn't forever.” I knew it was a lie. If I lost Fluttershy now, I would be a wreck. If I didn’t... Then I had lied. So I really hoped I had just lied to one of my new friends. What a great thing to hope.
“...that was one well choreographed musical number.” He finally said, opening his eyes.
I giggle, shaking my head.
“Of course she would use a musical number...” He chuckles. “I... Yeah. I think I should think on this. But... thanks for listening anyway.”
"Do you feel a bit better?"
“Well... I feel, anyway. That's a start.” He says. That is far too dark for having just talked to Pinkie Pie.
"Smile." I coax.
“Nah, maybe later.” he says with a smirk.
"Smiiiiile."
“You're going to keep this up aren't you.” He complains.
I start assaulting the pink pony's sides with my hooves in my best attempt at tickling. "Smile!"
“GAHhahahaHA OH FLARK why is PINKIE so TICKLISH?!” He cried out, squirming away from me.
"Because you’re supposed to smile." I say with a smile of my own. "Everything will be okay, I promise." I have to wonder if this one is a lie or not.
“Meh. I prefer to make everything okay.” He says ambiguously. “Speaking of, what's the plan from here on out?”
"Get to New York. I may be pretty decent at talking with people but I am not a planner. not by a long shot." I sneak in another tickle to his ribs.
“Gnffft--Okay I get that you are trying to cheer me up but can we please stop with the tickling? I prefer more refined humor. And anyway, what I meant was who's in what car? We got three now...” He says, putting a hoof to his chin.
"Refined humor is a waste of time when it doesn't actually cheer you up. If I was pinkie I'd be able to pull balloons out of nowhere or something." I say with a shrug.
"As far as rides, I don't know if the cosplayers all tagging along will be safe. They could get hurt, and they don't have one of these to stop a bullet for them." I tap the necklace with a hoof.
“Ginny would follow us anyway, Jacquiline would stay with her to make sure she was all right, Harold is dead serious about protecting us, and Linda caves to peer pressure. And I don't have one either.” He says, looking at my necklace curiously. “How did you get that anyway? I thought it was a manifestation of personality.”
I sigh. "I've already gotten so much help, I feel guilty about accepting so much more. As long as they realize we need our space to sort... This" I wave my hooves at both of us. "out. I got the element because... I basically tried to take a bullet for someone who I didn't think deserved it."
“Oh.” He takes that in a far calmer manner than I thought he would, so I start to count in my head.
one.
two.
three.
four.
“Wait. Stop. Say that again?” He says, ears laying back and eyes going wide.
This confirmed for me that the full details of what happened hadn’t got out yet. They likely still thought that the thugs had been the ones with the gun.
"I stopped a bullet to save someone?" I say again, raising an eyebrow.
He looks like he is going to have a heart attack.
“...so you, without any knowledge of what was going to happen, still under the influence of Fluttershy, and no prior military training to my knowledge, jumped in front of a gun. Completely unarmored.” He completed the now familiar ritual of pressing a hoof gently against his face in an attempt to make the world make sense.
“Excuse me, my paternal instinct is linking up with Pinkie's maternal one and trying to figure out how to react here. You're not going to go Nightmare Whisper on us, are you?”
I look down at the ground.
"If that gun had gone off and killed that man... The entire world would have cried out in pain and anger. A pony kills a human. That is all anyone would see. I would give my life to preserve the future."
I look back up, a fire in my eyes. "I was not under the influence of Fluttershy, At the time, that bit had already happened. The point is, it worked out."
Another lie. It could have gone so wrong. How could I keep lying to my friends? I take a deep, shaking breath, as I start to lose my composure I had been holding so well for the last few hours.
"I was so scared." I whimper, admitting that everything was not okay, both to myself and to him.
“Whoa! no no no, no tears...” He says quietly, pulling me close and wrapping his forelegs around me like I had a few minutes ago for him. This time, though, I wasn’t going to a dream land to make everything better. I was here, both of me, and both of me were terrified of what had happened.
“We're here now. Okay? The scary things are gonna have to get through me.” He says, rocking me back and forth.
