A mothers love

CelestialBrony

CelestialBrony #1 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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I'm going to read this in two hours, and I'm probably going to bawl my manly fucken eyes out.

esseresse

esseresse #2 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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...the wtf qouta has been exceeded

LightningDust

LightningDust #3 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it all began ·

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I'm curious to how you have in-visioned the Doctor for the purposes of this story. By this I mean 'Is he a Time lord of just a loony pony?'

Another interesting thing, did you know the Doctor could speak baby?

Yet another interesting thing, I almost thought for a second "That means Dinky is part Time lord. She can regenerate!" But that was swiftly crushed when I heard that Derpy is a cheat. So sad.

I'll keep an eye to see how this goes...

dartmaul15

dartmaul15 #4 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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1545836
tagged "complete". This is it. Shit's over. The doctor is dead at the hands of ditzy doo.

xDan

xDan #5 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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Come on, man. You have two other moderately good fan fictions you could/should be spending your time on. Why write something overdone?

JumperWarp

JumperWarp #6 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it all began ·

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i must say loving it!

JumperWarp

JumperWarp #7 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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DA FUQ I just read.

Grisaille987

Grisaille987 #8 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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Eugh, too badly written, didn't read.

Iheartanyonebutyou

Iheartanyonebutyou #9 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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The grammar was atrocious. Honestly, I understood next to nothing that you wrote. It could have been a decent story, if the grammar had been better. I suggest finding a good editor, because it could improve the quality of this piece of work immensely. Your style is decent, and your idea was good, if not a bit over done, but the most important (in my opinion) factor of a good piece of writing is correct grammar. I have a close friend who is an amazing editor, so if you want to improve your grammar, send me a message and I will give you his username. Thank you for your time. ~Royal

LightningDust

LightningDust #10 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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What DAFUQ just happened!

Okay, lets start from the beginning,
-The characters were all over the place, seemingly changing their entire structure to fit a situation. The story began to make less sense as we go on. When I reached the half way point of chapter 2 I skipped the end. It was just so unorganized and messy.

-The grammar needs to be touched up on. Seriously, I couldn't go two lines without an error smacking me in the face. I would normally go through and locate them all but there is an awful lot (and I'm at school and should be studying).

-I like where the plot started off well, it was rushed but you still had the beginnings of a good fic. As it turns out, the entire plot felt to rushed and the contence was lacking in detail and actual depth.

I cant say much more. For a Doctor Whooves / Derpy fic, it was a disappointment. I voted up out of pity.

L4R63N7

L4R63N7 #11 · Nov 1st, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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I can't help but notice that much of what Derpy says in this chapter come straight out of Eminem's song "Kim".
I don't know if this was intentional or not, but I really couldn't get into it, I just kept hearing Eminem's voice.
A pony killing their spouse for taking their child is an interesting idea, but I Really don't see Derpy being crazy enough to kill anyone.
The Grammar needs a lot of work too. I'm not going to say it was a bad story, but it does need work.

Slateblu1

Slateblu1 #12 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · · · How it all began ·

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This story has potential. The idea is good, and you have a good story here.

However, the grammar is, quite frankly, horrible. This is full of run on sentences, lack of punctuation and capitalization. You switch between present and past tense every line or so, sometimes in the middle of a sentence. This needs a once over from a good editor.

On top of that, you need more descriptions. This feels very dry and bland, just a recounting of events. describe things with detail, from places to actions. Also, find different words than "said". Introduce some variety into your diction and this can be a wonderful story.

Right now I would rate this at best a 2/10. Make edits, vary the diction, and describe things and you can easily reach a 9.

mineturtle

mineturtle #13 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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So yeah guess I could check it and proof read.

mineturtle

mineturtle #14 · Nov 2nd, 2012 · · · How it will end ·

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To the people who think this is incomplete you're half right I only wanted to finish this because I felt like it I was Going to make a second part and also sorry for mistakes I'm not the kind of person who checks what he wrote I just put what comes out.

mineturtle