• Published 22nd Oct 2012
  • 17,132 Views, 714 Comments

The Nightmare Before Nightmare Night - Silent Bob

A slight parody of a Nightmare Before Christmas

  • ...

What's This?

With souls devoured and Frostmourne set to score,
My student prepared to travel to the Temple of the Doors.
There stood the gateways to all the other realms,
Forever waiting until the last chime of the bells.
However, before she could make her way to the other side,
She would need to call upon our servant of the skies.

The moon shined down upon the Everdead forest, the wind whistling through a thousand dead, blackened branches. With a quickly conjured spell, Twilight teleported over a small creek flowing with stinking, rotten blood, before continuing onward to a small clearing with nothing but dead grass and muck inside its circular self.

"Alright Spike, I hope you've gotten enough sleep this year," she whispered.

A light snow began to fall as she twirled Frostmourne and held its blade end horizontally out before her. As the snow drew closer to it, it actually began to morph into little wisps of blue light before they were sucked into the blade. Twilight smiled slightly at this before taking a deep breath and singing a short, sorrowful melody:

"Through the somber eventide...

Through the moonlit skies...

From the eastern mountain sides...


At the last line, Twilight narrowed her eyes and magically shoved Frostmourne into the frozen ground, sending a red, jagged line of energy outwards underneath it towards the edge of the clearing and beyond. About ten seconds later, a loud, surreal roar could be heard echoing from miles away.

Twilight then tapped her hoof, waiting patiently for the source of the cry to head her way, withdrawing Frostmourne and sheathing it as she did so. A minute later, another loud cry could be heard, this time nearly deafening, as well as the flapping of two, massive wings.

Grinning, she then spotted it on the horizon: a massive, winged bone dragon nearly forty times her length, its reddened eyes glowing in the dark and a green mist twirling about its features. Almost as soon as she spotted it it was then upon her, hovering over the clearing and kicking out a multitude of dead grass and dust. It almost managed to even knock over Twilight. It then let loose another bone curdling roar before bellowing with its nails-on-a-chalkboard-like voice:


"Hi Spike!" Twilight said, waving with a ginger grin.

"Oh hey, what's up Twilight!" the bone dragon chirped, beginning to lower himself to the ground before giving a slightly annoyed, "didn't expect to see you a few days early..."

The Lich Queen smiled sheepishly. "Sorry about that, but I need your help with something."

The bone dragon then gave the closest equivalent to a shrug it could. "Eh, it's cool, I was having a sort of bad dream anyway...."

Twilight narrowed an eyebrow. "A bad dream? What about?"

"Well, it didn't start out bad. In fact, it was actually pretty good at first! It was about that time a thousand years or so ago when I terrorized Canterlot, back when I lived on the other side." He put on a nostalgic smile. "Man, that was so wicked. I had ponies running every which way, guards shooting arrows at me, buildings burning... I even managed to capture one of the princesses! It was such a classic!"

"Then what happened?" Twilight said, raising an eyebrow.

Spike narrowed his eyes, letting out a deep sigh. "Then it all went horribly wrong..."

A thousand years ago, Spike sat within a somber, damp cave, miles away yet close enough to Canterlot, Princess Luna held tightly by his tail. She appeared to be slightly disgruntled, though it didn't seem to be at her current predicament...

"So then my sister has the nerve of taking over matters on the Northern Front, and I've always handled matters on the on the Northern Front! Apparently though I'm not tactful enough for handling the sensitive diplomacy there! Can you believe that?!"

Spike gave a sympathetic smile. "Ouch, that seems like a low blow, princess," he said. "Say, want another apple?"

"Yes please," the princess said with a thankful nod. Spike then gripped one of the tiny fruits from a barrel he had stolen and handed it to the princess, who then continued with, "anyway, Tia hogs on the glory! She gets the people's love during the day while they sleep during the night! Where's my fame?! Where's my love?! There's no accolade for the eventide..."

Spike gave a nod. "I know, right? It seems like you totally work harder for Equestria than anypony."

Luna then gave out a long sigh. "See, you understand at least! Why can't Tia?!" Her eyes then widened in realization. "Maybe she does but just doesn't care..."