I let loose the floodgates. I don't know how I lasted this long, but I let myself cry for a few minutes, in Pinkie-Reid's arms. "I... I don't know what to do. I can't figure this out... I don't know how to fix this." I sob quietly.
“...what is there to fix? Life happens. What the hay. You just need to do the best you can.” He says with a thin smile.
"Everything. I don't want to lose the Fluttershy part of me, you don't want to gain the Pinkie part of yours... Julien seems upset or scared or something, I don't even know... and we aren't even halfway to New York."
“Problems, problems, problems... seems the human race has a lot of them.” He mutters.
“But somehow... we made it to the moon... built great towers of glass... help out the homeless where we can... What I'm sayin’ is, no matter what's wrong, there's always something right.” He says. A spark seems to fill his eyes as the corner of his mouth twitches upwards.
“Am I right... or am I left?” He asks, still deadpan serious.
I snort through my tears, and start to giggle at the terrible joke. "W... What?"
“What what? Cheerio pip pip. Stiff upper lip, there's a good lass!” He says in a terrible accent, poking me on the lip as he does.
My giggles overcome the sad little hiccups and I look up to Pinkie Reid with a smile. "You going to break into song now?"
“Well... hold on, what time is it?” He asks, looking up at the darkening sky with me.
"About 6 I would guess. We’ve been talking for a while." I say
“Cause I did write this lullaby back before everybody became everypony. It's kinda sad but I think you need shleeples, right? Long day and all that. Or I could do the whole Pinkie number. I want to be original though. Oh wait, I totally forgot. I can't do original numbers without a youtube audience. I promised my mom...” he rambles. I am still stuck back on the lullabye bit though.
I blush a bit at the idea of being sung to sleep by pinkie pie. "A lullabye?" I ask, confused. "Like for kids?"
“Mmmyeah... I was role playing a sort of dark scary unicorn who just happened to be a mother but she kinda hid that fact so.... yeah. It's only four verses though.” He tries to explain.
"You are silly. I really hope you and Pinkie get along..." I say, a worried expression crossing my face as I finally get up, sitting next to him.
“Yeah... I...” he winced, as if remembering something. “....yeah, um, I've never been comfortable with crowds. At all. Pinkie's way too comfortable with them...”
“But hey, all couples have their arguments, right?” He says, shrugging.
"You aren't in a crowd right now." I point out.
“OH GEEZE I just said we were a couple.” He said, sticking his tongue out in distaste. “I haven't even dated before! Oh geeze that would mean you and Fluttershy are a couple!! Oh geeze, what is this, a double date?!”
"And yes you did." I giggle. "Luckily we can't see what you do in your head with your wifey wife." I snort. The number of times he can say “Oh geeze” without wearing it out is astounding.
After an awkward pause, Reid decides to fill it with more awkward. “.....you know I did RP a clop scene for a married pegasus once or twice.”
I sigh. "Not helping either of our mental sanity."
“Sanity's a lie anyway, it assumes a norm.” He says, sticking nose into the air before cringing and looking back to me. “Aaaaaaand now mind-pinkie is making eeeeew sounds.”
The silence resumes. I don’t think either of us are quite ready to return to the group. “Curious, can you break the laws of physics?" I ask.
“Well.... I sneeze confetti, have a super flexible neck, and apparently am able to stick a whole pillow into my mouth while sleeping. Also I have Pinkie sense, but beyond Twitchy Tail I can't interpret it.” He says, then after a moment he comes up with more to add to the list. “And I survived multiple electrical shocks. So... I think I'm on the edge right now. I'm not counting the IHOP incident.” he said darkly.
I had heard something on the radio about the implausible event but had thought it an exaggeration. Pinkie being involved would make sense in an odd way. "I thought that had something to do with Discord. I mean, That sort of thing just couldn't happen without magic, right?"
“Years of watching Mythbusters has taught me not to doubt the ingenuity of fools and physics.” She says with a giggle.
"Anyway, thank you for cheering me up. I really needed it." I say, hugging him.
“Hey... I was just returning the favor.” She smiles.
We make our way back to our respective tents, vans, and such to settle in for the night.
I lay in my sleeping bag, staring at the night sky through the mesh above us. I had nearly died today, I had gained a magical artifact that I did not feel like taking off even when sleeping, and I had met my counterpart who needed more help than I did.
