• Published 30th Nov 2012
  • 1,495 Views, 6 Comments

Social Drinking - arcaneCentrifuge



A lush and a liar forge an unlikely friendship over cocktails and trivia.

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Berry Punch and Trixie Go To Wine Castle (Part 1)


((This story came out just before Magic Duel, in anticipation of canon Trixie being confirmed as a sociopathic cunt. In this fic, that characterization is not used; she's actually a pretty reasonable mare. This will continue to be the case in subsequent chapters of the story. Considering the other liberties I am choosing to take with canon, I hope readers will still find this acceptable.))




She could feel the warmth on her her eyelids without opening her eyes. She groaned and covered her face with her hoof and the warmth went away, but only for a moment. She was waking up into a massive headache and there wasnt really a way she could get around that. "Noooo," she whispered, breathing slowly so as to move her head as little as possible.

"Finally, you're awake," another face said. Female. She didn't recognize it yet. Couldn't remember what she'd done to get to this point. What day was it? Was it Wednesda-

The thing she was lying down on was not a bed. And it was moving.

Berry Punch's eyes snapped open, and what little sense she made of her surroundings was overshadowed by the new pain rushing through her head. She didnt close her eyes, but she did cover them back up with h er hooves and roll over. On the... wooden floor?

She uncovered her eyes again, slowly this time. She was looking at wooden boards. "Ugggghh," Punch groaned. "This... must be a Thursday. ...I never could get the hang of Thursdays. Where... where the fuck am I?"

"You dont remember?"

She was starting to. That was Trixie's voice. She'd been at the bar. Rum and cola. Whiskey. Calypso melon. She and Trixie teamed up. She had lost. They'd both lost. And Thunderflanks was...

"Did I... punch someone last night?"

"You punched a few someones last night," Trixie said, nudging a bowl of shredded oats closer to Punch's face. Punch shuddered. She'd be back in her element any moment but at the moment she just wished she'd never even heard the word cocktail. "What's the last thing you remember, Punch?"

"...We started a fight. At the Saddlebag's... Rest..."

Punch could hear Trixie stepping around her and rummaging through some gear, nearby her head. "Yes. We started a fight. Do you remember what happened after that?"

Punch shook her head slowly, whimpering a little. "I threw up, didnt I? Hop Burst must be really mad."

Trixie scooted a glass of water with a straw next to the bowl of shredded wheat. "Drink this before the wagon makes it tip over."

Punch looked up, just enough to see the glass, and scooted it close enough to use the straw without moving her head. She closed her eyes and drained the water, trying not to focus on the throbbing pain in her head.

"Wait, if... if I threw up... why do feel so fucking hungover?"

"Because it's not Thursday," Trixie said. "It started in the parking lot."

* * *

"Oh god oh god oh god oh god," Berry Punch kept chanting as they ran out of the emergency exit of the Saddlebag's Rest. Trixie ran, and Berry Punch sort of let herself be dragged along. "Trixypix what did I DO?! I cant believe I hit that guy, I'm never gonna be allowed to come back again! I should... I should go back, help clean up-"

Trixie stopped in between two large wagons, where they couldnt be seen. Punch immediately stopped behind her. Trixie put her hooves on Punch's shoulders, as Punch had done to Trixie outside the restroom.

"Berry Punch. Listen. I need you to be with me here. Are you listening?"

Berry Punch nodded.

"In every pony's life, they come to a point that is their day of reckoning. The day that determines not just what their future will be, but what their past really meant. Now think about the situation. Do you have enough bits to pay off your bar tab?"

"Well... no... but Hop Burst is my friend! She'll be pissed, but we can... we can fix this! She'll forgive me!"

"She probably would," Trixie admitted. "But she has a boss, right? And you just committed public assault."

"Oh god nooooo," Berry Punch moaned. "I'm too pretty and young to get sent to the moon! Or banished to the Everfree Forest! This cant be my life!"

"It's chaos in there right now," Trixie said, eyes gleaming. "If we can catch a wagon out of town, we can be on the road before they even realize we're gone."

"They probably already realize we're gone!"

"Well... all the more reason we should get moving."

"No, no..." Berry Punch shook her head. "I have to settle this! I cant just run away from my life here! I'd never be able to come back!"

"Why would you want to?" Trixie said. "This town is terrible. It's terrible for you, Punch. Look, I've known you for all of... uh..."

"Like three hours?"

"Could be three hours. And I admit I'm not the greatest judge of character. But Punch, listen. When you think of yourself as an old pony, is it here? Purple mane going grey around the edges, going to the same bar every night for the rest of your life until you die? Is that the way you want to live?"

"No, but-"

"So why stay here? A bar trivia game? They have trivia nights in Los Pegasus!"

Punch was maintaining steady eye-contact with the ground. "...It's not... Trixie, I feel secure here! Safe. I've lived in Ponyville all my life and it's what I know. I don't know who I'd be in a place like Los Pegasus!"

"Do you know who you are here? Really?"

"I..."

"Come with me," Trixie said, grabbing her hooves. "I wont promise secure. I cant promise safe. All I can promise you is the greatest adventure of your life. Didn't you ever want to have an adventure? Isn't it about time you did something you really wanted?" She stepped closer and gave BP the pleadingest eyes in her arsenal. "Please? I can honestly say you're the closest person I have to a friend in the whole world."

"Guuuuuuhh, I just know I'm going to regret this," Punch said, gritting her teeth. "Maybe both of us will. Okay. I'll go with you to Los Pegasus."

"Yesssss!"

"But," she continued, "We're not leaving for a huge adventure without provisions."

Trixie frowned. "We can scavenge for food along the way. I'd really like to get a head start now, while Roadie Roan is, uh. Unconscious."

"There's one big reason why I've stayed in Ponyville for all these years, Trixie. One reason why, even when I wanted to go, I didn't. Do you know why?"

"Family?"

Punch frowned. "...Okay, there's TWO big reasons why I've stayed in Ponyville for all these years. And the second reason, is Wine Castle."

"Wine Castle?"

"Wine Castle," Punch said.

"What's... Wine Castle?" Trixie said. "I dont think we have time for-"

"We'll have time, Trixie. We'll have time because I threw up all my booze and I'm not leaving without a full stock. No way, no how."

"You're holding a glass half-full of whiskey right now!" Trixie cried. "I cant believe after all that you're thinking of more booze!"

Punch swigged the whiskey back, drowning the lingering taste of vomit in oak and alcoholic fire. She spat what was left and tossed the glass over her shoulder, all without breaking eye contact with Trixie.

"Let's continue this conversation on the road."

* * *

"So then we left," Punch nodded. "Okay. Sounds right so far. And I passed out? Are we on the way to Wine Castle now, then? In this wagon?"

"You really dont remember anything?"

Berry Punch shrugged. "I dunno, a little bit? It's really. Um. Fragmentary. I must've gotten hammered."

"You..." Trixie appeared to be choosing her words carefully. "You may have suffered some brain damage. I'm not a doctor, but-"

"Brain damage? Isn't that the whole point?"

"Uh... maybe I should just continue the story."

* * *

"Wine Castle," Berry Punch said, "is not just a store."

The two of them had made it about a mile and a half along the road down the hill from the bar. No one seemed to have noticed them on the way out, so hopefully the scene inside was still too crazy. Still, the guards would probably be on the way, and they could only hope Hop Burst wouldn't give out a description. Trixie was lagging behind, and seemed to be dwelling on the issue of wasted time.

"I'm sure it's special," Trixie said. "But isnt there a faster way than walking? Time is a factor here."

"Trixie, wagons are not magical transportation machines. You still have to pull a wagon."

"Yes, but then only one of us would be tired."

"Listen," Berry Punch said. "Wine Castle is more than a store. It's something greater. It's like some kind of... superstore. Shelves of bottles, as far as the eye can see. Wine. Beer. Spirits. There's booze here you cant find anywhere else, period. It's a paradise of alcohol, Trixie. It's the alcoholic promised land."

"They sell alcohol in Los Pegasus!"

"Not like this," Punch said. "Nowhere is it like this. Because Wine Castle is the retail headquarters of the Sugargrape family. Do you know who the Sugargrapes are?"

She did. The Sugargrapes were the titans of the agricultural industry. More than half of the fermentable crops in Equestria were owned by them. The family patriarch, Palomino Blanc Sugargrape, was the wealthiest earth pony in the world.

"Here?" Trixie said incredulously. "The Sugargrape headquarters are here? I dont get it. Ponyville isnt a hub for commerce or rural development. It's just a little town."

"It's the only place in Equestria where you can grow Zap Apples," Berry Punch said smugly. "The one fruit they cant corner the market on. Old Palomino would do anything to get the Apples to sell, but they wont budge. It's because Granny Smith refuses to sell their Zap Apple trees that Ponyville has the economic independence it has. If they sold the secret, and they could, the Apple Family could be billionaires."

"I had no idea," Trixie said. "The mare I hogtied on-stage is the heir to an agricultural resource that keeps Palomino Blanc at beck and call?"

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't just randomly tie ponies up. I've been meaning to mention, that's the kind of thing that makes it harder to make friends. Look," she said, slowing down long enough to let Trixie catch up. "There are only two Wine Castles in all of Equestria. One here, and I think there's another a bit out of town. And since you've made me a fugitive, I might never be able to go to one again. So yes, Trixie, we have time for it."

"Okay," Trixie said. "I think it's probably going to get us arrested and maybe Roadie Roan will catch up with us and stab us to death with knives, but fine. I'm on board. Let's go to Wine Castle."

"That's all I ask," Punch said.

Saddlebag's Rest stood alone at the top of a big hill with a road winding down it. They were down the hill, now, and were approaching the South Ponyville strip. Even as late as it was, a few cafes were still open. In Manehattan, at this hour, there's be drive-thrus selling tofu-burgers long into the night. Ponyville didn't have drive-thrus, so as the town had gained more tourist attention, the little cafes and bistros had decided they could perform the same service by just staying open later. There weren't many places in Equestria where someone could get a midnight scone with a cup of jasmine tea, but not a 40 of malt liquor. That was just the kind of night-life Ponyville supported: eager to please and persistently lame.

Trixie's stomach rumbled. "Uggh. Okay, okay, I'm on board, but while you stock up on booze I'm going to have to get some food. Where's the Wine Castle?"

"Should be around here," Punch murmured. "I don't usually come this way, from the bar. It's on Brunswick Lane, across from the miniplex."

"I cant eat this dainty junk" Trixie cried with dismay as they walked down the strip. There weren't many ponies out on the street this late... a few mules who had probably wandered from the bar looking for more substantial munchies, and a few colts who were making the most of a week night "out on the town". Trixie cringed at the sight of two teenagers playing checkers outside a coffee shop. Sometimes, Ponyville seemed like almost a completely different world. "Isnt there anywhere I can buy a curry bowl to go or something? Or a wrap? Something greasy and spicy?."

Berry Punch was only half paying attention. She was frantically looking back and forth between the buildings open and was starting to trot faster. "Huh... it should be here!"

"Wouldn't it be one of the biggest buildings around?" Trixie said. "If we just find the miniplex we- Punch?"

Punch had spotted something and had galloped off to go see it. Trixie couldn't hope to keep up, even if she'd been ready to follow. Magic definitely made life easier, and wings seemed like they'd be exhilarating... but you couldn't deny that earth ponies had supernatural levels of stamina. An earth pony, even an out-of-shape earth pony, could out-run, out-lift, and generally out-fight a unicorn or pegasus of the same size. It wasnt even a contest.

When Trixie caught up to the same block as Berry Punch, she found the earth pony staring in shock at a huge, empty warehouse-building. All signs had been stripped from it... all lights were out.

"This cant be..." Punch said, shaking her head. "I don't understand." Trixie looked across the street. There was the miniplex. They were in the right place. Across the street, a bunch of rowdy-looking pegasi and an earth pony were coming down the sidewalk, laughing loudly about something.

"This cant be right," Punch repeated, turning around to face Trixie. "I was just here two days ago! Why would they be gone?"

Trixie shrugged, offering a 'I sure wish I could help' look. "Is there anywhere else we could get booze tonight?"

"The corner store, I guess," Punch said. "But it's not-"

This time Trixie was the one who set off first, trotting towards the corner store. Reluctantly, Punch followed.

