Spike
Hoof Hoof Hoof
“Sweet party as always, Pinkie.” Spike splashed his feet happily around his rubber ducky floatation ring, enjoying the cool, refreshing feel of fruit punch against his skin.
“You're going to be showering off all that sugar as soon as we get home, mister,” Twilight said in passing, giving Spike reason to think that his boss was missing the entire POINT of an inflatable pool filled with punch and candied orange slices.
“Aww, thanks Spikey! I think everypony's about partied out though. Say, d'you want the last chili pepper jello cup?”
“Do I?!” He made grabby hands, then took care to re-dignify himself, remembering the old greed growth incident. “Maaaaaybe,” he recovered innocently.
“Darn!” Pinkie giggled. “I was hoping to get the last one, they always taste the best. That's okay though!”
“Oh, well....” That made him feel kinda bad, actually, he had already had a ton of treats today. If he just tried to change his mind, Pinkie'd ignore it and shove the jello mold in his mouth anyway, though. This called for finessey. “How about we rock paper scissors for it?”
“Silly Spike, you know I'm not legally allowed to run with scissors anymore!”
“No, see, it's like, a little game, like flipping a coin, and the winner can get the jello cup.”
“Oh my gawsh! A game I've has never played before?! Why has no one ever told me of this?! I MUST KNOW!”
Spike floated a little away from the candy-scented snout that was grinding into his face with a grin. “Um, well, it's not really that exciting or anything. Here, let me show ya how it works. Hold out your hand. Uh, hoof.”
She held out a hoof next to his outstretched hand.
“Now, we bob it up and down three times... like this. One... two... THREE!”
“...numbers of indeterminate purpose, ah, ha, ha!” Pinkie added in a thick but (to Spike, at least) indecipherable accent.
He blinked at her, then shrugged and moved on. “Okay, so, on THREE, you're supposed to make the symbol for a rock-” he made his hand into a fist, “a paper-” he flattened his hand out, “or scissors,” and finished by displaying his hand with the top two and bottom two fingers bunched up and separated from the other two. “Rock smashes scissors, scissors cuts paper, and paper covers rock.”
Pinkie frowned, her forehead wrinkling. “That doesn't sound right. I think rock should beat everything. It's a great big smashy rock!”
“But then no one would choose paper or scissors!”
“Well, at least rock should be able to beat PAPER, dontcha think? I mean, what kind of paper could beat a big ol' tough rock?”
“Maybe it's magic paper. Yeah, that's it. It's magic paper with a spell written on it.”
“Okay, I guess I can buy that.”
“So, are you ready?”
“Ready!”
“One... two... three! Woohoo, paper beats rock!”
“I'm not making rock! I'm making scissors!”
They stared together at her hoof for a moment. “Are you sure? It looks like a rock to me.”
“No way! I'm totally making scissors See? Snip snip snip!” She wobbled her hoof back and forth.
Spike sighed, knowing Pinkie well enough to get that he'd never win if he made an argument out of it. “Okay, okay, how about best outta three.”
“You're on!”
“One... two... three!”
“Yeah, take that, dumb ol' rock! Get derockified by my papery paper! See how it floats in the breeze like a graceful ninja assassin? WhooooOOOoooooOOooo....”
“Uh, Pinkie, it still looks like you're doing rock to me,” Spike pointed out hesitantly, fidgeting with his tail as he watched her wiggle her hoof back and forth in a way that almost made him seasick. The things he went through for spicy jello.
They looked at her hoof and looked at it and looked at it some more.
“Maybe you're doing it wrong,” Pinkie finally said.
“How am I doing it wrong?” Spike huffed, crossing his arms in mild offense. “You're the one making the symbols wrong!”
“I am not! You probably taught me wrong so you could milk me for sweet, sweet free wins. It's okay Spike, I'm on to you.” She leaned down at almost a right angle to nudge him with her elbow. “Ya cute widdle sabotager, you!”
“You mean saboteur, Pinkie,” Twilight said without looking while she was cleaning up the last of the chips from the snack table. “Sabotager isn't a word.”
Spike slapped a hand over his face. “Wow, duh, of course you can't make paper or scissors symbols, Pinkie! Your hoof... is a hoof. No fingers like this, see?” He wiggled his fingers into scissors and paper again, and then did a few random sign language symbols he'd learned from Twilight just for funsies. “I'm not really that hungry anymore anyway, you can have the jello.”
Pinkie looked over at the jello and then back at Spike's hand, seeming unconsoled. “But... but I want to play the gaaaaaammmmeee,” she said with a huge pout.
“Ain'tcher fault ya don't have the digits t'wiggle, sugarcube,” Applejack put in kindly, patting Pinkie on the back. The other five had noticed the minor commotion and had drifted over to Pinkie to see what was up.
Grabbing the jello and tossing it over to Pinkie, Spike watched her swallow it whole but didn't see her face perk up one little bit. This was a real downer.
“Come on Pinkie, it's not even that fun a game anyway!”
“B-but I don't know that,” Pinkie said with a little shake in her voice, “because I can't play it! Whoever heard of a game Pinkie Pie can't play?! Nopony!” She straightened up, her voice gradually raising to Royal Canterlot Voice volume but with a high-pitched screech to it that reminded Spike of bats. “THIS WILL NOT STAND!”
“But Pinkie, you are standing,” he pointed out confusedly.
“I mean, I mean, I must find a way to play this wonderful game!” She brightened. “I know! I'll just carve my hooves, I'll get Rarity to use Applejack's whittlin' kuhnife! Rarity, AJ, you gotta help a pony down on her luck! CAN YOU FIND IT IN YOUR HEARTS TO MUTILATE MY HOOFIE?!”