I couldn’t help but wonder, as I fell asleep, if success was even possible against such odds.
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1562530 yup
What is Nightmare Whisper?
1562673 It is a joke on Reid's part, I don't know and my character doesn't feel inclined to clarify. I am guessing it is the hypothetical nightmare moon-taking over Fluttershy.
Guh... I didn't think I'd ever have a problem with pronouns except with time travel stories.
GAH!
"You, I mean me, I mean us, I mean you..."
But here:
"She, I mean he, I mean her, I mean him..."
...
In an unrelated note, great storytelling teamwork you guys, I mean girls, I mean dudes, I mean ladies, I mean...
1562673
Nightmare Whisper is the "Nightmare Moon" version of Fluttershy that became in my friend, Alex's Pony Point of View, or Pony POV for short. In one arc of the story Fluttershy's split personality, called FlutterCruel who was supposed to be the discorded Fluttershy that had taken over her during the Return of Harmony, showed Fluttershy that animals kill each other in the Everfree Forest. Overcame with so much sadness and her need to fix to world of cruelity, Fluttershy was taken over by the unknown darkness that allows ponies to become Nightmares (in that same chapter when Fluttershy transformed, the Princess Celestia of that universe said that ANYONE can become a NIghtmare) and became Nightmare Whisper.
Nightmare Whisper pretended to be an alicorn princess, called Princess Gaia, and started brainwashing everyone into becoming kids and be all innocent and stuff, without realizing and understanding that brainwashing ponies to be happy is WRONG. Once the mane cast caught up to her, Applejack eventually realized that the Princess Gaia form is nothing but an illusion and called her out, forcing Nightamre Whisper to reveal her true form. Which is something that I'm not going to explain in this comment section. Then the mane cast has to fight her.
In short Nightmare Whisper is a "Nightmare Moon" version of Fluttershy where instead of trying to make the night last forever, she tries to make everyone into being kids forever and make them live in a world of fog.
I have to say that is longer than the other stories and now that I'm done, I wanted to ask you (two) how do you collaborate with the other authors? Do you two even write together at the same time? Do you roleplay? How does that actually work?
By the way this story is great and turned out to be much bigger than I used to and I really hope that this is one of the story universes, that actually get finished instead of being dropped off. This story has even inspired me to try to finish up with my story soon as well. :)
1563772 We use google docs and an IRC room (in tandem) to collab as well as edit eachothers works if need be. chapters 22 and 23 were originally this transcript: here You can see how we each added our own spin to it, by comparing my chapters to his last three: here
Indeed, many tears were shed in this chapter. Also, he/she? Which?
Identity crisis indeed. Two ponies, four minds, two personalites, one voice actress.
1564060
Yeah it definitely shows and the titles of those interaction chapters will really help. But it definitely is a case of two RPers turning their chat into a story, when I read his side of the story I thought of this theme:
It fits with Reid's feelings of being afraid of Pinkie taking over his mind.
I was kind of surprised that I found myself relating to him more... but I'm not sure if I want to read his and Markus' stories fully, but at least I'm considering it, even though it's not good enough... Actually I'll probably read their stories anyway after my class is over and get their perspectives. I mean I read Why Am I Pinkie Pie? despite the fact that I'm really uncormfortable with men and boys becoming one of the mane cast, so I guess I can push myself to read the other two. Besides this story is really interesting.
Edit: That was close I made a really weird error while underlining his story, I think I should be more careful with certain word fonts from now on. Also there's something I want to ask you and I suppose I should as Dashing as well, if it's alright to put everyone's stories into two certain group categories that I've been meaning to place it in when I first read them.
Evil wins when good ponies do nuthing!
I liked the ending part of the chapter.
I remember when 3000 words was considered long. Now we got stories updating weekly like the Pandemic sequel and Diaries of a Madman with over 10000 words a chapter on average.
That IHOP incident NEEDS context
9659008
Noodle incident, common trope which Pinkie wanted to employ, and which I forgot about until now lol.
Maybe when I finish the story I'll add a bonus chapter attempting to reveal what actually happened at the iHop!