The bell rang as Trixie pushed the door open. The pony behind the counter was grey with a red circle with a diagonal line through the middle as his cutie mark. He was reading a magazine and didn't look up when they came in.

Trixie walked down the aisles towards the coolers where the booze would be kept, but Punch walked right up to the register.

"Excuse me..."

The cashier looked up. He had pretty deep circles under his eyes. "Yeah what's up?"

"I, uh... I thought there was a Wine Castle down the street. What happened?"

The cashier didn't close his magazine, but he set it down. "I hate to be the bearer of bad news, purple, but that place is closed for good. Sugargrape is taking production abroad, so they don't need a retail site here."

"But..." Punch's face fell. "Permanently? Like... forever?"

"Yeah, permanently like forever. Sorry babe."

Berry Punch shook her head. "No more Wine Castle... I cant believe it."

"Tragic," Trixie said, returning to the register. "But you know, at least you got some closure, right? So let's go to Los Pegasus now."

"Yeah man," the cashier said sympathetically. "Not much left to live for in Ponyville."

"What are those?" Punch said, noticing the bottles Trixie had levitated to the counter.

"Our booze," Trixie said. "There's not much else we can do, right?"

"Crab Red?" Punch scowled. "You have got to be kidding me. We are not drinking that pisscider."

"It's all they have here!"

"Sorry dude," cashier said, shrugging. "With Wine Castle down the street I never had a chance in the market, so I just stock what sells."

"Well, at least your sales should pick up now, right?" Trixie said with fake positivity. "Diminished competition and all that?"

"I dunno," the cashier said. "I guess, whatever. I'm packing up at the end of the week. A Ponyville without Wine Castle is no home to me."

"I just cant believe I never got one last chance to shop there," Berry Punch said.

"Dont you two think you're being just a little over-dramatic?" Trixie said. "It's just a liquor store."

"Nah man, nah," the cashier said. "It wasn't 'just' anything. wine Castle was, like... a fuckin booze kingdom. I gotta tell you, if no one comes in after 2, I'm just gonna say fuck it and head to the Castle out in Cherry Point."

There was a pause as this comment sank in. "The one out in Cherry Point is still open?"

"Yeah," the cashier said. "Until the end of tomorrow. Breaks my fuckin heart."

"Cherry Point is right outside of Canterlot," Punch murmured. "There's a train that runs straight there! Trixie!"

"Punch, that'll take us way off-course!" Trixie protested. "We'd never have enough time. Roadie Roan could be finding a way to Los Pegasus as we speak!"

"I cant leave without seeing it one last time," Punch said. "Trixie, please. It's all I have left!"

"May I interject for a second?" the cashier said, leaning forward. "As a Jiffy Mart employee for the past 3 years? If there's one thing I've learned, it's that if you're craving Wine Castle, the cider here just wont cut it. In fact... just thinking about those red, silk carpets in the aisles, the chandeliers over every light fixture. Those glistening, ice-cold refreshing ciders that just pour down your throat like molten gold... Shit, man." He stared off into space with a misty look in his eye. "And one of the janitors sold the stickiest purp I ever smoked."

"You could probably still find the janitor," Trixie said. "It's not like he ceased to exist."

"The point is," the cashier said, "if you really want something, and I mean you really want it, approximations dont matter. When you really want something, nothing else will satisfy. So maybe you mares should just suck it up and go to Wine Castle."

Berry Punch gave Trixie pleading eyes. "It would mean the world. Friend?"

Trixie put a hoof to her forehead. "...I know this is a bad idea, but... yeah, I think I want to go too."

"Yessss!" Punch cheered. "Yes yes yes! So it's agreed, then? We promise, here and now, mare to mare, that this quest will not end until we have gone to Wine Castle. Pippington promise?"

"Pippington promise," Trixie sighed. "But how are we going to get there? We're sort of putting the pony before the cart here."

"Why dont you guys take the 11:00 to Cherry Point / Canterlot?" the cashier suggested, pushing his train schedule across the counter towards Berry Punch. "The station is ten minutes away on foot, tops. You could make it if you leave soon."

Trixie levitated the schedule into her saddlebags. "Alright. Maybe this wont be too much of a detour. So long as we're out of town well before morning we should have enough of-"

The door to the Jiffy Mart slammed open, ringing the bell and knocking it down off the the chain it was hanging on to fall to the floor. Three pegasi and an earth pony came through the door, laughing loudly and hoof-bumping at having startled the ponies inside. They rudely brushed past Trixie and Berry Punch, bumping into them on the way to the cider cooler.

"Geez, what the hell?" Punch whispered. "That guy totally bumped into me on purpose!"

"Just let it go," Trixie whispered back. "We dont have time for this."

"But look at them!"

The earth ponies had opened a big bag of chips and was throwing them in the air while two of the pegasi were trying to catch them. They were crashing into shelves and knocking stuff all over the floor. One shouted "Extreme!" as he barreled into a display of two-liters.

Punch turned to the cashier. "You let these guys get away with this?"

The cashier pony shrugged. "Man, the universe usually sorts things out. Guys like that get what's coming to them."

"Yeah, but you're still going to have to clean up! That isn't-"

"Hey," the earth pony yelled at them. "What're you looking at, dorks?"

"He just called us dorks!" Punch protested, turning from the others to face the extreme punks. "You cant call us dorks!"

"Why not, dorks?" His friends burst into laughter at that, hoof-bumping in mid-air.

"Because we're adults," Trixie said. She seemed impatient with the speed at which Berry Punch was resolving the situation. "You cant bully adults, it's ridiculous."

"Oh yeah?" the earth pony said, slowly walking towards them with a cocky swagger and a shit-eating grin. "Then why don't you dorks do something about it?"

"Yeah, dorks!" said Extreme Pegasi #2.

"Punch," Trixie said firmly. "Come on. We're going."

"Yeah, listen to your girlfriend, butch chick!" Extreme Earth Pony jeered. "You better walk away! Dorks!"

"But..." Punch scowled, then reluctantly turned away from the extreme punks to head towartds the exit with Trixie. "Man, why do you get to be the girlfriend?"

The Extreme Ponies mocked them relentlessly as they left, waiting until the door closed behind them to resume throwing chips at each other. The cashier punch watched them go, then shrugged indifferently and returned to his magazine.

* * *

Meanwhile, Elsewhere...

"Fuschia with purple mane," Hop Burst said. She was outside the Saddlebag's Rest, sitting on the sidewalk. The guards had already gotten everyone outside of the bar, except for the patrons that were knocked unconsciousness- those had all been sent along to the hospital. A gray-skinned guard was watching the bartender over a pad of paper, and was writing down, in shorthand, everything she said. "Sort of a floppy hair style, mid-long."

"Cutie mark?"

"Umm. A bunch of grapes, next to a big strawberry. But officer, we're not going to be pressing charges. She's a good mare, okay? I just want to know she's alright."

The guard grunted with annoyance. "Ma'am, considering the extent of the public disturbance, we really recommend pressing charges. I understand that you see this mare as a friend and a customer, but it is apparent that she needs help. Innocent ponies don't run."

"Actually," Hop Burst, "there was another one with her. A unicorn. They disappeared at the same time. I suspect she was the one who started the disturbance."

The guard nodded, and turned a page. "Description?"

"Blue skin, with white... no, sort of silverish mane."

The guard looked up, his expression suddenly shifting from bored to wide-eyed. "And a wand cutie-mark? With sort of a moon-shaped cloud of smoke coming out of it?"

"She was wearing a cape the whole time. I never got a look at her cutie mark."

"Cape." The guard gritted his teeth. "That's her alright." He levitated his notepad back onto his utility belt. "Thank you ma'am. Your help has been indispensable and may help us bring a fugitive to justice."

"Fugitive?" Burst bit her lip. "Please... promise me you and your men wont let Berry Punch get hurt? She's... she's got a problem, and she makes mistakes sometimes, but she's a special pony. I just want her back safely."

"We'll do our best," the guard said gruffly, but he was already walking away. He climbed up into the passenger's side of the sky wagon. His pegasus partner was sitting in the driver's side, sipping a steaming beverage from a foam cup.

"Anything?" the pegasus guard said with a smirk that said showed he thought he already knew the answer.

The unicorn scowled. "She doesn't want to press charges against the drunk that started it. We'll have to wait until the stallion wakes up."

"Pfft, of course she doesn't," the pegasi said smugly. "Berry Punch is harmless, Fuzz. If you'd get the parasprite outta your ass and spend some time off-duty in Ponyville you'd know that. She's local color. Ponies like her."

The unicorn, 'Fuzz', shook his head. "She cold-cocked a guy in a public bar and ran away with a bar tab of over 70 bits. She's an addict and a criminal, Flats."

"Are we done?" 'Flats' said. "Let's pop over to the Taco Shack. I would abuse some civil rights for a #5 right now."

"Abuse civil rights on your own time," Fuzz said. "Bartender gave a description of Lady Lulamoon with the perp. We're following the lead."

"No shit?" Flats said. "Lulamoon? Well, they cant have gotten far. Let's put the siren on and harass some civilians, yeh?"

Flathoof extended a hoof with a grin. Fuzz looked down at the hoof, then back up at his partner's face. Flats drummed a hoof on the key, unturned but in the starter.

"C'mon, Fuzz. Dont leave me hanging."

Fuzz sighed and reluctantly hoofbumped for harassing civilians. Flathoof, satisfied, turned the key.

* * *

"Wait," Punch said (hungover in the future). "I'm confused. When did cops show up?"

"The cops haven't showed up yet," Trixie said, a little impatient. "The cops dont show up until later. I'm just introducing them now so it wont feel like they came out of nowhere when they show up later."

"Even though, for us, they did come out of nowhere? And how do you have any idea what they were talking about? Are you sure Hop Burst isnt pressing charges?"

"Listen, I'm slightly tweaking the sequence of events for the sake of narrative coherency. Do you have a problem with that?"

"Nah," Punch said. "I love narrative coherency, I'm all about that shit."

"Great," Trixie said. "So, back to us. We had a train to catch. "

* * *

It doesnt really matter what city you go to: public transportation at night is always a freak show. The few times Punch had been to the Ponyville Train Station it had been by daylight, and the crowd had been families and businessponies. She didn't see anyone that looked like a family here tonight.

Punch awkwardly leaned against the a map that helpfully showed where this station was in the context of the greater train network. Ponyville didn't need a map for their station itself, because there were only three platforms. There was Platform 1, which would take you south towards Ghastly Gorge, Appleloosa, and Dodge City. Then there was Platform 2, which would take you north to Canterlot and their destination, Wine Castle. That was where they were now.

Finally there was Platform 3, which went west through White Tail Woods towards Los Pegasus. That was the Platform Trixie kept staring at wistfully.

"We'll get to Los Pegasus," Punch said. "I promise."

"...I just hope Roadie Roan is still unconscious."

Berry Punch wandered a bit further away from the crowd of disheveled, zombie-like ponies. They all seemed to be staring off into space, but she still didnt want to discuss anything personal around them. They were strangers. Trixie followed.

"Okay, so what's the deal with the Los Pegasus thing?"

Trixie shrugged, not making eye contact. "It's like... with the help of an accomplice... I have stashed a lot of money in the city. Roadie Roan wants to get that money. And it's in neither of our interests to bring the guards in. Understand?"

Berry Punch nodded, her eyes wide. It was difficult to tell if her expression was serious. "Like... a lot a lot of money?"

"It's a fair amount," Trixie said. "And yes, we will share it. So long as you dont get us killed."

"Okay. That's pretty cool." Berry Punch tapped her hoof against the station map in thought, staring off into space. "And Roadie Roan knows where the money is? So this is like... a race against time."

Trixie shrugged. "He claimed to. I dont see any reason to assume he was lying, considering how much is at stake."

"Right, and... sorry to keep going back to this, but... how much are we talking about here? Like, thousands of bits, or-"

"Two point five million bits," Trixie said. "Some of it in unliquidated assets."

"And that's..." Punch frowned. "That's all... magic show ticket sales?"

Trixie fidgeted uncomfortably. "I think most of it Roadie Roan... stole. He was trying to mail it to a secure location with a friend of his, and I've been diverting the shipments and stashing it with an associate of my own."

"Isn't this kinda... morally, uh..."

