• Member Since 12th Jun, 2012
  • offline last seen Nov 28th, 2017

electreXcessive


I am an average everyday brony. I like to let my creative juices flow and create things. I'm always striving to improve, so I hope you enjoy my stories.

T

Spitfire and Soarin' share a special moment after hours! Soarin' introduces Spitfire to something that she's never experienced before. Will she be able to handle it?

Chapters (1)
Comments ( 37 )

Funny as hell, and you actually threw me a bit with some parts of it :rainbowderp:
And, dat ending :rainbowlaugh:

Ahhh, of course. Because ponies can't eat pie normally.

1571463 Have you SEEN Soarin' eat pie? He can't. :rainbowwild:

Can't... stop... laughing...:rainbowlaugh:

1571475

Be fair... he hasn't got hands. Don't give him a complex over it- Lyra is creepy enough.

1571512 Man I don't blame him! I was just sayin'.

Well I'm sure this will be good judging by the comments. :rainbowwild:

I saw this coming a mile away. Still, good story though.

Rainbow Dash! You sick perv! :fluttershbad:

Wait, were they eating pie or no?

Sometimes the smell of pie can be too much to bear :trollestia:

totally called that. pie is ftw

rating
:rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh::rainbowlaugh:
:rainbowdetermined2::rainbowdetermined2::rainbowdetermined2::rainbowdetermined2:
rating explained in my profile

Could've guessed it. As much as others say this was good and funny, I disagree. I've seen multiple kinds of fictions with the narrator is making it sound sexual, and it totally wasn't. I did like it, though. But It wasn't that great, to be completely honest.

1909673
Thanks for being honest. It helps me improve, and I did ask you for it. It's your prerogative if you still want to read the other story.

Hey there! Scribblestick the chill here. Let's dive in, shall we? :pinkiehappy:

(Note: To anyone reading, there will most likely be spoilers. With a story like this, it's best not to have those.)

So I've always been open about the fact that clop is not my thing, but I do enjoy a story that looks like it's one thing and then turns out to be completely different. It takes a lot of skill and careful word choice to blend innuendo and reality like that, and I think for the most part, you did pretty well. I didn't find it particularly funny, but then, I tend to abandon story at the first sign of clop and I'm not the best judge of humor.

There's one bit I'm still confused about:

It was reaching its climax; she was about to be finished! She felt it welling up inside her! Finally, it exploded out, spraying Soarin's face, and causing him to back away.
"Eww! That's so gross Spitfire! Geeze!" Soarin' complained.

The innuendo I get. It's the reality that's throwing me off. What did Spitfire feel welling up inside her? Or if that was meant to be the pie, how do pies feel anything? Why did the pie (or cherries) explode again? The first time made sense, what with Soarin' diving right it, but with it almost gone, I'm not exactly sure what exploded. I guess I'm saying the reality doesn't quite work the way it's set up.

The phrase "she was about to be finished" in referring to pie throws me off a little, too, but it's not bad. I mention it because you use that phrase a couple times.

Finally, I'm not sure why Soarin' is blaming Spitfire for it. She didn't do anything, as far as I can tell. Maybe if he looked at the cherry juice on her hoof and lips and said that was gross?

Beyond that, I only have a couple things to comment on:

would probably make newspaper headlines within a day

As a journalist who spent most of yesterday covering breaking news, and knowing there's probably not a lot going on in Equestria, and also knowing that newspaper is probably the primary means of spreading news in Equestria (what with the lack of TV and internet, though I suppose movie theaters could do), I wouldn't be surprised if every major newspaper printed a special issue the moment they found out and sent all the urchins into the streets to shout "EXTRA! EXTRA!" at passersby. Assuming that "WONDERBOLTS EAT PIE" is considered newsworthy in this world. I don't know, I don't live there. :fluttershysad:

The first sentence of that paragraph needs to be shot.

Anyways, this is just me being really super nitpicky, but if the story is headline-worthy, I'd expect the headline within a few hours in this world. Which I guess is technically "within a day," but making the time period even shorter would, I think, be more accurate (there I go being a journalist) and strengthen the story.

"Hey, this is my first time. That means that I get to go first. Let me have a go," she cockily stated, regaining her confidence once again.

This sentence is telly. Is there a way you can show Spitfire regaining her confidence (or at least putting on a show of confidence)?

This caught Spitfire off guard, and with a magnificent erruption of the juice of all things good, delicious, and holy, she exploded.
She knew that she was close to being finished

I know calling the pie "she" is done to intentionally confuse the reader, but I can't help but wonder why Spitfire gives the pie that pronoun instead of "it." With Soarin', it totally makes sense. Because, well, he's obsessed. With Spitfire, not so much.

Well, that's all I have. I thought the ambiguity worked well, but a few details and phrases could be improved. Hope it helps! :twilightsmile:

~Scribblestick, WRITE's notoriously friendly reviewer

So you love eating pie do you Soarin?
What about :pinkiehappy: THIS pie?
How would you enjoy that?

Just thought I'd say that did a riff on this story, it should be up soon. Don't worry, I really enjoyed it. But, you know, it did have some silly moments.

2761984
Yessir, I know it did. This was early in my writing career, so I've learned a lot in that time. I'd sure love to read the riff if you could provide a link!

2761999 It's not up yet, but I can just send a link: Here

Mem

I couldn't do it. I couldn't read the most part, I only got to the "bringing out the goods part" and skipped to the end. The only thing going through my mind; {Clop Flop}. That's for gullible people like me.:rainbowlaugh:

This made no since, what so ever, liked, no favorite, my dad might confuse this to being clop. My dad looks over my profile.

Aw, I was really hoping at the end that, after the obvious reveal was made that it was pie, they would pat their bellies with satisfaction and say,

"Now let's go have sex."

The End.

So my friend Dafe111 told me to read this so im here reading it thinking its another clopper (i ain't a clopper yuck) and then bam i realise close to the end just how much soarin loves his pie and it hit me like a ten ton nuclear bombshell i was here thinking they were having sex with a pie or something but oh my god Dafe if you read this thank you for suggesting it to me thank you so much and one hell of a innuendo story so funny

319224

touche but i prefer to read the story then the comments still a good story though :rainbowlaugh:

Wow.amazin story.i really want to read more things like this.does anyone know some?

well then.... this is THE FUNNIEST THING!!!!

BAHAHAHA!!! I LOVE THIS!! :rainbowlaugh:

I won't look at pie the same way again. Or ever. :yay:

Such a great read. Well worth reading a second time. Still funny as. I may have to save this specially as its gold.

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