Meanwhile, Pinkie Was an Airman
The small room was fairly drab and Pinkie thought it was kind of a ho-hum place to wake up. She was clad in a boring undershirt and the bed sheets weren’t pretty colors or anything. After these observations, however, she came to the logical question of where she was.
There was a knock on the door.
“Come in!” Pinkie called brightly.
A man opened the door. He wore blue uniform trousers and jacket with silver accents. He looked at Pinkie and said, “Captain Pyle, it’s time to go.”
“Okie dokie loki,” Pinkie exclaimed, jumping out of bed. “Where are we going?”
The man stared at her and then quickly advanced into the room. He reached into the trash can and pulled out an empty bottle. Tied around the neck with a piece of string was a small tag that read A gift for you.
“Who gave you this?” he demanded, shaking the bottle at her. The label read Killian’s.
Pinkie shrugged. “No idea. I just got here. Why, what is it? Is it some super cool beverage?”
The man shook his head. “We’re going to have to call your – I mean, Captain Pyle’s court appearance off. It’s pretty clear that isn’t you.”
“You’re right! I’m Pinkie Pie! What’s your name?” She bounded over to him, rearing up to get eye-to-eye.
The man took a step backwards. “I’m Major Adams. I’m your attorney.”
“Oh, that’s cool! But why would I need a lawyer?” Pinkie rubbed her chin in deep thought. “Is it…because of a contract negotiation for the world’s most law-abiding party?”
Adams shook his head. “It’s because-”
“No, hang on, I got this,” Pinkie interrupted him. “Is it because somepony was complaining that my parties are too loud and awesome because they’re a total spoilsport and wanted to take a nap instead of coming to have fun?”
“No. The Air Force is-”
“Is it because I’m being accused of handing some really expensive and important technology over to enemies of the state?”
Adams blinked. “Uh, yes, actually. But we can’t do that now, because clearly you aren’t of sound mind.”
“Well, a sound mind would just be silly. I mean, your brain can’t just be an incorporeal mass of volume and noise and auditory signals, because how would you think?”
“Regardless, I have to go explain why my defendant can’t appear in court today.” Adams shook his head. “They called this special session just for this case. Everyone is going to be so angry that we – that I – wasted their time by calling court so close to Thanksgiving.”
“But give thanks!” Pinkie said, wrapping a hoof around his shoulders. “I can totally appear in court today. I just have to pretend to be Captain Pyle, right? What do I have to do? Is Pyle some kind of pilot or something?”
“You’re not going,” Adams stated flatly. He shook her off and went out the door, closing it behind him. Turning to walk away, he came face to face with Pinkie, who was decked out in her own Air Force uniform.
She adjusted her tie and slipped on a pair of aviators. “Let’s do this!”
“How did you…” Adams shook his head. “Look, you can’t go. Not only aren’t you Pyle, but appearing in court as such could have serious negative consequences to this case.”
“So I’ll go as myself, explain the situation, and ask them nicely not to be mean to Pyle when he gets back.”
Adams narrowed his eyes. “You’re not going to try to fool an entire Judge Advocate General courtroom?”
“Nope!”
“You’re not trying to harm Captain Pyle’s case or reputation?”
“Not even a little!”
“No funny business?”
“The military is full of unfunny people doing unfunny things.”
“That wasn’t a ‘no.’”
Pinkie grinned impossibly wide. “Don’t worry. I got your back, Jack.”
“How did you know my name was…?” Adams shook his head. “Let’s go, and please don’t talk on the way.”
While Pinkie was not completely able to contain herself, she and her lawyer arrived at court on time and reasonably ready to go. Adams set his briefcase down on the defense attorney’s desk and rifled through it for important documents. Pinkie sat down beside him and tried to keep a straight face. There were certainly a lot of serious people in the room.
“The court will come to order.”
Adams jerked his head up. “Hang on, you can’t do that.”
The judge gave him a look that was equal parts ‘are you serious’ and ‘who does this guy think he is’. “Major Adams, we’ve had about enough of your stall tactics on previous days, especially since Captain Pyle was starting to be questioned. Which reminds me; Pyle, take the witness stand.”
“Wait!” Adams blurted out. “I need to inform the court that this isn’t Pyle!”
That finally got the judge’s attention. He turned his attention to the pony. She politely cleared her throat. “My name is Pinkie Pie.”
The prosecutor threw up his hands. “Figures. Adams, I thought you made sure there was no alcohol available to the defendant?”
“Yes, Adams,” the judge said acidly. “I thought you were checking for that.”
