Omlliw
Joined 29th Jun, 2012 ·
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Uhhmmm... I guess I will put this on my read later list.... Or something...
And then they fucked.
The story's not over yet...what do you want to see in the upcoming chapters?
Hmm...Seem's like PINKIE is the evil enchantress in this...
Very Interesting. I'll see where this goes.
1510319
A few tips to a fellow beginner.
1. Never write a story placed within an episode. it is almost impossible. It also works more like a set of boundaries than it is helping.
2. Don't sart of with stories that wil be tagged for sex (this will due to the ending in chapter 3).
3. Get a prof reader.
4. Write about something you like. Do you like archery? fine, let the CMC try archery to get their cutie marks. Do you like scary stories? fine, send fluttershy into the everfree forest (just have a damn good reason to do it).
5. have the story worked out BEFORE you post anything. There's enough stories put on hiatus as it is.
6. Rainbow dash is best pony, and she is straight
I ain't saying your story is bad, i'm just saying you started in the wrong place. Write a story taking place during the winter, after s2 ended or in the background of an episode.
1510693
I like mind control.
You're referencing the show too much. The second half of the first chapter and the entirety of the second chapter contain nothing you came up with yourself; you're just copying what they say in the episode word-for-word. By itself, that's known as plagiarism, and is not only bad writing, it's actually illegal. What you should do is fill it in between the lines of dialogue; tell us what Twilight thinks while all this is going on. Describe how the spoken words gradually influence Twilight's slow downward spiral (pun not intended).
You should also space your paragraphs out more. When you press "Enter", you should press it a second time as well. That makes it easier to read. Also, you don't need to start a new line at the end of every sentence. You just need to make sure no two characters are speaking in the same paragraph.
Okay. Stop. Random clop, and a story from inside an episode. Not a good combination. K?
1510815
Nah.
1510833 "Nah"? What do you mean by that?
1510889
Nope.
Nah.
Nicht.
1510905So... you're not taking my advice? That plagiarism needs to be taken care of. There are actual laws forbidding the parts I described. These laws come with rather harsh penalties.
This fic has potential; I'd hate to see it wasted.
1510925
I've done plenty of illegal things in my life.
1510939So you write a story with great potential, waste that potential, steal content along the way, and troll people who try to help... Yeah, that's a surefire way to move forward in life. Note the sarcasm dripping off my words.
Listen, Lord Willmo. What you do is actually punishable by law in every singe country in the WORLD!
The sentence could be anything from a rather large fine 10K USD++++ and even jail!
It surprises me that you got the story past withot getting a strike.
You won't take an advice? Fine, silk gloves are now off
The past two chapters were just explaining what happened in that episode, and this ones abit different. watching i guess :I
1510905 Nicht??? you're from Germany right? or did you just picked this word from anywhere? (Ich bin aus Deutschland deswegen frage ich)
1510696 hah pinkie oie raping twi lol.dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Pinkie_Pie_lolface.png
not many fics in this topic. Hope there's more
Okay, first off you are not the roughest diamond I've read but you do need some improvement.
The biggest thing is chapter length, bigger is better. You should also try to break the episodic mold; e.g. don't just add things, change them. Your clop writing also needs a little work, but I can excuse this scene given the setup.
And for the love of Celestia ignore the "this is plagerism" crap, you're doing fine as long as you don't profit.
All in all, this has caught my attention and is definitely worth reading. Hope to see more.
For Great Justice!
1730665
Now you, I like.
WOW please do more I LOVED THIS.
SEQUEL I BEG YOU!
4571709
Well thanks. Did you know I had a clopfic planned for every episode? Ah the mind of a crazy.
But yeah thanks, I suppose I should get back into the clop game. Any suggestions on what to do next?
4574860 i enjoy the whole mind control angle!
4584959 Well I'll get to work on it as soon as I finish my other story.
Dude, Lord Wilmo, nice job man. I love the story and I'm sure plenty of others do too. The approach you take by describing the "behind the scenes" shenanigans of a normal MLP episode is awesome, not to mention the fact that it's a hypnosis clopfic (a kind that is rather scarce in MLP fanfiction sadly). It's really an innovative take on familiar material. As for the haters, ignore them and move on with your life. Honestly, no one is going to give a single f*ck about how you "plagiarized" in a FANFIC. Rock on man; keep on writing!
5158194 Thanks brah.
As I've said previously, my teenage brain can pump out a clopfic scenario for just about any episode (see my other story based on Testing Testing 1 2 3, also working on one for Daring Don't) and if I had more time then I definitely would more often.
But yeah, thanks for the feedback again.