"I've been thinking of it like pirate treasure," Trixie said quickly. "No one gives a shit who pirates stole all their gold from, right? Once it has gone into a treasure chest, it basically becomes fair game. You beat the pirates, you get the gold."

At that moment the train chugged it's way into the station, carefully aligning at the marked locations on the platform. The zombie ponies began to rise with their luggage, lurching towards the train doors.

"So..." Punch unslouched and moved towards the crowd, to be ready to have a clear path to the train once a place in line broke. "So basically what you're counting on here is for this adventure to legitimize you stealing 2.5 million bits from some douchebag, who stole it from other, nondouchebag ponies? A douchebag who worked for you the whole time?"

"A pirate douchebag," Trixie corrected. "And I did say I was going to share with you, didn't I?"

"Just making sure we're being honest with each other about it. You know who usually goes after pirate treasure? Other pirates. So let's be good pirates."

The pair boarded the train, stowing their punched tickets in saddlepockets. Finding a completely empty car was difficult- the nightrider zombies liked to spread out, and in fact many of them seemed to have already fallen asleep with their heads against the windows. But Trixie and Punch found a car with only one other pony, an old mare in the front right corner.

They sat down in the row on the opposite side, the rear left corner. Trixie took the window seat and Berry Punch took the aisle, with the bags right next to her feet.

"Alright, here we go," Punch said. "Train adventure, ahoy!" She stuck a hoof up in the air, pointing up and onwards at the future.

Trixie nodded with a terse look and levitated a blue sleeping mask out of her bags. She slipped them over her eyes and sighed, sitting back in her chair.

Punch's grin cracked, and she put her hoof down. "So, round of drinks to celebrate?"

"I thought we were staying sober until Wine Castle?" Trixie said, face pointed up at the ceiling.

"What? No, man. I just didnt want any Crab Red. When do they bring the drink cart around?"

"I dont care, Punch. I think I'm just gonna sleep until we get to Wine Castle."

"Awww..." Punch's ears drooped. "C'mon, I'm practically sober!"

"Well I'm not!" Trixie scowled at her, or at least in her general direction. "BP, I matched you almost drink for drink, and I didn't throw it all up. I just want to rest while I can, okay?"

"Yeah, alright," Punch said, with a somewhat sulky look that was lost on blindfolded Trixie. "I'll just have to catch up."

After a few minutes, the train left the station. By the time the drink cart came around, Trixie had started snoring. Berry Punch was already starting to feel like she was getting gypped on this adventure of self-discovery. One hour in already, and she didn't even have a buzz on.

The mare pulling the cart looked as zombie-like as the other passengers. She stopped for the mare in the front of the car, who slowly turned and waved her on. She rolled the cart on down the aisle to Berry Punch and-

KATHUMP-KATHUMP

-ran right over their luggage. Punch yelped and pulled it out of the aisle. "Hey, careful with that!"

"Please stow your luggage in the overhead compartment or keep it at your feet, ma'am," the cart-mare said. She wasn't even making eye contact! "Luggage is not permitted in the aisle."

"Sure, whatever," Punch said, impatiently. "Look, get me a rum and cola. ...no, two rum and colas. Bloody Mare for my friend."

"Your friend is asleep, ma'am," the cart-mare said. "And I'm afraid I am not authorized to sell alcoholic beverages at this hour."

"Whaaaat?" Berry Punch looked at her wrist. She didn't have a watch. "It's, what... a little past 11?"

"We dont serve alcohol past 8 PM, ma'am. It's the law, ma'am. Train law."

"That's a law?" Punch sighed. "Train law is a thing?"

"Train law is very serious, ma'am. Our policies are strictly monitored by the Canterlot Transit Regulatory Board. Is there anything nonalcoholic I can get you, ma'am?"

Punch glared at the assortment of carbonated carrot-flavored beverages. "Nevermind. You're useless to me."

"Just doing my job, ma'am," the cart-mare droned snippily, and continued pulling her cart on to the next car.

Berry Punch grumbled as she grabbed the luggage and lifted up to put it in the overhead compartment. As she did, something light fell to the ground. She couldnt look to see what it was until the saddlebags were out of her hooves.

When she did, her eyes went wide with awe and delight. There, on the floor in a little plastic baggy, was what looked like a quarter of merryleaf. She grabbed the bag and sat back down quickly, looking both ways to see if anyone had noticed.

They had not. Coast was clear.

Berry Punch opened the bag and inhaled deeply. The dank, skunky smell sent a tingle down her spine. It looked a little seedy, and a lot of it was shake, but dat stank! Apparently Trixie bought good shit. Just when she was starting to have doubts about this friendship! She poked Trixie with a hoof. "Trixypix! Where dyou keep your papers?"

Trixie grumbled in her sleep and shifted into the seat so she was facing away from Berry Punch, covering her exposed ear with her hoof. As Berry Punch watched incredulously, Trixie resumed snoring.

"Unbelievable," Punch said, shaking her head. "Am I the only pony here with my priorities straight?" She rifled through Trixie's gear, but she didnt have a pipe or any rolling papers... just a shiny metal lighter with a name on it: "Arcana Palace". She also found a hotel drawer-sized copy of the Solar Manuscript. Punch knew from experience, the pages should be thin enough.

She also found a neat little olive beret. It was probably Roadie Roan's, but it smelled okay. Punch tossed the baggie of leaf and the lighter inside and flopped it on top of her head. This was a much easier to way carry stuff around than big old saddlebags, and she was pretty sure she was rocking this look anyway. The Solar Manuscript she carried with her. Berry Punch set off in search of a place to toke up.

* * *

Trixie stood in a massive, marble hall, flanked by massive statues of unicorns. They towered over her, and she could feel their stony eyes on her as she walked slowly through the chamber. She couldn't see the other side of the room. It looked like there was a wall, and maybe a door, on the horizon... but she wasn't getting any closer to it. Still, she focused on that, because she did not want to look at the statues.

She knew the names engraved at the base of each one. Knew them by heart. To the left, up ahead... there was Abigor, the batpony sorceror. His kind had eventually bred themselves into extinction with the pegasi, but a rare few of the pure ones had commanded power over the darker arts. All gone now.

Behind her, the one she had just passed, was Clover the Clever, the unicorn maester that was the key unicorn representative in the founding of Equestria. At her prime, she had rebuilt Canterlot in its entirety, with one mighty spell. But the old walls had all fallen down centuries ago. They'd been rebuilt again by other ponies.

These statues haunted Trixie, but one more than all the others. The others... their greatness loomed over her, but not like the one statue she could not face. The statue she knew was always behind her.

"We believe in you, Trixie," one statue whispered.

"You possess limitless potential," hissed another.

She ignored them.

"Trixie," Starswirl the Bearded said. Arguably one of the greatest arcanologists in pony history. But even he had been unable to prevent his own death, and the world he had given his life to build was frozen by the hate of his descendants. How many truly understood him? Lost, as all great and powerful ponies inevitably were.

He was just up ahead, to her right. "Trixie. We see into your heart. We know that you will become great."

"and powerful," added another statue, across from him. One of the changeling lich queens. Damarang the Blackhearted. She'd nearly conquered Equestria, once, but for the intervention of a mischievious avatar of Chaos. But now her race was reduced to scavenging. "You will command the wills of other ponies. They will obey you."

"They'll love you"

"Trixie"

"Trixie!"

"Stop," Trixie sobbed. "Leave me alone!"

The room was changing around her. It hadn't stopped being infinitely large, but the distance between the statues was decreasing. They were closing to her, leaning forward to block out the sky.

"Trixie! Miss Trixie!"

"Trixie," another voice called out. Trixie knew the last statue was behind her. She couldn't look. She wouldn't. "Trixie. Face me. Face your destiny."

"Miss Trixie"

The world was compressing and there was nothing but the statues, everywhere, chanting, encouraging and jeering at the same time. They mocked her weakness.

"Trixie!"

"Miss Trixie!"

She couldn't move forward. The statues were all around her. Trixie could feel them worming into her mind. She could feel their old hopes and dreams, wrapping around her and threatening to smother her.

"Miss Trixie!"

Trixie's eyes flew open. There was nothing but black all around her, but the voices were gone. The statues were gone. She was alone. She could feel an ambient rumbling all around her.

"Hey, Miss Trixie! Are you okay?"

Slowly, Trixie's groggy mind processed what was happening. She wasnt surrounded by blackness. She was still wearing that thing over her eyes. And that voice... that slightly nasally coltish voice... She groaned as it slowly registered, and pulled off her sleeping mask.

"What the fuck are you two doing here?"

It was Snips and Snails, the idiot colts that had led the Ursa Minor into town. Trixie scowled.

"Whoa," Snips said, raising his hooves in a defensive gesture. "You looked like you were having a panic attack. Just trying to help."

"You okay, Miss Trixie?" the bigger one, Snails, asked.

She sighed. "Yes, I'm fine. I was just napping, I-" She looked around. "Where'd Berry Punch gone?"

"Berry Punch?" Snails tilted his head. "Ruby's mom is here?"

"Yes, we're- wait, what?"

"Nevermind that," Snips said. "Good to see you again, Miss Trixie, but we have to find a dracogram booth!"

Trixie shook her head to clear it. "Alright. Good luck, boys. If you see Berry Punch, could her ask her to come back?"

"Sure, no problem!" Snip said, pulling Snails along with him. Snails followed reluctantly, looking back at Trixie with a big goofy grin.

Trixie sat in silence for a moment, then turned back suddenly. "Wait, before you go- what was that you were saying about Berry Punch? Being a mom?"

Snips took a few steps back so he was back in Trixie's line of sight. "She's got a little filly in our school. Ruby Pinch. She didn't mention her?"

Trixie frowned. "She alluded to family, but-"

"Well, no one really knows," Snails said. "Ruby never talks about anyone but Berry Punch at her house, but I dont think she ever said she was her mom." Snails grinned bashfully. "She's pretty hot, though, right?"

"Okay, that's enough of that," Snips said, rolling his eyes. "C'mon, Snails." The taller colt blushed, and followed his friend out of the car.

Trixie watched them go, troubled. A daughter? Really?

* * *

Berry Punch's first idea was to go to a bathroom, but everyone she found has a pony already in it. It seems like almost have the train passengers were barricading themselves in the bathrooms. She wasnt sure if that was because they were creepy ponies with the bathroom-sickness, or fellow stoners that had beaten her to the punch.

The train actually had a smoking car... for ponies to smoke tobacco. Punch passed through it and saw old stallions clenching cigars in ancient, locked jaws. They were behind glass on each side of the corridor, to keep the smell ventilated away from the rest of the train. Their eyes barely followed her as she passed through. To Punch, they looked like caged specimens: Equus fumus. She moved on, and as she did her eye caught a clock on the wall: 11:21. Good to know.

Soon enough, Berry Punch found an empty private car, with opaque walls on each side of the aisle. At any point one of those pushy train ladies could walk by, but they wouldn't be able to see Punch unless they opened the door, and why would they? The car also had a window, and way better seats than where she and Trixie had been sitting. Berry Punch flopped down on the comfy seat and took off her hat just long enough to get out her lighter and the bag of grass.

Giving the merryleaf a longer, critical look, Punch had to admit that it didnt really look dank. The upper echelons of mids, perhaps, but no more. Still, it would be a good smoke. She opened to a random page in the Solar Manuscript and curiously scanned the text.

It said:

30 The stallion answered and said unto them, Why herein is a marvelous thing, that ye know not from whence she is, and yet she hath raised thy very morning sun for which you would see.
31 Now we know that Celestia heareth not the Bad Pony; but if any pony be a worshiper of her light, and obeyeth her will, him she heareth.
32 Since the world began was it not heard that any pony moved the stars by their own power.
33 If she were not daughter of skies, sister of light, mother of earth, she could do nothing.

"Cool story bro," Punch grinned, and ripped the page out. She lined up an even distribution of leaf on the page with her hoof. Earth pony hooves were clumsy, but not as much as one might think. Pretty soon she had rolled a pretty tight joint, and with plenty of leaf left in the bag to spare. She smiled at her craftsmanship. Using somepony else's leaf made rolling a fat joint a joy.

She cranked down the window and sparked the first hit. She took a long pull, facing out the window, and let the smoke she couldn't hold in out through her nose. She liked exhaling that way.

