• Published 22nd Oct 2012
  • 17,384 Views, 715 Comments

The Nightmare Before Nightmare Night - Silent Bob



A slight parody of a Nightmare Before Christmas

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Helter Skelter

Now that their own journey had come to an end,
It was time for the crusaders to make amends.
Unfortunately, it was too late before I learned the solemn truth,
That you should never turn your back on a total douche.

As the crusaders and company passed through the Everlost forest, an even darker version of Everdead that lie north of it, Blackblood stopped once again to peer up into a tree. There sat a black crow, its eyes set aglow, and to it he whispered:

"Mali, per occultus nuntius missus ad cohortem. Helterus skelterus."

"Hey! What are you doing?" Rotten asked, raising a suspicious eyebrow as she hovered next to Blackblood, her hooves on her hips.

The black prince gave an indignant huff. "I'm sending messages to my political allies. I have important business to attend to besides babysitting you three brats, you know."

The ghost gave a huff. "Blah blah blah, I'm a douche, blah blah blah," she muttered to herself, hovering away from him.

"So, Twilight..." Scootaweb said, trotting besides her. "We saw the other side a little bit... but that was at night. Is it true they keep the sun up almost all day?"

"Mmhmm," Twilight smiled, apparently not harboring any sort of arachnophobia. "Though it depends on the season."

"Woah..." Scootaweb said.

"That's so weird!" Apple Doom added.

"Well, without the sun there couldn't be any crops or plant life," Twilight explained, before cocking an eyebrow. "How in the world do you do it here? All I've seen is the moon up."

At that, the three crusaders glanced towards each other curiously, pondering the question, before turning back to Twilight, shrugging, and saying, "eh, magic."

"Ah," Twilight said, chuckling.

Another moment of silence passed before Apple Doom spoke up. "Say, Twilight... since you're from the other side and all and probably the best to judge..." She then gave a wide grin. "Can you tell me how good my roar sounds?"

"Sure," Twilight said, quite bemused at this. She honestly thought that Apple Doom was almost as adorable as Apple Bloom, her wolf-like features making her look almost like a cub. In fact, now that she wasn't put in mortal danger by the three, she had to admit that they were all cute in their own way, even the spider Scootaweb. With that in mind, how in the world Apple Doom’s roar supposed to be-

"RAWWWWWWWWWWWRRRR!.!.!.!" the werewolf screeched, nearly petrifying Twilight as the lycan’s eyes glowed a bright red for a brief second, her voice becoming unnaturally distorted.

Noticing what she had did, Apple Doon simpered slightly. "Er, did I go too far?"

Shivering, and taking a moment to compose herself, Twilight eventually stuttered out, "N-No, it was fine... uh... t-ten out of five."

"Yay!" Apple Doom beamed. "Wait until I tell our Twilight I just scared the Element of Magic!"

"Hmph," Blackblood's many mouths grunted. "You call that a scare?"

"Hey, not all of us have the benefit of looking like something that crawled out of Null Space," Scootaweb grunted. "Oh wait..."

"Speaking of which," Twilight said, nervously turning to face him. "I-If you don't mind talking about it, you've sort of peaked my curiosity."

He quirked an eyebrow, before lowering it. "You want to know about Null Space," he sighed. "Very well... ask your questions."

"I just want to know... what is it exactly? I heard something about R'lyeh. Can you tell me anything else?"

The many eyes of Blackblood narrowed. "All you need to know is that it's filled with unappreciative troglodytes who don't know majesty when they see it."

"Ah," Twilight said, before whispering towards Apple Doom, "guess I'm not going to find anything out, am I?"

The young lycan shook her head with a slight smirk. "Anyway," she then said, smiling slightly. "Know any good songs from your side of the gates?"

The mortal mare raised an eyebrow. "I thought you only liked songs that were scary."

"Yeah well... you're not the only one who's curious," she grumbled.

"Yeah, come on! Let's learn something to pass the time with," Rotten grinned.

