I`m Russian, I`m female, I`m blunter then a bag of hammers and I write pony staff occassionally. That`s about it.
Years ago, Vinyl Scratch abandoned her aspirations as a DJ in favor of starting a recording label. Now, Scratched Records dominate Equestrian market.
Octavia is the star of the label - the undisputed number one. Her music is now known and loved all across the Equestria.
It`s never been a secret that Vinyl Scratch loves Octavia. Unfortunately... Octavia does not share that sentiment.
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COOL!! :D
also the idiots that downvote this story downvoted because it's vinyl x octavia
1487812
Eh, let the people have cake. I`ve downvoted plenty a story here. Everyone`s entitled to their opinions.
Would benefit a lot from a style overhaul and maybe a little from more introspectiveness on Vinyl's side (and Octavia's as well, I guess). New sentences by new characters go in separate paragraphs, Cytotoxin.
I liked this story. It was enjoyable to read and had a good concept but it was a bit hard to read due to the formatting. For one, the characters and their dialogue should be placed together in their own paragraphs. Your grammar's pretty good but you should try not to use so many hyphens. They're not a replacement for commas, you know.
1488008
Not my style. Tried it, found out I hated writing like that.
As for introspection... I kind of meant the reader to draw their own conclusions.
1488043 I see... and I respect that. Well, you should try to make some of the lines being spoken a little clearer to the reader. 95% of them were fine, but there were some that made me stop and scroll back to see who was talking. Nothing too difficult, though. It's just that this particular style (also present in my own country, but abhorred in the English language) is something that your average-day reader is comfortable with.
And as for the reader taking its own conclusions: Well, they will do that either way, because the story has some sort of closure. When I mentioned it, my intent was to help with this story's pathos, gripping the reader's attention. Make us feel their emotions better. Conclusions will still be drawn by those who want to think about it. You'd just help them by painting a more vivid portrait.
1488042
That`s my russian shining through. It`s not that I try to replace commas... More of, that I find english sentences lacking commas in places where I feel they are needed. I imagine that colors my writing quite a lot.
1488077
Me and pathos are not on good terms, I`m afraid. This is pretty much my experiment into writing sadfics. I`ll see what can be done about expressing things better, but it is my opinion that tragedy must be sublime. Spelling it out cheapens the feeling.
1488163 I agree with you that spelling it out cheapens the feeling. Even though I've been told otherwise by ""excellent"" writers on this site.
I'll give you my way of doing it, maybe it can help you on a next experiment? Okay, so instead of going for the literal, spelling it out sentence, I sometimes go for a physical description of what the character is going through. But doing so may cause the text to become purple, so I only do it on the key parts of the story.
For example:
I'm not saying your text looks like the former. But I would love it even more if it could look like the latter.
1488281
Ok, see, right there. It`s not the kind of feeling I was going for. None at all.
What you`re presenting here is fresh. Raw. I could picture Vinyl doing that after being rejected the first time.
But this is not what I`m trying to present here. It`s been years since then. And the twisting and burning emotions had dulled down, since then. Became just a cold ache on the back of mind, something you just put up with, like an old injury that flares up each time it rains.
1488420 I know, I know. I wasn't making it with your story's words. I just took a random "Octavia rejects Vinyl" scenario because it was related with this story. Y'know, just to exemplify.
1488428
It still does not portray what I wanted to show, you see.
Your example shows the burst of emotions. The fresh disappointment that just... bowls you over. I can do something like that. I`m no stranger to purple prose myself.
But that`s not what I wanted to show here. I wanted to show a feeling so old it became blunted. When all the embers died down and stars showed up over the ashes. When the words are spoken in almost boredom - because whatever fire was there shimmered out long ago, leaving them numb to everything. There is no deeper introspection because neither of them wants to introspect anymore.
1488534 Then I applaud you for succeeding so deeply that even I wasn't aware of it.
1488624
I hardly succeeded if you didn`t catch it, now did I?
Deep should not mean incomprehensible. Hm.
But I am not sure just how one would describe dullness. It`s rather indescript of a concept.
1488695 Exactly. The text was kind of dull. Meaning that you've achieved it. Your long-term followers will probably notice the sudden shift in this story. They ought to get it. But me? A sporadic visitor? Hardly.
1488812
Bah. Well, chalk it up as lukewarm success, then.
I sought to pen the story that would impress the dullness on the reader. The feeling of old woulds that don`t even hurt as much as are.. just there.
Guess I should experiment with genre more, get a feel for it.