Smoking a joint by oneself is no easy task. Within a circle, a pony can have time in between hits to recover. A joint burns constantly, and with nopony to help with it a lot of leaf is burned without being inhaled. Berry Punch considered herself, if nothing else, a thrifty drug-user, and so she used this rationalization to keep taking hits even when she felt like she wanted to cough her lungs hoarse. Hehe... hoarse.

She passed two minutes quickly, getting down to the last third of the joint. So far it didn't seem like anypony could smell the smoke outside this car. Berry Punch smirked and enjoyed the cold, rushing air from the window on her face. So much for Train Law.

Suddenly the door burst open.Punch jumped and fumbled the joint in a panic, flipping it out the window. She could only look on in dismay. Just like that, it was gone... and the room reeked of merryleaf. She spun around in horror, eyeing the intruders. They were... two young colts?

"Oh shit kids," Berry Punch said, squinting through the darkness in horror at Snips and Snails. "Um, stay in school. D-drink milks."

"What're you doing in here all alone, Berry Punch?" asked the squat, slightly nasally colt.

"How do you even know my name?" Punch groaned. "What the hell."

"We go to school with your daughter," the taller pony chimed in.

"For FUCKS SAKE she's my little sister!" Punch said through gritted teeth. "How old do you think I am?"

"Old enough to be smoking better leaf than this," Snips said, rolling his eyes. "Why does it smell like schwag in here?"

"What," Berry Punch said, her paranoia shifting into indignation. "No, kid, no. This is good weed. Dont you come around here, poking your nose in my coatroom, telling me my herb is schwag. That is disrespectful. Do not disrespect me."

"You're disrespecting yourself if you're going to smoke anything less than the best," Snips said. He reached into his saddlebags and pulled out a small pill bottle. He unscrewed the cap and tilted it towards Berry Punch. Her gaze traveled down the inside of the cylinder and found a single nug. It was more purple than green, and the bud glistened with tiny, sparkling crystals. Punch could almost hear an alicorn chorus singing in exultation. Snips raised a smug eyebrow. "You should be smoking this."

"You..." Punch's mouth hung open. "Celestia help me, I should be smoking that! Okay. Fuck. Come in, close the door."

Snails was already using his magic to retrieve a massive clear plastic bong from his saddlebags. It was easily taller than Snips. He pulled a water bottle out, as well, and poured a little into the tube.

"So..." Punch scratched her head. Snips placed that beautiful nug into the grinder and began to turn it. She bit a lip. "So what are the hell are you guys doing out here so late?"

"We got the munchies so we decided to go to Hot Dog Heaven," Snails said, grinning. "What about you, what are you doing?"

"Going to Wine Castle," Berry Punch said. "There's a 24-hour one out in Cherry Point."

"Yeah?" Snips said. "Think you could pick me up a handle of Maneischewitz? I wanna impress this filly at school."

"That would be a felony, Snips," Berry Punch severely as he levitated the bong to her. She held her lighter down and took a long pull on the bong, scorching the the entire surface of the bowl and letting the chamber fill with thick, milky white smoke. Once it was full, she pulled the bowl and inhaled until her lungs were full and the bong was empty. She exhaled through her nostrils, giving her the impression of some kind of diabolic dragon-bull. Smoke wreathed her head and she almost made it to the end when her throat caught and she began to cough. Just a little cough, but the small cough got bigger until she was lying on the floor hacking her lungs out. Finally, the cough went away and she shivered from mane to hooves. Fuck yes.

Snips grinned and hit the bowl himself. He had levitated the bong away when Punch started coughing.

"Damn, this shit hits hard fast," Punch said, still on the floor. "What is this stuff? Where'd you get it?"

"It's my own strain!" Snips exclaimed. "I cross-it bred from Blue Cheese and Heavy Debby. I call it Ribbon Cutter!"

"Shit kid," Punch croaked. "You've got a super-special talent. You could go places with this."

"No kidding!" Snails said.

"Dude," Snips said, giving Snails an annoyed sideways glance. "Yeah Punch, I'm really happy with it. It's a little too munchie-inducing, though, you have no idea how bad I want those hot dogs."

"Mmm hot dogs," Punch said dreamily. "Okay man, I think I can cover you for a bottle of Maneishewitz." She stared up at the ceiling of the coatroom. This was a pretty tight train after all. "Good shit."

"Thanks," Snips said with a smirk. He levitated a pill bottle with one nug of Ribbon Cutter over to Berry Punch. "Here, take a bud for the road."

Punch's eyes lit up and she stowed the pill bottle in her beret. "You better not get Ruby drunk, though. And... dont tell Cheerilee."

"Cheerilee's cool! We smoked with Cheerilee once!" Snails said brightly. "It was so cool."

"It really wasn't that big of a deal," Snips said. "You dont need to make it such a big deal."

"It was a big deal," Snails said directly to Berry Punch. He passed the bong back to Snips, who tapped the ashes out the window. "It was such a big deal. We shared a moment."

"My friend here is a champion of hopeless causes," Snips said. "It's his height. The altitude is bad for his head."

"I'm just mature for my age," Snails said. "All the girls our age are so obsessed with, like, cutie marks and stuff. Hey, that reminds me! We ran into Trixie on the way here! Remember her, from the magic thing? With the bear?"

"Please don't talk about that," Snips said, putting his hooves to his face in shame. "It seemed like such a cool plan at the time."

"Yeah, anyway, she was looking for you, Punch! Wanted to tell you to come find her."

Punch snorted. "Already? She was passed out when I left."

"Well she was tossing and turning in her sleep when we saw her," Snips sailed. "Right in her seat, mumbling stuff. It was awkward."

Berry Punch tilted her head with concern. "Nightmares, huh? ...I'm surprised you guys left her side. You were hanging on her every word last time she came to town."

"We were really baked," Snips said. "Anyway, pretty sure she hates us after what we pulled. Didn't stop Snails from going googly-eyed at her, though."

"C'mon, dude! I'm way over her. So many other mares in this town, anyway." A sly smile crossed his face. "By the way... that's a pretty cute hat, Miss Punch."

Berry Punch giggled at that. "You little charmer. Thanks, I stole it."

"Stand down, loverboy," Snips said, snorting. He smiled at Berry Punch. "I'm sorry, I wish we could sesh again but we're actually in the middle of a whole thing."

"Snips!" Snails protested, with a 'dude, you're blowing it!' face. "I mean, we have a little time!"

"No more distractions, no more detours! " Snips said. "You see what I'm dealing with here? C'mon, we gotta find a dracogram booth before we arrive at the station if we're gonna get to Hot Dog Heaven."

Snails' face sank. "Aww..."

Berry Punch didnt get up, but she raised a hoof to wave goodbye as they packed up their bong. "Later dudes. Thanks for the bud!"

"Later!" they called out in unison, and stepped out of the room.

Seconds later the two colts came back through the door and shut it behind them. Their expressions were fixed into a rictus of intense horror. Punch looked at them, confused. She could see the fear in their eyes. In a flash of chemically-enhanced paranoia, she knew exactly what had spooked the boys.

"Cops," she whispered.

* * *

Flathoof walked a pace behind his partner, Fuzz. Neither pony was "in charge", or anything so simple, but this was more Fuzz's case than anyone. Flathoof didn't know the Lulamoons from the Lemondrops. Fuzz had... history.

"Yo, Fuzz. Can you smell that?"

Fuzz raised an eyebrow, but since he didn't turn around or even slow down, Flathoof didnt see it. "Is it a real smell?"

"It's not a symbolic smell," Flathoof said. "I actually smell something and I want to know if you recognize it."

"Flats, now is not the time to joke around."

"Ribbon Cutter," Flathoof said in a low growl. "I smell it. In one of these cars, I just know it."

"Who cares?" Fuzz said. "I'm sorry but how is tracking down somepony smoking leaf even remotely relevant right now? Do you not get how important it is that we find this crazy broad?"

"Oh wow, you actually said broad," Flathoof said. "Not even ironically or anything. Wow, man. Chill. We're on a train. She isn't going anywhere. Let's confiscate something to celebrate catching her!"

"No," Fuzz said. "If you want leaf, after this we'll go hit up Heady Meds and grab a dime. And we'll pay for it. We're not stealing somepony's Ribbon Cutter, and we're certainly not doing it with Lulamoon still on the loose."

The two stared at each other for a moment of tense silence. The moment stretched on... and Fuzz cracked first, grinning widely. After that Flathoof couldn't hold it in and started to crack up laughing.

Both ponies chuckles for a while, then sighed. Flathoof wiped a tear from his eye. "Ah. Okay. But seriously?"

"Lulamoon first. Then, if you find the stoner before we get off the train, yes, you can take his leaf."

"Yessss," Flathoof cheered, pumping a hoof.

"But you cant arrest him, alright?" Fuzz said. "We dont have time to escort three ponies."

"Well I wouldn't want to be a dick about it."

Snips, Snails, and Berry Punch stood as still as they possibly could in their private car as the cops passed right by their door. The cops didn't seem to be checking any of the private rooms, in fact. They seemed like they knew where they were going.

When they could hear for sure that the cops had left the hallway, the colts breathed a sigh of relief. But Berry Punch was looking even more panicked than before.

"Guys, is Lulamoon, like... Trixie's family name or something? They mentioned her a few times and... I mean she's got a moon on her flank.

"I wasn't really looking at her flank," Snails whispered, staring up at the ceiling.

"I think... I think the cops are going to arrest her." Berry Punch shook her head, trying to clear out the cobwebs. She was way too high for this but her friend needed her. They'd made a promise to go to Wine Castle together, and that meant they couldn't do it alone.

Berry Punch put a hoof to her chin and frowned. Somewhere, beneath the haze, a plan was starting to form.

"Snips," Berry Punch said, staring off into space. "Do you remember that rope trick you did at the talent show?"

"The snake charmer bit, that we pretty much completely stole from Trixie's set?" Snips said skeptically. "I thought it was hackish, but-"

"Do you think you could lift a pony's weight on one of those ropes, if you focused on it with your magic?"

"Uh... yeah, sure. Either of us could, easy. Why?"

Berry Punch licked her lips. "Their skywagon will be docked near the front of the train. We're probably not far from there. We'll have to act quickly, but... I think I have an idea?"

"What kind of idea?" Snails asked. There was a dim unease in his tone. He was not a clever pony, but he knew when he was about to do something unwise on the behalf of a pretty mare.

Punch's eyes gleamed and she put her hooves on the colts' shoulders, like a coach about to pump up her team. "How long do you boys think you can distract two cops?"


* * *

Fuzz pulled his gun from his holster. He glanced over at Flathoof, Who had unloaded his collapsible battle saddle and was now hovering with his mini-turrets pointed at the door.

"Show-off."

"Nice handgun, does that come in a 'stallions'?"

"Fuck you," Fuzz said good-naturedly, and slammed the doors open. He stepped in to see...

An old mare, knitting a... something... to the immediate left of the door. She didn't seem to have noticed the armed entrance at all. Fuzz grimaced. Transit zombie.

The rest of the car was empty. Flathoof flew in behind him, looking skeptical. "Maybe she went to the bathroom?"

"Bathroom is the way we came," Fuzz reminded. Flathoof grunted in response.

"Alright," Fuzz said, after checking underneath the seats. "Probably just another of her famous disappearing acts. You hold that door, I'll scout out the next few cars."

Trixie was curled up on the ceiling, trying to stay as quiet as possible. The invisibility spell she could maintain indefinitely, if she had to, but the reversed personal gravity spell she could maintain for another three minutes, at most. As the unicorn cop moved on to the next car, she watched the pegasus below her.

Flathoof stared off into space, clearly bored and humming some tune to himself. He wasn't paying close attention, but he'd definitely notice if she hit the floor.

Trixie bit her lip and started inching towards the door. If she could climb through the top of the door, right over the pegasus's head... but it would be close. If he flew up a little, he would bump her. She watched him, sweat beading on her forehead.

"Yeah i wish that i had jessie's mare, bada bada bada bada ba jessie's mare, bada bada bada ba, where can i find a filly like that, like-"

Trixie set her first hoof down on the wall, swiveling her gravity spell to smoothly reorient her. The sensation was something like falling at the ground, and then, just as you are about to hit it, finding youself standing upright. It was unsettling, and on top of all those cocktails from the Saddlebag's Rest, Trixie felt like she was going to be sick. Physically sick.

