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Anonymous Pegasus
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Anonymous Pegasus
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Well... That escalated quickly
Read:
That was...impulsive
"Hot cute" -? - How cute, maybe?
.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/353/279/e31.jpg
Either way...
Waiting for next chapters.
well, twilight really took NMM sudden reappearance and then being raped in strides.
iambrony.jsmart.web.id/mlp/gif/cf327727a7cb5139a6be34f80cfebfcb.gif
i mean; lying down right next to her a couple of seconds later. you could have had her turn back into luna when she feel asleep, that way having twilight lie down right next to her would have made a little more sense.
1479601 Twilight laid down all awkward on the other side of the bed, but NMM drags her in closer
1479603
ah, well, i assumed the bed wasn't that large. and wouldn't getting out of there be the first thought, i mean with what NMM just did and all.
1479610 She was in post-orgasm euphoria, shaky legged, not quite sure what had just happened, and was assaulted by no less than the princess. The only thing she could really do is go to Celestia with it... which might cause issues, yes?
But you'll find all this out in chapter 2...
1479616
oh, don't get me wrong, i loved it, just some details there, and i don't doubt for a second that you have an explanation for everything.
i have question btw, it's more in general, but it's valid for the story; what's up with NMM always having her armor immediately after being transformed from luna, i seriously don't get that, is the armor a piece of NMM or something?
it's not really critisism, it's more that i don't get why everyone does that.
1480136
Considering that NMM could mist herself with it on, that it was destroyed after being rainbowgazmed, etc; it's entirely reasonable to think that the armor is somehow linked.
I'd be more worried about the rape card, but I'm waiting for ch2~
Ok ok awesome story! I enjoyed it... But you NEED to keep updating ingress :( it's why I followed you :P
Can't wait for the next chapter!
jrgrana.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/09/Stop_hand.png
Inky just picked you up speeding and breaking several laws on the FIMFiction highway, and it's time to take to TAKE. YOU. IN.
Ladies and gentlemen... it's time for an INKY ANALYSIS
1) "Excuse Me, Can You Repeat That? I Don't Quite Understand." Let us review the examples:
Just a few more minutes, and it night court will be over, Luna reminded herself
A pony from way out west was beseeching for royal funding to expand the apple orchard at Appleloosa
Do we really have to listening to this? Luna mused
“As ah was sayin’” Braeburn began.
She had come up with a theory that a dragons growth rates were directly in proportion to their greed
Offer her a place in our bed. Nightmare Moon whispered in Luna’s mind.
Seems to me that there are several typos throughout this fic: missing words, missing punctuation, bad grammar. Is Luna having a little amnesia when a word goes missing, or what?
2) PSSSHHH, Fuck This Part, Let's Get to the Boning! I want to stick your face in this piece, right here:
Just a few more minutes, and it night court will be over, Luna reminded herself, giving an inward sigh.
A pony from way out west was beseeching for royal funding to expand the apple orchard at Appleloosa, as a recent tornado out that way had caused a large deficit in growing capacity.
Braeburn, she recalled. That was the pony’s name. A young stallion with a yellow body and a blond mane.
Do we really have to listening to this? Luna mused, before shaking her head to clear it and pushing the thoughts away.
“Have you any idea how much funding you will need?” Luna enquired.
Let's establish something, okay? Our POV (point of view) character is Luna, and this fic is clop. Clop. Do you know what that means, dude? It means that readers want a fully immersive, sensory experience. A sensory experience is established by using the writing to bring a reader into the illusion. In order to do this, you must first generate the environment and all the things in it at a good pace.
With this little piece about Braeburn, you said, "Fuck that, I want to get to Twilight." Impatience does not make for good writing--it makes for a visit from Inky Swirl, with his police-issue fanfic-beatdown baton.
Consider that Braeburn's presence is what triggers Nightmare Moon's input, thus, ushering her into the illusion of the story. Why, why, why would you do no more than say, "Oh, by the way, the pony was Braeburn." If this stallion can make Luna's blood warm, then why don't you give us that impression? Is this just a friggin' walk-on cameo? Were you searching for a name and just plucked it out of a character sheet?
NO! NO! NO!
Everything you introduce into a story must CONTRIBUTE to the story, and if you introduce a character, you do not just throw in a tiny little thought about what they look like, you show us through a main character's observations. Right now, all I know about the situation I'm in as Luna is that it's "Night Court," I'm in an uncomfortable throne, and this Western blob of yellow is talking to me about... something. Yet, somehow, he makes me wanna bone.
Resolution: Make the moment. If we do not experience a moment with all of our senses, we are not made to believe. If we do not believe, you have not created an illusion, and your story is fully broken. Broken stories aren't supposed to be read.