Spike brought a claw to his chin in thought before raising his eyebrows, an idea popping into his head. "You know what you should totally do? One of these days, you should just like... not bring the moon down, you know, for like a week or so? That way the people can appreciate the night!"

Luna squinted in thought. "Mmmm, I'm not sure. What if I get so full of myself I give into my evil, lustful side and get sealed in the moon or something insane?"

A brief moment of silence came before the two burst out into laughter.

"Hahaha, like that's going to-"

"Stop right there, dragon fiend!" a voice called at the cave's entrance, Spike turning his head towards the source before giving a loud, annoyed groan. Surrounding the origin of the heroic voice were four bards who resembled members of a certain band.

"Who's that?" Luna asked.

"Oh god, it's-"

"Horsey Douchebag Link,

He come to town!

Come to save,

The princess Luna!

The evil dragon took her away,

Now the foals will not play,

But they will, when Link saves the day,


The tri-force cutie-marked pony raised an eyebrow, giving his four bards an offended expression. "Douchebag?! Well exccuuuuuseee me, System!"

"Sorry," one of them peeped.

With a sigh, Link then turned back towards the dragon. "Alright, dragon scum! You've got five seconds hand over Princess Luna, or I'm gonna whip out the good stuff!"

"I don't want to see your junk," Spike groaned.

"And we're trying to have a private conversation here," Princess Luna sighed, before waving Link off. "Can you go do hero stuff somewhere else?"

The tri-force pony's eyes widened. "She must be mind controlled!" he announced triumphantly. "No worries, I shall save you princess!" At that, he whipped out a series of round explosives. "Prepare to suck bomb, dragon fiend!"

Spike's eyes widened in horror. "NO NOT THE BOMBS! NOT THE-"


And he was blown into a million bones.

A thousand years later, Spike gave a spiteful grunt. "Seriously! Screw that guy! Screw that guy! Screw that guy..." he grumbled, before shaking his head and shrugging off the dream.

"So... you used to live on the other side, huh? I didn't know that!" Twilight said, quirking a curious eyebrow.

Spike gave a shrug. "Yeah, but it wasn't that great, I like it here much better! Everything's so gothic and horrible, I love it!"

Twilight then narrowed her eyebrows, a slightly saddened look etching across her features. "You mean... you don't miss it at all?"

The dragon gave a wicked, bony grin. "The only thing I miss about the other side is terrorizing it..." He then gave her a suspicious glance. "Why the sudden interest, though? Have you never actually been there?"

Twilight shook her head. "No, I usually just handle coordinating Nightmare Night efforts from here, I've never actually seen it." At that, she glanced slightly away from him, her face becoming laced with longing. "Spike... mind if I ask you a question?"

"Shoot," he said.

The Lich Queen then folded in her lips, waiting a second before finally saying, "you spend all year sleeping... is it because you need rest, or is it because you're bored?"

Spike gave a moment of thought before saying, "mainly the former, I think. I need time to charge up my magical reserves if you want to open the gates for an extended period of time." He then quirked an eyebrow. "Why do you ask, are you getting bored of death or something?"

"You could say that," she sighed. "I... just want to pay the other side a little visit. Could you make it happen for me?"

Spike gave her a concerned glance. "Y-You're not planning on ditching Edeathstria or something crazy, right?"

Twilight gave a curt laugh at that while shaking her head. "Oh no, of course not... I just... I just want to see what the other side does for fun, you know? They have to do things besides scaring each other all the time!"

The bone dragon's glowing eyes widened in realization. "Ooooh, so that's what this is all about. Twilight, you know there's other things to do besides scaring people all the time, right?"

"Like what?" she puzzled.

"Like studying up on how to scare people better!" the dragon beamed with a grin.

Twilight gave him a blank look, before giving a groan. "That's not what I want to do the rest of my life!"

At that, Spike gave a small sigh... and an understanding smile. "Fine, fine, I'll help you along, I guess. Don't say I never do you any favors, though."

Twilight's eyes then widened, a gleeful smile coming upon her. "You will?! Really?!"

