Twilight Sparkle's body contains more raw magic than any pony that has ever graced Equestria. But she has been having trouble focusing and as a result her magic prowess has vanished. Is her magic worth the risk to delve into the unknown in search for a cure?
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The "Teen" and "Dark" tags won't become apparent until later.
Planning on releasing 5-6 chapters with an Epilogue. Let me know what you guys think! I am here to receive feedback after all!
Big shout out to Kaytea for the awesome custom cover! Danke! <3
(http://demdoodles.tumblr.com/post/33878512396/commission-for-a-mlp-fim-fanfiction) Check out some of her other stuff too!
Enjoy,
Popinfresh
Chapters (7)
Very good really.
Pacing is fine, I didn't notice any major mistakes either... In fact I don't think I noticed any.
The story itself has a lot of potential to get really interresting. Looking forward to more.
Tracked.
1468578
Hey thanks! It means a lot :D
I get pretty excited when I think about the later parts of the story so just hang in there, it really starts to pick up!
As a minor note, I have chapter two written and will be putting the finishing touches on it and editing it.
If anyone is interested in become a pre-reader feel free to message me cause I could use an extra pair of eyes to spot things that may be off :D
Expect chapter 2 around Monday!
1469636
As for proof readers. Check this page out http://www.fimfiction.net/index.php?view=group&group=27
They a bunch of helpful guys and I'm sure they would want to help you if you ask nicely
1473559
Ah thanks! I'll look into that :D
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png dl.dropbox.com/u/31471793/FiMFiction/Luna_lolface.png
1476443
Come in come in and have a seat. It is my pleasure for me...to...err...greet...you?”
Come in Come in and have a seat. It is my pleasue for us to meet.
How does that sound? :P
Okay... Seriously... Poor f*cking Rabbit.
You need some help Twilight...
1492727
Trust me when I say every word I wrote in this story has a reason.
1492735
I sort of realised that later on... I just couldn't refrain myself from commenting on it...
1492749
It's all good! I'll be writing chapter 3 today and editing throughout the week, I'm getting so pumped to tell the second half of this story!
1492793
Heh, just make sure not to rush it
And... Do I somehow sense an oncoming Alicorn Twilight fic?
Could sound like it.
1492805
Ew. No.
1492837
You insult me!
Alicorn fics are some of the best if executed properly!
1492840
But they are so overdone! I've read some great alicorn stuff in the past as well but the first step I took to writing this is writing something unique that hadn't really been done like this. Granted I haven't read EVERY fanfic out there so this story might share some similarities but I really did go for something new.
1492864
Alicorn fics overdone?
Popin... They're probably mong the rarest out there, at least the ones that isn't just "ALICORN! Now what to do?"
What I mean by an Alicorn fic is one that is deeper than just somepony becoming an Alicorn and then nothing. Take 'Duties' for example, On Wings of Change, The Quiet Place. Those three are Alicorn fics that I genuinly enjoy, they are the best of their lot, and each of them brings the whole Alicorn fic farther than just becoming one and then "What to do now?"
Duties - The political duties and responsibilities of being a princess and co-ruler of Equestria, as well as fending off threats whenever they may arrive.
The Quiet Place - Controlling your newfound powers, as well as taking on certain responsibilities AND fighting a war.
On Wings of Change - Still haven't progressed far enough to give hints of what is the focus of the story, but the sheer skill needed to write the chapters so far, makes promises of an amazing story later on.
On all of Fimfiction, there's roughly 80 perhabs Alicorn fics, four of which (the ones I mentioned as well as one other) that isn't just "Alicorn! Now what?". The concept is not as overused as you might think. Try to figure out how many stories you can find with one of the Mane6 dying or being so gravely injured that they become crippled, now THAT is an overused concept.
1493031
Hmm you bring up some interesting points. I'll do some research into those stories and read up on some of the fic surrounding them. Who knows what'll happen
The problem with Alicorn Twi fics is that for most of them, the author simply writes a transformation. After that, they don't really have anything planned and are left with nowhere to go.
It's a shame because some start out great, but you can see the writer struggle with where they are going. Then the fic usually gets abandoned.
A fic needs more plot that "Hey, wings!".
1493031
I'd also recommend The Immortal Game, if for no other reason that by the time Twilight ascends, one truly comprehends how far above mere unicorns is the power of an Alicorn, much less an ascended Twilight Sparkle filled with righteous fury.
1493657
I do! You'll love them! xD
1495676
Could you give an elaboration as to what "The Immortal Game" is about? I don't think I've ever seen it before...
