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Chapter 1: The Joker Has Arrived3,677 words
Chapter 2: Royal Pain In The Butt3,163 words
Chapter 3: Party Favors4,335 words
Chapter 4: Gala Crasher3,244 words
Chapter 5: Canterlot Racers3,050 words
Chapter 6: Breaking Out With A Plan2,299 words
Chapter 7: A Party Would Be Delightful: Part 13,099 words
Chapter 8: A Party Would Be Delightful: Part 22,989 words
Chapter 9: A Party Would Be Delightful: Part 33,016 words
Chapter 10: Therapy Sessions4,042 words
Chapter 11: Devious Minds3,253 words
Chapter 12: It Was Only A Dream...2,363 words
Chapter 13: ... And Now It's A Nightmare2,864 words
Chapter 14: New Laughs, Old Memories1,266 words

Chapter 10: Therapy Sessions

Hey, hey Bobby. Bobby, hey, Bobby. You awake?

For fuck's sake, yes! Why are you here poking me in the face at this ungodly hour?

I was bored.

Then fuck off!

Well, looks like someone is a bit bitchy today.

Of course I am! Because you never leave me alone!

You knew what you were getting into when you decided to write a story about me.

Don't you have Batman to bug?

Old Batsy is unavailable at the moment. Something about trying to stop that nuclear war head I targeted at the Pentagon.

I'm afraid to ask where you got your hands on a nuclear war head.

Ebay!

Well, I be damned. Now, shut up and let me sleep.

But Bobby, you have to write about me! Because you're the best.. around.. nothing's gonna ever keep you down!

... Shit, now you got that fucking song stuck in my head. Fine, I'll get on it.

That's what she said! Your mom, specifically.

I knew you would eventually go to that low, low level of humor that you know so well.

And that's why I'm the best at limbo! How low can you go?

Apparently as low as it will take to write a crossover about you.

Hot damn, that's lower than your mom's BJ special!

It is here that I realize I'm doomed to this for the rest of my natural life.

Aw, chip up. There's a good chance we'll both end up in hell anyway, so I'll still hang out with you.

Good point. Might as well as write.

Yay! I'm going to have so much fun tormenting those ponies! I'll even make a day out of it! Muhahahahahahahaha!

"What a glorious day for a morning drive, don't you think so, Celly?" the Joker asked his traveling companion, the princess of the sun herself, Celestia. The Joker was currently tied up in magical chains in the back of a chariot being pulled by an entire platoon of pegasi guards. The princess stood watch over him, her horn's magic keeping him locked into position, with the most powerful restraints she could produce magically.

"Be quiet, Joker. When we get back to the palace you will pay for your crimes," she replied, her voice wavering from a lack of sleep and the high amount of toxins she received by the mad clown's hand.

"Well, sorry to disappoint you, your royal anus, but I'm short on cash right now. Do you take credit cards instead?" This got a chuckle out of the Joker, who rattled his chains in evil glee. The princess just remained silent and continued to focus her magic to make sure the white faced maniac had no chance at escaping.

After several more minutes of the Joker cracking cheap jokes and generally being an annoying ass, Canterlot came into view. And it wasn't a pretty sight. "I really have to say, Celly, Canterlot sure does look beautiful in the morning," the Joker reflected, not in the least hiding his smile at the destruction he created upon the capital of Equestria in such a short time.

Buildings were decimated, entire blocks of houses burned to the ground. Flickering fires were still lit in odd parts of the city, while the burned out carcasses of many others turned large areas of into little more than smoldering ruins. Nearly half the city had been ravaged by flames, and it looks like pegasi troopers were still organizing downpours to drench the city in case of another blaze picking up.

For Princess Celestia, this was one of the most heart wrenching sights she has ever seen. Her city, the shining jewel of Equestria, was nearly destroyed in one night. All by the hand of one individual, who wasn't even of this world. The boiling fury igniting in her threatened to grow hotter than the sun she controlled, and overwhelm all those around her. But she collected herself and remained calm, a skill every leader learns to better lead their country.

"The only thing that would make this an even more picture perfect view would be piles of burned bodies. Care to tell where you're hiding them?" the Joker asked, his devilish grin setting the princesses' teeth on edge.

"No one was killed in the fires if that's what you wanted to know," Celestia answered, glaring dagger at the Joker. "The citizens were evacuated before the blaze could reach the more populated areas of the city."

"Aw, and here I was hoping to increase my body count. You don't get the biggest kill ratio in the DC universe without keeping at it on a consistent basis," the Joker said, winking at you, the reader. Suck it Pinkie Pie.

Celestia just stared at the crazy human winking at nothing but empty air, and resigned herself to get the best psychologists in Equestria to get the Joker checked. Never before had she seen depictions of insanity as serious as his. Other than Discord, of course.