Twilight chuckled slightly. "Well I might know a good one, a very famous one, and one somewhat appropriate for the situation. It goes something like this:"

She then took a deep breath, before starting with:

"One pill makes you larger,

And one pill makes you small,

And the ones that mother gives you,

Don't do anything at all,

Go ask Alice,

When she’s ten feet tall!"

"Hey! I know this one! Vinyl tried it out last year but it was rejected for actually being good," Scootaweb grinned.

With that, Blackblood gave a chuckle before singing:

"When logic and proportion,

Have fallen sloppy dead,

And the white knight is talking backwards,

And the Red Queen's 'Off with her head!'

Remember what the dormouse said,

Feed your head!

Feed your head!"

The entire group stared at him wide-eyed as he finished.

"What?" he grunted. "A dignitary can't appreciate decent music?"

"Shades of gray," Twilight chuckled. "It's always shades of gray..."

"That they are, Twilight Sparkle!" a wicked, bombastic voice called out from the woodlands, a voice that rang through Twilight's mind, taking her back to over two years ago.

"W-Who's that?!" Scootaweb whispered.

"I'm not sure," Blackblood said nervously.

Twilight, however, narrowed her eyes. "I think I know..."

At that, a very familiar figure stepped out of the woods, her wearing a gray, witch's cloak complete with a pointy hat. It was almost a rhyme to her counterpart's outfit, The Great and Powerful Trixie.

"And with that in mind, The Great and Powerful Wicked Witch of the West would like to give you one chance to surrender peacefully so she may claim what is rightfully hers!"

"Trixie," Twilight growled, her eyes narrowing.

"Witch of the West, not Trixie!" she said, stamping a hoof.

"Whatever," Twilight sighed. "I'm not going anywhere with you. I just want to get back home and take a nice bubble bath..."

At that, she gave a slight laugh. "Hah! I'm afraid you won't have much of a choice," she said, grinning wickedly while glaring at Twilight with spite. She then brought a hoof to her mouth before whistling loudly.

The quintet huddled closely together after it, listening for whatever might be coming. Eventually, the clitter-clatter of bony hooves perked their ears, it growing closer and closer. The three crusaders knelt down into a combat pose, Twilight glancing at the woods apprehensively. Finally, stepping out of the treeline and into the clearing came a small skeletal pony army, all equipped with various medieval weapons, sharpened and glistening. Upon them they wore tattered armor, the same that seemed to have unsuccessfully protected them in some ancient battle long ago.

"Undead!" Rotten cried, before realizing her friends were giving her looks. "The not-so-cute kind," she simpered.

"So, Twilight Sparkless," 'Trixie' said smugly. "What's it going to be? I pulled these boys out the ground at the site of the Battle of the Eastern Hills, and though they may have failed there, I assure you they won't be doing the same thing twice."

With three tiny growls, the crusaders formed a tri-force formation around Twilight, confident smiles coming on their faces.

"Go back to your great and powerful home, witch!" Scootaweb growled, her mandibles clicking fiercely.

"Yeah! You're not laying a hoof on her!”

"Girls!" Twilight cried. "I can't ask you to fight for me... you'll end up getting hurt!"

"Yes... not fighting would be nice," Blackblood said desperately. "You should probably just surrender. She'll let the rest of us go!"

"Oh, just shut up," Apple Doom growled, before turning back towards Twilight. "We can totally take these guys."

"Yeah!" Scootaweb said. "Rainbow says killing undead is easy. You just gotta go for their heads and watch that you aren't surrounded."

"Hmph," The Wicked Witch said, her smug smirk coming back upon her. "You'll soon find that the undead of The Great and Powerful Witch of the West are much more of a challenge than those used in sporting events!" She then turned towards a certain group of the creatures, them forming a straight line about thirty meters from Twilight. "Archers, take aim to wound!"

The firing line gave curt nods before lifting bows, each with sharpened arrows whose tips glistened off the moonlight.

"She's definitely not messing around!" Blackblood cried. "And I don't feel like picking arrows out of me later!"