"cuz she's watchin him with those eyyyyes! and she's lovin him with that body i just know it" Flathoof continued singing quietly to himself. The only other sound in the car was the click and clack of the 'transit zombie' mare's knitting needles.

Trixie was so close. She was holding back a stomach full of tomato juice and vodka and who even remembers what else, but she was just a hoofstep away from the door. It was still open. She just had climb over the door frame...

"Jessie's Mare!" Flathoof sang out, hitting the chorus with renewed energy and zipping sharply into the air. He crashed into Trixie's right shoulder, battle-saddle first, disrupting her concentration and abruptly ending the gravity spell. Trixie crashed down on the floor with a thud, badly bruising her back.

The pegasi landed on the ground too, but he reacted quickly, deploying his personal ScoutBuck E.F.S. tactical visor and activating his battle-saddle targeting spell. The guns made an ominous clacking "reloading" sound that didn't actually do anything. Flathoof always sprang for the intimidation features.

The goofy pegasus was a locked-and-loaded war machine, and he was in between her and the door. Trixie crawled back from him in horror. She was still invisible, but only on the assumption that his targeter didn't have heat vision. She didn't even have any good cover, here. Trixie closed her eyes and prepared to dismiss her spell and come quietly.

"Hey, pig!" a voice called from beyond the door. Trixie gaped.

Snips was in the next car, holding with his magic in the air what Trixie was pretty sure was the biggest blunt she'd ever seen. It was practically the girth of the colt's hoof... it had to be a half an ounce, all by itself. Trixie and Flathoof watched in awe as Snips took a twenty second pull on the blunt. The cherry was pointed right at the pegasi, glowing red and strong and defiant. Flathoof, for his part, was too surprised (and though he'd never admit it, impressed) to make a move against the colt.

Snips exhaled and for a few seconds, the whole area around him was blanketed in thick, milky smoke, like he'd thrown down a ninja smoke bomb. When it cleared, he hadn't disappeared. He was just a few steps back, next to the door he'd come in through.

Snips raised his blunt and tilted with a mock salute. "Want a hit, pig? Come and get it!" And he dashed back through the door.

Flathoof's jaw dropped and he charged after the colt. Whatever interest he'd feigned in the "hold the door" initiative was out the window.

Trixie sighed and dismissed her invisibility spell, catching her breath. Her heart was pounding like a drum. She looked back and forth between the doors, trying to decide which way to go. Towards the front, to flank the triggerhappy pegasus? Towards the rear, to flank the unicorn officer? What was worse, she was pretty sure she recognized that one...

She had to find Berry Punch. They had to get the hell out of here. Or maybe she should just escape on her own. That seemed for the best, really. She shouldn't be putting Berry, Berry who had a daughter she never mentioned, into this kind of danger. Maybe-

The train of thought was interrupted by the sound of a hoof tapping against reinforced glass. Trixie looked in the direction of the sound.

Berry Punch was hanging outside the window. Outside the train. She was wearing some kind of armor that looked like a flight suit with grey and blue stripes down the sleeves. On her head was, of all things, Roadie Roan's olive beret. Around her legs and her midsection she was strapped into a harness made out of glowing ropes.

Berry Punch waved and gave her a grin. Trixie boggled vacantly.

Before Trixie could react with any kind of communication, the door to the rear of the train slammed back open and Detective Fuzz returned, gun trained on Trixie. In surprise, she backed up out of the aisle, next to the window.

"Lady Lulamoon," Fuzz said.

"Fuck," Trixie said.

"You're under arrest for multiple counts of conspiracy to commit grand larceny, and the attempted murder of the pegasus Daisy Chains. Do you understand your rights?"

"I understand that you cant shoot that thing at me," Trixie said. "Not if you want to keep your job."

Fuzz narrowed his eyes and levitated a set of a hoofcuffs. "No. And I'm not going to have to."

Trixie's eyes darted over to the window. It was just out of Fuzz's field of vision, so he couldn't see what she was looking at.

"We both know you can make all these charges disappear, Lady," Fuzz said. "But you're going to have to come quietly."

Berry Punch was mouthing something to her. Trixie couldn't quite make it out. Five words? No... four words, five syllables.

"Just stand down and we can all go home."

Trixie watched:

"Jump
Out
The
Win
Dow," Berry Punch mouthed.

As if in a trance, Trixie unbuckled the latch on the window. It wouldn't open low enough to jump out but with some gravity adjustment... Fuzz froze.

"I don't think you want to do that," he said slowly. "I don't know what you're thinking about but I'm pretty sure you haven't taken into consideration how fast this train is going right now.

"The Great and Powerful Trixie is supposed to fear such a trivial matter as velocity?" Trixie said. "Trixie cannot be harmed by such petty concerns."

"Lady. ...Trixie. Dont-"

The cop sprang forward, trying to slap the cuffs on her legs with his telekinesis. Trixie reacted instinctively, slamming the window fully open, re-invoking the gravity incantation and flipping out of Fuzz's range. She dashed out the window and without a floor beneath her to orient gravity, her world turned around and around like a horrible amusement fair ride.

The world outside the train was dark and cold and the wind howled in her ears everywhere. Trixie didnt have a grip on anything, couldnt even tell what way was up, but she felt strong hooves holding her and saw more of those glowing ropes lashing around her limbs. She resisted the urge to kick wildly at the danger and clinged back to whatever was holding her. She tried to keep her eyes open and stay aware of her surroundings but the wind kept forcing her to close them again. She saw... Snails, wearing the same blue and grey striped armor that Berry was wearing. His horn was glowing and he was shouting something at... Trixie? Berry?

Berry Punch shifted Trixie onto her back, and Trixie held onto her with hooves and magic. She had heard that earth ponies were stronger, of course, and she'd seen it in Roadie Roan, but she was still surprised at how easy it seemed to be for her. Trixie squeaked and covered

her eyes as Berry Punch made a charge for the edge of the car.

They jumped, and Trixie was pretty sure she screamed but could hear nothing but the wind. She continued to grip onto Berry Punch for dear life as she charged across the roof of the train.

After what felt like it had dragged on for minutes, Berry Punch leaned for the right side of the car, and as Trixie screamed bloody murder she jumped down off the side, landing with a thump in the cop's docked sky wagon.

Trixie immediately ruined the vehicle by vomiting across the passenger's side of it, moaning in agony.

"Okay," Berry Punch said, catching her breath. "That should slow them down a little. At least until we can get the hell out of here. How's tricks, Trix?"

"Yoouu..." Trixie pointed at her. "How?"

"Cool, right?" Punch grinned. "AirBuck urban flight suit. Pegasus magic. Makes you pretty much immune to wind. I stole them from here, and with Snail's rope trick we rappelled across the trains-"

"This..." Trixie gazed around the skywagon. "This is... Detective Fuzz's car. Oh. Oh man, we should steal this, Punch."

"What? No, we're not stealing a cop car. We cant fly this thing."

"I can fly this thing," Trixie said. "Yes. Fuck yes I can. Move over, lemme hotwire it."

"Skywagons are pegasus magic," Punch said impatiently. "You cant fly it."

"'Pegasus magic' is fakey-fake bullshit," Trixie said. "Having wings is not magic. Doing stuff with weather is not magic. There are magic spells to do those things, and unicorns cast them. But what pegasi do is not magic."

Berry Punch folded her arms. "You don't know what the fuck you're talking about, okay? You're talking to a mare who built a 1:256th scale model of this exact sundamned vehicle for her fourth grade science project, so don't tell me what your magic can do. You and try and feed an arcane surge into the starter and it's going to backfire and scorch your horn, and then you're probably going to throw up on me. Bet on it."

"If it has feedback glyph, fine, that's unicorn magic and I can disarm it. What then?"

Berry Punch was about to respond when the two heard a gunshot, close, and screams inside the train. They looked at each other.

"Okay, then what was your plan?" Trixie said hastily.

"We disconnect the docking clamp on the sky wagon and fall off the train," Berry Punch said. "And then we run the fuck away."

"That's a terrible plan," Trixie said. "We're going back to my plan. Search the seats, there's gotta be a spare key hidden somewhere."

The two ponies scrambled through the center console, glove compartment, checked under the seats, but found nothing. The chaos in the train nearby was getting louder and closer. Through the open door to the train, Punch happened to catch Snips eye as he ran by, puffing on an enormous blunt and cackling hysterically. She tried to call out to him, but he ran right by, followed by a furious, heavily armed pegasus.

"I still feel like my plan was pretty excellent up to this point," Punch said.

"Punch, look at this," Trixie said. She was staring at something she'd found in a panel on the passenger's door, in an area mostly spared by her projectile vomiting. There was a little locked compartment. Trixie focused her magic into a wire point and picked the lock. Punch and Trixie leaned forward together and found a small panel with two buttons and a switch.

The switch set ARM / DISARM and was set to DISARM. The buttons said L SEAT EJECT and R SEAT EJECT.

Trixie and Berry Punch both looked at each other.

"Why do I have a feeling that you're formulating a new plan?" Trixie grimaced.

"Parachutes..." Punch murmured. She found the lever on the side of her seat to pop the trunk. Then she opened the door climbed around on the platform connected to the train, crawling carefully towards the trunk. She could open it, but she'd be very close to edge.

"You cant seriously be considering-" Trixie began, but was cut off when Punch shut the door behind her. That other detective sounded like he was close. Or at least the shouting was close.

Punch looked in the trunk and frowned. She gathered up what she found, and returned to the driver's side of the skywagon.

"There's only one parachute," Berry Punch said.

Trixie nodded, absorbing this information.

"Which is good, because the parachute is designed to deploy glider wings and interface with an AirBuck suit, and of course I'm the only one of us wearing one."

Trixie continued nodding, with a frown. "That doesn't sound good."

"Well, see, I can fly a glider. We'll be able to fly away from the cops."

"It sounds like you'll be able to fly away from the cops," Trixie said. "What am I supposed to do?"

"I'll carry you!" Punch said. She was already connecting the clip fastening the parachute to the back of her flight suit. "Just like I did on the roof. Come on, you know I can do it."

"Up there? In the sky?" Trixie shuddered. "With nothing but you holding me up?"

"Yeah, what's the problem?"

Two more gunshots, but this time they were no far-off thing. In front of Trixie and Berry Punch, the windshield shattered. Skywagon windows were built to withstain incredible amounts of force, especially cop skywagon windows, but whatever Flathoof was packing was not standard ordinance. Snips was nowhere in sight and Flathoof looked enraged. He had just fired two rounds into his own vehicle and he looked ready to strangle the mares responsible for it coming to pass. Smoke coiled from his battle saddle and he zoomed in with his E.F.S. to fire again.

"Nevermind the problem, Trixie cried, scrambling across broken chips of windshield glass, climbing onto Berry Punch's lap. She turned the switch to ARM and punched L SEAT EJECT.

Once again, the world around Berry Punch and Trixie vanished as powerful pegasi enchantments propelled Berry Punch and Trixie screaming into the clouds. Trixie clung to Berry Punch and made a frantic whimpering sound. Just as they began to lose altitude, Berry Punch deployed the paragliders wings. They immediately lifted back up and began to drift through the air. Punch hooted with delight.

A bar had been deployed, and Trixie now wrapped her hooves around it and clung to it with her magic, too, for good measure. Berry Punch didnt have to hold the bar- the glider wings were attached to her back and she seemed pleased as punch to just act like they were her wings. The sky was too inky black to see, but they were well above the land and would not be in danger of colliding with anything any time soon.

As she began to adjust to her new situation, Trixie forgot to be terrified and started looking down at the ground. Everything was so very tiny. They were already well away from the train, and the track was too small to see.

"Okay," Trixie said. "Where are we going now?"

Punch looked at her as if she was stupid. "Where do you think? We're going to Wine Castle."

Trixie shook her head. "Berry. C'mon, you cant be serious. The cops have ID'd us. We cant go to Cherry Point. And we'd never get there by glider, anyway, we'll lose altitude before then."

"I know," Punch said. "I'm just going to fly in the direction of Canterlot and hope we find transport further."

"That's stupid," Trixie said. "This is stupid. The cops are shooting at us! We should just go to Los Pegasus, get money, get out of Equestria and live like alicornian fucking princesses in some griffin resort."

"Nope, we're going to Wine Castle."

"Gahh! How can you be so dumb about this? We're in serious trouble here, Punchy!"

