Of Course, Rainbow Was a Coastie
“Sorry about ruining your Labor Day, Dashiell, but we really need you out here.”
Rainbow jerked awake, raising her head from the pillow. A tall creature standing on two legs was staring at her. Several seconds passed as vague memories and half-remembered dreams filtered through her head. She realized that she must be looking at a human, and remembered that it was important to learn about her situation.
Exactly how she had gotten to this bed, and where the bed was located, remained a mystery, but Rainbow decided that if she played it cool and made smart choices she could complete her mission here and bring back valuable material for contributing to the solving the enigma that the Elements of Harmony had found themselves tangled up in.
“Um, hello? You okay?” asked the human when Rainbow still hadn’t answered. Based on his voice, she decided that he was probably male.
Rainbow shook her head. “Sorry, zoned out there for a second. What do you need me for?”
“We’re just about to start for the day. I know you were supposed to have a nice Labor Day leave, and you were out partying last night, but it looks like we need you today. I know it sucks, you didn’t plan for this, and I hope you aren’t hung over.”
“No, I’m good,” Rainbow replied. The man left. She lifted the covers and got out of the bed. She was wearing some sort of blue uniform with the name Dashiell on it.
She heard a faint sound that built into a dull roar with high-pitched undertones. It seemed to be coming from overhead, and outside. A few seconds passed and it faded away. Rainbow frowned. What could have made that kind of noise? It sounded fast.
Rainbow knew that her, or rather Dashiell’s, presence had been requested, but looked around for a few moments to gather more information. A few pictures of strange machines had been taped up and she quickly memorized them in case it turned out to be important information.
Now that she’d had more time to think, memories were coming back. Her friends had been having strange dreams about a mysterious land of people and their military. Apparently, it was Rainbow’s turn.
Once they’d learned what to expect, the ponies had formed a plan to gather intelligence about how to proceed. Rainbow had decided to impersonate her counterpart, in an attempt to go undercover and figure out what was going on. She grinned to herself. This was going to be awesome.
She opened the door and stepped outside, nearly falling into the ocean. Glancing wildly around, Rainbow saw that she was standing on the deck of a boat, tied up to the pier next to the coast.
Rainbow remembered what else had been on her uniform, besides the name tag. Huh, so this must be what “Coast Guard” means.
The noise from the sky came back. Rainbow looked up to see a large contraption with four spinning propellers. It was painted white and orange and flew through the air faster than most pegasi could manage. From the pictures near her bed, Rainbow remembered that it was a C-130 Hercules. The distinctive sound of the turboprops echoed in her ears.
Nearby, a smaller vehicle with one spinning rotor on top, a HH-65 Dolphin, was hovering over the water. People seemed to be jumping out of it and getting winched back up again for practice.
“So…awesome,” Dash managed to say, barely suppressing a squee.
“Hey, Dashiell! Come do this paperwork!”
And that’s when Rainbow realized that this infiltration mission would not be so neat after all.
She slunk across the deck and entered the boat’s office. A few people were doing paperwork with all the enthusiasm that those denied vacation could muster. Dash felt their pain.
The forms turned out to be travel requests for those who had gone somewhere. They were not too difficult to process, and all Rainbow had to do was stamp and date them the way the official publication said.
The manual was fairly straightforward, provided one had a law degree and a personality more boring than average. But it was the book, and the book was always correct. As long as you followed instructions to the letter, no fault could be found with your work. Rainbow requisitioned a pen and set to work.
She kept her eyes moving, hoping that something valuable would pop out. Mostly, it was just an endless chain of paperwork and printed instructions. It was so repetitive that she began to lose track of where one form ended and the others began, yet managed to work out a system that everything kept ticking along perfectly. The manual demanded it.
“Why did I get myself into this,” Rainbow muttered.
“Someone has to,” one of her fellow paper-pushers reminded her. “For every person out there doing cool stuff, the paperwork still has to be filed by someone. Thankless work maybe, but it’s what the government is built on.”
The entire paperwork crew began to sing.
When I was four there was a hurricane in Kingston Town
With a foot and a half of water
Everyone was alright, but I cried all night
It blew my alphabet blocks out of order
And they say
This boy’s born to be a bureaucrat
Born to be all obsessive and snotty
I made my friends and relations fill long applications
To get into my tenth birthday party!
Rainbow pretended to sing along, but had started to sweat with the effort of maintaining her cover. She excused herself and went out the door.
The fresh air was nice, but Rainbow knew she couldn’t dawdle for too long or someone might get suspicious. Still, if she was going to learn anything while on this boat, she would prefer it to be sooner rather than later.
Another door looked promising and Rainbow entered. Inside she found a passageway with a few more doors. One of them had a very fancy looking lock on it. Despite that, it was propped open.
Rainbow pushed it open wider, stepping inside. Someone was already there, sitting in front of a computer. According to his nametag, he was Nelson. “Hey Dashiell. Need a SIPR computer?”
“Sure,” she replied. Of course! If humans had anything like the ponynet, this would be perfect for finding information.
