• Member Since 22nd Feb, 2012
  • offline last seen 2 hours ago

CoolBreeze


Reader and attempted writer, an ordinary pegasus~

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One hundred and forty years after the great war, in which the Zebras scorched all of Equestria with balefire, a young medic wakes up in an abandoned facility and begins his struggle to survive the insurmountable odds. He must quickly learn to adapt to the horrors so many other ponies find commonplace, but he soon finds that sometimes the real monsters pale in comparison to one's own demons.

Chapters (3)
Comments ( 6 )

I see our once beautiful capitol.

I couldn't resist checking your stories after you replied in Antophology to my nitpick
As I don't know if you will see it, check this links:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capital
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Capitol_(disambiguation)

2636981
Haha you're a smart-arse. I was kidding around, a lot of people like you nitpick, for instance I was once told by someone like you that I spelt colour wrong, I told them to open an English dictionary and read it, or that I was using s instead of z for things like realise.

There was no need for you to come around and do this by the way, but I find it cute.

Been reading and again reading this again. I wanna know if you are going to continue it? I mean it is really good soooo COME ON XD I mean it though it is a good read and i'm stilling waiting for the next chapter to follow. I just hope you are going to continue it.

2686240
I actually did some work on several chapters last night, lol.

Well, though the Fallout: Equestria atmosphere is a little gruesome and gritty for my taste, I believe you capture it well..though as a disclaimer, I haven't read it as of yet (I may read it if you recommend it to me though).
I can certainly feel the death permeating the air; the decay, of ponies, structures, and society; and the danger lurking around every corner. The first and second chapters really put that tension into perspective (well-paced, I felt), and you underscore the harsh reality of the wastes with the juxtaposition of a pre-war pony in the post-war ruins. I nearly cried along with Aid as he recalled that memory from his nightmare, when the poor pony bled out there :c
Though there are really only two main characters at this point, if I had to choose (and you know how much trouble I have choosing favourites), I would say Sweets is my favourite and Aid a close second (they're both great though :3). I hope to learn more about Aid's past and Sweets' goals as they wander the wastes. I get the feeling that Sweets isn't just going to leave poor Aid alone :twilightsmile:

Now, as for criticisms, I don't have too much to add. Most of it you'll see from my editing of your first chapter X3 I think there are just a few minor issues relating to grammar and word choice (or if you want to be fancy, 'diction'). Some words like 'pound' or 'slam' can describe an action better than just 'hit', for example. Also don't forget to be less wordy here and there and use fewer 'filler' words at times :raritywink: Hopefully you'll see that in my edits.
Oh, and remember to show a little more at times—the sights, the sounds (including those of Aid himself), the smells (eww), the feeling of the ground under Aid's hooves—and try to avoid "I hear" or "I can see" sort of constructions, as they're unnecessarily wordy and can be a distraction (usually). I tried to remove some of those in my edits, and just general repetitions of "I" phrases.
There's also some distracting repetition of words or phrases at times, though it can be used effectively sometimes (there's a time and place for everything ;P).
Some sentences are awkwardly long or need a few fewer commas and a few more periods :raritywink: Just remember that you can use the size and structure of a sentence to help convey pace and mood :3. (Don't worry, I'm probably not the best at this myself >.<)
As for the story itself, there isn't anything negative I can think of right now. Of course, it is only three chapters in, but it's open-ended, leaves me with a lot of questions and wanting more, and it keeps a steady pace. It feels like you already know where it will go (of course, I know that already from talking to you :P) and the story isn't wandering aimlessly. Everything feels like it happens for a reason. Of course, my feedback on consistency and how well it ties into FO:E itself is limited, since I haven't read it, but I know you're one to pay attention to detail and have an interest for lore and background so I'm not concerned about that.

Oh, and looking at the FIMFiction version of chapter 3, it ends abruptly, as compared to the more-updated Google Docs one you showed me. ^^;

Anyway, that's all for now! Off to more editing and reading, and hopefully soon, writing!

Oh, speaking of an1979's comment on capitol versus capital, I changed it in my edits >.> I suppose either works in this case, but 'capital' would be more correct, I think.

Tesh :heart:

Edit: As for story things, I do hope it will take some unexpected twists and turns. Does Sweets have anything of her own to hide? She hasn't spoken much of herself, unlike Aid. Maybe we'll get to learn more about Sweets' client, or will she play a larger role later? These are a few of the questions that have come up in my own mind.

Edit 2: I forgot to mention that I really like the little dream with the stars at the beginning. It sets up Aid to wake up, thrust from the pre-war 'innocence' into this apocalypse, but at the same time it feels like a small glimmer of hope. I know it's most likely nothing important, just made me smile a little, that little light in the darkness.

Edit 3: You should put the chapter titles on here so it'll look pretty! :raritystarry:

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