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TheWordOfWaffles
Hello! I'm delighted you chose to visit me, I hope you enjoy my silly little words.
TheWordOfWaffles
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Damn wasn't expecting this much Gore😂😂 but good start so far
Welp, that's an instant follow. Let me read the rest (probably tomorrow), and I'll write something a bit more in-depth.
12183822
The absolute worst part is this is a mildly toned down version of what I had originally planned on going with, but it felt like too much.
Well... this tickles my interest...
Yep. I'm sold.
Great beginning so far, with some work ahead for our MC. Counselling? Definitely. Culldings? Undoubtedly. Love? Much needed.
Ponies of the FAR future will ask, "Why is there a town on this map? There is no town there." Well...y'know what happened to it.
Honestly one of the more interesting starts, and alicorn body.
Is he like a Phoenix?
Would he literally cumbust in anger?
The obvious stuff that will be answered in time.
Oh God
This is very interesting and I hope to see more of it! Two chapters a month is a reasonable pace, definitely
...
But I WANT MORE!
Seriously though! The MC seems very mature and kind even to the one who did all that to him; genuinely selfless, caring most for the other children, to have them safe. I'm not sure if it was trauma causing that or if it's his nature, but I really liked how introduced his character.
He also seems like a phoenix, both in name and magic as well as...Well, some of the things I saw here reminded me of the phoenix song or phoenix tears as regarded in Harry Potter, which I assume was based on some older myth. His words could sooth with ease, perhaps provoke with ease, and he could not be truly felled. rising from the ashes of old, still who he was, perhaps closer to his flame...
Although my idea did not completely fit when considering he did cry, it kind of does if we consider he said "he doesn't know how to" before that. On a metaphorical level, perhaps, his tears shed on celestia healed her of something.
...
Or perhaps they healed himself...Or even the mare in charge, by having her checked out.
I like it. I like it a lot. And I look forward to him meeting Philomena and what may come of it. Will she fly to him, adore him? Will she not understand him? Acknowledge him?
12183921
I don't know if this is good or bad news to you but I'm working on chapter 7 right now lmao. I just need to proofread and edit 4, 5, and 6.
Jesus Christ its Jesus Christ!
You could say it Immortalized your immolization.
12183927
Yay!
Why would it be bad news?
A couple places you say dessert instead of desert. while an ice cream sundae would be preferable i doubt that's what you meant.
harsh cold open. I'm glad you warned me.
Oof.
Wing nubs on Discipline, too, I guess?
12184004
ctrl+f just shows it in the one place it's meant to be? Which is Ash intentionally making a joke to himself about how deserts make him think of desserts because of how closely together they are spelled.
12184091
Quite right!
Flying banana isn't a sign of magic
IT'S A SIGN OF GOD!
All Hail His Golden peel!
12184122
sorry. thats my brain mis-processing. happens sometimes.
12184219
Life be like that sometimes. Thanks for speaking out about an error you saw though!
Heh, and then he straight up faint!
Thank you for writing !
my brain simulations made me think about emesis Blue and the whole being reborn in fire thing
on second thought that seems pretty accurate, with his regeneration working like fire in reverse it can be concluded that he has pyromancy and a form of chronomancy and in emesis Blue the mysterious respawn machine does mess with time (and there's already plenty of fire)
12183970
Alliteration appeals!
This is hot, hot opening.
Oh boy, a new chapter!
Moar please! =D
I'm a bit surprised Celestia didn't feel a Colt entering the Plane of Ascension. Just an odd plot hole if it really is one.
“Ok, you can move things with your mind. That doesn’t mean magic is real.”
‘The banana turns into a baby bird and flies out the window’
"..."
I look forward to him seeing her raise the sun... and to him finding out that she's a princess. Not sure why they're hiding that from him to be honest.
12184385
Without spoilers/lore dumping this AU is centered on a magic system that encompasses many of the odd things present. Theoretically she totally could have noticed it in the 'thaum' but it's like trying to listen to a particular cricket in a massive field. Not impossible, especially given that's one big cricket, but still just another cricket.
Okay, my interest in this story is hooked.
You got me
12184385
Even the best miss some things, and that's even assuming how they became an alicorn.
Loving the sisterly tension going on, so angsty, comforting, relatable all rolled into one!
First off, welcome to the male alicorn colt OCs in generally terrible starting situations club! We don't have group meetings or anything, but it feels like there's a camaraderie between us who write these stories. Or it might just be me
Probably just me.