"Then run and hide, you friggin' sissy!" Scootaweb growled. "Some escort you're turning out to be."

"It isn't like a gentleman to get his hooves dirty," he said indignantly. “That’s more of a thing for… lesser beings to handle for him.”

The spider gave a sarcastic laugh. "By the night! I'd wrap your mouths up with web if you didn't have so many!"

Blackblood's eyes widened in fury. "You wouldn't dare!"

"Save it for the skeletons, girls," Twilight said, before wincing slightly. "Actually, no. Scratch that." At that, she shook her head. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but Prince Blackblood is right," she sighed. "Go, get out of here. She wants me and me alone."

"Quit stalling! Either fight or back down, but don't waste my time!" 'Trixie' shouted. "You have thirty seconds to comply. But if you don’t, my arrows will blot out the moon!"

Twilight took a deep, shattered breath at that. "Look, you girls are friends with Death herself, right?"

The trio gave nods.

"Twenty seconds..."

"Then surely she'll be able to mount a rescue for me, won't she?"

"She's not all powerful, though!" Rotten argued. "And who knows where the wicked witch will take you!"

"Ten seconds..."

"I don't care!" Twilight argued. "I'm not going to put your lives in jeopardy for my sake!"

"Hello!?" Rotten cried, waving at her noncorporeal form with exaggeration. "Arrows can't do anything against me!"

"But Trixie could!” Twilight said, before wincing slightly. “Witchie, whatever her name is! Just go!"

"Let arrows FLY!.!.!" The Great and Powerful Witchie roared.

The group gasped as the archers released their volley. Thirty arrows whizzed through the air, Twilight narrowing her eyes and preparing a spell mentally.

“Eep! I don’t want to fight in the shade!” Scootaweb wimpered, closing her eyes.

However, they never hit a soul. For as soon as Scootaweb opened her eyes she found herself surrounded by a purple bubble shield, as well as thirty or so shattered arrows.

"Trust me girls," the Element of Magic winked, not even breaking a sweat. "I've dealt with a lot worse than her.” She then chuckled. “I'll have to tell you about Discord and Queen Chrysalis sometime..."

Scootaweb gave another smirk. "Good, then it'll just make this easier."

“Girls…”

“We’re not budging!”

The living mare rolled her eyes. "Ugh, you remind me of another tenacious little trio I know." She then sighed in defeat. "Fine, you can help, but don't try anything too fancy!"

"Yayyy!" the three beamed.

"Crusaders! Attack Pattern Omega!" Apple Doom said, smirking confidently.

The other two crusaders raised eyebrows. "Uhhhhh, Apple. We don't have any attack patterns."

The lycan gave a shrug. "Well, at least it sounded cool."

With that, 'Trixie' spoke up, her voice filled with both spite and actually a slight bit of admiration as she gazed upon the shimmering shield. "Impressive, Twilight."

The archers let loose yet another volley, their deadly projectiles whizzing through the cold night’s air as the crusaders and Blackblood winced for impact, only for them to batter against the shield once again, their small, wooden structures splintering and falling lazily to the ground.

'Trixie' gave another nod. "Most impressive." Her eyes then narrowed. "But you're no witch."

With that, The Wicked Witch of the West flung off her hat, revealing a jagged horn glowing green.

"Suck it!"

As her horn glowed ever brighter, Twilight's eyes widened in horror when a stream of purple particles began to emanate from her shield. As if they were being pulled in by a miniature black hole, they were quickly drawn to the witch's horn.

"Woah!" Twilight cried.

"W-What's going on?" Rotten asked, a hint of fear coming into her voice for the first time. "What's she doing?"

"It's a magic leeching spell," the Element of Magic explained. "Dark magic... not many on my side know of it, and I can't think of any counters! This Trixie is a lot more powerful than the one I know, it seems. Her magic is real."

"B-But we can still beat her, right?" Apple Doom said.

Twilight gave a slight nod, her eyes filled with confidence. "I think so, because it seems this Trixie and my Trixie have at least one thing in common."

