Life for her is hard enough without several different aspects of her mind combating for her attention. But having been blasted into a crater by rainbow lasers makes it a bit difficult for her to address interactions normally.
It'll be a long way for Sunset to build herself back up from scraps. She has a lot to do, and a lot of bonds to form. And all through it, she will often be distracted, in her own head.
VOLITION - [Impossible: Success] But she will get through it. One step at a time.
(This story is written in the style of the game Disco Elysium!)
Chapters (9)
lets fucking GOOOOOOOOOO GAH i love this style of writing from you, it really highlights your prose and dialogue skills so well its great
Not 30 days! That's, like, almost 31 days!
What a unique piece of writing. Well done! Reading this really shows how well you understand what makes Disco Elysium's writing so incredibly compelling and interesting. I loved this!
Never played Disco Elysium, but one of my fav YouTubers made a letsplay of it. It's like 62 parts long though so I never watched it, this makes me want to
Of course Electrochemistry's suggestion is more magic. Girl's still bleeding from the last bender and part of her is already clamoring for the next hit. This is what living in a magicless world does to a unicorn.
I do love the implication that succeeding on that Authority check would mean Sunset still refusing to accept that she's been beaten. Some things aren't meant to succeed.
YOU - Should I be concerned that my inner voices are all male?
CONCEPTUALIZATION - Well—
PAIN THRESHOLD - Later, when you aren't five minutes away from passing out.
Esprit de Corps being the bonds of friendship. Yes, good, perfect.
I choose to hear everything but Sunset's dialogue and the Twilight flashback in the voice of Lenval Brown, the narrator of DE. Also I feel somewhat responsible for this story's existence. Eagerly looking forward to seeing where it goes from here. (And if it does get taken down, I hope you at least repost it as a blog.)
I really hope this doesn't get taken down. The way Disco Elysium is written and presented is incredibly unique and fun, so it's great to see someone taking a crack at it.
Wonder what Sunset's stat spread is like? And what skills she has points in? Off the cuff, probably...
5 Intellect
4 Psyche
2 Physique
1 Motorics
She has to be smart since she was Celestia's student, but it also means she probably didn't get out much.
The empathic abilities she eventually gains clearly indicate that she's in touch with emotions enough to wield such powers.
And lastly, she used to be a pony. She's lucky that she knows how to walk.
As for skills... who knows.
i.postimg.cc/2yrfgvBN/fic7.png
I should have expected this kind of foreshadowing from you. Anywho, glad to see others who share the Sunset Shimmer Disco Elysium mind virus.
If you're worried about it being taken down I recommend going on the discord and talking to the mod, or messaging them in twitter. If not their are websites like archive of our own (AO3) for you to put it on
Now this is some peak Elysium.
Very well written and it conveys the general atmosphere of Disco Elysium well! Personally I really like the appearance of Espirit De Corps and how its utilized. Its amazing how you retuned the most cop oriented skill for Sunset.
PINKIE PIE - Hello? is this thing on?
LOGIC - [Impossible: Failure] What? what's going on!
PINKIE PIE - Hi there! I just wanted to check in to see if Sunset got my text!
INTERFACING - [Impossible: Failure] You can't see her, why can't you see her? is she not actually here?
COMPOSURE - [Formidable: Failure] AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
MIRROR - This... isn't... you... this isn'tyouthisisn'tyouthisisn'tyo-
PINKIE PIE - Of course not silly! I'm me.
CONCEPTUALIZATION - [Heroic: Unknown] Is this a side affect of the blast? Did she imprint herself onto you?
PINKIE PIE - Sorry, but that's a trade secret! It would ruin the fun if you actually knew. Anyway, see you later!
ENDURANCE - [Formidable: Failure] Yeah, you definitely need sleep.
Oh this... this is some good shit here. I like this! Makes me want to play DE again and it work very well with Sunset here. I very much hope this does not get taken down because I want to see so much more of this!
I would to know what stats she playing with here. She likely a more Intelligence build, especially if she has some low pain threshold and endurance. And likely does not have high Empathy as a Skill. Then again maybe not, hard to tell so far
I guess the content rule this gets near is this one -
I guess it's borderline, but I don't think the rule prohibits this story. It's more of an internal monologue that has more structure and mechanics than I think could be simply described as "chat or script." I certainly don't think it goes against the spirit of the rule, but maybe that's wishful thinking since I enjoyed the first chapter and would love to read more.
A very fun start. Always happy to see another attempt pulling Disco Elysium into pony land.
I'd like to think the mods would recognize that this is more than some random script fic. The fact that at least one other fic that played with a colt tapping into Inland Empire is still up should give some hope.