“Yes sir, I did.” Adams grabbed the empty bottle he had found from inside his briefcase. “I wish the court to know that I found this in the defendant’s room. It was marked as a gift. I believe this means someone is trying to sabotage the case, taking advantage of Pyle’s emotional state. Pyle knew what consuming Killian’s would do, but at this point in the proceedings depression might have built to the point that temporary escape looked like an attractive option.”
“Who do you think could have planted the bottle?” asked the prosecutor.
“Maybe someone related to the UAV Captain Pyle was flying and supposedly handed over to the Chinese.”
All eyes went to the speaker, Pinkie. She shrugged. “What? It’s what it said in Major Adams’ notes.”
“Regardless of where that drone ended up or which borders it crossed to get there, this is going to tie up the case indefinitely.” The judge glowered at Adams. “And I believe that I will be recommending that Captain Pyle get new legal counsel.”
“Objection!” Pinkie shouted, stabbing a hoof at the judge. Once again, all eyes went to her. Adams’ hand went to his face.
“Ms. Pie, was it? I’m going to have to ask you to keep quiet,” the judge ordered, banging his gavel.
“Sorry, I’m not very good at that,” Pinkie informed him cheerfully. “I am pretty good at making everyone happy, though. Who wants a cupcake?”
Amid the judge’s protests, the assembled jurors and witnesses, bored of staring at Pinkie herself, switched their attention to the tray of treats she brandished. None were quite sure where she had gotten them from, but the cupcakes looked real enough and very tasty.
“It does make sense that the Chinese would want to tie this case up. After all, we’re trying to prove that Captain Pyle didn’t willingly fly that drone from Afghanistan to China. If Pyle is innocent, then it certainly makes sense that the Chinese might have hacked the drone’s guidance system or something.” Adams’ voice sounded unsure, but if his ploy didn’t work perhaps the court would forget that he had spoken at all while they were distracted with Pinkie’s antics.
Pinkie chose that exact moment to speak up, adding to Adams’ argument. “And if the Chinese were behind it, they could have also hacked all those other drones that you could have used to go after the lost drone to prevent it from falling into the wrong hands and doing anything harmful to national security. Don’t you have drones stashed all over Afghanistan in case of a drone emergency?”
“That’s it!” Adams cried, diving into his briefcase as the judge again called for order in the court. Speaking over the gavel banging, Adams said, “I have testimony that states other UAV’s in the area were reporting problems at the same time. This could be related and I move that it be examined as evidence.”
“I bet the Chinese done it,” Pinkie proclaimed.
“Did it,” corrected Adams.
“Did-done-doed it.” Pinkie nodded.
The court recorder paused for a moment to figure out how to phrase that and continued typing.
“Anything else before I unceremoniously throw out all of this out?” muttered the judge, having given up on reclaiming order in the court.
The prosecutor and defense attorney glanced at each other before focusing their attention back on Pinkie.
She looked at the two of them innocently. “So…when do we start retaliatory bombing?”
“Five minutes,” said Twilight, standing over Pinkie as she woke up in the basement of the library. “You were only asleep for five minutes, Pinkie.”
“Did you learn anything new that we can correlate with the data we already have?” Rainbow asked.
“I’ve already analyzed everything we’ve collected to death,” put in Applejack. “We need something fresh.”
“Oh, I’ve got lots of stuff!” Pinkie exclaimed.
“Hell yeah!” Rarity pumped a hoof. Everypony looked at her. She ducked her head. “I swear we had better get this problem figured out soon, or I’ll-”
“Choke a bitch?” Pinkie provided.
There was an uncomfortable silence. Twilight asked, “Do you mean like autoerotic asphyxiation, or-”
“No, I mean murder and bloodshed,” Pinkie provided. She grinned. “Of course, a simple choke wouldn’t do that in huge amounts. You’d need knives and swords, guns and cannons, rocket launchers and artillery, huge giant machines of war and nuclear death devices.”
“How long have you been having these thoughts?” Rainbow asked, poised to write the answer on the nearby chalkboard.
“Hmm.” Pinkie’s nose scrunched in thought. “Last week, I think. Oh yeah, it was totally last week. I remember that I played that cool new videogame on my computer, GTAV.”
“Don’t you mean GT AV, that one about killing everyone and stealing their audio-visual equipment?” Applejack asked. “I heard that it’s really violent.”
“Oh yeah, it is.” Pinkie nodded.
“Where did you get the money?” Rainbow questioned.
“Well, you don’t need to pay for stuff if you steal it,” Pinkie pointed out. “The game taught me that. Well, after I stole it online from that one suspicious website, but I’m sure that’s not related.”
