• Member Since 13th Jul, 2012
  • offline last seen Aug 24th, 2014

Invictus_rising


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Source

When you lose something you try to find it again. Sometimes when we find it, we realize we don't want it anymore. That's when you need to start over.
That's when you need to let go...

Cover art http://raikoh-illust.deviantart.com/art/Sad-Pinkie-Pie-270424397

Chapters (1)
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Comments ( 19 )

A huge thank you to Foxi Hooves
New style of writing here, gonna need lots of critique and all that.
I may add a Romance tag and bump the rating to Teen later.

Thank you :twilightsmile:

Following to see where this goes, I can't fave it since I need more details as to what happened. :duck:

A ticket collector is called a conductor.

1512608 Thank you, Fixed.
New chapter is being written. Should be out sometime during the week if all goes well.
Thank you everyone who is giving this fic some love. It means a lot to me

This...

This story is very deep, I thoroughly enjoyed it. I don;t even know if I can use smilies. I feel a little :pinkiesad2:

Please write more, this also deserves more views and more likes. I hope my +1 is good enough. :twilightsmile:

The emotion felt very real, the use of first person as well really helps tie in the emotion (Which is what I look for in stories.)

Ops I used a smilie :twilightblush:

1533029 Thank you so much! Yeah, tried something new, seems to be working, and thus I shall be continuing this.
My Little Fimfiction: Chapters are Hard!
This needs a salute emote *salute*

Veni, Vidi, Legi, Gustare
I came, I saw, I read, I enjoyed.
God help me, but I do love a good melancholy, as long as it's ultimately uplifting. :pinkiesad2::pinkiesmile:
Thumbs and fave for new chapters.

Yay i love this story so far keep it up i am dying to see what happens! :pinkiehappy:

Alright, you asked for a review and I shall provide it.

Overal, this isn't a bad prologue at all (though attempting to keep the narrator a "mystery" seems a bit silly; it's quite obvious from the cover picture and character tag that it's Pinkie). Still, I found myself wondering what had happened to make her this way. You put quite a few baited hooks in this story's waters, friend, and though you didn't quite "hook" me, you've definitely left me a bit curious. This, of course, is a good thing. Also, the writing is, for the most part, really solid. I was looking out for grammar errors, and I could only find a handful.

Now, onto some constructive criticism:

First: Please space after your ellipsis.
This

rainbows…sometimes

Should be this:

rainbows… sometimes

Not a huge error, but one that really irks me at times.

Second: There are points where this story gets very tell-y. Here are some examples:

stared at me with annoyance.

Here, you could write something more show-y, like "He glared at me, then rolled his eyes with a heavy sigh."

I chuckled nervously, looking around

You could write something like: "I chuckled, sweat pouring down my brow as my eyes scanned the seats" or something like that.

the mostly empty streets, as not only was it late, but most sane ponies stayed inside during such storms.

This one is just bad. Definitely need to try to rephrase this.

There are a few instances of this, but not as many as I've seen before. You have moments where you show stuff rather well—just try to be a tad bit more consistent with it.

Third You do have some grammar errors that I'd like to point out. These aren't all of them, but they were the most glaring

sunshine & rainbows

Should be "sunshine and rainbows"

throwing up umbrella’s

Should be "umbrellas"

sad, and angry

No comma between those two

I shook my head; my drenched

That semicolon should be a comma

10 bits

Should be "ten bits"

Fourth: You do phrase stuff awkwardly from time to time. Here are some examples:

umbrella carrying shift change

her eyes focused for the first time I’d ever seen them be

I don't even know what that first one's supposed to mean, and that second one gave me a migrane.

Also, my biggest problem with this story came from a single line

My sapphire eyes sparkled in the dim light

I mean... I just don't like this. Nobody thinks about their eye color. Nobody would look at themselves in the mirror and say "My sapphire eyes look red today." It just doesn't happen. If you got rid of sapphire, this would be perfect. Save the eye colors for the next chapter or something. Have somebody say. "I love your eyes. Such a brilliant shade of sapphire." or something along those lines.


As I said before, not a bad story in the slightest. Sure, the plot seems a bit been-there-done-that, but even I am guilty of that from time to time, so that's no fault on you. It's well-written for the most part and it definitely has some intriguing things going for it. I would complain that Pinkie's (assuming this is Pinkie) voice sounds nothing like her, but at the same time, I have no idea what she's gone through. If she's gone through hell and back like I'm thinking, well... she would definitely not be all pomp and circumstance.

So, yeah... good start. If you want any assistance with upcoming chapters, I will gladly provide it. :twilightsmile:

1648319 Thank you for this Razed, so very, very much!
It was a definitely a new style for me (No dialogue and no names save the first to give the progressive idea of where she was) was done on purpose, and so It's got some gremlins for me.
This stuff is really helpful, and yeah, I'll probably be getting your help when I get started back up on this.
Thanks again for the first proper review of one of my stories Razed, this should be SUPER helpful!
:yay:

1648373
No problem. I love helping people out with their fics. :raritywink:

Heh, funny enough, this is the first "proper review" I've ever written for something. :twilightblush:

It is a factuality of life,

Isn't the phrase "It is a fact of life"?

and trust me I’d tried so hard.

Need a comma after "me".

and dropped 10 bits into

Razed already pointed this out. Write the numbers in word form.

The stallion seemed to understand and merely bowed

Need a comma after "understand".

I couldn't go to her home; it was far too near to the edge of the forest in this rain.

This is a very well done way to tell us that it's Fluttershy. Good job with that.

1799954 :twilightblush: At least this one has considerably less wrong with it! Sign of improvement right?
Thanks :twilightsmile:

1800747
Eeyup.
Tis a good sign.

Enticing start, I'm very interested to see where this is going to go. Have a star and upvote! :twilightsmile:

I'm taking an interest in this. I wonder how Pinkie got into this mess...?

2010459 O.o
I'm starting to get the feeling people really want to see this continued...
:raritystarry: :rainbowderp:
Woo hoo
Lol and thank you for the fave! :twilightsmile:

2011522
No problem! If you ever need any help, give me a ring.

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