In no time they touched down at the palace, which was currently in a different crisis that was, of course, related to the Joker. Reporters flocked the chariot like flies to a freshly killed corpse, camera flashes and raised voices creating a sense of disorder that could only come from a media frenzy. Celestia, who was used to the constant media torment, rose to her graceful position and prepared a speech for her subjects.

"Attention citizens! The criminal known as the Joker has been apprehended and no other pony has been hurt at his hand. All your questions shall be answered later once the prisoner has been moved to a more secure location."

This, of course, didn't deter the crowd of reporters from shooting off questions like a firing squad. From 'how did he escape' to 'will there be a human invasion' were asked, but unfortunately for them and their newspapers, the princess was in no mood at the moment to answer them. That didn't leave the Joker from taking the spotlight.

He leaped from his seat, his upper body still wrapped with a great multitude of magical chains, and while being lead to the palace he greeted the reporters. "Oh, my wonderful audience! It's so good to see you all! I just have a quick appointment to keep, and you all know how grumpy the big P can get when her schedule isn't perfect. But don't worry, I'll be back so you can bask in my greatness! Ta ta for now!"

This caused the reporters to start barraging the insane clown with questions galore, but the circle of no nonsense guards kept even the most determined reporter at bay. Finally the Joker was lead through the gate into the palace, not before making kissing faces to the crowd.

"Don't you just love it, Celly? Me, a no good criminal welcoming this much attention. The media doesn't change no matter what universe you go to." Celestia continued to ignore him, as most of her attention was on the magical chains currently keeping him in hold.

The halls of the palace was abuzz with guards and servants, along with all the nobility from the night of the Gala. When the Joker was spotted, any servant in the vicinity dashed out of sight, while the nobility either cowered in fear or fainted on the spot. The guards just gave him an evil glare, no doubt pissed that all the chaos caused last night came from the prisoner currently being escorted before them.

The Joker, maniac smirk and all, couldn't help but giggle in delight at the mayhem he was causing just by his presence. "I gotta say, sunny butt, your ponies really know how to greet a guest of honor."

Celestia could only grind her teeth and continue to lead the insufferable human down to his new and improved prison. It was at that moment Captain Armor came into view, a sight even sorer for the eyes than Celestia herself. He had been running a stressful shift for eighteen hours now, and taking into consideration the panic of the Gala, the inferno in Canterlot, and the supposed near destruction of the population of Ponyville, it was a miracle he hand't collapse by now. By now the only one thing that was pushing him to not fall over the edge into blissful sleep. was finally locking the Joker up, with no chance at escape.

"Joker," Armor said, his exhaustion not in the least lessening the hateful tone in his voice.

"Ah, if it isn't my friend, pony Gordon. Although you're missing the glasses and moustache I adore so much, that unmistakable 'stick up your ass' sense of justice is still there."

Shining Armor was at lost for words at what he just said, but ignored it and joined in the heavily secured escort. "That escape you pulled caught us by surprise. But I can assure you now, you won't be escaping twice."

"You know, if I had a nickel each time someone told me that, I could buy all of Gotham!" the Joker proclaimed, his gangly movement forcing the unicorn guards to keep their spears at ready in case he made a break for it.

"So, where we going? Dungeon, over protected prison facility, or my favorite, Disney World?" the Joker asked, skipping like a freakily deformed school girl.

"You'll see," was all Armor would answer.

Eventually the escort arrived that their location. A single door with no special attachments whatsoever. Inside half the room was divided by thick iron doors which housed a single occupancy bed, a toilet, a desk, and a chair bolted to the floor. Needless to say, the Joker was disappointed at the anticlimactic prison cell he was receiving. "What gives? You could have at least made it flashier. Some skeletons in the corner, blood dripping from the ceiling, chains attached to the walls. Or at least the smell of rot and decay."

"This cell is usually used to house upstart nobles," Celestia said, yanking Joker's chains so he would get closer to the bars. "Since they refuse to go to the dungeons, the guards made this prison to accommodate them. Anti magic runes in the walls prevent any spells that aren't from the guards from being cast. The iron bars should deter you from any mischief, along with some chains to keep you at bay."

"Pfft, whatever," the Joker replied, rolling his crimson eyes. "Not like I've had worst lodgings. At least their's no orange jumpsuits involved."

"You don't honestly think I'd lock you up with all your gadgets and tricks, do you?" Celestia asked, her eyebrow arched.

"Wow, you just showed a sign of intellect. Maybe your species isn't doomed to chew hay and crap in fields after all."

"Ugh... Captain Armor, relieve our prisoner of his clothes," Celestia ordered.