The dragon gave a shrug. "I've got nothing better to do the next few days since someghoul went and woke me up early," he said, giving Twilight a sarcastic smirk. "And if I go back to sleep, I'm not going to be waking up until the next cycle."

"Well in that case, wanna come with!?" The Lich Queen beamed.

"Uhhh," Spike said, lifting a claw. "I'm a bit big to fit through the door..."

Twilight gave a smirk. "Just use your shrinking magic!"

The dragon nearly face-clawed at that, giving a slight chuckle. "Oh, right! I forgot I could do that!" At that, he closed his eyes, concentrating deeply on something before his bony body began to rapidly shrink in size. He became the size of a small house, then a horse-drawn Hurst, and eventually: the size of a lizard. "Ahhh, there we go," he said, his voice twenty times less menacing and thirty times more squeaky. He then flew over and perched himself on the Lich Queen's back. "Alright, to the Temple of the Doors, I guess?"

"Right, here we go!" Twilight smiled, before beginning a gallop deeper into the woods. Eventually, she spotted her destination: a massive, black and red obelisk sticking out of the ground. Her eyes narrowing in resolve, she then made her way to the two double-doors of the structure, their handles created from bloody, guck-encrusted bones.

"Where's the monk?" Spike asked. "Shouldn't he be standing sentinel?"

The Lich Queen shrugged. "Must be inside sleeping or something..."

"I thought he never sleeps, though," Spike pointed out. "He is the most horrifying creature in all of Edeathstria, after all."

"Whelp, only one way to find out what he's doing," The Lich Queen sighed, before lifting a hoof to the doorbell and pressing it. Immediately, a wonderful sound filled the air, raising the duo's eyebrows.

"Come on baby, light my fire,

Come on baby, light my fire,

Try to set the night on fire!"

"Holy night, that's actually pretty good!" Twilight said, tapping her hoof.

"I can see now why they call it the Temple of The Doors," Spike grinned.


Somewhere across the gates in Equestria there was a drum and cymbal crash. A comedic pony grinned on stage before saying, "so, what's the deal with air chariot food?!"


Back at the temple, a second later the music stopped as the two double doors opened with a creak. Twilight and Spike gave a sigh of disappointment at the song's end as a certain pony was revealed...

"Why hello there!" a bombastic voice called. "I, Darksong Shadowbane, the red and black alicorn and most feared creature in all of Edeathstria welcome thee to the TEMPLE OF THE DOORS! DUN DUN DUN...."

Twilight gave him a polite smile with a nod. "Hi Shadowbane! Wicked new doorbell!"

"Yes, it was horrible!" Spike said with a smile of approval. "It even made me shiver."

"Thank you, thank you! It wasn't much to install for Darksong Shadowbane, the red and black alicorn and most feared creature in all of Edeathstria, savior of the Eastern Sea and freer of the Old Gods!"

"Never gonna let us forget that, are you?" Spike smirked with a chuckle.

"Never! Darksong Shadowbane, the red and black alicorn and most feared creature in all of Edeasthria deserves-"

"Er, we know of your accomplishments, Shadowbane," Twilight said, a sheepish grin on her face. "But uh... no offense, but we're kind of...." She paused for a second, trying to think of an excuse of how to avoid a prolonged list of all of the alicorn's deeds.

"Pressed for time!" Spike quickly said. "We want to use the door to the 'real' world, if that's alright."

Darksong tapped his chin. "Well... it is a bit early..." He then gave a smile towards Twilight. "But Darksong Shadowbane has always admired the Lich Queen's ability to coordinate Nightmare Night in this area! Darksong Shadowbane will allow you to pass through the gates!"

"You will?!" Twilight said, giving him a cheery grin. "Wicked, Shadowbane!"

Darksong gave a nod. "You may proceed at your leisure, but I'm afraid Darksong Shadowbane cannot accompany you, for he has much knitting to do." He then bounced merrily with a cheeky smile. "I'm making socks for all the horrible little ghouls of Terrorsville! It's a new hobby of mine!"

"I'm sure they'll appreciate that!" Twilight said.