But it was. Working together, the group of friends crunched the numbers and put data together. With Pinkie’s new eyewitness account added into the mix, all the information was processed and a startling conclusion was reached.
They all stood around the chalkboard looking at the answer. It was terrible. It was horrible. It was completely unthinkable, but the facts did not lie.
“I don’t believe this,” Twilight whispered. “The Chinese have hacked Equestria.”
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I just stumbled upon this.
I am very glad I did.
damn i knew it was the Chinese i knew it
wat
Damn Chinese. Always ruining things for everyone.
Shhhhhiiiiiate
Hilarious. I'm not exactly sure how you can hack into a land of colorful equines, but hilarious all the same.
Good job, as always!
Am I the only one to think that Pinkie seems to getting off with the insanity defense is hilarious?
3515455
That's racist... :(
I'm Chinese and I don't ruin anything.
Nah screw it, I'm tired of playing Company Of Heroes with Chinese people. Everytime I see a QQ number I kick them because there's a surprisingly high 99,9% chance of him lagging the game from the start. And then there's a 0,01% chance that he's got a decent connection and lag the game 20 seconds later.
THAT LAST LINE. YOU SIR HAVE NOW OUT PINKIE'D PINKIE PIE
Volunteer for the Marines... lose your soul... I learned that on the first day of Boot Camp.
Pft, that ending. And I can't wait to see what Fluttershy is. I can't be the only one wanting to see that she's a drill Sargent.
Good luck getting shot, Twilight.
You're gonna find out real quick how you should've volunteered for the Navy, instead.
I'm more wondering why the Chinese would hack Equestria ... but this was hilarious. Can't wait to see what Flutters is. Corpsman perhaps?
So, they going to start making the cheap knock-off?
L. M. F. A. O.
wac.450f.edgecastcdn.net/80450F/thefw.com/files/2013/06/Minion-Meme.png
How in the name of FU- *punches self in head* How on earth could the chinese hack equestria?! did they hack hasbro?! well, actually, hasbro isn't that hard to hack. I've done it multiple ti- oh crap. I hate my big mouth.
Anyway... you, sir, have my like.
Also, I caught that abbreviation. GT AV = Grand Theft Audio-Visual XD
Hmmm. Fluttershy in charge of a missile base, maybe? Or at least has her hands on the keys...
Well that was an interesting chapter. The damned Chinese have taken a US drone? I wonder what they plan to do with it. It sure is a good thing Pinkie was there to maybe save Pyle's ass.
Oh hey, they arrived at a conclusion? I wonder what this is going to be! It sure is exciting, must be some sort of highly sophisticated and drawn out explanation-- wait, what the fuck? The Chinese hacked Equestria? Did I read that right?
What sort of analysis are these ponies performing? Sure as hell ain't one we've ever used here on Earth. "There's freaky shit going on! It must be someone hacking our fucking world."
i.imgur.com/WG4yPjN.gif
Dun-dun-DUN!!!
...
...
...
The Chinese have hacked Equestria.
How... is that even POSSIBLE?
Damned Chinese, they always find a way to hack everything!
3516992 Discord sold them out.
Not the Chinese!
3517357 Of course. I mean, he isn't the god of chaos for nothing. And that ending was certainly chaos.
And then Fallout happened.
...Wait, WHAT? !
On another note, I can't wait to see what Fluttershy is. Probably something completely opposite of her personality. Our a military doctor.
Why is everyone so surprised, it's the Chinese, they can hack anything.
not sure about America, but when i was robbed last year, thats how the guy spoke.
"The Chinese have hacked Equestria!"
Wat.
This story is now going to the best places. The very best places.
Proceed, good sir.
HA!
Mind = blown
Dammit China! Stop breaking reality!
dabuq did i just read
Nuuuuuuuuuuuuu! Chinese, wat r you doing! STAHP! Those are our pones! Don't make shitty knockoffs that look and act like G3.5!
...
I like this Pinkie. At least, the half of me that isn't screaming in abject terror does.
Wait china broke reality? Stahp china! Dx
pinkies antics are hilarious as usual.
Oooh boy. I can't wait to scan this chapter for errors. I'll never let you hear the end of it if I do
...And you didn't mention anything interesting about the U.S. Chair Force. Darn.
Ya, if anything, I thought it would be the NSA. Knowing it's something Americans like, I thought the nerd-herd would be all over it.
pix.echtlustig.com/1308/65-wat.jpg
I was expecting Trixie to pop in at some point
Is no one gonna mention this?