AND SHAME ON ALL YOU BASTARDS WHO UP-THUMBED THIS BECAUSE YOUR PENISES LOVE 'EM SOME LUNA-POON!
3) Don't Worry, This Happens A Lot. I don't know about you, but when I suddenly hear a voice in my head say something totally outrageous, I don't usually blink it away.
Ugh, this is boring. We should just drag him into the royal bedchamber and have our way with him. Luna blinked several times, and then rubbed a hoof against her forehead. It was several seconds before she realised that she had missed what Braeburn was saying.
Nightmare Moon just said something incredibly naughty (and cheesy), and that's how Luna reacts? You're not even going to get into it?
Oh, and while I'm on the subject of Luna behaving correctly, let's examine the wider issue here of her personality representation!
This is Princess Luna. You know--the one who had a whole episode about how she sucks at getting people to like her? Doesn't anybody remember that at the end of it, the only way she did gain acceptance was by pretending to be the vicious monster she hated everyone seeing her as in the first place? That's not acceptance--that's putting on a face and pretending to like it, because people like the character better than the person stuck with the role! I can't imagine how the dude who played Snape in the Potter films feels when he meets fans and just wants to be liked for being him when he's absolutely loved for being a villain!
Luna wants to be accepted. She wants to be loved for who she is. So you suggest that, in her night court, where only brave ponies would dare walk, she's going to fucking ignore them? That's one HELLUVA P.R. campaign! No wonder she needs Twilight around to help her, if she's that dense as to how to properly socially interact with people. If I'm trying to fix my reputation with people who have a supreme dislike and/or fear of me, I'm definitely going to pretend they're not even there and show my clear disinterest about their problems when they come to seek my help!
4) Sees Pretty Girl, Walks Up, Says Hello, Drops Pants. Have you, perhaps, heard of the concept that you must build anticipation in a reader?
Luna slipped down off the throne, arching her back and stretching languidly, trying to work the stiffness out of her muscles. Her wings flared and quivered as she stretched them, and she adjusted her mane, before turning and heading for the library to check on Twilight Sparkle.
Okay, she's going to the library. Why? Because Twilight's in there. Wanna know how to make me give a shit?
Make me wonder why she's going to the library, and THEN introduce Twilight. In fact, why didn't you take Luna's blissful walk to the library as an opportunity to probe her mysterious brain? Settle us into Luna's head, thus creating the illusion, then--bam! Twi outta left field!
You need to tease a reader about things, ESPECIALLY if you run with a POV as close as has been established here. If your writer's foreplay is that bad here, I'm glad I didn't get to the sex!
5) A Hundred Ways to Say 'Snow.' I'm not going to quote anything, because if I grabbed some examples, I'd extend this comment's length by 3x... but you've used way too many words to say things you've already said.
6) 'A Personal Appeal From Founder Jimmy Wales.' It was said on a blog post the other day by a wise man that shoddy, half-bit clop on here will always make a bigger splash than a good work, and I'm seeing it firsthand. There's a big reason I don't actually like clop--quite mean-spirited towards it, I actually am--and it's because so many fuckers actually use it simply as a masturbatory tool. Yes, I know that the characters in MLP have become mainly playtoys for grown men and pubescent boys, now, and are often used for a two-minute stress relief exercise, but when it saturates the literary section to the point where it rivals the amount of regular stuff on here, I put on my fighting gloves.
And when you use Luna to get off, when you ignore Luna's personality and disrespect her in such a way, you incur my wrath. Luna is probably one of the most complex, interesting characters on that whole show, and when you revert her to a fuck-puppet for your one-shot story built out of toothpicks and paste, you commit a sin punishable directly by Inky.
I don't write clop, I don't even like clop, but I have to do this:
farm3.staticflickr.com/2609/3922636791_bf640fd8d1.jpg
I'M THROWIN' DOWN MA GAUNTLET!
Sir, I propose to you a challenge: Fix this fic and give it your best effort, or I will write my own version and crush this and every other Luna clopfic beneath my mighty boot. I will make readers cry, I will make them hard or wet, and I will leave them in an afterglow of awe and satisfaction that good can be done in this world.
Using this storyline.
I know you're a human being, just doing your thing, but if you walk in here and spit in the face of writing and Princess Luna like this, I have no choice but to challenge it.
Fix the fic, or I will run your idea through the Inky machine and destroy all in my path.
1483718 Yeah, I like constructive criticism, so thanks for that.
But you get no thanks for being a pompous, stuck up bastard. You clearly think you can do better, you even said so.
Kindly go do that. Don't let the door hit you on the way out.
1483752
WOOHOO! License to thrill!
My respect for you goes up +15.
You know, with Twi snuggling to get comfortable, I think somepony is going to.walk in in the morning.