"W-What's that?" Blackblood stuttered.

"Arrogance," the mortal mare said, glaring his way.

With that, Twilight turned her eyes the Western Witch's way before actually increasing the amount of magic she was feeding her shield. 'Trixie' gave a gasp at that, the trickle of particles flowing towards her horn now becoming a flood. Within a second, a small magical explosion erupted from it, kicking her back and sending her careening into the ground.

"Never let your eyes be bigger than your stomach," Twilight said, smiling. “Princess Celestia taught me that.”

With eyes narrowing once again, she dropped her shield, preparing to go on the offensive. As she gritted her teeth, particles of light began to form around her pointed birthright as wisps of energy were sucked into it. A loud whir sounded, and when it grew to an eardrum shattering shriek a lance of light lashed out from her forehead and towards a wide-eyed Wicked Witch of the West.

Gasping, ‘Trixie’s’ horn glowed brightly for but the briefest second before a bubble shield leapt up around her, the lance of light from Twilight breaking upon it like a wave on a rock, bounding to the sides.

"Archers! Bring her to her knees!" she cried, panting heavily.

The skeletons gave nods, supporting themselves on two hind legs as they drew arrows from tattered quivers.

"Come on! Let's keep them off Twilight's back," Apple Doom called, leading the crusaders in a charge towards the ranks of the undead. A number of skeletons equipped with spears and swords quickly moved to intercept them. However, the crusaders were ready for this, their eyes narrowing.

A series of clumsy sword swings were then sent Scootaweb's way, though by standing upon two of her strongest, insectoid legs, she was able to use the hardened tips of the other six to parry. Sparks filled the air as the young spider took deep breaths, struggling to maintain her balance. The glowing, red, piercing eyes of her opponents sent chills down her spine, them where their eye sockets once held sight long ago.

In the meantime, two spears careened towards Apple Doom, her gasping as she quickly jutted out of the way. The two pointed tips of the deadly weapons grazed her head’s fur, her barely managing to dodge, and instead struck cold soil, digging into it. Their clumsy skeleton owners then began desperately trying to rip them out.

Apple Doom never gave them the chance, however. Letting loose a roar, she eyed down one of them and then lept into to the air as if pouncing upon prey, her yellow eyes two embers in the night. She then sent a ferocious claw into its skull for a head. With a pop, it snapped off and spiraled into the ground, its red, glowing eyes quickly flashing out forever.

"Hah! That's one!"

She then twirled about, her panted breath leaping forth like a ghost into the night, before pouncing upon the second target. A claw was sent flying into this skeleton’s skull as well, it snapping off and twirling in a spiral to forever grace the clearing's floor, its pointed war helmet sliding a few feet away from it.

"What do five claws say to the face?!" Apple Doom grinned. "SMACK! Double Kill! Hahaha!” With that, she turned towards Rotten. “You know, these guys aren't tough at all!"

"Yeah! Twilight was right; the wicked witch is all talk!" Rotten called as she stood motionless, letting five very daft skeletons take swings right through her. "But what in the world is a double kill?"

"Something I've heard the announcer say at zombie killing tournaments! Me and Scootaweb watch them all the time!"

"Uhhhh, yeah... could use a little help, though!" Scootaweb cried, sweat dripping off her forehead as she continued desperately trying to hold off her six saber wielding attackers.

"Don't worry, Scoots! I've got this," Apple Doom grinned, before pouncing towards her. "Rotten! Take care of the archers somehow!"

The ghostly unicorn gave a quick salute before bounding towards their picket line, them now prepared to fire. However, upon seeing the apparition, they quickly turned towards her. They then let loose another volley, their deadly projectiles whizzing through the night, and finally, right through her as well.

"Wow! You guys can't even hit something ten feet in front of you!?" she teased, apparently completely unharmed. "Did you even go to archer school?"

The skeletons ignored the comment, silently loading another volley and firing once again with a series of barely audible twangs. However, once again, the rain of projectiles simply floated through the ethereal figure. As if she were made of smoke, they quietly made tiny holes in her, only for them to be quickly filled.