"Trixie," Punch said. "We promised. We're going. And that's all there is to say about the matter.

Trixie hissed with frustration, beat her head aginst the glider hangbar once, and sighed. Finally, she said, "Alright, dammit. But we're going the wrong way."

Berry Punch looked at her suspiciously.

"No, seriously," Trixie said. She shifted a little closer to Punch to give her room on the right to point off at distant lights. "See those lights down there? That's Cherry Point. We're going to land way way short of it but if we head on that course we could walk there in about... two hours?"

"Two hours?" Berry Punch boggled. "Okay, fine. And then we'll catch a taxi to Los Pegasus or something."

"Yes," Trixie said. "I'm sure it will be that easy."

The glider was approaching the canopy line. Luckily, while they were flying along a treeline, they weren't on a course to crash with any of them. Trixie cleared her throat.

"Maybe set us down on that hill over there," Trixie said.

Punch nodded. She moved her arms. The course of the glider didnt change.

"You're coming in a little fast, arent you?" Trixie said, with a rising panic in her voice.

Punch grunted. "It's not... I cant steer it."

"What do you mean you cant steer it?!'

The glider was on a crash course for a parked wagon on top of the hill. Trixie shook her head no, as if disapproving enough could change their course.

"Trixie," Berry Punch said. "What time is it?"

They had less than ten seconds to impact. Trixie looked down at her watch, and back up at Berry Punch.

12:04. Close enough for a midnight wagon ride.

* * *

"Is that the wagon we're in now?" Berry Punch asked in the future, still nursing a hangover.

"No," Trixie said. "It is not."

Punch still couldn't remember everything, but the overall narrative was beginning to swim back to her. "Is that how I got brain damage? Crashing into a wagon? I vaguely remember a different wagon, too... and singing?"

"Let's not get ahead of ourselves," Trixie said dryly. "One wagon at a time. We were on a hill..."

* * *

But not for long. The impact of the glider snapped the hang bar and the wings caught on the wagon's roof, snagging Berry Punch and leaving her hanging. Trixie was thrown from the glider to the front seat of the wagon. and the sudden force pushed the wagon forward. Both mares could only watch in horror as the wagon picked up momentum and began to roll towards the edge of the hill.

"Berry..." Trixie cried.

"Yeah," Berry said, hanging helplessly. "We're boned. Hang on."

The wagon picked up speed as it went, careening down the hill at a dangerous speed. No one was pulling it but gravity, so there were no brakes to apply, no animals to halt. It was completely out of control. The mares just held on for a wild ride as the wagon bounced off of rocks and sped down the hill.

A grove of trees approached, and Trixie huddled in her seat as the wagon blazed around them, only missing a horrible collision by luck. She stood up once, to say something to Berry Punch, only to get knocked back down by a branch. When they emerged from the trees they were once more at the top of a hill, and below it was a field of vines in rows, surrounding a massive farmhouse manor.

The ponies screamed as the wagon bounced down the new hill, the whole thing shaking so much that Trixie thought for sure it would shake apart. As the ground began to level out the wagon lost speed, but not before plowing through a row of vines, knocking over posts and tangling up in wires.

The wagon was on it's last wheels when it emerged from the field and rolled straight into the broad side of a barn. Trixie groaned and didn't move from the floor of the wagon.

"Trixie," Berry Punch said. "Trixie I'm gonna need you to unbuckle me from this parachute."

Trixie slowly climbed to her feet and looked up at Berry Punch. Both ponies were scratched and bruised and tangled up with vines and wire and twigs. At the farmhouse, a light switched on.

"Trixie," Berry Punch said, a little more urgently. "If you could get me out of here I would greatly appreciate it because I think ponies are coming and we're still on the run, Trixie!"

"I'm moving!" Trixie croaked. "Gimme a second. The Great and Powerful Trxie feels like she has fractured her mighty tailbone." She climbed to her feet slowly.

Punch heard a door opening at the farmhouse. Somepony was coming. "Trixie!" she hissed. "Help!"

"Who's talkin down there?" the pony that had come out the house called out to them. He had a thick country drawl. "Identify yerselves, hear?"

"Just two innocent mares!" Berry Punch shouted. We're really sorry we crashed into your barn, we were skydiving and hit a wagon!"

"Ya did what now?" the voice sounded incredulous. "Skah divin? Alright, calm down lil lady, we'll see about it." The voice spoke lower, to someone inside the house, but Berry and Trixie couldnt hear it. Berry Punch struggled across the straps holding her in, and at last Trixie climbed up over the wreckage to try and unclip her.

"Are we... running?" Trixie asked. "Because... because right now I could really use a drink. Even water. Especially water, actually."

"I dont think we can run," Berry Punch said. "This place is huge. I bet they have guards, too. Oh god we are so boned."

Trixie shook her head. "I'm not sure which of us is the crazy one in all this."

"Let's split the crazyness."

The pony was coming down the steps from the house. Berry Punch turned as much as she could while strapped in. When the stallion passed through the barn flood light, Berry gasped.

The stallion, a strapping dark red pegasus with a brown mane, widened his eyes when he came close enough to see the mares. His cutie mark was a stack of three barrels.

"Berry Punch?" he asked, with a bemused incredulity.

"Beau Jolais," she said faintly. Her pink skin hid her blush well, but not well enough. "I don't even- what are you doing here?"

"Shoot, Berry, Ah work here." He shrugged ruefully. "At least Ah guess Ah do now. What are you doin here? What were you two tryin to do with that wagon?"

Trixie looked back and forth between Punch and the new pegasus, tired and confused. The pegasus unclipped Berry's harness and helped her down from the wreckage of the paraglider. "Wait, I'm confused. You know each other? Somehow?"

"Yeah, we..." Punch gritted her teeth. "Trixie, this is Beau. He's... well, he was the general manager of the Ponyville Wine Castle. We, um. Went to school together."

"Yeah... school." Beau chuckled awkwardly. "Howya been, Beeps?"

"I just crashed into a barn," Berry Punch said. "Do you guys have anything to drink here?"

The stallion laughed from his gut at that. "Do we have anythin ta drink? Shucks, I'm thinkin you mares dont know where you are, huh?"

"What?" Trixie said. "Is this, like, a dry community or something?"

"Not by a long shot." Beau Jolais grinned. "You ladies just stumbled across the Sugargrape Family Estate."

* * *

"I'm going to interrupt myself, here, actually," Trixie said, in the future. "What happened with you and Beau?"

"Oh sweet celestia that's really not something I want to get into," Punch groaned. "I didn't mention it before?"

"No, c'mon, seriously. I get that you used to date, but-"

"We were school sweethearts," Punch frowned. "Y'know. Hearts and Hooves Day, Prom, the... the works. He was... my first."

"Your first special somepony?"

Punch gave Trixie a 'are you fucking kidding me' look. "My first, Trixie."

"Oh. ...Ohhhhhh." Trixie looked uncomfortable. "Well that explains a lot."

"And then I went off to college and started spending a lot more time with Colgate and I kinda broke it off with him long distance." Punch sighed. "It was a whole thing, okay? I've made a lot of mistakes."

Trixie nodded slowly. "The blue unicorn you mentioned?"

"Y- what? I talked about Colgate? How drunk was I?"

Trixie cleared her throat. "So he brought us inside."

* * *

"We were just about to open another bottle of wine," Beau said as he welcome the ponies into the house. It was nice and warm inside. The Sugargrape Manor was decorated with a rustic, but classic touch. Everything felt like it had been there for a century and would look exactly the same in another hundred years. He escorted through the hall and a welcoming room on the way to private kitchen.

Sitting at the kitchen table was a pretty young earth pony mare. She was a light yellow with a lovely golden mane and a steaming cup of tea for a cutie mark. As they entered, she smiled at them. "Hello! You ponies crashed inta the barn?"

"Skydiving accident," Punch said. "Hard to explain. Sorry."

"Roussanne, this is my old... friend, Berry Punch. And her friend...?"

"Trixie," Trixie said.

"Well Ah'm certainly chahmed," the mare said with a southern belle drawl. "So nice of you ponies to drop in, even at such an unexpected hour."

"Punch, Trixie, this is Roussanne Sugargrape," Beau said, blushing and standing next to her. He pronounced it like "Roo-zahn", putting an exaggerated Fancy emphasis on it. "Mah fiancee."

"Charmed, as well," Berry Punch hissed. "How... very lovely. You're so." She looked like she was trying to swallow back bile. "So lucky."

If the other ponies noticed Punch's reaction, they didn't let on. Beau and Roussanne blushed and gazed lovingly into each other's eyes. "Ah know," Beau said, beaming at his bride-to-be. "Ah count myself lucky every day since she said yes."

"Welp," Trixie said, cutting in as Berry Punch looked like she'd turned the key on her self-destruct sequence. "How about that drink?"

"Of course!" Beau said, whirling to a cabinet and opening it. It was filled with a wine rack, stacked to the ceiling with bottles. "Oh, what'll we have tonight? Roussanne?"

"Oh deah, how about you open another bottle of this years Shiraz?" Roussanne cooed. She smiled angelically at Trixie. "It's a bit fresh Ah'm afraid, but Ah'm sure you'll enjoy it. We'll be putting it on the shelves at the next quarter."

"What shelves?" Punch said, apparently having recovered. "Aren't you closing Wine Castle?"

"Why, of course!" she smiled. "But we'll be opening our new retail headquarters abroad, in Prance. They say go where the mahket is, after all-"

"Well, sometimes the product makes the market," Punch said. "Maybe selling fine wines here in Ponyville brings you new clientelle- lifelong customers- that otherwise never would've tasted anything like your product." Beau was watching Punch carefully as he poured her a glass and passed it over to her. "Ponies that cant afford to go to Prance for fine wine."

"Now Berry, Ah know you're probably not thrilled about the closin," Beau said. "Ah wasnt exactly thrilled mahself. But it's happenin, an there aint much use fightin it."

"I'm suprised you're giving up so easily," Punch said, locking eyes with him. "Considering that it's going to cost you your job."

"Beau is going to be our new regional manager, in the Roan Valley." Roussanne nuzzled her stallion with a satisfied expression and sipped her own glass of wine. "So you see, he's not losing his job so much as gettin a promotion."

"Regional manager?" Punch stared at him. "Wow, Beau. I'm impressed. You... deserve it."

"Shucks, Punch, means a lot to hear that from you," Beau said, hugging his fiancee.

"Not that he'd ever have to worry about money again," Roussanne said, tilting her head and staring at Berry Punch. "Ah have more than enough to provide us for whatevah future we'll have."

"So you have been promoted," Punch said, smiling at Beau. In a voice too low to hear clearly, she added, "from manager... to whore."

"What?" Beau said.

"What?" Roussanne said.

"Haha, she asked if you could manage to give us a tour!" Trixie cut in, fake laughing and pushing Punch aside. "We'd love to see, ah, where all the Sugargrape magic happens! Hah!"

"Well Ah suppose that wouldn't be no trouble," Beau said, nodding brightly. "What do ya think, Sugar? Think Berry would wanna see the cellar?"

"Oh, Beau, if her interests are anything like what you've told me," Roussanne said, "Ah'm sure she'll just love it." Trixie could detect a nasty, spiteful tone in her voice and felt a growing pit in her stomach. She suddenly wanted to get her friend as far as possible from this mare.

"Well that sounds marvelous!" Trixie said, walking towards the door and pulling Punch with her. "Simply marvelous. Coming along, Beau?"

"Oh..." Beau blinked. "Well if you girls wanna get goin now, sure. Let's go to the cellar."

Punch drank her glass in one swig and nodded. "Kay." She followed Beau out, through a different door than they came in.

Roussanne watched them go with a self-satisfied grin... a grin that only Trixie caught, looking back just as she was about to go out the door. For a moment, the mask dropped and Roussanne gave her a cold, territorial look. The moment passed and the facade was restored.

"Hurry along now, sugar," Roussanne smiled, taking another sip of wine. "Wouldn't want you to miss the tour."

* * *

"And then the wagon tipped over the hill," Trixie said. "And, well... you know the rest."

