They say if you were to go out to the river when the moon is full and dim, you will find a mare weeping over the death of her two foals.
Based on a Texan Legend.
Chapters (1)
7th Partial
Joined 17th Jan, 2012 ·
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Well, this my first fan fiction.To be honest I thought I was never going to finish this story because I usually never finish anything, so that something. I guess. Not much of a writer so any constructive criticism would be greatly appreciated.
Brother, I know that feeling well. I struggled with finishing projects until I started writing here, got my first follower, and then it was all about writing for me. Keep grinding and improving, it gets more fun as you go.
Now *cracks knuckles*, you asked for critiques? You want critiques?! Oh boy, have you come to the right place!
I AM THE TERROR THAT FLAPS IN THE NIGHT! I AM — POTENTIAL BADFIC CHECKLIST!!
Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.3)
By OtterMatt
Pre-read
Picture of an OC in General Zoi's ponymaker or MSPaintNonsense salad of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the plot
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Multiple chapters under 900 words
In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome
Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
Black-Hole Sue Syndrome
Rating: 4/5 Pinkies
Verdict:
lurkmore.so/images/thumb/b/bf/A_winner_is_you.jpg/180px-A_winner_is_you.jpg
Some ending thoughts...
Okay, I'll lay it out for ya now. See all that green up there? That puts you in the top 5% of all first-time writers. Give yourself a pat on the back, because you deserve it.
Even the stuff that isn't laid out there, like plot, pacing, narrative, description—you're not bad at all of it.
The stuff that you did miss, though, is frustrating to me as a reviewer, because it's inconsistent. That almost always means that you wrote it and posted your first draft right away, and that's just not good practice. I KNOW you know better than some of these mistakes, and just reading through it a second or third time would polish this story up to a mirror shine. Check these out:
I'd bet those are making you facepalm right now.
Now, the stuff you didn't get a passing grade on: sentence construction and comma use.
Sentence construction:
Look at that paragraph. Every sentence outside of dialogue is simply *noun verbs in an adjective way*. Change it up now and then. If you notice that your sentences all seem to start with names, then that's a good sign that you're getting repetitive. That paragraph is also a good place to start talking about the second point,
Comma Usage:
In English grammar, a comma always comes at the end of dialogue when you're continuing with narration, except when you're using an exclamation point or question mark. E.g.,
should be written as
Notice that comma there? That's how it's done, grammatically speaking. Also, the problem you have with commas is that you don't use nearly enough. A comma denotes a slight pause in speaking or narrating, like a rest in music or a slightly deeper breath in speaking. It also separates clauses (independent thoughts) in sentences.
would be changed to:
Do you see what I did there? The thought that Twilight is annoyed is set apart, making it more distinct from the action of responding. Think about how you read things out loud sometime. Try to imagine where you place rests or breaths when you speak. That should give you a fair idea of where a comma should be used.
To sum up: you've got a lot of potential! Keep these two things in mind, and the rest of story is all down to finding your voice. You've got something worth working on here.
Good luck to you!
- OtterMatt: TWE's Resident Master of Music
djotter.blossers.net/TWE%20Badge.png
I'm not going to go into an informative review like OtterMatt, but I have to say that I did quite enjoy this story.
I liked the whole premise of taking an idea from an urban legend and applying it to a pony story. There were a few errors in the way of grammar, but OtterMatt did a pretty good job of pointing them out. Personally, I felt that they didn't really detract from the story, but it would make it a little easier to read if you were to give a separate paragraph whenever someone new speaks.
In short, I liked it. I hope you do something similar again.
1499707
Awesome. Thank you for your critique. I found it to be quite helpful. I'll get started on fixing those mistakes. Thank you for reading!
Cam I say I've so happy you did this adaptation.
I've always loved the legend of 'La Llorona',especially being Hispanic,it's one of my favorite ghost stories and one I can always be drawn too.
I say great job my friend with this story,as well as the creepy factor on it.I give it 10/10.
1502422
Cool Another Hispanic Brony! Yeah La Llorona has always been one of my favorite ghost stories. Along with The Ghost Tracks here in San Antonio but they recently disproved that. Oh well. Anyway thanks for reading!
1503636
HISPANIC DUDES FTW *brohoof*!
Welcome :3.And owo...ghost tracks?
1499707 yeah... I wish I had the grammatical skills and knowledge that you have shown in your review. If I had that level of skill, I think I could more easily order my story ideas into something better organized and readable.