"Na-na-na-na,

Na-na,

Na-na,

Can't touch this!"

She then brought two wiggling hooves to her ears, sticking her tongue out.

In the meantime, across the clearing, Twilight continued to advance on 'Trixie', her eyes narrowing as another beam of light surged forth like a spear from her horn, her opponent now sweating bullets under her shield.

"Ugh, you worthless idiots!" the wicked witch cried the skeleton line's way. "Shoot at the purple one, not the ghost! By the night!"

The skeletons cocked heads at that, almost as if they were offended, before reloading. As they did, several melee attackers approached Twilight, their weapons glistening in the moonlight.

"Good! Protect your master! Buahahahaha!" the witch cackled.

Twilight gasped, forced to disengage her attack. Her eyes narrowing, she then supported herself with her frontal legs before sending two bucks towards her nearest attackers, surprising them before they could bring their spears to bear. With a strength she didn't think she had, her hind legs actually cracked the frontal ones of the skeletal ghouls. With them gone, the bony monsters collapsed upon their fronts.

"Applejack would be proud of me, though I hope this doesn't count as disrespecting the dead," Twilight simpered, before eyeing 'Trixie' preparing an offensive blast out of the corner of her eye. "Oh no you don't!"

With a glare, another brilliant whirring sound was heard from the student of magic’s horn, and out of nowhere appeared a brilliant, shimmering wall of purple energy, Trixie's spell crashing against it as the wicked witch gave a growl.

At that, two more skeletons wielding swords then approached Twilight. Spying them, the purple mare let loose a war cry before charging her horn once again and sending two furious blasts of light towards them. The magic holding their bones together was ripped asunder by the thundering energy, their skeletal forms disintegrating into pieces before flying backwards.

"I really need to thank Princess Luna for that crash course in combat magic she gave me," the mortal mare smiled, though she quickly narrowed an eyebrow. "Though I think she might have been a little too enthusiastic with the amount of power she said to put in her beam spells."

"Mmmm," 'Trixie' mused. "You were taught by one of the other side's princesses, hmmm?" She then grinned. "Glad to see that The Great and Powerful Wicked Witch is getting a challenge for once!"

With a ghastly grin, she charged her horn and sent another beam Twilight's way, her doing the same in the opposite direction. The two spells met in the middle with a tremendous crackle of energy, actually sending visible ripples of heat outward. The two were now metaphorically locked in parry.

Across the field, in the meantime, the skeletal archers prepared to fire once again....

"BEEEEYA!"

"Wooo yeah!"

However, they were never given the chance. Scootaweb and Apple Doom, now finished with the former’s opponents, began making their way down the picket line, knocking bows out of skeleton hands, and sometimes knocking skeletal hands off skeletal arms, a killing spree of epic proportions.

"Hah!" Apple Doom beamed, lopping off the top half of a skeletal archer (it standing on its hind legs) that was sent flying towards the ground. Its torso then began to claw towards the young lycan, her letting out an 'eep' before composing herself, growling and kicking its bobbing skull off its torso.

Grinning confidently, she turned towards another, repeating the process.

WHOOSH-SMACK!

It lost its head.

"Triple kill!"

WHOOSH-SMACK!

Another lost its bow arms.

"Killing spree!"

WHOOSH-SMACK-WHOOSH-SMACK!

"Killing frenzy! RUNNING RIOT, YEAH!" Apple Doom grinned.

"Oh yeah?" Scootaweb smirked. Supporting herself on her two strongest legs, she quickly dug two others into a skeleton skull's eye sockets and slammed its body into the ground. Its helmeted head no match for the force of impact, it quickly snapped off and rolled a few feet away.

"Running riot!" she cried proudly. Grinning, Scootaweb then turned to perform the same act on two other nearby undead.

WHOOSH-SMACK!

WHOOSH-SMACK!

"RAMPAGE! UNTOUCHABLE!"