Well this is going to be unique.
Holy shit, Dapper writing a sunset fic inspired by Disco Elysium??????????? Holy Mother of based.
Mods pretty pretty please do not take this down 🙏
I wish fimfic supported workskins like Ao3 so you could full on ape the entire visual of Disco Elysium, like 'The Fury of a Shattered Mirror' managed to do. Not sure if it's kosher to namedrop fics in someone else's comments but it's one of the premiere DE fics, so I assume it'd be like namedropping My Immortal in a crack!fic.
hi, op?
i love you
HELL YEAH MORE MORE MORE MORE
Adverb probably needs an adjective.
LIMBIC SYSTEM: So much pain...
12133820
I think the formatting tools themselves did an alright job for me; maybe try them?
12133270
Play it, you can get it free online and your own experiences will be infinitely more interesting. /gen
Damn, gotta puck up DE again. Excellent job on the fic.
I very much like the idea of a Disco Elysium style story following Sunset. Hell, if anyone from the show would fit the big bootstraps of Detective Costeau, it would be her.
However, I feel like you're not using DE's formatting to its fullest extent in this story. For example, I think the lack of a dialogue tree hampers the experience, because you don't get to see what Sunset could *think* but doesn't say.
1. No, actually, fuck it, I *don't* deserve this! *They're* the ones who caused this!
2. I deserve this.
A very simple way of showing some of Sunset's inner thoughts. In theory, a normal Disco-like branch tree would look something like this;
1. Feel the gash with your finger.
2. Leave it alone.
YOU - Feel the gash with your finger.
INTERFACING- Your nail scrapes along broken and bleeding skin. The edges of the wound are jagged and uneven, causing your finger to bump along its contours.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Godly: Failure] - Even this small bit of pressure is nearly unbearable. Your teeth clench from the pain.
It also helps communicate and pace things a bit better.
1. Punch the mirror.
2. Don't.
The lack of hard checks also hampers the experience. A big part of DE are the times where you have a mental breakdown on an extremely uncomfortable chair because you failed a skill check. And it makes me sad to think this story wouldn't have anything in a similar vein happening. Or you have a heart attack from the pain.
Speaking of which, when Sunset's deluge about how much she deserves this was going by, I kept imagining a giant wall of DAMAGED MORALE -1 flow by and was a bit disappointed when it never came. Or at least an "Ow." after she punched the mirror. Outside of just gags, it can also be used as a storytelling method.
For example, because of all the self-hatred she spewed before, the reason that Volition doesn't pipe up to recommend Sunset talk to Pinkie is because her morale is too low.
Two other minor issues I have would be the basic formatting.
PAIN THRESHOLD [Godly: Failure] - Ow.
PAIN THRESHOLD - [Godly: Failure] Ow.
It might just be personal preference, but I think moving the - past the skill check makes it appear more clean.
The other one would be:
COMPOSURE - [Formidable: Success]
COMPOSURE - [Easy: Failure]
Formidable is a significantly higher skill check to succeed than easy, a difference of 4-5 points. I understand this is extremely nitpicky, but I think it helps having a mental picture of how strong or weak you want your individual skills to be. If Sunset's composure is weak? Stick to it, and make her gasp, or hiss in pain when she's tying her wound. In other scenarios, having it low will make her extremely easy to be read by other people, opening up even more storytelling opportunities. (If you still want the phone to startle her, just make Half-Light do it. He's practically built for getting spooked.)
All in all, I don't aim to be mean here. I think this story has great potential, especially when using Disco mechanics. It's just that if you were to use a bit more of them, it would elevate it even further.
12134001
Oh yeah, I figured I'd get a critique based on how I'm not adhering to the game mechanics perfectly, it was bound to happen.
So a lot of my decisions here came from me expecting this fic to absolutely be banished to the shadowrealm due to it's formating-- I once had a previous fic of mine be suspended because of it, so I wouldn't be surprised if this one still falls off. because of it, I decided to be light on how much of the game I did incorporate or not.
For example, I didn't bother offering the actual rolls, just the casual skillchecks, I made Sunset fail or pass the checks according to what the circumstances called for, not what her 'build' dictated, because after all, I didn't make a build at all, I didn't want a skill or two to fall by the wayside because there weren't points invested in it (Like how it is in the game!) I didn't draw any portraits for the characters, or even give this fic a fully drawn cover. Showing the other dialogue options is something I considered doing, but I'm not sure if I'll go for it in the end, since it might make the story a lot less focused.