"Right away, your highness." The chains keeping the Joker tied up disintegrated and with a flourish of magic while the Joker's clothing was ripped from his body, leaving him with just a pair of heart covered boxers.

"Oh, my, my, looks like someone is indecent. Not like you ponies aren't already, walking along nude to the world," the Joker said, faking sheepishness while trying to hide his more revealed form.

Thank god the Joker at least had his boxers on, because the sight of his naked flesh could make both humans and ponies grimace in disgust. After living through countless supposed deaths from gunshots, fatal falls, bombs, and stab wounds, his body was pockmarked with scars galore. The even more disturbing aspect was that his sickly white skin prevent his wounds from healing properly, so each scar was the same color white as his skin. Add onto the fact that his distorted body shape made his chest too wide, his hips too narrow, and both his arms and legs into long, insect like limbs. It was a sickening fuse of a malnourished clown stretched at all sides that was run over by a truck, repeatedly.

Celestia couldn't help her eyes from nearly popping out of their sockets. "Y-your skin. It's not..."

"Makeup," the Joker finished her sentence. "Nope, this is me, all natural. Not too bad looking, if I don't say so myself." The Joker flexed his misshapen muscles, which was received with a multitude of gags from the guard ponies.

"But, that isn't possible. You don't have fur, and skin color never gets that unnaturally white."

"Sunny buns, I am an impossibility. Hair doesn't get this green in my world. And I don't believe you've met anyone with choppers like mine?" The Joker gave an example by smiling ever so wide, his face muscles set on overtime as they stretched and stretched and stretched. His sickly, yellow teethed grin covered most of his face, so much so Celestia was positive she could fit her entire head in that mouth.

"J-just stop that!" she blurted, her face turning green from nauseating view. While this was a very unprincess like remark, she could barely hold what was left of her lunch just by looking at the Joker. "Armor, get him in the jumpsuit and lock him up! Now!"

"Right away!" Shining replied, an orange jumpsuit already levitating in the air. In a matter of seconds the Joker was fit in the jumpsuit, which looked like it is a patchwork of any orange material they had at hand. It hung loosely to his skinny frame, but the Joker had no time to examine it any longer. A magical field whisked in behind the bars, and a click sound signaled his jail cell was now locked.

Shining started barking orders to the other guards in the room, a group of four unicorns. "Listen up! I want two of you in here at all times keeping an eye on him! I want the other two outside the door, making sure nothing comes in or out unless I give the say so! Understand?"

All four unicorns answered with salute and a, "Sir, yes sir!"

"Good... I also want him chained up. Magic ones, so he can't break out of them again."

"I'm on it, Captain," one of the unicorns guards said, his horn glowing a bright green which quickly produced a pair of magical cuffs on the Joker.

"Okay, if anypony needs me, I'll be sleeping for the next two days," Shining said, dragging his hooves and the Joker's clothes out of the room.

"I'll think I'll join you on that idea," Celestia added, glad to finally be rid of the mad clown. "I'll return later to talk about what your future holds, Joker."

"If it's anything like my past, then it'll be filled with candy and suppressed memories of my childhood. Usually in that order," the Joker said, his ever present laughter escaping from his lips.

"I'm walking on sunshine , wooah. I'm walking on sunshine, woooah. I'm walking on sunshine, woooah. And don't it feel good!" the Joker sang, for the fifth-sixth time. The guards have been counting, since the Joker had been singing that same verse over, and over, and over again because he forgot the rest of the lyrics of the song. Now both guards were contemplating whether to kill the freak and face the consequences later, rather than sit by and here him sing that same, damn, verse yet again. Luckily for them, a knock on the door prevented their deaths.

"Get it so giant yap over there will give it a rest," one guard ordered, his focus always on the Joker since it was his magic keeping his cuffs on.

"Sure thing," the other guard replied, opening the door, revealing a smartly dressed unicorn mare with a topaz mane and emerald green coat.

"Please to meet you. I'm Ms. Evergreen, and I do believe I was led here for a therapy session with an inmate of yours?" she asked, fixing the large, cliché, bookish type glasses she wore.

"Joker, your shrink is here!" the guard shouted, indicating with a nod of his head for her to enter. She sheepishly did so, her eyes fixated on the creature before her. She had gotten reports on the criminal known as the Joker, as well as him being the only human ever seen before. Quite frankly, she was awestruck at the opportunity presented before her. Not only the chance to survey an entirely different species, but to also do a psychoanalysis on him too.

Making her way forward to the cell housing the Joker, she was instantly put off by a certain aspect of his appearance. That smile. "Well, well, well, looks like ol' Jokey here has a new playmate," he crackled, licking his ruby red lips like a new meal was presented before him. He was seated in the chair bolted in the middle of the room, the chair clearly not made for humans since his legs nearly reached his chin when he was sitting. "So, in the catch phrase oriented way of greeting someone in the medical profession, what's up doc?"