One last skeleton was all that was remaining, Scootaweb quickly scurrying over towards it, launching herself upon its back, riding it rodeo style, and ripping off its head with her fearsome sticky, pointy-tipped legs.

"INVINCIBLE!” she roared, flinging the skull some yards away. "I am the queen of zombie slaying! Hahaha!"

Apple Doom's jaw nearly fell off her furry face.

"Wooo yeah! I think that was all of them," Rotten cried merrily, glancing at the clearing that was now completely littered with skeleton bones and medieval weapons. She then glared towards Blackblood who simply stood in the midst of it, his many mouths smiling smugly. "Sure got a lot of help from someghoul, though..."

"Didn't want to chip a tendril," he chuckled.

"Come on, forget him!" Apple Doom growled, glancing towards the beam-o-war that was taking place on the other side of the clearing. "We need to go help Twilight!"

The three then took off towards the two opponents, though they didn't make it too far, for two black, gooey tendrils quickly erupted from Prince Blackblood, striking both Scootaweb and Apple Doom with such a force that the moment they hit the ground, they were knocked unconscious.

"Blackblood!" Rotten cried, glaring daggers at the abomination. "You're really trying to live up to your biggest douche in the universe title, aren't you?!"

The abomination merely grinned. "Sticks and stones, my fair child. You can say what you wish, but I've got business to pay, and as soon as I help my apprentice finish with the Element of Magic, I'm afraid your own business will be over with here."

"Not if I have anything to say about that," she cried, her horn beginning to glow. "I might not know as much magic as Twilight, but I still might know enough to beat your sorry flank!"

"Pffffft-HAHAHAHAHA," Blackblood cackled. "What are you going to do, levitate me to death?"

The young ghoul's eyes narrowed. "Actually, yeah, I was thinking about lifting you about two hundred feet into the air and seeing how big of a splat you make."

Blackblood's mouths smirked smugly. "Come at me then, little filly! Let's see if you can play in a big girl's league!"

Not saying another word, the ghost moved towards him.

"Bahahahaha! Oh my, this is too rich! The sister of that foalish Scarity who actually thought she'd be my 'loving princess' thinks she can take me?! What a hoot- WAHHHHH!"

Growling, Rotten made good on her threat, beginning to lift him in the air.

"Apprentice! I need some assistance!" he cried.

Across the field, 'Trixie' gasped for breath as Twilight's beam began to overtake her own. "You're on your own, master!"

"We'll see about that!" he roared, sending a fury of black tendrils blitzkrieging towards Twilight. Before she even knew what hit her, the jagged spears of black struck her side. Like she was merely a stone to be kicked, she was sent sailing into the air before careening down on her side with a terrific THUD!

"Now's your chance! Strike when your opponent is weak!" he called to 'Trixie', who immediately smirked before facing the fallen mare.

"Trixie," Twilight gasped, trying desperately to stand. "I don't know what you're after... why you're doing this... but the Trixie I know at least had a noble side to her... don't do this."

"For the last time," she growled. "I. AM NOT. TRIXIE!"

SHIIINGGGGG-POOOOW!

One blast was all it took to knock the purple mare unconscious, her letting loose a groan before collapsing into the dirt.

With that, the Wicked Witch of the West pivoted herself to face a frightened Rotten-Belle, preparing to send a strike her way as well.

The young ghost's eyes widened, and seeing no other option, she quickly made headway into the woods, scurrying out of sight.

"Oh, hellfire!" The wicked witch growled, stamping a hoof. "Now we're screwed..."

Blackblood gave a slight chuckle, glancing at his new captives. "On the contrary, things couldn't have worked for the better. Noghoul will believe that the royal Prince Blackblood just disregarded direct orders from Princess Nightmare Moon, especially if it's coming from a mere child..." He then smiled slightly, tapping a hoof to his chin. “Except maybe… one ghoul.”

☼☼☼
☼☼
☼☼☼

Fifty miles away in Terrosville, Rainbow Death sat outside Twilight Soulshard's treehouse, quietly playing a sorrowful tune on guitar.