Anyway, I'm back, as promised for a more in-depth comment. Buckle up, it'll be a long one.
Lotta gore in the first chapter, which might be a bit of a turn off for some readers, but it captured the kind of banal acceptance of the routine of torture Discipline put Ash through on the regular. Its almost like its not even torture anymore, just a regular thing. I'd have liked a bit more of a description of the mare doing the torturing, but I suppose this is just so commonplace he doesn't even notice her either.
I enjoy the characterization of Ash so far, given his propensity for self-sacrifice on behalf of the other children.
Couple of questions for the Prologue:
Bleak is one word for this situation.
Did she let the appendages fully grow back before removing them again? And had Discipline removed Ash's wings prior to ascension? Did he lose his knowledge of how to read/write English, or does Equus use a different written language? Does breaking a horn hurt more or less than sawing it off?
I get the feeling that his magic is pretty much completely optimized for self-healing due to these experiences, and he will consequently have a very hard time turning his magic to any other purpose.
I also confess that I wonder what Discipline does with the severed parts. just toss them in the trash?
Ch. 2
I don't think the only creatures likely to break in to the castle AND would need to be stealthy about it (changelings) would need to steal a set of armor for a disguise, but it is unclear if the changelings are a problem at this point.
I do have to wonder if we'll be seeing more of Protective Care going forward. She seems kind, even if she does come across as having ulterior motives when she presents the idea of an orphanage visit to Celestia. Sure, it's an altruistic ulterior motives, but it still feels kind of dishonest. Was she planning on bringing up the orphanage if the Princess refused her audience or responded negatively to her request?
If this is how hard Discipline goes after Ash, it feels like a miracle that no other foal (that we know of) had been killed.
I'm not sure Ash was correct in his assessment that he's just a child in her eyes. To me, it seems like he's a punching bag that just won't die that she can vent her anger and frustration on.
Still, it hurts to read how he's accepted his circumstances, with a stoic mindset determined to endure. Better him than someone else.
I almost want to facepalm at Celestia's naivete regarding the potential misdemeanors of Eager Discipline. As we know, her crimes go far beyond mere thievery of confections. It feels a bit incongruous given her thousands of years of experience, but then again, she may simply be hoping for the best here.
Nice characterization on Cello and Lulu at the end there.
Ch. 2
The shed is called dilapidated, but later, Celestia notes that the shed is well maintained. Sad that Sweet Scent is not likely to discover her talent here, but hopefully she has a chance later on at the Orphanage of Happiness instead of the current Orphanage of Despair. Ash's characterization is pretty strong throughout this chapter, and he has many admirable traits, even if being too self-sacrificial is one of them.
As the heads of the government, aren't the princesses technically allowed to go into any public or government-owned building at any point? Do orphanages need to be specified in this?
I'm sure it doesn't hurt that the foals will likely love Luna forever for saving them from their current misery. Celestia's potential scenarios seem unbearably naive, or perhaps just overly hopeful. Much worse things are happening here. Kinda feels like the foals would welcome being foalnapped from this place. At least they might get a decent meal for perhaps the first time ever.
Why does Celestia assume a griffon? It could be any non-pony creature.
Wasn't he absolutely savagely beaten at the end of the last chapter? Did none of his bones get broken during that?
His conversation with Celestia really tugged at my heartstrings, as well as the whole scene where he had compassion for Eager Discipline, despite all the terrible things she has done to him. Its more kindness than she deserves. At least we have the context that the same thing had happened to her, but still. At least it only happened to her once. She's done this to Ash for months at least. These things are not equal.
Well done!
Ch.3
When did Gentle Care get here? I though it was Protective Care that was at the Orphanage of Despair?
Lulu didn't notice the horn? I'm not sure how she could think he could still have a good life when most pegasi would probably rather not survive the loss of their wings.
Shouldn't she also extract promises from Eager Discipline and the other 'caretakers?' Assuming their trial will be public and they aren't just getting sent straight to the moon?
Was the mare jealous of Celestia or Ash?
Given Ash's state, the guards should not be surprised that Discipline absolutely brutalized him. Nice to see the guards have personalities that I'll be looking forward to getting to know.
The sisterly sniping was funny too. Honestly, unless Cello has been celibate for the past millennia, the probability of her having a foal is low, but not zero.
