EDIT: I have revised the first chapter and made some changes thanks to the tips a few of you gave me.
Drake, Dante, and Chris are best friends who have been trying to escape from the terrors of a virus that has spread all over the world, turning normal people into bloodthirsty creatures who will attack on site. When they search an abandoned military base, they find the answer to their problems.
How will they deal with being in a world they only dreamed of going to?
How will the ponies react to the humans sudden appearance?
Chapters (2)
Hate to say it bud, but there is already a story with this name.
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/58230/From-Hell-to-Paradise
If you want suggestions, ask and I'll try and help.
1502423 Your help would be much appreciated. Got any suggestions on a name?
Pretty good job, I enjoyed reading this and I look forward to the next chapters.
I wish you the best of luck.
1502502 Thanks, it's nice to know people enjoy my story so far and I will do my best do do a good job.
1502516 no problem
Ok, time to activate the car of TWE reviewing!
...
Aw crap. Out of fuel. Who knew that the tears of children would be so hard to find?
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Anyway, of the stuff I've read, this isn't to bad. Not much in the way of spelling or grammatical errors.
But the story itself?
By adding in these links, it seems like you're trying to add a "ermahgerd, that's a big knife, hes totally a badass." feel. Problem is, it is completely incorrect writing. You are supposed to DESCRIBE the knife, not provide a link to a picture of a knife. That's just being lazy.
Also, that beginning seems to be a complete summary of Resident Evil. Having never played the games, this doesn't bug me. However, we have a big case of "Overly Convenient Plot Device". Humanity just "happened" to create an inter-dimensional portal? And left it under some building? And the three main characters just HAPPENED to find it and somehow have the knowledge necessary to activate the device?
Really, that's my biggest qualm. I expected to come in here, with a shitload of stuff to comment on. I was pleasantly surprised to find good spelling, grammar, and coherent sentences. Even the basic premise of the story could be good. But right now, it kinda seems like you came up with the whole "zombie apocalypse" just to give an excuse for teens to have military weapons. (For the record, listening to music in an infected zone? That's just ASKING to be killed. Like driving a car while holding two cell phones to each ear.) Looks at this basic summary that COULD fit your story.
So, this hypothetical story would have a somewhat reasonable story to it. Ponies have the fear reaction to humans, ones who kill with ease and know far more than they should. Perhaps they're here to destroy Equestria! We need to stop them! Now, this I all guesswork, since all you have are these two chapters. But this story could go either way in quality. I hope you turn it into something good.
-Winter Storm
TWE's Common Controversy Catcher
i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1
TWE's Scribblestick here to figure out why the red bar is bigger than the green bar.
I was pleasantly surprised at this fic's overall quality. You didn't have many grammar problems, your formatting was good, and you had decent description. One note I have is that you should pick and choose the details that matter. For example, do I need to know that the main character has a couple Kuri Machetes, or is machetes good enough? Also, don't depend on links to explain things. You're a writer. Use your words.
Your setup feels a bit like Prototype, down to the zombies assimilating whatever's around them. And zombie infections like this have been done quite frequently, so right off, there's a feeling of a lack of originality.
Some of your descriptions were a little clunky. "This character has this color hair and is X'Y" tall" is a boring way of describing a character. Work these details into the narrative. "Dante ran a hand through his brown hair as a scowl came to his face." Or something. The way you have it now interrupts the story, and at least to me, exact height measurements are useless.
I thought the twist at the base came a little too quickly. I don't think you should spend a lot of time on buildup, but I think you should spend a little more than you do.
Then there's the dimension machine. Why do they assume that Equestria is a real place? Why do they take a dimension-creating machine seriously? I sure wouldn't unless I was desperate, and they don't seem desperate at this point. You say later that they're out of food and low on ammo, but their actions and descriptions don't suggest they're desperate enough to believe in something as crazy and a dimension-jumper.
You should use more contractions in dialogute - I'm, I'll, etc. Right now, it feels a bit unnatural.
Well, in the time it took me to read and review this story, the vote counts evened out. Go figure.
Anyways, hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE moderator
haha im first btw coll story bro
lolz
1502744 Thanks for the advice. I went back and changed quite a bit in the first chapter based on the tips you gave me.
I'm enjoying this. Keep it up.
1503214 I'll do my best. th05.deviantart.net/fs70/PRE/i/2011/167/6/0/rainbow_dash_salute_by_atomicgreymon-d3bo0dx.png
cool.
1502442 I'll need a few to figure one out, but when I do, I'll let you know.
1506251 Ok, I've already changed it to what it is now but I'll look through any you think of and change it again if i like it.
This fic has my attention!
Tracking
When's the next chapter coming out? I'm liking this fic