“Okay, just sign in.” Nelson pushed a piece of paper at her. It was a form for recording date, time, and the name of whoever accessed the computers. Rainbow didn’t know Dashiell’s first name but took a gamble and made an illegible scribble. It wasn’t like anyone actually read these forms; they were just regulation paperwork.
Nelson locked the door. “Okay, you're good for secret access.” He went back to whatever he was working on. His computer had a green bar at the top of the screen that read “unclassified.”
Rainbow sat down in front of another computer. This one had a red bar that indicated “secret.” She grinned. This was exactly what she was looking for.
A small sticker on the computer asked her to login with a card. Rainbow began going through her pockets furtively, finding an ID with Dashiell’s name and picture. There was a small chip embedded in it. Sliding the card into the computer produced a screen asking for the password.
Rainbow frowned, looking down at the keyboard. She put one hoof on it and pressed down, resulting in a jumble of scrambled characters.
Pressing enter, however, indicated that it was correct. Rainbow blinked in surprise. Evidently, Dashiell had adopted the instinctive pony way of using a keyboard. Interesting. Also, lucky.
Taking a few minutes to orient herself with both the human-adapted mouse and unfamiliar operating system, Rainbow began clicking through things. There was not much on the computer itself, but after connecting to the network, a search box was displayed on the screen. After thinking for a moment, she typed “ponies.”
A screen of links about the pony transformation program popped up and Rainbow went through them one by one. There was some good information here, but most of it things she already knew, like the existence of magic or flight. There was a list of contact information, but she didn’t click on any of the names. It was quite extensive, and Rainbow wondered how many ponies she knew might have counterparts here.
Deciding what to search next, Rainbow typed “Chinese.” Quite a few more results came up this time. After hunting for a moment, she clicked on an overview. This took her to a page of basic information and news.
Most of the news contained stories about hacking, new military technology, and geopolitical announcements. Rainbow skimmed the articles.
In her poking around, Rainbow had discovered a spreadsheet program on the computer and began making a chart of information she already had and things that she didn’t. It helped organization and Rainbow had to begrudgingly admit that proper procedure got things done.
It would have helped if Rainbow knew more about the type of information that she and her friends needed, but she also knew that she was laying the groundwork for the others to learn more. It might not have been so dazzling, but somepony had to do it.
The door rattled in its frame as someone tried to come in. A heavy knocking sounded. “Rainbow Dash, are you in there?”
Nelson looked up from his desk and glanced at Rainbow. “Wait, you’re the alter ego and didn’t tell anyone? In this secure room?”
He quickly got up and opened the door. A crowd of angry coasties poured in. “She’s not Dashiell! Get her!”
Rainbow stopped them with an outstretched hoof. “You can’t just come in here and conduct a raid on a pony that you suspect may be an imposter. Read your publications and determine the correct procedure.”
It was a gamble, but a good one. No self-respecting member of the military would ever disobey the manual. Live by the book, die by the book.
And then someone realized that was horse pucky and the entire group charged Rainbow.
She snapped awake in a cold sweat. Breathing hard, Rainbow sat up from her bed.
Her friends stood around her in the basement of the library. Twilight checked her clipboard and noted, “The sleeping potion worked as expected. Tell me, Rainbow. Did the vivid dream additive send you to the other world like it was supposed to?”
“It did,” Rainbow answered. She got up. “Do you have your procedures for the experiment?”
Rainbow quietly hoped that Twilight hadn't done anything...strange while she was asleep. Something was definitely off about Twilight's sex drive. In fact, strange incidents had happened to all her friends. Best to get to the bottom of things properly.
“The procedures are right here,” Twilight replied to Rainbow's question, showing a page of written notes. “If the additive worked on you, I think we’re ready to declare it a success.”
“Not yet, you’ll have to file a procedural application with the Food and Drug Administration in Canterlot. They’ll want a typed copy, signed and stamped as original.”
“So what did you see?” asked Applejack, changing the subject.
“I have new information to add,” Rainbow replied. She recounted what she’d experienced while dreaming.
“I hope Dashiell is okay,” Fluttershy whispered.
Rainbow frowned. “There will probably be lengthy court proceedings, but ultimately nothing can be proven. I do feel kinda bad for doing that, though. Dashiell is going to pay the price for what I did.”
It wasn’t like Rainbow never did anything wrong. Just last week she had downloaded a whole bunch of music without paying for it. That was on her, though, not someone whose body she’d temporarily requisitioned.
“Your foreign counterpart’s sacrifice was worth it,” said Rarity. She shook her head, evidentially still fighting whatever mental changes she had been cursed with. “I mean, it is rather sad, but to solve this we need the information you brought back.”
Rainbow nodded and went over to the chalkboards that Applejack had filled with numbers and figures. “This must be organized.”
Applejack waited a beat. “What now?”
“Yes. You’re going to requisition paper to copy this for reference - typed properly, double spaced - and then reformat the outline on the chalkboards to meet a pre-established organizational plan. Said plan will be laid out ahead of time by a panel of voters and subject matter experts. Refer to the nonfiction section of the library for required definitions.”
“I have this blank chalkboard right here that we can just add what you learned,” said Applejack flatly. “That’s a lot easier and faster.”