"And thank the night for hobbies," Spike muttered under his breath, earning a look from the Lich Queen. He returned it with a sheepish grin.

With that, the duo and the alicorn parted ways, the former eventually making their way into a massive, circular hall lined with nearly twenty doors, each with small picture upon them representing the holidays they led to: a yuletide tree for Heart's Warming Eve, a jagged sword for the griffin's Meat Slaughter Fest, and even an egg for the Spring Ceremony. However, one door of all stood out in particular: a golden, glowing gateway marked by the two real world princesses trying to nip at each other's tails in a circle, and them surrounded by the six Elements of Harmony.

Twilight smiled at the sight. "Whelp, this is it! Do your stuff, Spike!"

"Right, here we go," Spike said, taking a deep breath for entering a mode of deep concentration. Eventually he began to mutter, "quæ addet ut tangat te nunquam mihi molestus Im tam felix et bysso..." As he did so, the green mist that hovered between his bones began to exit his body, twirling like a whirlwind into the door. At that, it began to glow a bright green, and eventually it began to open on its own to reveal a bright, piercing light, Twilight having to shield her eyes from it.

"What is it?" she gasped in awe, before she began to trot cautiously over towards the door. Taking a deep breath, she did the best to compose herself before stepping through to the other side of the fence...

Upon that, her eyes were beginning to adjust to the light, them quickly widening at the majesty of what lay before her. She was in a beautiful, green forest, color around her like she had never seen before with light piercing down on her from the heavens and revealing white, fluffy, clouds.

"By the night... it's so.... horrible!" Twilight called, spinning in circles to glance at all that she could.

Spike gave a groan. "Beautiful you mean..." he gagged.

"You're right! Beautiful is a better word for it!" Twilight beamed. "Oh my gosh... so much color... and the air... it smells so..."

"Fragrant?" Spike grunted, before wincing slightly and shielding his red eyes. "Ugggh, I forgot how bright the other side is..."

"Isn't it....." she squinted, trying to think of the right word. "Wonderful?!"

"You say that like it's a good thing..." he groaned, before giving a sigh. "There, you've seen the other side. Can we go now?"

"Not yet, Spike!" the Lich Queen beamed. "There's so much to see! Look at all of this!" She then clapped her hooves gingerly, bouncing about in utter joy. "Bythenightbythenightbythenight this is so great!"

At that, she took a deep breath as she began to prance around the forest.

"What's this?! What's this?!

The sun is shining in the sky!

What's this?!

The trees are still alive!

What's this?!

I can’t believe my eyes,

Spike I must be dreaming, pinch me now this isn't fair!

What's this?!

What's this?! What's this?!

There's something very wrong!

What's this?!

The birds are flesh and singing songs!

What's this?!

Creeks aren't filled with bloody gack,

Why does this place get such a bad rap?

Have I totally gone daft?!

What's this?!"

Spike gave a disgruntled groan.

"Twilight Soulshard my dearest friend,

I'm not sure what you see,

This world is far too brightly lit,

And far too filled with green,

Just the sight of all this color,

Is making me feel sick,

Can't we just head on back home so you can be our lich?"

The bone dragon put on a hopeful smile.

"Bah, come on Spike! There's so much more to see first!" Twilight said with glee.

"Ugh, what else is there?"

He was met with a grin as Twilight spotted something out of the forest. "How about that town over there!? Come on!"

Spike sighed before shrinking down further and scurrying underneath Twilight's cloak. Merrily, the Lich Queen then sped onward, her cloak's hood up as she sang all the way:

"Oh Look! What's this?!

There's music in the air!

What's this!?

It's played to sing to and not to scare?!


They gather round to dance in glory,

And there's absolutely nothing gory!

What's this?!

What's this?! How slick!

The foals are jumping over ropes!

What's this?!

They're not meant to hang and choke?!

By the night there is no fright,

Not a single corpse in sight,

And there's a smile on every face,

Now correct me if I'm wrong,

This looks like fun,

This looks like fun!

Oh could it be I've got my wish!?

That must be it!


At that, she spotted a sign near the outskirts of the loving town. She quickly read it before scratching her head.

"Ponyville, huh? Hmmmm...."