"Um, well, I was hired by the princess to examine you. She did tell about this, right?" she asked nervously.

"Ah, she was running her mouth on about crimes this and justice that. I much preferred Bat's little speeches. Short, sweet, and to the point of him punching me in the face until I fall into fairyland! Bahahaha!"

"Well then, I guess we can begin on some easy to answer questions to get a basis of your mental level. First off, name?"

"The Joker. With a capital J!" he cried out.

"I was thinking of your real name. The Joker is more of a title."

He began tapping his pointy chin in thought. "I don't have a real name. Or I did. Don't remember. Began with a J is all I can recall. So in a publicity stunt where I killed a bunch of people with some toxic laugh gas and left my calling card of the Jack of Hearts, the Joker stuck."

"Y-you killed people?" she asked, horrified at the notion of murder. Ponies were a relatively peaceful race, and murder is a rare occasion. She had heard that he committed some crimes, but the palace secret service kept a tight lip on what exactly he did.

"Killed, tortured, butchered, massacred, poison, terminated, eliminated, annihilated, something else that ends in nated. I've done it all, seen it all, tasted it all, and smelted every bit of it! I even recorded a good chunk of my more gruesome works on my MP3 player in case I want to listen to some tunes!"

"Well then, what about your age?" she asked, hoping that whatever he just said was a lie crafted by his broken mind.

"Square root of negative two thousand twenty-seven to the four and a half power."

"... let's skip that one for now. How about occupation?"

"Duh, can't you already see what I do for a living?" he asked, pointing to his white as snow face and puke green hair. The deadpan look on Ms. Evergreen's face made the Joker facepalm in frustration. "I'm an insurance salesman! It's so obvious!"

"Um... okay then," she said, a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach which probably meant she bit off more than she could chew when she took this job. "How about any relatives of ours? Care to speak more about your family?"

"My family is dead. I'm pretty sure. No, no one could've survived that long underwater. I made sure of that," he whispered to himself.

"O-o-okay th-then. Why d-don't you tell m-me about your... childhood!" she said, hoping a tale from his past might lead of the path of immoral behavior he was talking about. She wasn't sure if he was making up half the stuff he was talking about, but maybe avoiding any more violent memories can lead to more serious questions.

"Hmm, I guess I'l start off on my earliest memory. Kindergarden," he sighed, a content look returning to his features and his smile relaxing to one not so demented. "I even remember the first day, too. We were having some cookies and milk in the playground, and I was playing with some dinosaur toys. Good times, good times."

"Excellent!" Ms. Evergreen said, elated that he was showing a more calmness. "Anything else you would like to share."

"Well, while I was playing with my toys dinosaurs, some kid named Billy wanted to play with them too. So I shoved them down his throat!" he yelled, making hand gestures to better explain his grisly act. "Then I made T-rex noises so all the other kids will know who's boss! Raaah!"

"M-maybe w-we should switch t-to a d-different topic?" she stuttered.

"What, no way! You wanted my childhood, so I'm going to do exactly what I did to Billy. Shove it down your throat, and let the ambulance sort out the consequences later." His devilish grin grew to a new level of psychotic as he walked over to the bars separating him from the unicorn, the only protection she had against the cutthroat, homicidal maniac before her. "Now, let's move on to the Kindergarden. That's where I learned the capacity a body can take chocolate milk before it finally bursts!"

"... and that's why I don't use crushed glass anymore," the Joker concluded, twirling a loose strand of his green hair.

"Oh dear Celestia, I'm going to be sick!" Ms. Evergreen screamed, practically flying out of the room as she busted the door off its hinges. A few seconds later she made good on her outburst, the Joker chuckling at the sounds of vomit splattering against the wall.

The two guards were shaking in fright, one of them already emptying his stomach halfway through Joker's story while the other was close behind him. "Hey, we've only gotten past middle school! I haven't even gotten to my crazier stories yet!" the Joker called after her, crackling madly.

"H-he has w-worst stories than that?" one guard asked his partner, his face a sickly shade of green.

"I don't wanna know man, I don't wanna know," the other replied, returning from the corner while wiping his mouth.

"Well, since my therapist isn't available, let me tell you two about my weekend in Florida," the Joker said to the guards, leaning back in his chair with his head held high. "It was there that I learned that a man can indeed be eaten whole by a crocodile. I never believed it in the movies, but I have to say, I now know it's highly accurate. Course, they have to rip you into chunks first..."

Both guards fell to their respective corners, puking their guts out.

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