The three ponies, Berry Punch, Trixie, and Beau Jolais, were climbing down the stonecut staircase to the Sugargrabe Family Cellar. The air was cool and dry. Berry Punch wasn't sure how she should feel. This Wednesday had gone off the rails. She'd fumbled her cocktail round, she'd lost the trivia contest. She'd gone away with a strange pony and was now in the middle of nowhere, wanted by the cops for only Celestia-knew-what. She was in the Sugargrape Cellars, a place any drunk worth her salt would give her hoof to visit even once. And she was being escorted by her ex-special-somepony, who was (surprised!) engaged to some rich heiress bitch. She was bruised from head to know and still pretty baked and was starting to get back to tipsy. There was so much good and bad in her day and Berry Punch was too tired to tally it.

"Ha!" Beau said. "Well it sure seems like you girls have had quite a night.

"Yes," Trixie said. "What with the pirate treasure and the corrupt cops and all. So you understand that it's imperative that we get to Wine Castle as quickly as possible."

The pegasi stallion nodded. "Cant say Ah blame you girls. If Ah wasn't goin to Roan Valley in a week Ah'd want to give the old girl one last visit mahself! But Roussanne thinks it's best not to get emotional involved in the closings."

"Roussanne thinks," Punch said, the name dripping with contempt.

"Yup," Beau said, missing Punch's tone entirely. "And it's not as bad as it sounds, really! Ah cant honestly say Ah've been missin the retail, and Ah have more money than Ah know what to do with. Ah'm pretty much set for life."

They were in a vast, underground cavern. As far as the eye could see, rows of stacks of hundreds of bottles extended down the halls. The sheer size of the stock boggled the mind- a pony could ride a motorcycle through this place safely.

"Are these..." Punch's eyes went wide, immediately forgetting how bitter she was about Beau. In the presence of this grandeur, it seemed petty. "Are these all Sugargrape wine?"

"This hall is, yup," Beau said with a chuckle.

"This hall? Berry Punch shook her head. "How many halls are there?"

"Five," Beau said, and Punch looked like she would pass out. "Ah know! Ah reacted the same way first tahm Ah saw this place. Always wanted to show it off to you, ever since Dad got the groundskeepin job, but, Ah... Ah forgot when we lost touch, and when Ah finally saw you at Wine Castle-"

Berry Punch raised a hoof to cut him off and he awkwardly changed the subject. "Anyway, this hall is all private stock bein aged for limited releases and family use. We got bunkers elsewhere where we age the stuff we sell. The other four halls are the collection halls."

"Collection?" Punch stroked her chin. "Can we pick a bottle out, from the collection?"

Beau faltered. "Shoot, Punch, Ah dunno about that. Ah've got a bottle for you, actually, but most of these aint really mine to-"

"Isn't it?" Punch raised an eyebrow. "Are in-laws-to-be not considered family enough?"

"Well," Beau thought about that. "Ah guess Ah am family, aint Ah! Might be alright, then. Ah'm sure Roussanne would approve."

Trixie and Punch were both pretty sure that Beau's fiancee probably wouldn't approve of him lifting rare bottles from the family cellar at the whims of his alcoholic ex-marefriend, but they saw no reason to correct him. "Absolutely," Punch said. "We were getting on like aces upstairs. Let's go drink some rare-ass wine with her blessing."

"Absolutely," Trixie agreed. If she was gonna be along for the ride, she sure as hell was going to enjoy it.

"Well," Beau said, and he gave the girls conspiratorial grin. "No point in buryin the lead, right? Let's go to Vault 0."

"Vault 0," Trixie mused, as they followed behind the stallion. "That has a sound of arcane intrigue about it."

"Arcane is right," Beau agreed. "The Sugargrape family legacy is said to have began at the dawn of Equestria, when the male line married their family to Smart Cookie, the earth pony chief of agriculture. Back then, brewin was entirely a unicorn art! The legend says that the farmer-adventure, Grand Sauvingnon Sugargrape, went on some sort of quest on the behalf of Clover the Clever. In return, she passed down to him the private homebrewin notes of her teacher, Starswirl the Bearded."

"Mmm," Trixie said sagely. "Of course, 'Les Acta Miscendarum', 'The Brewing Journals'. The original manuscript is on display in the Museum of Arcane Science in Canterlot."

"Uh, right," Beau said, faltering for a moment at Trixie's expertise. "Anyway, with his newfound knowledge, and his legendary heroic debonair, Grand Sauvingnon won Smart Cookie's heart and together they founded an agricultural empire that's lasted for centuries! But the first few batches were brewed with direct collaboration between the unicorns and the Sugargrapes, and some of that wine still exists to this day!"

"After hundreds of years?" Berry Punch blinked. "Uh, how? No wine is strong enough to last that."

"They're enchanted," Trixie said. "Unicorn collaboration?"

"Sorry, Ah thought that was obvious."

"And they're priceless relics," Trixie said. "Obviously we cant drink any of those. They belong in a museum."

"Obviously," Punch said with a crafty look.

"No, of course not," Beau said. "But Ah thought you'd want to see 'em first, Punch. You always did get awful excited bout rare vintages and the like."

They had arrived at Vault 0. The other halls, as far as Berry Punch could tell as they'd passed through, looked exactly like the first one they'd passed through, only dustier and with more variation in labels and bottle shapes. If she had the time, and she really wished she did, she'd look at every bottle... this cellar was a treasure trove. But her enthusiasm was dampened by the fact that none of this wine was for sale.

The entrance to Vault 0 looked impenetrable. It was big and shiny and had no door handle. Instead, there was a keypad by the door, and Beau carefully tapped the combination out with his hooves. Once he hit the last number and the # key, the door shuddered with an ancient hiss. The door slide in halves into each side of the wall, along a seam that had been so fine as to be invisible before. Beyond the door there was only darkness, and the blurred shape of what could be wine racks.

Beau entered first, and lights in the Vault flickered on one at a time. Punch followed, her jaw hanging open in awe and wonder. Trixie entered last, quietly using a surveillance spell to locate the Vault security cameras and levitating putty onto the lenses of each before she walked within range.

Beau came to a stop in the center of the Vault and turned around to Berry Punch. Trixie browsed bottles innocently, minding her own business.

The bottles themselves were not labeled, but each bottle had a plaque mounted under it, listing the date of brewing. Some had vague inscriptions. "With Cinnamon", "Hurricane's Last Stand", "Romana Coronation Banquet". Berry Punch caught Trixie giving her a nod, prompting her to hold Beau's attention for a minute. Well, Punch was just fine with that. She turned to Beau.

"So, what about these bottles over here?" Punch asked, pointing to a specific rack where all the bottles had odd, decorative flared corks. Beau turned his attention to her and began to explain.

Trixie didn't waste a minute. She scanned the bottles, looking for one worth stealing. Virtually all of them were red wines, and truthfully, without labels, or any information on what the vintages really meant, it was impossible to determine which of these wines was worth her time. She was about to pick one at random when a peculiar bottle shape caught her eye.

The bottle was clearly unique. The glass was shaped with intricate patterns of magic runes over a massive four-leaf clover stamp. The bottle had no plaque, but carved into the glass in embossed letters were the words:

FOR LULA

Trixie swallowed. The bottle was clearly magical and probably strongly so. She could feel it pulling on her soul. Even a drop-out like her could recognize power like this. A High Magi made this bottle.

She plucked it off the shelf and unceremoniously stuffed it into a place in her saddlebags where it wouldn't knock into anything. Off to the side, Beau was still talking to Berry Punch.

"Pretty cool, Beau," Punch said, making eye contact from Trixie to let her know that he might turn around. "So... these are some cool bottles, and I'd love to come back and study them someday, if I can."

"Yeah, that's..." Beau shrugs awkwardly. "Ah'd like that, Punch. When Ah come back from Prance, for Hearth's Warming, maybe we can meet up then?"

Punch very much doubted Roussanne was going to let her new husband spend their first Hearth's Warming with another mare, but she nodded back. She couldn't really fault him for moving on. Not when she ended it in the first place, sort of. And who knows? Maybe Roussanne was great. She was rich, after all. And young. And pretty.

She suddenly realized that she was unconsciously grinding her teeth. "Yeah, Beau. Maybe then. ...So hey, let's go find a bottle we can drink, huh?"

"Ah think we can handle that."

"Yes!" Trixie said, carefully eyeing the door as she walked out of Vault 0, the priceless, ancient bottle of booze safely stowed away in her bags. Nothing happened. Beau punched in the code to seal the Vault again.

"So, Berry. What was that bottle you always were lookin for, back at the store? Every week, it seemed like, you'd ask about it?"

Berry gave him a level, testing stare. "Do you not remember?"

"Ah remember very well, Punch. Ah watched for that wine every day. C'mere." He trotted away down the hall to some the racks they'd already passed by.

Punch shook her head as Beau scooted from bottle to bottle, trying to get a sense of a completely mysterious organizational system. She tried to take the bottles in, but half the brewers were completely foreign to her. They couldn't be on the market anywhere. Which meant they were ancient, very foreign, or both. But the one she'd been searching for...

He passed a bottle towards her. Punch examined it.

"This isn't the right bottle at all."

"Nah," Beau grinned. "This is one for us to drink. It's an eight year old port. Mellowed, complex tannins, currants, blackberry, plum, and spice. Miss Trixie, can you get the cork?

Trixie took the bottle with telekinesis, and easily pulled the cork out with a soft 'pop!'. He held out his own glass, and Trixie filled his glass first, moving the bottle around with her horn. Punch smelled the wine.

Her ears flew up. "Wait, stop."

The other ponies turned to her impatiently.

"It's..."

Beau sniffed his glass. His eyes widened. "Ahh, dont tell me! But that's impossible."

Trixie sipped it. She shrugged. "I dont get it."

Punch set the glass down. "Trixie, it's infected. Cork rot. You cant taste it?"

Trixie looked blank. She sipped the wine again. "I dunno. It tastes interesting. Sweet. Wouldn't say it's bad."

"But that's just impossible, Berry Punch!" Beau said. "Fer starters, the cork was made of a polymer that should not have in any way degraded. And this came from a highly prestigious batch. Most of them haven't been opened." He took the bottle, still half-full, and recorked it with a rubber plug. "Maybe Ah should save this bottle. As evidence."

"Well if you guys dont want your glasses I'll take them," Trixie said. "I dunno, it's kinda good." They grimaced and she levitated their glasses over to hers, filling it almost to the brim.

"Anyway," Beau said. "Sorry bout that. But this should make up for it." He'd still been browsing and rummaging while they were talking and now he'd found the bottle he'd bee looking for. He carried it to Berry Punch, cradling it with care in his forehooves.

Berry Punch gasped at the distinctive bottle shape. It was the one. She staggered back, surprising both Beau and Trixie.

"Dude. How? This vintage-"

Beau nodded. "A limited batch, collaboratively brewed by Granny Smith and Lambrusco Sugargrape to celebrate the founding of Ponyville. Used zap apples and grapes together in the mash and fermented at hah gravity. Strong, rich yeast character. Then it was primed and sealed with magic so it would have a slight effervescence. A bottle was served at every table during the banquet ceremony, and each family was given a bottle to take home. That's all that was ever made. It's argued by some purists to be the greatest wine ever made."

Trixie gave Berry Punch an impressed look. "And I here I was starting to think you had no ambition! How many bottles can still exist, if each family only got one?"

"Not many," Punch said. "Thanks, Beau. You... you know what this means to me."

"Ah do. Ah'm sure they'll accept it."

Punch closed her eyes and cradled the bottle in her arms. "I'll take good care of it." She carefully fastened it in Trixie's saddlebags, taking great care to make sure it did not clink against the bottle they had stolen. Punch felt pretty guilty about that, but she wasn't going to put it back.

Punch turned back and gave Beau a hug with her forehooves. "I mean it. Thank you. And... I'm sorry I acted weird around Roo-song. I'm just dazed by all this weird shit that keeps happening. But, uh, I think she'll make you happy, so I'm pretty down with that. I mean, like... y'know."

Beau looked like he was about to crack up. "Yeah, Berry, Ah know. You've been handlin it better than Ah thought you would. But don't you have something more important than me you should be thinkin about right now?"

Punch looked blank. "The cops?"

"Wine Castle!" Beau reminded her. "You lost yer train and totaled yer wagon, remember?"

"Oh," Punch said, glancing over at Trixie. "Yeah, I kinda figured we'd get there when we get there."

"Well, let's make it sooner rather than later. When you're done with all this, you can come back here in the morning and we'll all have a drink and let this 'cop' thing blow over. But in

the meantime y'all have an adventure to get back to!"