1494358
Indeed. An Alicorn Fic needs more than just "Hey, Wings!" as you so 'beautifully' describes it
I am plotting a Twi Alicorn fic myself, and while Twilight being an Alicorn is a core part of the story, I plan on involving both Discord, Luna, Celestia & a certain OC monster from Tartarus. Probably going to go 'Dark' as I do want to give it a sort of Fight or Die feel.
It's right over here. Be aware that it's not a short story (I put the title in italics for a reason), and we're all still waiting (im)patiently for the epilogue.
1499879
I prefer long stories. Check my favourites and you'll see :P
There are some short ones, but I by far prefer the longer ones.
Chapter 3! Hooray! Tell me what you guys think :D
Near the end of the chapter, the writing seems to change tense from past to present. Try to stay in one or the other. Since the rest of the story is in past tense, I suggest you continue in that way.
1540154
The writing has always been in present tense. I may use past tense to describe an act that a character does to get to a certain point but it is supposed to be present tense. Could you give me an example of what you're talking about?
1540454 "She remembers Celestia's words to stay strong and tries to put everything negative behind her." This sentence feels weird for some reason.
1543057
Hmmm I definitely agree. This is the downside about having only 1 pre-reader / editor. Sometimes things slip through our fingers. I'll think of a fix for that when I wake up and am not so fatigued. Thanks a lot for the feedback! :D
Derpy is gray with a blonde mane
1556544
Hooray for readers catching things I didn't!
Well I'll fix that real quick thanks man!
Why did you have to kill Zecora!! Why didn't you at least let her live
Also - The green glow made it quite obvious that it was Chrysalis...
oh my
(Joke) Alt. Titles: What Lies: Doormat and More Magic Then A Barrel Of Zebras!
1800026 There's been hints all along that it was Chrysalis! I'm a big fan of movies that give you all the clues of what's to come and then blows your mind in the last 10 minutes *hint hint nudge nudge*. But yeah RIP Zecora
1800038 ????????????????
1800085 HA! I like that for the alternate title...
1800088
You gave hints that it wasn't the same because she couldn't rhyme. Could've been anything, really :/
1800108 Well the point was that you didn't completely piece it together until this chapter. I just wanted the readers to gather a sense that something was off, perking their curiosity to the matter. I think the fail-rhyming was hint enough, has Zecora ever had a problem rhyming before? The whole situation was just supposed to create that little itch in your brain sensing that things weren't right.
poor rabbit...
I KNEW IT! SHES A CHANGLING!
Twilight will mess her up.
1801468 Glad to see you're getting into it
It's great so far!
Just a couple questions: Isn't Derpy a fan titled pony? I was surprised when I saw Twilight refer to her as Derpy. Also, is Derpy talking common in fanfics? I've never seen her talk in the show.
Keep it up though, Popin, I can't wait to keep reading! :)
...
2015285
hmmmm?
2015310 Oh just that even since you are going to keep writing, that was... a hard if good way to end a chapter so I chose a mute reaction.
2015335
So it was a pretty hard cliffhanger but a good one?
2015356 Yes, similar to the fallout Equestria, Project Horizonscliffhangar.
2016092
SAY NO MORE!
I'm literally reading that story right now. Just got done with the first act last night. :D
So... Instead of trying to learn to tame her powers and learn how to be in complete control, she kills herself?
She managed to regain control back when she was a foal, why shouldn't she be able to learn to contol this as well?
I feels lackluster, and just seems like you got tired of the story and wanted to end it quickly.
2018936
Thanks for the comment!
I was trying in imply that the control she had over the vile-vials magic was brief. She managed to get control back as a filly yes, but this is a bit different of a situation. She only overcame the evil in that one moment. There's no telling if it would come back if she had any negative thoughts ever again. She doesn't really control that evil magic, it controls her.
I think my writing style leads to the thought of me wanting to end this quickly. I do not write a lot of fluff. Nothing in my story is there without a reason. I actually had a blast writing this story!
Also, don't forget about the Epilogue! That should be coming out later tonight.
2019987
You didn't come across the way you hoped then. I'm sorry to say, but this story just lost a few stars from that ending... It just sorta... happens. No lead up to it or anything.
And why did no one think of smashing the vial? It would be the logical choice seeing as they know that is what causes it.
2020004
After drinking the potion, the vial's job is done. Once the potion is consumed, the vial's magic stays inside of the victim. The vial is just the way to get the magic inside the host. Celestia was the only pony there that really understood what was happening and she tried to warn Twilight to get away from everyone, especially Chrysalis who was egging her on at this point. I'm sorry to hear you didn't like the ending though. Maybe the Epilogue will bring you some closure.