There are some creatures that are forgotten or never known about, back when Equestria was just starting and the Princesses had just begun to rule there was another species unknown to them. The humans, they were an old race that had been around much longer than the ponies. However one day they were wiped out. Only one lives a young boy named Sean, the last human.
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Here is what Nicol Bolas looks like
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1465574
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1468620
Clever
Oh for the record my characters look is supposed to be the same as Envy from Fullmetal Alchemist
1469001 Kokusho é»ē“, Keiga äŗ¬ę²³, Ryusei ęµę. Google Translator gives Black ???, River Kyoto, and Meteor. But the names are taken from dragons from the Magic: the Gathering expansion Champions of Kamigawa, which had a Japanese legend-inspired fantasy setting. (Full name of the cards: Kokusho, the Evening Star; Keiga, the Tide Star; Ryusei, the Falling Star)
TWE's Scribblestick here with my helpful writing tips!
Well, Evil Homer beat me to this one, but I'll see if I can add anything.
So the most obvious problem I can see is your character. It sounds like he came out of a Final Fantasy game based on his wardrobe, and while there's nothing wrong with that, I've always thought Square Enix outfits were a little impractical. His abilities are the real drawback. As Evil Homer noted, he's too powerful, so any combat situation automatically lacks any tension or purpose.
While on that subject, I thought Celestia returned his powers too quickly. Actually, I thought she accepted him too quickly. Unless she's heard about the witch he defeated, I don't see a reason why she should pay any particular attention to him. It would probably be more compelling for your character to spend more time without his powers. Unless Celestia's spell is a cure-all for any and all ailments inflicted by potions, she's going to need to ask what the potion did to give him the right antidote, and based on how over-powered he is, I doubt she'd be willing to restore all his powers without some kind of proof that he won't become a murdering psychopath.
Then there's his personality. He doesn't seem to have one. I don't know what he wants, what his goals are, what he fears, how he thinks, anything. Those are the things that make a character interesting, so I suggest trying to answer those questions - not through exposition ("He's afraid of spiders and wants to find more humans") but through description and through his actions and words.
The story on a whole could use more description, particularly with the settings. What does the human colony look like? What about the town? Even Canterlot, which we've all seen in the show, could use some description. This will help paint a picture for the reader and draw them in.
Well, I'm off to write a report about politics. Hope this helps!
~Scribblestick, TWE reviewer
1469973
Thanks for that, although your translations are a little off.
Kokusho would be "Black Miasma"
Keiga appears to be "Eastern River"
And we all agree on what Ryusei means.
1470059 I thought she accepted him and fixed him too quick to but i had no ideas there so i figured get to where the ideas are. as for the character and his personality i worked on it and in the next chapter he should have more of one. Last the overpowered thing is i think kind of fun. he is some ridiculously powered creature he knows it and loves it.
I'm gonna give you a piece of advice, your character from the start is what is known as a Gary Stu. What that means is that you have created a character who is overpowered to the point in which he is unlikeable. This happens a lot with new writer's but it will kill your story. Don't make your character overpowered or tragically bad at life, no one will relate to it. I would recommend rewriting this story a bit to be more palpable. Or try again with another work. Ask around for advice on OC creation. Don't give up tho!
1473108 OK thanks for the advice i will work on that.
magic the gathering really?
1474460 Yes
1474475 indeed M.T.G. is awsome
no clue why so many people dislike this. Happened to me too. I guess people just read the first few sentences and if they hate it they click the dislike button without reading the rest. But i enjoy it. and i liked it :D
1476310 Thanks i was feeling a bit dejected from all the dislikes
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No problem mate. Although I wish the people here were like the ones on Fanfiction.net At least there they dont have a reveiw bar, and tend to leave DECENT comments about mistakes and other things. And yes im also on that site Jack_The_Epic. Not trying to advertise.
Interesting story, and even though it's not for me, I'll give up green thumb. I simply dislike stories where humans require help with anything, in my opinion humans are self made gods. I would give humans a week before they came up with anti-magic EMP technology, but otherwise cool story, you should work on editing it a bit more though.
Sorry about how short this one is the next will be a bit better.
1483183 and it beter be kinda soon cus i wus cheking fimfiction for updates and i saw 1 update on the favorites thing but it wus just this shity boring pice of crap capter -_-
1483550 Yeah sorry, this was just to get his view on the holidays out of the way.
1465574 OK I HAVE OFFICIALLY SHAT OUT MY HEART
LAWL bully get ownt
1484737 k
ANOTHER short one come on this is geting to be a realy boring story
1486217 don't worry we have a fight coming
well thats still kinda boring seeing as sean is unkillable -_- and why did you pick the irish spelling of shawn anyways?
1487621 Well first i went with that spelling because that is how my name is spelled. Second this fight will be different from the others this will hopefully be more interesting. and sorry to say but this is not an action story, if you have ideas to make it more interesting tell me i am open to suggestions
1487876 hmmm well one of the chapters you could have bolas return tp try and rivive the humans maybey :P idk
1488123 I dunno about that.
1488158 ya thats why i put a derpy at the end
1508666 Is that a good thing?
yes
I have no idea why so Manu people don't like this story :/
I find it quite good my self and have previously liked it
1525855 Thanks your comments are always helpful to make me feel good about my story
1525933 If only more people were like that with mine, it gets to you. But I digress, great chapter, can't wait for more!
lol 'diplomacy'
celestia you bitch...
one werd...PWNT
as i said last chapter...PWNT
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bleh Politics
Why are there more dislikes than likes? I thinks its a good story
HA Celestia is aftaid of ICE! So i guessing if you put an ice cube in her drink she will FTFO*
*Flip The Fuck Out