A Fading Fire

leafz pegasus

leafz pegasus #1 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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I would add this to a group if I were you, it can boost your story's popularity. I would suggest the group Spitfire.

OtterMatt

OtterMatt #2 · Oct 22nd, 2012 · · ·

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Alright, bucko, you asked for it, so here it comes!
POTENTIAL BADFIC CHECKLIST IS A GO!!

Potential Badfic Checklist™ (v2.3)
By OtterMatt - TWE's Resident Master of Music
Pre-read
Picture of an OC in General Zoi's ponymaker or MSPaint
Nonsense salad of genre tags
Synopsis that is too long or explains the plot
Summary is full of gramatical errors
Appeal for kindness or first fic excuse
Drawing attention to the writing rather than the story
Multiple chapters under 900 words

In-story
Atrocious grammar
Absent spelling
Boring sentence construction
Wanton cruelty to the common comma
Main character who makes me want to shoot him
Plot that has no business being set in Equestria
Wall-o-text syndrome

Insta-kills
Use of an unjustified alicorn
Unoriginal Human/Brony-in-Equestria
Author insert or wish-fulfilment story
Canon ponies acting wildly out of character
Black-Hole Sue Syndrome

Rating: 4/5 Pinkies

Verdict:
p.twimg.com/A01XtVOCcAA9MPh.jpg:thumb

Some ending thoughts...
Okay, look up. See all that green up there? That's awesome. I'm not joking, you're well on your way to being a fairly good writer.
NOW, the things that need work:
1) The synopsis is NOT the place for Author's Notes. People are about to read your story and judge it, why would you put it in their heads that it wouldn't be any good before they've even started? A/N goes at the end of the story, or you can hijack your own first comment before you get the story approved and put it there (my personal preference).
2) The characters are all fairly realistic in how they interact, but the pacing makes it seem a bit stilted. Parts of the story race while parts of it drag out, and just in general, what I would say is that it all just needs more detail. Probably somewhere in the neighborhood of another 1000 words would do this story a world of good. That being said, don't get caught up in how long or short your story is. When you've been writing for a little while longer, you'll get a feel for how long it should be before you start, but the correct length is exactly how many words it takes to tell the story well. No more, no less.
3) Here's one example of a problem area:

Despite the fact that they were the only flight team ponies knew of, there were other teams, like The Shadowbolts but nopony ever cared about them, mainly because they only performed in the Everfree forest and they could be quite mean.

Too laconic. That whole "but nopony ever cared about them" part just picks up the reader's immersion and breaks it over its knee. If you're writing a story in that conversational style, then it has to be consistant, but if you aren't then it has no place being there. This trend continues, where comments like that get dropped into what is ostensibly a serious story.
Also, commas are tricky, but if you find yourself a good editor, they can help you get a handle on them. The above sentence, when fixed, reads more like thusly:

Despite the fact that they were the only flight team ponies knew of, there were other teams. The Shadowbolts were one, but nopony ever cared about them; mainly because they only performed in the Everfree forest and they could be quite mean.

See the difference? The way you wrote it implies that ALL the other teams perform only in the Everfree and have bad attitudes. Even when fixed, though, it begs the question: why mention other teams if nopony has ever heard of them?

So, I guess to wrap up, I would go find an editor. There's several forums dedicated to precisely that here in the FiMFiction groups page, and barring all else, there are similar forums around the web that can help. Once you get the nuts-and-bolts of writing nailed down better, you've got some potential there, just keep reading it back to yourself, checking for pacing and emotion.
djotter.blossers.net/TWE%20Badge.png

Som3_Pony

Som3_Pony #3 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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1487614
Thanks for the suggestion, will do!
1487735
Thank you so much for this! It really helps me to know what I need to change/improve upon.

leafz pegasus

leafz pegasus #4 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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It appears as though you followed my advice, your story is now in the Spitfire group

Ira

Ira #5 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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1. Interesting story, I liked it
2. I did not completly read OtterMatts comment so excuse me if things are mentioned again.

To the story itself:
- There are some minor issues with wrong words. While in context it is clear what you want to say they still are a bit confusing. At least they are to me as i am not a native english speaker. I mean stuff like:

If you hadn’t heard of The Wonderbolts then their was something seriously wrong with you.

Sadly, the duo’s performance was coming to an end, but with that end came the finally Spitfire had come to love.

But just a minor issue.
- While the story itself is written quite vivid, the end (especially the last 2-3 paragraphs) seems a bit shallow. It feels like you try to force the story to end there when it would be better to describe the scene/emotions a bit more lenghtly.

Som3_Pony

Som3_Pony #6 · Oct 23rd, 2012 · · ·

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1492076
Thanks for the feedback! I agree with you on the ending, should have put more into it.

SolidFire

SolidFire #7 · Apr 16th, 2013 · 1 · ·

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This was a great little story. I read this on my I-pod. I really wish that I would stop reading sad stories that have Spitfire die. I love this story though. Great job writing this. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

Som3_Pony

Som3_Pony #8 · Apr 29th, 2013 · · ·

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2436130 Thanks! I never expected anyone to look at this story again I won't be posting anything anytime soon though because I'm in the process of writing a short novel for school but I'll start again when I can!