Chaos Patrol C

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That One Strange Fellow

That One Strange Fellow #1 · April 25th · · · 1- An Oasis of Love and Friendship ·

You wanted a comment? Okay.

Crossover

Huh. Original crossover, or specific verse? Description didn't say.

You read through as an EUP officer, an operator under Chaos Patrol, an enforcer and a seeker of knowledge.

It took far too long to figure out what you were talking about. I get it now, this story is in first-person. I would suggest not stating that outright, instead focus on giving a taste of the story like you did immediately after. People will find out it's first-person at the start of the story. If there is anything to know about the character, it is your job, as the author, to setup the reader in the main text itself. The long description is to tease, excite, and inform. If the long description were to be ignored/removed, would it impact the reader's comprehension at all? Something to ask.

Not the worst I've seen, but something to keep in mind.

I solemnly swear to uphold the virtues of harmony. I submit myself to the holy guiding principles of the state and friendship. The value of magic is never-changing and is kept in order by my will alone.

And please don't tense-switch in the same segment! (And if it's a quote, mark it appropriately with quotation marks: "")

But without further ado, time to get into the actual story...

[FIRST SCENE]

This better go somewhere soon...

I rattle the doorknob on my new office softly to open it and get inside, but it doesn’t budge; it’s locked.

Present-tense. Alright. Let's see how that goes for you. Most people use past-tense due to far more works being written with it, but there have been successful stories with present-tense. It is a different style, one generally considered to be more difficult to pull off.

My punch is strong just enough to satiate my anger

Missed comma between 'strong' and 'just.'

...lean my head on it. The wooden door is surprisingly comfy.

Rather than 'it,' you can actually combine these sentences. "...lean my head on the surprisingly comfortable door." I say this because the lone sentence was stilted.

Her hair from the front was mostly covered by the gray flat top hat she was wearing, but it was undeniably rainbow colored. What an odd choice. On her top was a brown leather bomber jacket. Her waist was surrounded by two holsters: one for a knife, one for a pistol. The pistol was standard issue, the knife was not. Her pupils were dilated, and she was clearly on something.

Annnnnd it fell apart. Pick either present-tense or past-tense and stick with it. Occasional 'maybe tense' are expected, but this was entirely past-tense despite it being an active observation.

As for what was said itself, it was a very sluggish paragraph. Six sentences, not including the one before and the five after. While I'm not going to say not all of them are justified (like the last three in the paragraph), keep in mind reading flow. A period is a stop. It forces adjustment of pacing. Unlike commas, which are merely a momentary pause. Coupled with longer sentences, it gives a far more fluid experience to those who are reading. I can see a few ways to improve the flow of the paragraph, but something likewise to keep in mind going forward.

I asked, suspicious, this woman was obviously a colleague yet she approached someone unknown with a smile on her face.

Swapped to past-tense full-time now? I guess I'll see how long that lasts...

The sentence itself needs a break. Put a period before 'this,' or something.

I’m Rainbow Dash, Senior Operator, Cloudsdalian Nationalist, a fan of Daring-Do books. And always looking for an adventure.

A little heavy-handed for the introduction, but I'm willing to overlook this... for now.

, if anything, it got a bit bigger.

"PERIOD If anything, blah blah" Sometimes commas are also a detriment.

Who is this woman telling me what to do? I will not be cowed by this incredibly strong display of stupidity. I thought it would suck but if everything is going to be like this, I may just end it all already.

NOPE! Stop. Stop right there! PICK A TENSE! I don't care if it's past, present, hay, I don't even care if you somehow manage future! Throw it under different context to separate the tenses, like using italics for personal thoughts and present-tense but the rest past-tense, or something like that. But pick only one!

STRIKE 1

‘’Come onnn, don’t leave me hanging, we’re all supposed to be friends here.’’ She said, wiggling her open hand infront of my face.
Bah! Of course. Friendship, eugh. I could just leave her like this and try to find who has my key by asking around or just plain searching, but I don’t think either of those options will yield much of anything; I don’t want to be late to whatever I have to do. I have rent to pay, can’t afford the deductions. I heard that Twilight is a real stuck up bitch. As much as I hate this and my will is crushed by this woman. I have no choice but to comply.

Oh, look at that, all the problems I've mentioned in two paragraphs!

But most importantly... The tense switch.

STRIKE 2

‘’Jeez fine, be a sourpuss, you gotta find Rarity. Her place is at the end of the corridor, the one with the biggest and shiniest door, can’t miss it.’’ She pointed to wherever I was supposed to go.
Not wanting to prolong my time with this junkie; I immediately left and moved to the door, ignoring whatever idiot was trying to say hello or make conversation with me.

STRIKE 3

Okay, I'll give it one... more... Wait, what did that opening scene have to do with anything?

STRIKE 4

...

Perhaps it seems a little harsh, but I'm stopping here. It's hardly anywhere into the story, I still don't know what is going to happen (outside that awful info dump) or what crossover this is, but if the tense is going to fluctuate all over the place, I don't want to subject my eyes to it for 10k words. Sorry. Maybe if it was 5k or 6k I would be willing to bite the pillow to get it done, but 10k is patience testing for a quality review.

I'll be honest, I've made the same mistake more times than I can count. One of my stories last year was horrendous for tense switching. Not even I wanted to read it without taking out the proverbial pen to fix it. It's a matter of knowing what to look for when writing and editing. It takes practice to reduce tense switches when actively writing, but it's fine if some squeak through only to be caught in editing. Once published, however, it reflects directly on the quality of the story for the readers. Pick one tense as the main one, and avoid ever switching it outside dialogue (there are some cases I find acceptable, but I won't get into those).

Other quality-control matters... A little heavy on the use of semi-colons, sometimes unfortunate use of both periods and commas in directing the flow, no spelling mistakes I could see, and I could understand the grammar and meaning even if sometimes the Period-Comma War distracted. Not bad. Not 'passable' by my standards, but not so bad as to give me a headache.

As for what I read... Eh. Could probably do with a little more setting setup. I do have questions about the world, but that is merely curiosity. Since I didn't get far enough in, I don't know what to expect. Perhaps you describe more of the building after (I see there is some description just from skimming). Maybe the opening could have felt more 'full' if it built up to their frustrated attempt to gain access to their office, or maybe they could have provided some light description of the hallway. It didn't need a lot, in my opinion.

My overall rating for these opening 850-ish words isn't horrible. It could do with touch-ups (and removal of that opening scene which actively hinders the start of the story), obviously the tense switching was the worst of it, and you do present some intriguing possibilities for the roles of the Mane 6 in this Alt. Universe. Not a complete loss. If the storyline quality is good (I wouldn't know based on the limited sample), it's more the prose to work on, which is definitely fixable.

Anyway, hope you found this helpful and enjoyed getting a comment!

ulcuran

ulcuran #2 · April 25th · · · 1- An Oasis of Love and Friendship ·

12167447
Even if you didn't enjoy the 850 words you've read, thank you for taking the time out of your life for it and reading the horrendous ways I've put the words together to form this jumbled mess of a story. I hope you read the rest of it, but I can't force you. I wouldn't force myself either.

nameundetermined