And that Twi isny't going to cry "rape"
Another awesome story from anonymous pegasus.
love that Moonlight clop
1483718
cartoonmeme.com/assets/images/memes/4f722eff85e6d.jpg
1484393 Oh, I like the constructive criticism. I really do. I'm always trying to do better as a writer. Just the format it was presented to me in was utterly cunted. Yeah, that's a word.
i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/141/361/I%20can't%20clop%20to%20this.jpg
No Luna character development, or explanation as for how Twilight got there?! THIS is why I have no taste for erotic clop! No passion, no connection, no character, just boring clop.
I am not even gonna touch the like or dislike button.
upload.linkswarm.com/i/sunny77/boner0Yw.gif
?
Interesting. I wonder who the next victim is. Maybe
I'm betting that Celestia's going to go supernova when she finds out about this....
Nice. Can't wait for more!
1483718
Well, I can't blame you. That thing looks like it would be painful as fuck to clop with.
1490980
You, sir... You win an Inky Award for that.
1490980
If i could like this comment i would
Err, ah, uh? This is just simply too shallow and too fast. It needs more explanation. Is this Nightmare Moon Luna's dark side, an alternate personality, an expression of suppressed desires over 1000 years, or ? It would be kinda funny if she turned back into Luna after all that and Twilight woke up cuddled up to Luna; Not to mention, supremely awkward for both of them (if a little cliche). Especially, given that my take is that Luna was trying to avoid this by talking to Twilight -- which clearly succeeded in all the wrong ways. Real question is is this TwixLuna clop or is that just one example of the craziness? I hope Celestia avoids walking into this one, that scenario doesn't really end well.
I hope you are casting this as Twilight of a reasonable age, because that would make much more sense. I.e. Twilight having unfulfilled desires (generally), due to her usual shyness/antisocialness, that makes resisting this whole situation much harder. I.e. wants to have such a relationship with somepony and when compelled to be involved with Luna/NMM without a way out, settles for the best of a bad situation. This is going to wreck her mind in the morning if she's anything like a sensible pony.
Also, it seems like this is one of those stories where Luna is all double-minded about things, so you should try to address that. I know you're writing clop, but you could make an effort to write a good story too.
Well, to be honest, Inky actually said all the things I was thinking for this as it was. And, to be honest, I think you took it a bit out of proportion. Pretty much, IS was just making it all lighthearted so as not to come down like a rain of lead bricks. Which I thought he/she did quite well, actually. I wish that I had HALF a decent comment on most of my stories on another site. Like, seriously. Constructive, a bit harsh, and then jokes to alleviate the stress. I thought it was pretty well thought out and executed for being a comment.
Just saying, is all.
Anyways I'll probably follow the story. Maybe. Seems to be going a bit fast, though.
I like it. Moonlight is a rare treat and especially one that isnt a one shot
keep writing sir i need moar
oh shiit
If you're going to have somepony get raped, please put in the "dark" tag so that it doesn't come as a nasty surprise to readers that only see the "romance" tag and actually expect it to be a romantic story.
1483752
Yeah, don't let the door hit you where the Krogan Warlord should have head-butted you.
I mean, sure this fic can be better, but if you check the status of the fic, its INCOMPLETE!!! That means not finished, not done yet, He ain't ready to say "DONE!". And your form of constructive criticism was a bit "cunty"(damn, now I'm saying it).
The title is kind of misleading, isn't it? I know rape is bad and all but . . . I've read worse.
'Miss Me?'
Clearly these clop scenes need to be more nightmarish!
Well, ah needed this ah guess, sumthin' with Nightmare Moon that was plum silleh and lighthearted. Jus' read anotha' story were Nightmare died at the end and this here fiction made up the diff'rence. Glad Ah read that story prior to this here one. Thank ya' kindly for this!
Yes go NMM make her want you.....god what the hell is wrong with me.....you know what fuck it, this is even better then Molestia taking Twilight.
Is Dead This Story =?
¿=
aaaaaaaaaaaany day now... any day now... any day now. 100 bottles of beer on the wall...
MOAR!!!
2130480 I love this comment.
2130480
i know your comment's old but... are there actually ANY stories on Molestia X Twilight
?
3864166
yes, yes there are in fact, I just cant name any off the top of my head.
3864166 This one right here:
http://www.fimfiction.net/story/19995/the-secret-life-of-celestia
Basically molestia.
is there no more I like this want more
Please more, don't let this story die in the oblivion
3866830 so is this story dead...or what?
1479616
But the chapter never came. It never came!
In all seriousness though, is there going to be a 2nd chapter? There's so much that could happen from where it left off...
A real shame this story has been cancelled, it had alot of potential for future chapters.