Hoof Hoof Hoof

by Karkadinn

Rarity

“Are you suuure you can't use your magical unicorn powers to sew me magical hoof gloves?”

“I'm fairly certain such advanced telekinetic feats are entirely beyond my meager capabilities, Pinkie Pie, although I do much appreciate the vouch of confidence.” Rarity patted Pinkie on the back, while the party pony focused on happy fun feelings with all her might to keep her mane from drooping. “But, come to think of it, there are quite a lot of fun games that you can play with our hooves. Perhaps you just need to be reminded what fun they all are so you forget all about this... rock, parchment, scissors, was it? What an uncouth thing, why I'd never be caught dead with a mere rock as a participant in my frivolities, I'll have you know.”

Pinkie considered one of many, many replies to that, and said none of them, and was proud of Exercising Self-Restraint, a valuable quality the Cupcakes had been taking great pains to teach her. Now that meant she didn't have to exercise it any for the rest of the week, yay!

“In fact, it's my day off, why don't we break out Monopony?” Rarity rubbed her hooves together. “Oh, I do so love a few rounds of bold yet treacherous businessmareship!”

Some things held true regardless of all else. No matter what else was going on in her life, once Pinkie was invited to play a game, there was no way she could possible say no. Unless, like, the fate of the entire universe DEPENDED on her saying no, but so far, that hadn't happened yet.

“That sounds great, Rarity! I won't even have to go easy on you because I know how good you are at it.” She narrowed her eyes, remembering the last game and the banker-related misdeeds that had lived forever in board gaming infamy. “I think this time we should get a neutral third party to be the banker, though. How about Sweetie Belle?”

“My little sister,” Rarity replied flatly. “Handling paper. With magic. Do you want my store to burn down?”

“Not today!” Pinkie said with a giggle, just to see the look on Rarity's face. It was as silly as she could have hoped for. “How about Opalescence then? She looks like a cat with a knack for handlin' the moolah rack.”

“Pish posh, what do you take her for, a common trained monkey?”

“There's nothing common about monkeys!” Pinkie pouted, remembering her failed trip to Fluttershy's. “Fluttershy didn't even have a single one! Not even a LEMUR, and those are like, the monkeys for when you can't get a real monkey! And don't even get me started on gorillas.”

“Why did... never mind. Look, dear, perhaps it would be best if we just took turns, eh? You can be the banker for a few turns and then I'll be the banker.”

“Is that allowed? That sounds like it breaks some kinda antitrust law to me.”

“There are no antitrust laws in Monopony!”

“Really? Wow. The Princess should really get on that, I mean have you SEEN the rental prices lately? Total bubble, gonna burst like THAT, and take all the poor shoes and wheelbarrows with it. Of course the TOP HAT will be fine with his nice five hundred bit bill parachute.” She rolled her eyes.

And so the epic final battle over who could master all the colored squares in a square piece of cardboard: a pony who relied on cutthroat business acumen and pragmatic, rational strategizing of long term priorities and assets, versus a pony who relied on random dice rolls. Based on previous games, Pinkie fully expected to win inside twenty minutes.

“Huh, snake eyes! They look just like two rocks tied with each other!”

“Pinkie...”

She sighed heavily. “Yeah, yeah, I'm moving my little pewter thingabobby! Plunk plunk, purple square! Sure, I'll buy it.”

Rarity wrinkled her nose. “Goodness, low class property. Scarcely worth the bits if you ask me.”

“Hey, those ponies work HARD for what they have!”

“I only meant that it's a mere two-space color set, Pinkie. Even if you get them both, the chances of anypony landing on them are microscopic!”

“Psh, proletariat.” She stuck her tongue out and rolled again. “Aww, I'm in jail!”

“I can't say I didn't see that coming.”

“Maybe I'm just visiting relatives!” Pinkie sniffed at old memories. “Poor Uncle Winkie... anyway, your turn!”

After a second of regarding her rival player with mixed sympathy and suspicion, Rarity rolled her dice with a dagger-like flourish of her horn. “Ah HAH! A railroad, one of the very captains of industry! Yes, I do believe I will partake.”