Thanks for reading though, glad you like it! The next chapters will probably still be casual, even if they'll have actual dialogue between characters. And I'm probably not going to draw those portraits because I'm not good enough at arting for that, lmao.
I love every story that talks about "all the emotional baggage" that Sunset carries with her. I loved the disco Elysium format. I feel it fits so well for something as complex as Sunset. I also enjoyed that the physical wounds of her transformation are taken into account. She literally grew wings and ended up in a hole who knows how many meters deep.
Favorite !!!
12134012
I get that. I probably wouldn't put 110% into something I think would get axed the second it went up. If I may ask, how did your previous story "go too far" with its formatting?
As for the worry about focus, I actually think a big part of what made DE work was that the *lack* of focus. Sure, at its core the story was about a murder mystery you're solving, but you can spend the vast majority of the time in game doing everything *but* the murder mystery. You get into internal tangents (and politics), you investigate a haunted shopping center, you actually do some other police work, you talk to random people, read books, find your car and so on. So I wouldn't be *that* concerned about adding inner tangents and dialogue choices. If someone's played Disco Elysium, I think they can withstand a few streams of Sunset consciousness.
Sunset really is a seagull if you think about it.
This is so disco.
12134030
My previous story that was banished is this one! It's primarily set in social media, but the sequence in it that only has text messages was flagged as unacceptable formating. Ironic, because all it took was a minor tweak, I didn't need to add any prose. Still like it!
And hey, this fic doesn't seem nuked yet. Good news for us!
God funny seeing this because I have something similar-ish planned down the line for one of my fics- I've had a doc detailing alternate skill names sitting in my drive for a while
Okay, I absolutly love the idea and it really nails the tone! Like this is great writing and really scratches a Disco Elysium itch!
However, as silly as it may be I also love thinking about the skills and what they mean and I will fully admit that it feels a bit wierd to see skills I consider either Harry exclusive or situational in Sunset.
I compleltly get why you did it, and you nail the skills but as an example Esprite de Corps seems so tied to... well a corp, that it feels wierd seeing it in sunset who does not have Harries experience.
But yeah, having to invent 2-3 new skills with personalities and all... I completly get why you didn't and I'll be eagerly waiting for the next chapter.
I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS I LOVE THIS!!!! GODDDD DISCO ELYSIUM FORMAT MY BELOVED. This is fantastic, you understand both Sunset Shimmer and the Skills SO well. Speaking of the skills SHIVERS IS GONNA MAKE ME CRYYY
I don’t think there will be any problems with the the formating of the story.
I mean, if something like “The Sun is Alive” is okay, then this is definitely okay.
holy shit
Poor Endurance is fucking crying through the whole thing. All of sunsets thoughts are trying to find out what to do when they go back to equestria and endurance is basically doing the equivalent of laying down and trying not to get hurt
I wonder if anyone will find out about Sunset’s unusual headmates/voices in her mind
I want to favorite this fic twice but i cant
12134953
They're not literal. They represent the thoughts rushing through Sunset's head, they categorise her reasoning, feelings, observations, and logic. In a way, these internal dialogues are something everyone does.
Sunset is dangerously close to contemplating the glories of Hobocop.
Also, yeah, Mount Metazoa was such a cool two-parter.
There's no shame in your art style not being abstract enough for DE portraiture. I'm pretty sure there's a cocktail of drugs and political philosophy needed to achieve that style that I wouldn't wish on anyone. Looking forward to the conversation; I can only hope the chairs in Celestia's office are comfortable enough to keep Endurance and Pain Threshold from commenting on it.
That pain threshold bit got me. Never played DE, but I assume the "personalities" of the representations of Sunset's mind are all derivative of herself, not like "this amount of snark goes here and this amount of self-loathing goes here" but more that everything is more or less "reflective". Mirrors must be a big deal in that game.
Anyway here comes the Principle with, if I can hazard to guess, a compromise between her duties and her individual concern for a child far from home with no lifeline (in her eyes at least).
PERCEPTION GET YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME BRO!!! YOURE LETTING THE TEAM DOWN!!!!!
sunset needs a horrible tie to listen to, nothing ever goes wrong listening to a horrible polyester tie
True dat yo
If I was in that position, I would react the same way that Half-Light did
Oooh, real hard format to write in. Love how you do it
derpicdn.net/img/2017/5/27/1446821/large.png
Hi haven't played disco Elysium so can I know what
SAVOIR FAIRE, HALF LIGHT and INLAND EMPIRE is?
12135489
this is gonna be very hard to explain as its the core mechanic of the game. these are the voices in your head, the slivers of your psyche each contributing something.
12135492
No I understand that but what does those specific ones represent?