“They still wouldn't be able to move, dear, and isn't that the point of the whole scenario?” Rarity quickly noted to Spike's relief. That was Rarity for ya, always thinking about how to keep other ponies from uglifying themselves. Except when mud or cucumbers were involved. “You wouldn't be able to change one hoof from paper to scissors or what have you.”
“Awww.” Pinkie gave AJ back her whittlin' knife, who snatched it with a look of possessive suspicion. “I guess I'll just have to come up with some other way to play. Hm.”
“Ya know Pinkie Pie, maybe it's okay if'n you can't play every darn game under the sun,” Applejack put out. “Maybe you just need to learn to accept that some things just ain't meant for ponies to do. Just like Spike here can't make a Sonic Rainboom and I can't buck apples with magic.”
Pinkie laughed so loudly that Spike almost went under the punch from flailing in surprise while everypony else in the room started.
“Ohhhh, Applejack!” She sighed happily. “I thought we knew each other better than that by now! Me, accept the common laws of physics governing mundane reality? Yeah, that's not happening. What is happening is that I'm gonna figure out a way to play rock paper scissors.” Her eyes narrowed in determination. “No matter what it takes, I will not let this tragic birth defect beat me.”
Spike gulped and held up a hand. “Hey, Twilight? I want it noted for the record that whatever happens, I only meant well.”
“So noted,” Twilight acknowledged with a nod and a flurry of telekinetic scribbling.
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You think you could split your chapters up, mate?
*side from that, I liked it. It was a cute little original fic that was written quite decently. I have a couple of suggestions, though:
1. I noticed some characters were a teensy bit OOC. Sometimes they would say something in such a way they wouldn't in the show. For example, Pinkie uses better English vocabulary and Rarity is quite verbose.
2. The "narrator", or mayhaps just the third-person observant sometimes includes opinionated and un-neded statements, such as "Considering her body type..." or "As Rarity would say..." (I would put the full examples in, but I'm on a phone).
3. The tl;dr. Yes, there are breaks, but on FiMFiction it isn't possible to set a bookmark (yet(?)). I suggest splitting the different encounters or experiences into different chapters.
That's all I really have to say; it was a good fic otherwise and issues 2-3 are more personal than they are community-based. Good job!
This is amazing.
well written. strange,but well written
...I read the entire story, and I STILL can't find a good response to this.
Oocness is an issue, and it REALLY needs chapters. As it is, it feels like either multiple different fics put together, or you just went crazy long. Also, at parts you go from comedy, to just 'weirdness'. Pure craziness isn't funny, especially in large doses, and especially when there's no 'center' of reality.
That said, it's a good idea, with quite a few LOL moments. Keep it up.
Buck....that has to be the longest one-shot I ever read in my life which to be honest is not a good thing.
You have to be sure to seprate your paragraphs, and it went to many different changes in this story, I would have just liked the part where Pinkie can accpet that she can't do the game with Spike but you...I don't konw, sort of took this way to far, don't get me wrong I love it and I notice so many great refences such as Eric Cartmen and a few others but your one-shot is so long that I honestly can't remember the ones I really wanted to say.
Damn, I'll give you an upvote and a fav because it's very bad ass but please try to change these into chapters, there was a time or two that I just wanted to quit but I'm to much of a loyal bastard to do such.
I have to agree with the above posters. It is funny, but far too long for a one shot.
How many times did I laugh? No idea. You no doubt have a finger placed on whatever part of my brain interprets humor in addition to a very, very special sense of humor. It seemed like there was something funny in every three or four sentences.
I hope Rarity was blushing over daydreams of watching Pinkie unleash her tonguey talents on Spike, rather than just thinking about herself. Speaking of whom, you'd think Spike would have been kidnapped and molested by Lyra by now if she was that infatuated with fingers.
My headcanon, before the ending, had Spike fixing the problem he'd launched by building a Hungry-Hungry-Hippos-type of contraption with three levers apiece that she can slam her hoof down on.
.......
WHAT DID I JUST READ.
505110
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(Trying to respond in bulk here, hope this quote format works out....)
I was very surprised to hear complaints about length and structuring it as a one-shot. From my perspective, any chapter under 10K is quite small! But, of course, silly comedies give audiences different pacing expectations compared to epic tragedies, soap operas and adventures. This is unusual for me, but considering the all but universal opinion on the story's structure, I've decided to split each scene into its own chapter. Now y'all have no one to blame but yourselves for what's going to be a ridiculously short Gilda chapter. ;)
The paragraph structure, however, is just something that's part of my style that you'll have to get used to, I'm afraid. Frankly, I use too many short paragraphs as it is to be able to stand cutting them up even more.
@ Mitchell and Dan in particular....
OOCness is one of the few things that bothers me enough that I'm willing to stop being lazy and edit it out. If you two or anyone else cares enough to point out specifically significant OOC moments, I'd be more than happy to revise them. I'm a very character-centric writer, so getting those personalities just right is important to me.
Thanks for the comments and the criticism, everyone!
1515944 Never a problem
1511835 Holy buck that is genuis...a Lyra and Spike rape maybe even romance fic? Shit, sign me up
"Except when mud or cucumbers were involved" for the first 3 seconds I took this the wrong way
“Silly Spike, you know I'm not legally allowed to run with scissors anymore!” <---- That line alone is worth a thumbs up, I giggled
(seriously, it creeped me the heck out
).
brilliant
giggled all the way through
love it!
Pinkie, you need Lyra.