Awakened from a long dream a rather odd stallion makes his return to a very different Equestria. It doesn't help that his imagination had a much better idea as to how his home should be.
Just a collection of random ideas/joke i get while reading others works. Thought I might try my hand(or hoof if you prefer) at one..so yes it is a first fanfic attempt. So i'll just throw this thing out to the wolves..if it gets enough attention I can easily continue. I'll amend character lists as I need if it is continued.
Chapters (1)
Finding this an interesting start and wouldn't mind reading more.
The only issue right now, other than a very few typos, is that your writing has 2 main problems.
1: you write your action in a very stop/start way. What is happening tends to come to a ful descriptive halt while an aside, thought or extra detail is provides. These types of things need to more smoothly integrate with what's going on. I can't easily provide examples right now on my phone, but maybe when I get home.
2: you over elaborate on things, diluting the descriptive impact and ruining most of your jokes. Like the "Rock" joke. That was funny, but putting a throwback to it in the very next line when he hits it totally kills the humor.
Don't try to hold the reader's hand, just tell your story.
1604602 Hey at least it some feedback..yeah I had a idea that while my writing style makes sense to me I have a very bad habit of jumping around..even in person. Or rather i'm very easily to get going off on odd tangents and thoughs