Don't Fall Asleep

The morning after Nightmare Night, ponies around town are acting strangely.
Will Rainbow Dash find out what's going on in time? Can she stop it? ...or is it all outside of her control?

Tags: [Rainbow Dash], [Suspense/Horror]

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 10 )

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wildberk

wildberk #1 · Oct 24th, 2012 · 1 · ·

interesting story there mate

Scribblestick

Scribblestick #2 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

I liked it. I thought you did a good job of building the suspense. The ending fell a little flat for me, though. I think it would be stronger and creepier if we never knew what happened, and aliens seems like kind of a cheap cop-out.

Also, a lot of your diction (clandestine effluence, deigned, errant sneeze, purlieus, bucolic splendour) is too high for Rainbow Dash, and since we see this from her perspective, I think the narrative voice should more closely match hers.

Overall, great story though. Good luck in the contest!

Arkenai

Arkenai #3 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

It was the aliens!

That was rather interesting. And yeah, that was quite some vocabulary. Thumbs up!

Damination

Damination #4 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

1498155
Heh, yeah, figured that ending would be a bit controversial...
I agree that it's a stretch, and certainly not the best 'quality' choice, but I wanted a positive ending, kinda in line with (my opinion of) the spirit of Halloween. So...
Thanks for the comment!

1498749
Thumbs up!

Arkenai

Arkenai #5 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

1498943

I agree with the ScribbleStick - The ending did indeed fall flat. It's easier to make things have an impact though when the ending is negative though, even if that kind of ending is overdone. You've done something pretty snazzy indeed here though. I'm not sure what you could have done to make the positive ending less 'flat' but it's a quality fic even so. And I couldn't find stuff to Nazi which is actually a good thing .

Damination

Damination #6 · Oct 24th, 2012 · · ·

1498973

Des92

Des92 #7 · Oct 25th, 2012 · · ·

I think I will be unoriginal. Great story, flat ending. Definitely worth a read and deserving more views.
Critique-well, happy ending. I myself enjoy those, we have enough depressing stuff in our lives as it is. But this story simply cannot end well.
Something less obvious-ironically enough, panacea-kind of spell used to fix all. Frankly, I was expecting some kind of chemistry. Yeah, less efficient, more tedious, overall worse than magic. But more realistic and sensible, especially considering nature of this disease.
At one point of story (sorry, read it yesterday, can't remember where exactly) you used exclamation mark in narrative lines. If you want to draw attention/emotions/dramatic gaps from the audience, the last thing to do is using exclamation.
Overall-extremely enjoyable read that kept me interested throughout entire story with good vocabulary that doesn't get too complex, something I am sure any non-native reader appreciates.

Damination

Damination #8 · Oct 26th, 2012 · · ·

1503267
Wow, thanks for the comment!
I really appreciate the criticism , and the compliment ... 'extremely enjoyable read' totally made my day, and should keep me writing for a while to come^^
And yeah, views--views are hard to get

Edit: And huh, you're right about the exclamation marks in narration... there were two instances, fixed both--and it reads a lot better for it. Thanks!

Thresha8