A brony gets his lifelong dream: He's in Equestria. Exited, he sets off, only to find something is... amiss. Something is different about the mane six. Undeterred, he tries to makes the best of the situation he's now trapped in, but what will he do about the six mare he knows nothing about? And more importantly, how will the mane six react to hearing about who they could have been?
Here's my idea for a spin on the usual HiE fic. Any criticism or advice helps.
Credit to: notMurphy for letting me work with his story "A Minor Variation", Inspired_Light for cover art
Chapters (7)
Me in my haste to submit this I forgot to mention something. The main character is based on me. Any experiences or otherwise that apply to him actually happened to me. Eg. camp staffer.
Cool story so far!
I score it five out of five mustaches!
Looks promising. Have a thumbs for now!
i will check this so far it looks like it could be great
It was fair, especially as a first attempt at writing a story.
Your biggest issue is (obviously) dialogue. You include quite a bit of description... up until the characters start talking. As soon as that happens, it seems your ability to describe what's happening flies out the window! People (and ponies) don't "just talk," they pace, they gesture, their facial expressions change, and other things happen in between (that may or may not (temporarily) interrupt the dialogue); try to incorporate a lot more of this--and don't just say something like "the shocked expressions where priceless," tell the readers why they're priceless.
Off the more technical side of things, I don't see why Caleb would go so far with the "acting non-brony" thing as to talk about horses and ponies not being able to talk... That position doesn't seem to "provide" anything that simply "going along with the idea and finding talking ponies not surprising" wouldn't also do; unless, perhaps, the ponies realize later that it's suspicious how he didn't find their talking as surprising as they found his if he's supposedly used to ponies that can't talk? Also, when Caleb stated he came from a place where ponies can't talk, why didn't Dianne and Rarity become instantly suspicious, or at least inquisitive, of this "place where ponies don't talk"?
Also, I think you meant "fangs" instead of "teeth"; that, and though we don't have "fangs," humans still have sharp canines... Though I suppose any change there would result in a complete rework of the last two-thirds of this chapter (which may or may not be warranted
)...
1494400 Sir, I credit you for pointing out these flaws. No one can learn without knowing what mistakes they've made. That being said, I'll try to improve on those points.
To everyone else, don't be afraid to speak up if you see something that should be changed or improved.
Interesting...
One suggestion - the last paragraph of this chapter could easily be done from Caleb's perspective:
Before drifting off to sleep he wondered "what is going on with these ponies? Why is Pinkie going by her middle name? Why is Rarity's hair so short? Just what am I getting himself Into? Maybe this will all make more sense tomorrow."
Make the character's thoughts work for you. They can express things the reader wouldn't expect the Narrator to discuss, or break up monotonous segments (just know that like any tool they can be overused too).
All in all, good show.
Hope to see more.
I like this as well. Looking forward to more!
Intredasting. I do like the fact that you never mucked about with Jace's actual waking up IN Equestria, and having him be smart and take the unorthodox method of pretending not to know anything.
I'll track this. Lead on, Sandvich man.
1542584 I will get to that point in time eventually (probably after Jace comes clean).
Looking good
...seems like you're getting up to speed.
you might want to add 'open' to the sentence - assuming Di didn't just annihilate the library's main entrance.
Good on you for making up your own sound-words (onomatopoeia), that always feels a little more genuine to me ("Gagh" has a great sound to it).
You might use 'ponies' here instead.
1543243 on your first note, I was trying to stress the severity of how it opened. On your second note, I changed it. Thanks for pointing that out!
Glad to see you've updated.
...pegusai.
Pegasus is singular. Pegasii is plural.
And I second the sentiment!
1566188 thanks for the tip!
I wonder what 'Bloom had planned...
Huh, so either Flutters knew more than she was letting on, or she asked the others and was let in on the plan.
So far so good, Jace doesn't come off as either a super-genius or a moron, but like a believable human being.
This was a good chapter, and I like how you set it up.
Now Jace has some freedom of motion, but he's not in the clear just yet - nopony in authority knows about him...
Hehe. Lyra and Hands. :P
Some things never change. :D
For just an idea off the top of your head, this is great, but Rainbow Dash still bother's me... Is she crippled? Is she a maid? I don't know and I WANT TO KNOW!
1609633
She's actually an artist and an inventor, in the universe that the author is basing this off of.
1611447 Thank you, now I can just wait for more chapters.
"...an REI store..."
hmm, seems legit.
A bit flighty, but that makes sense, Jace would be trying not to get overwhelmed and at the same time want to see EVERYTHING.
I still don't get how he knows the show and seen that he's not in that dimension but in one with role reversals, so why is he still fucking acting like a dumbass? eh whatever writing purposes I guess, keep going
So this means sweetie Bella is a orpan right?
1858535 Have you read the origional story yet?
Can't say I have
A flashmob huh?
Seems Legit
yay
>Chapter 7 was posted January 3, 2013
>Sandvich Brony was last online September 4, 2021
Guess this was canned...