Man, Ash is giving off all the signs of a horrifically traumatized foal, even beyond what would be expected from a foal in his circumstances. Hopefully he gets some help with that.
Ch. 4
I still find it funny that he has no idea that Celly and Lulu are royalty at this point.
Does he actually open the door? the way it read to me, He got into the position, then remembered the snake thing, and started laughing. When he did, the guard noticed him. I don't think the door ever opened.
The initial meeting between Ash and his guards was great, especially when Blinding Flash almost lost her composure, and then was the first to comfort him when needed.
I enjoyed the scene with Ash and the princesses too.
It is somewhat surprising, though I suppose it shouldn't be, that they don't want to send Ash to an actual school, for the all-important socialization. If he were an actual foal, he'd likely wind up being similar to Twilight. Brilliant, but socially stunted. Interesting twist to have Luna join him in some of his lessons.
I'm fairly sure that amount of food takes up a larger volume than Ash's entire body. Heck, if he's as small as it sounds like he is, just the gallon of apple juice should be impossible.
Like I wrote earlier, I'm fairly sure Ash's entire magical potential is tied up in self-healing. I'm not sure if I'd go so far as to assume a direct association with phoenixes, but it's certainly a possibility. Makes me wonder how Philomena will react to him.
Couple of things I noticed:
Prologue
I'd suggest having the dialogue be separated from the preceding action. The first paragraph specifically had a line from Discipline as the third line, and that makes it a bit tough to determine what is dialogue and what isn't. This happens in a few other places as well. Third and seventh paragraphs.
If you're going to shorten because, an apostrophe is needed in this context.
Already is one word
Missing Comma.
Missing Comma.
Ch. 1
The structure of Protective Care's request sticks out as odd to me. Maybe something like this would flow better?
Current:
Suggested:
Pegasi is the plural, which fits better.
Period should be inside the single quotes.
Felt like there was a missing descriptor there, unless they just thought she was Nightmare Moon.
Missing Comma.
Period should be inside the single quotes.
One word.
One word.
Ch. 2
'Thee' is 'you,' 'thine' is 'your.'
Some missing punctuation, and 'too' isn't necessary in this sentence.
Period should be inside the single quotes.
Missing comma.
Private has some unfortunate connotations here.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Ch.3
Phrasing was a bit awkward.
Missing commas, awkward phrasing.
However isn't necessary here.
'Thine' is 'your,' 'thee' is 'you.'
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Felt like upside down dialogue there.
Missing comma.
Ch. 4
Missing apostrophe.
Missing punctuation.
Missing comma.
Missing comma.
Missing capitalization.
Already is one word.
Hardiness means physical resilience, whereas heartiness tends to be associated more with warmth and enthusiasm.
Overall, Great work! Keep it up! I'll be looking forward to the next installment with great interest. Also, just take the favorite and like. You've more than earned them.
12184583
Most of your notes have been applied, especially those applying to the more egregious errors in grammar/awkward sentences. External periods from the 'quotation' marks is a hill I will die on though.
To anyone reading this, in regards to the comment in particular I'm replying too, these sorts of comments are much appreciated and encouraged. Especially so considering I don't have an editor lmao.
In regards to Blinding Flash's jealousy though? Part of her character notes has "Hardcore attracted to Celestia, but not relationship wise. Just really wants to bang the princess."
I'm gonna be honest, you my friend, make something so peak that I can't wait for more, no, really, I can't, put the next chapterencrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcTc8WAP5wwiv2zCbqbK6Cjy-TfxX5YQjKq3gw&s
Oh wow... to reach out after such torment... he really is something.
This is so freaking creativeeee.
The story is so intensive and drawing! Absolutely amazing.
12184617
I'm not going to fight you on the period outside quotations thing, if that's your preference. No need for flutterrage 
Glad to have helped! I'm not sure I can devote the time to such in-depth commentary/editing every time, that comment took a while to write!
I like to try and leave the kinds of comments I'd like to receive. Maybe it's some belief in karmic balance or some such, I'm not really sure, but as a fellow writer of horse words, it always warms my heart to get insightful comments.
Hopefully that doesn't get in the way of her new duties in guarding Ash. Perhaps Blinding Flash figures this will give her more opportunities to be close to the Princess, and spend time with her. Or maybe she and Shield Wall will get to be Ash's foster parents. Could go in many directions from here.
I'll be looking forward to finding out.
Both, it's both! /s
This little alicorn has a lot to learn, and the princesses much to do...