One particular aspect of your review pleases me immensely. I have seen many reviewers tear a writer apart like a pack of dobermans on a three legged cat. You chose a different path. You gave real advice and constructive criticism in a manner that was quite helpful, and you also gave plenty of encouragement. New writers need reviewers such as yourself, so that they receive tutorage and motivation to become better writers. Thank you.
Now, about the story itself. While there were grammer and structure issues within the writing, the story itself was outstanding. I look forward to reading more from you, good writer!
1521434
You might want to keep your eyes open in the near future. The TrainWreck Explorers (the preeminent tearers-apart of god-awful fic and egotistical writer) and SALT (probably the premiere writer-assistance and editing forum that no one's ever heard of) are potentially joining forces.
If it goes down the way it's been discussed, we will have a pretty large group of not only talented writers and editors, but fairly good teachers and mentors as well.
And personally, as part of the TWE, I wade through so many horrifically bad stories that when I find anything good (and this is quite good), I will go to just about any length to help a writer with potential.
1522252 It would be a very good thing to happen, the formation of a group such as that. I know I could definately benefit from the assistance and encouragement that would be offered. (Makes me wish such a group existed within AFF.net)
Dang, for your first fic, this is pretty gosh darn impressive! Great job with this!
Also, I couldn't help but notice your screen name. You wouldn't happen to be a fan of DCI, would you?
1912657
Thank you very much! And yes! Drum Corps is one of the few things I like more than ponies.
W00t! Guess that makes two of us :) It's nice to finally meet a fellow Drum Corps fanatic on here for once!
1917144
Awesome! Can't wait for the 2013 season to start. It's going to be awesome.
Heck yeah, it will! As long as the Blue Devils don't steal another gold from Crown at finals next time. I don't wanna walk outta that stadium feeling as pissed off as I was this year lol.
1924377
Well I won't mind Blue Devils winning if they actually did a show that deserved to win. I thought that Crown's show was far more demanding and for such a complicated drill design, it was pretty clean. I like some of BD's shows like the "The Beat My Heart Skipped" and I even liked this year's show. (Mind you I had to watch it many times in order to understand it.)
Meh, any other year, I wouldn't be as opposed to having BD win, but when the second place show is so much more difficult and demanding, both physically and musically, it's always seemed...unfair. Also, their shows have always been good, but they've never really managed to impress me, or really give me goosebumps, for that matter. Sure, quadruple forte is cool for awhile, but not for a whole show lol. Whatevs, that's just my opinion.
In retrospect, this year was quite amazing, though, so I should stop complaining about it lol.
1929876
This year I think the reason BD won was because the Drill was much more cleaner but subsequently the drill was far simpler than Crowns. I was upset that Crown lost but oh well. It was still an amazing season. Despite it all, I'm considering trying out for BD simply because I want to know how it feels like to win. I know that sounds shallow but I have already marched 2 seasons (Revolution in Open Class) and had a "much harder show" than the winner and I'm tired of not getting rewarded for what I put out.
I agree. I was upset that in 2010 "Mad World" lost to "Through a Glass Darkly" I still don't get that show.
Well, holy crap, good luck! What do you play?
1940785
Thanks. I play Contra but I can also play Baritone.
haha found it! lets take a look shal we...
ok let's try this again...
nice, that was really well done, are you going to make a seqel?
hey, i'll send you mine, i haven't posted it yet, read it and let me know what you think.
1951273
Thanks! And no sadly, I didn't really plan on making any sequel for this. I actually wrote it for a Halloween contest for EQD but didn't meet the deadline on time, so I just posted it here.
So in regards to your other comment on my other story, if you want, you can totally write your version of the story. I think I'm done with this folk tale. I'll probably do some other Mexican folk tale, in the future.
haha i see what you did there
Aw, heck yeah, bassline ftw. I can play contra, albeit terribly, but I'm a trombone native, so baritone is a heck of a lot easier to play for me.
1957622
Awesome! Although I heard form Trombone players that it was difficult for them to pick up because they weren't used to the fingerings.
1961410 Meh, I didn't think it was too hard. I still have a bit of trouble with my fingers not syncing up, or being able to move them fast enough, but it really wasn't that difficult to pick up. Then again, I've never actually tried to play any legit music on it lol
That Story! Very, very, very well written
! But it's really sad, too 
..
2355708
Thank you for the compliments! What can I say? I like I'm a sucker for sad fics.
I don;t even have to look it up to know the story of La Llorona! Praise my upbringing!
Also, I'm gonna read this laer, but I'm sure it's good. :3 I'll read it in a bit.