The Orbs of Destiny

by FlareBolt

Sword and Home

Chapter 8: Sword and Home (Conclusion)

"Well, that was quite the adventure, lets get back to Canterlot, shall we?" Flare Chaser asked.
"Probably a good idea, we probably have scared our families to death by now." Solar replied.
"Wait, before we do, we need to do the ritual, I remember reading it in the book, it is how we can discover our destinies." he said as he ran to the abandoned house as Solar followed. They began rereading the ritual, they made a triangle around Flare Chaser and then Solar use her magic to create a spark. The orbs began to whirl around, then they stopped in mid-air, surrounding Flare Chaser. They then shot a beam into him, making him scream in pain.
"Flare Chaser!" she shouted as the orbs disappeared.
"Did...did it work...?" she asked with worry in her eyes.
"Yeah, I think... I also feel something..." he said as he turned to his flank to see the sword.
"You got your cutie mark! Finally!" she said with excitement.
"Yeah yeah, lets get home now." he said as they headed for the train station.
The two ponies got off the train, Flare Chaser felt exahustion, by the looks of it, so did Solar Spark.
"Well, this is it... where we split up..." Solar Spark said with a sad voice.
"Indubitably, I suppose I'll see you in detention then?" Flare Chaser said as Solar laughed a bit.
"Yeah, I guess, well, see you later!" she said, walking off.
*Before I get home... what did that thing do to me? Lets see...* he thought and started to concentrate then there was a flash of light. He began to see everything that has happened in the last twenty four hours, he also saw better ways he could have done things. His vision came back to reality, he was on a street in Canterlot.
*Interesting... It allows me to clearly remember the smallest of detail and use it to my advantage in the future, also I can see better ways of doing things... This will indeed be useful.* he thought getting home. His parents started to yell at him, telling him how worried they were, after a while, they stopped and went to bed, as did Flare Chaser.

Comments

[asmcint]

Alright, review time. Step away from the tracks, because here comes an early train!

Okay, to put it bluntly... You really need to work on this. Your grammar and formatting are excellent, I have no qualms in that area. But you're trying to make an epic adventure, and it only has 4,606 words. As such, everything's in a rush, and very little is explained. While this story has potential, you don't even bother to set up backstory for your OCs, and the dialogue is far too mechanical. Combine that with a severe lack of adjectives and pony creator cover art and you have a train wreck waiting to happen. While this is pretty decent for your first fic, it needs a lot of work. Give me a subject and enough inspiration and I could write out a one-shot with as many words as you've put into an eight-chapter adventure. You just need more detail in your characters, your dialogue, and your environments. Otherwise you will continue to receive more downvotes than the one I have given.

TWE's Advising Artillery
asmcint

i.imgur.com/3lZia.png?1

[FlareBolt]

1487215
Thanks! I will use this to improve upon my writing.