Question, is Cadence around? Or is this timeline pre-Sparkle-birth or such?
You blasted author you! * Shakes my fist* how dare you make something so good! Now there's another added onto the "constantly waiting for updates" pile 😔
The first segment of this chapter is confusing as it's using first person perspective but also talking about Protective Care in third person, It made me think it was the main character and Protective Care in this situation, but i'm guessing it is only Protective Care?
Also
Already, and since its Protective Care giving the explanation it would be something like "long before Protective need give a better explanation" or "long before Protective needs to give a better explanation
I feel i've made a mistake in starting this story as i'm going to go through the chapters all too fast and be sad that there aren't more to read haha, I'm not far in but enjoying it so far
Wouldn't this be "as Nightmare Moon"
already
I feel like it would be better to use "were beaten" or "had been hit", but this isnt a correction so much as constructive criticism, albeit unasked for
do
too
You want to put a comma to make this flow better, think of it as you pause when you reach a comma. So like this
"Celestia had seen creatures from the deepest pits of Tartarus, some of the most vile and malicious"
Again i feel like you should use commas here to break up the flow a bit, but this is just a suggestion not a correction as you could have them be rushed thoughts if he was in a panic, which he likely is what with him breaking down
"Please, I don't want to feel anything. Please, don't make it hurt inside again" or maybe "Please i don't want to feel anything, Please don't make it hurt inside again" for a more rushed form
12185178
Corrections implemented! Thanks for pointing them out. As for the panicky part that's 100% intentionally missing commas to make it one stream of worried thought.
I seem to have a real issue with 'all ready' and 'already' lmao.
Very interesting and surprising chapter.
Based on the tags and description, I was half-expecting this to be one of those awful, woe-is-me, angsty pity parties. I can't remember the last time I read a story where the MC has such a devil-may-care attitude in the face of profound abuse.
It's certainly a breath of fresh air and I look forward to seeing where the story goes from here.
I'm not sure if it's been stated at any point so far but I'm just going to adopted the headcanon that alicorns have a much, much higher pain tolerance than a normal pony. Otherwise, him calmly enduring this damage is a little beyond belief.
Have you ever been in a fight before? A proper fight where you are getting the shit knocked out of you? I have and I can assure you that at no point between the blows to the head was I in any sort of mental position to give quips and strategically antagonise the person hitting me.
I know that apparently he is emotionally desensitised to pain or whatever from burning alive but crippling pain is crippling pain and vicious head trauma is vicious head trauma. You can't just decide to not be affected by it because you've been through worse.
Aside from the varying spelling mistakes and grammar mistakes, this is really good so far. Ash feels not completely realistic at times, but I honestly feel that is intentional, to show his soul is broken, and that he doesn't work right. All in all, good story so far, super interested in reading more.
That's not sociopathy. Despite how Hollywood likes to portray it, psychopaths and sociopaths (which are two very different things) are actually very emotional people. Sociopaths outwardly have trouble expressing their emotions and can have a difficult time understanding what they are feeling, which can unexpectedly result in sudden bursts of anger.
What you are describing is either depression (most likely) or a very specific and rare form of autism.
Depression isn't about being sad all the time, again unlike how Hollywood portrays it. Quite often you are fairly dulled in emotion, as your brain naturally tries to protect itself from overwhelming levels of negative emotion by raising the tolerance level of the signal systems towards those hormones. Unfortunately, that also raises the tolerance level against the positive emotional hormones as well, as they are very closely related. Pain reception can also be affected. Hence the overall emotional dulling.
Normally, this is temporary, however long term depression can make these changes more permanent by causing damage to the signal receptors. People who have had multi-year long depressions, especially untreated/undiagnosed depression, can have their overall emotional experience permanently dulled for the rest of their life.
Every time I read a story with tag gore and horror I get surprised by gore and horror... and no amount of warning will stop me! Still I really like where this is going, really promising story.
Just found this story (from the feature box!), and gave it a read.
Terrible start (not the writing, the situation), but it looks like things will hopefully get better for our MC. With luck, he'll be able to talk about everything that's happened to him and start healing quickly.
I eagerly await more :)
Awesome story so far, hope to see much more very soon, as much as author is comfortable with that is. Wonder if broken person/horse thing will be more central to the story or just a starting hurdle?
12185493
It's been sitting in the feature box for the past day, and not gonna lie it's starting to make me freak out lmao.
This is awesome. Thanks!