Cash and card exchanged between parties, they moved on. With only two players, there wasn't much to stop either of them from gobbling up as much property as they could feast their pewter figurines on. And while there was some fun trading going on at first, Rarity eventually became way too paranoid for her own good and put a halt to any further wheeling or even dealing.

“Okay. How about if I give you Pony Place, Stallion Stables and Trotting Gardens, and you give me just one itsy-bitsy Horseshoe Avenue?”

Rarity let out the nth of many exasperated sighs of the day. “But Pinkie, that makes no sense. You'd be giving me three complete sets in exchange for a property that doesn't even match any of yours!”

“But it starts with a random letter! Just like Twobit Company, Saddlesoap Works and Canter Avenue.”

“But that doesn't entitle you to any additional rental upgrades.”

“I know, but isn't it neat?!”

“I'm afraid I must refuse. Absolutely. I suspect...” Rarity's eyes narrowed. “A trap! This old mare wasn't born yesterday, you know!”

“Wouldn't it be super funny if you were, though?”

“Yes, I suppose... ah, Pinkie, what is that behind your back?”

“Behind what back?” Pinkie tried to look innocent.

“Behind the only back you have, dear. The one with your, your spine and mane and so forth.” The fashionista waved a hoof in the air vaguely.

Sheepishly, Pinkie moved over to let Rarity see the origami scissors she'd constructed with her back hooves while her front half was busy playing the game. The one bit bills had made excellent pointy parts; she'd even papercut herself on them!

Rarity let out a long, low groan and plonked her head on the board, hotels scattering. “I am beginning to think that the exciting world of business is insufficiently distracting for a pony of your particularities.”

“I'm sorry Rarity! It's just that I started thinking we could use rock paper scissors when we forgot who was the banker and from there it just snowballed! A game within a game, Rarity! Think of the WONDERRRRRRRR....”

The other pony jerked upright, banging her front hooves lightly on the board and displacing what was left of the plastic architecture. “Clearly we need something a little more nerve-twanging to entrap your hyperactive interest! Don't worry, Pinkie Pie, I know just the thing!”

They moved on from Monopony to the often-neglected board gaming niche of amateur surgical procedures. Pinkie put on a surgical smock, cap and mask for the event, which had Rarity wondering why Pinkie had costume caches in her store. Silly Rarity, didn't she knew you had to be prepared for things like trying to remove a banana from a pony's lung no matter where they might arise?

It was a neck-and-neck race to the finish to prove who was the best amateur surgeon. Rarity was surprisingly good even when she didn't use her magic to make it totally fair, but Pinkie had a few tricks up her sleeve.

“I really could have gone my entire life happily never knowing your tongue could bend into shapes like that.”

Pinkie spat out the light bulb statuette and beamed. “Tongue muscles are muscles too, Rarity! Ya gotta let your body know who the boss is! Besides, it has all kinds of practical applications!” She wrapped her tongue around a bowl of popcorn, ate all the salty buttery goodies inside and flipped the bowl back on the floor with an expert lickity-lash. “Rarity? Why are you blushing?”

“No reason whatsoever, dear. Well, I suppose that leaves the only operation left to perform a removal of a...”

“A tiny little scissors...” Pinkie confirmed sadly, her lower lip a'tremble. “Scissorses? Scissor. Oh, it looks so lonely without a rock and a piece of paper!”

Rarity reached over the board to clasp Pinkie's hooves in her own. “Pinkie Pie, I'm begging you! For the love of Celestia, let. It. Go.”

“I will take your suggestion into serious consideration.”

“...you have no intention of letting it go, do you,” Rarity growled.

“None whatsoever.”

“Bah! Perhaps Twilight will have better luck getting your mind off of things. Go have her Scrabble your brains out or something, why don't you.”

Pinkie shuddered, remembering the last time. “Nuh uh, not goin' through that again. Last time we played she beat me by like three hundred points, and I was cheating!”

“Good heavens! Is that even mathematically possible?!”

“I have no idea, but you try telling Twilight that octogenarian isn't a word.” Pinkie shuddered again, her spine full of icy wormies. “She gets that Look in her eyes.” Then she perked up with a little smile. “But I'm glad you brought it up, 'cause now I know just the right way to fix my little handslessness problem....”