Rainbow got in her face. “Do you want it done easy, or do you want it done right?”
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Oh paperwork, how I loathe thee.
Edit: Now we have either Pinkie or Flutters to look forward to. Dis gunna be good.
Hehehe, muy bueno.
I can't fave your story enough, Totally.
The Coast Guard? My favorite branch! Thank you for actually mentioning the Coast Guard. A lot of people would have written it off.
Good chapter
Although, just to be cruel, I'd have made her a load master on a C5!
I wonder if Hasbro is mad at the military for copyright infringement.
Oooh.... are their personalities merging with their alternates?
Huh, RD got a desk job and didn't immediately go stir crazy. Impressive.
Three branches left to choose from (assuming you don't revisit a branch.) I wonder what happens next.
...Why do I get the feeling either Fluttershy and/or Pinkie Pie are gonna get the most intense/stressful roles out of the Six.
PJ in training Fluttershy anyone? No? Ok.
Surgeon Pinkie?
'Kay fine I'll stop.
3143155
Three? Are we including the NOAA and USPHS Commissioned Corps?
3143176 3143176 Oops, I meant two, the Air Force and the
Navy(forgot Applejack, derp),I'm not very knowledgeable. I'll go back to my corner and hide.:ajsleepy
Edit: After trying time and time again to try to edit this and failing constantly, I think I'll go silent forever and ever.
3143176 I love that you know who they are.
Seriously, I <3 NOAA
Like, a lot
3143188 It's funny because there are three other services though.
3143251
Oh. Show's how much I know and why this bumbling idiot (me) should not touch a keyboard this late. Oh well, now I know.
Night.
3143269
sickweather.com/images//thebattle.png
I'm sure Rainbow Dash would approve of this configuration.
Is Dash slowly tranforming into her counterpart?!
This...This is awesome. You get a
. and now i wait like a sniper for next update
WHAT!? She's not in the Airforce!!
Noooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!
3143191
Three words:
Drill Sergeant Fluttershy
3143006 Agreed.
If pattern holds then Flutters is definitely going to the Air Force. That is a gimme ...
but what about Pinkie? I bet she is a spook ... CIA, Black Ops, one of the alphabet soup government agencies that created the project ...
un funny people doing un funny things.
3144275 Hmmmm.... I would have to agree with you. I also have a thought on one or two other ponies. A royal guard in the secret service, and Celestia is the president.
awwww. i was hopeing rd was gonnna be a fighter jocky.
oh well. still a funny story.
3144215 My friend just went through Basic. He was telling me stories of his DS, and they were hilarious.
3144275 naw. Pinkie being EOD would be perfect, because you have to be slightly crazy to do that! Fluttershy should do something totally opposite of her presonality, like Drill Sergent for the SEAL's.
I guess that they all watch Futurama!
troll.me/images/compliment-bender/well-done-good-sir.jpg
omg Fluttershy as a DI
3145044
SEAL's are Navy and AJ already has Navy.
The only one of the big 5 left is Air Force and the lack of flying ability makes me think Flutters for this one.
Pinkie ... I do not know what job would be least funny ... spook? or maby DOJ Lawyer?
i do not know enough of non navy jobs to guess
3145044 Drill Sergeant Fluttershy. That would be HILARIOUS.
Of course, until she hits you with the Stare.
Rainbow + paperwork? Ha! I approve good sir!
OK, so who else would be good as an astronaut? Hmm, the only ones left are Pinkie and Flutters. Ooh, Fluttershy is scared of heights! That could be entertaining! Do you plan on doing side characters too? Couldn't really put Spike up there, since, you know, fire. Luna maybe? She probably wouldn't appreciate the view very much. Millennium on the moon and all. Scoots would probably react much the way I imagine RD would. Depending on how you interpret Applebloom's character, she might love the engineering aspects of it. Not sure how Sweetie, Cadance, Shining or Celly would react. Hey, maybe this could be enough to humble the G&PT! Maybe. Probably not. So many possibilities!
...no one's going to space, are they?
3152932 I hadn't planned on it, no. Why would they? The Chinese aren't there.
That's right. We own space, bitches.
Derpy manning the Minuteman ICBM Arsenal
Lyra as a medic
Big Mac as an intelligence analyst
Wonderbolts as Army Truck Drivers
Fancy Pants as CIA operative
They are masters of their craft; The owners of warfare.
3177036 I can see so many things amazing about Derpy being in the proximity of an ICBM launch facility...so many buttons to accidentally press and Derpy probably would find a way to have both keys turn accidentally while simultaneously faceplanting on a keyboard inputting target coordinates for Beijing xD
LMAO good luck guessing Dash's password, bucking SIPR man.
3146019 Pinkie as a DOJ Lawyer? Not quite, but in a few days, I will release a chapter involving Pinkie and lawyers.
3177036 and Cloud Kicker as the barracks bicycle?
3143670 Yeah, that's what they're all doing, didn't you notice?
my brother is a Lieutenant Commander in the Coast Guard. he pilots a C-130 and used to pilot a Dolphin. Hes stationed in Clearwater which is a couple miles from where I live so I get to see him alot