"I couldn't agree more," Trixie said. "I think I know how to get back to the main road from here, but I wouldn't mind some directions."

"Shoot sugar, Ah can do a lot better than that!" Beau said brightly. "Let's go take a gander at the Sugargrape family ga-rage, shall we? We'll get you a new wagon."

* * *

It didn't take long to pick out something that would serve their purposes. Nothing too elaborate, but a good, sturdy wagon that Punch would be able to pull easily enough. She'd still be walking, but it wasn't like she seemed to ever get tired. It didn't take long for Beau to explain how to get back to the main road to Trixie, and the wagon had a glove compartment helpfully stuffed with local maps. Roussane hadn't come back outside to see them off, and when they left Trixie noted the time was a little past 1:40.

A long dirt path led away from the Sugargrape Manor, to its massive ironwrought gates. There was only one guard on the way out, and he was conversationally friendly as he opened the gate via mechanized pulley system.

Once they were out on the road, Trixie grimaced.

"Alright. Punch, I wouldn't want to give you a reason to doubt my commitment to our quest, but we're going to have to make another detour. We have got to find something to eat."

Berry Punch nodded. She was strapped into the wagon's harness, which wasn't too uncomfortable but restricted her ability to turn around and participate fully in a conversation. "I can get behind that plan. How close are we to a place to eat?"

"There's a nice little diner about twenty minutes from here," Trixie said. "I've been to this place before. It's off course, but I can tell you where to turn up ahead."

"Kay," Punch said. "Do we really not have any food? I cant believe we failed at preparing for this adventure so hard."

Trixie shrugged and opened her saddlebags. "Hmm. We have two bottles of potentially magic wine."

"We're not drinking the Ponyville Celebration Wine," Punch said. "It's not ours to drink. And we shouldn't drink any more on empty stomachs anyway. Or at least, I shouldn't, not if I want to pull the wagon."

"Erp" Trixie said, shivering. "Guh. Tell me about it. The Great Trixie is starting to regret drinking all that fine, rare, infected port."

"I warned you dog," Berry Punch said. "I told you about cork rot."

Trixie curled up on the seat. "I'm gonna close my eyes. I think watching the world moving is making it worse."

"Yeah, just dont forget to tell me when to turn, alright."

They continue on for a bit in silence. Berry Punch didn't mind the chance to gather her thoughts. She felt like the stuff with Beau had gone well, even though he was engaged to a ravenous cuntbeast. At least she'd gotten a little bit of closure. It was okay that the love of her life was going to be moving away to another country, for her to never see again. At least he'd be rich, happy, and successful! And hey, maybe spending the rest of her life chasing stallions that superficially resembled Beau in a desperate bid to reclaim her youth could be fun!

On the other hand... she glanced back at Trixie. Or maybe she could spend the rest of her life chasing mares that superficially resembled Colgate, instead. She sighed. Oh well. She could do worse. Trixie wasn't like what she'd expected from her stage presence. Punch still wasn't 100% sure she could trust her- she clearly was lying about a bunch of things. This whole 'pirate treasure' quest was suspicious all around, and with the police involved now... it was a clusterfuck, to be sure. But it was also the most exciting thing Berry Punch had been involved with since... well, since Colgate. It always came back to the exes, didn't it?

As for the rest of the ponies in her life? Punch didnt know what she'd say when she saw Pinchy and Hop Burst again. If she ended up as a fugitive, she could send her share of the money back to them. She could pay off her bar tab, send Ruby birthday presents, whatever. They'd miss her, and it would hurt, but in some ways it was for the best. Ruby didnt need her dumb big sister fucking up her life.

The road was plain dirt, barely even cleared, and Punch had to keep an eye on the ground to keep from tripping over rocks. The scenery looked exactly the same as it had since they left the Sugargrape Estates: flat land with just enough trees to keep the route looking outdoorsy.

After walking for a while, her eye caught the shape of a pony up ahead. She was illuminated by a soft, purple glow, that did little to reveal her features. Clearly she was a unicorn, though, and she was moving around. Maybe dancing, or just pacing back and forth. Punch shifted her pace so she'd be able to slow to a stop when she reached the pony. It didnt do to stop suddenly when pulling a big wagon.

"What's going on?" Trixie said, raising her head from the floor. "Are we stopping? Why are we stopping?"

"Hitchhiker up ahead," Berry Punch said. "We've got room. Maybe they can help."

"What? No. Keep going, fuck them."

"No, dude," Berry Punch said. "They might have food."

"They might have a gun!"

Berry Punch snorted. As they drew close, the other pony noticed them and flicked on a light from her horn. Punch and Trixie's eyes widened as they were bathed in purple light.

"Hi girls," the unicorn said, beaming at them. There was something off about her stare, something manic and unsettling about her mannerisms. Her left eye, in particular, seemed to twitch every now and then. "Thanks for stopping! I'm not quite sure where I am."

"Holy shit," Trixie said. "You're Twilight Sparkle."

She was, although she didn't look her best. Her body was matted with dirt and fur and she had a rats nest of twigs tangled in her mane. She looked like she'd been dragged through the forest, and it was certainly possible, considering where they were, that she had. She had slight bags under her eyes and her left ear was laying flat on her head.

"Ha ha!" Twilight giggled. "Wow, it sure is great to see you girls out in the middle of this wasteland. I was starting to think no one else made it!"

"Ha, yeeeaaah..." Punch said, sharing a long look with Trixie. "I'm glad we're both... alive?"

"But we havent a moment to lose!" Twilight said earnestly. "We have to find the others and use the Elements of Harmony to set things right!"

"Twilight," Trixie said, giving her addled rival an awkward look. "What are you doing out here?"

"Yeah, why aren't you back at the library doing nerd stuff?" Punch said.

"Thanks for asking, Pinkie Pie-"

"What?" Berry Punch said.

"-and..." Twilight Sparkle gave Trixie a long appraising glance. "Rar... hm... Rainbow Dash?"

Trixie and Punch exchanged glances.

"I'll accept that," Trixie said.

"Yes," Berry Punch said, choosing her words carefully. "It's... good to see you too.

Twilight. We were just leaving a, uh... friendship party? And we were on our way to..."

"Rainbow some dashes," Trixie said. "That's something she'd say, right?"

"And get a bite to eat," Berry Punch cut in. "Right?"

"If you think you can get me out of this nightmarish hellscape," Twilight Sparkle said, "then I am okay with whatever you're saying. I dont understand any of this."

Berry Punch hesitated, then shrugged. "Okay, works for me." She unhooked herself from the harness and helped Twilight up into the backseat, next to Trixie. Trixie watched, but didn't help. She seemed content to keep a healthy distance from Twilight, perhaps worrying she'd get recognized. Once Twi had found her seat, Punch stepped back into the harness and resumed pulling the wagon, straining a little at the added weight.

"So, Twilight," Trixie said. Punch was returning to their previous speed. "What exactly are you doing out here?"

"I was at our book club and one of the ponies had brought this neat enchanted scroll..." Twilight stared off into space and then her face broke into a huge, goofy grin. "The next thing I know I'm being thrown out of a moving wagon. I mean, you guys were there, remember?"

"Were we?" Berry Punch said.

"Book clubs," Trixie said. "So that's where Ponyville's night life is. Of course it would be hiding."

"Well, nevermind that! We have to find the rest of the girls and get the Elements of Harmony! There isn't a moment to lose!"

"The Elements of Harmony?" Trixie said. She tried to imagine what those artifacts, or even just Rainbow Dash's, would be worth on the arcane black market and her imagination came up short. There'd be a heavy risk... but the prize...

"Yes!" Twilight Sparkle said, bubbling over with bewildered enthusiasm. "Operation Get Twilight Sparkle Laid is still go!"

"Oh god," Punch said. "I dunno about that, Twilight. We've been trying to get to Wine Castle and we keep getting sidetracked. So we really cant-"

"Forget Wine Castle, let's go get the rest of the gang!" Twilight said, giving her a big, off-kilter grin. "Make this a real party, at the Friendship Pole!" Despite the coolness of the air, Twilight was sweating.

"What?" Trixie said.

"C'mon! Pinkie Pie, you've got my back on this, right?"

"Twilight you dont understand," Punch said. "We've been craving this wine all night. We're only detouring for food, and only because we'll pass out if we dont."

"They serve food at the strip club," Twilight suggested. "You girls ever been to the Friendship Pole?" She grinned widely. "Ehh? The wings are delicious."

"No, and I dont intend to start tonight," Trixie said.

"C'mon!" Twilight said. "It'll be like a friendship adventure! They have mares too, Dashie. Probably."

"We're not changing course, Twilight," Punch said. "Tri- Rainbow Dash is hurting from hunger. She needs a real meal, and as her friends, we need to support her."

Twilight sighed. "Okay, fine. You win, Pinkie Pie. We'll go to your food party first, since you rescued me from the shadow demiplane. But after that, we're cruising the strip and finding some stallions, yeah?"

Trixie and Berry Punch glanced at each other. "...How about Los Pegasus?" Trixie said.

"No better place in the world to get laid than Los Pegasus," Punch said. "That's a party fact."

"Wow!" Twilight gave them a horrible, wide grin. "A friendly road trip! I like the way you think, girls! This is just the opportunity I've been waiting for to go test out my Big Book Of Road Word Gamess, volumes 2 and 3!

"Or maybe we'll just find her a whore," Punch suggested hastily.

"Yeah, maybe that." Trixie said. "But food first."

"Alright then! Pinkie Pie!" Twilight suggested brightly. "Sing one of your songs, to help make the trip go faster."

"Belay that," Trixie said, waving a hoof.

"A song?" Punch thought about it. "I don't know any songs off the top of my head, but a musical scene really would speed things along. Trixie, do you know any?"

Trixie grunted. "You cant be serious."

"I dont make the canon of cartoon logic," Berry Punch said. "I just live by it."

"That's it, let's all get into the Pinkie Pie spirit!" Twilight said.

"C'mon, 'Rainbow Dash'," Punch said. "I know you've got a song in there. I can Pinkie Sense it."

Trixie sighed. "If I sing one song, will you guys let me sleep the rest of the way?"

"Yes," Punch said. "Absolutely."

"Okay. Punch, you do a do-wop beat and keep it steady, or it'll mess up everything."

"Aye-aye!" Punch said.

"Twilight, follow my lead." Trixie took a deep breath, sighed, and whipped a wand out of her saddlebag. She tapped it on the wagon once, twice, three times, and then waved it like a conductor's baton.

"Ba-dum, ba-dum, ba-dum, dum, ba-dum ba-dum! Ba-dum, ba-dum, dum, ba-dum ba-dum"

Life could be a dream," Trixie sang, her voice crystal clear and elegant. "If I could take you up in paradise, up above..."

"Sh-boom!" Twilight chimed in

"If you would tell me I'm the only one that you love, life could be a dream, sweetheart."

"Hello hello again, sh-boom and hoping we meet again, boom-o-hey nonny ding dong, alang alang alang!"

"Life could be a dream, if only all my precious plans would come true," (Sh-boom) "If you would let me spend my whole life loving you, life could be a dream, sweetheart!"

"Ayoo ayoo, sh-boom sh-boom!"

"Ba-dum, ba-dum, sh-boom sh-boom"

The three sh-boomed their way through the night en route to the Hawthorne Diner Grill.

* * *

By the time they'd made it to the diner, Twilight seemed to have calmed down a little, and had at least stopped groping Trixie. Now she was tracing shapes in the air with her horn magic, and watching as they faded away.

Trixie hoisted her saddlebags back on as she crawled out of the wagon and towards Berry Punch. "Hey, ket's bring the bottles inside," shewhispered to Punch.

"Why? They're heavy, and hard to explain."

"I dont want to leave them with her," Trixie hissed, nodding her head at Twilight Sparkle. Twilight, for her part, seemed distracted. She was trying to use her telekinesis to catch motes of dust out of the air.

"Really? After the shit we've done tonight, Celestia's star pupil is the suspicious one?"

"She's clearly not in her right mind!" Trixie said. "C'mon, don't fight me on this."

"Alright, alright," Punch said, gathering up Trixie's saddlebags. She smiled at Twilight. "Hey, we're going to go inside and have a bite to eat. You're welcome to join us, if the desire strikes you... or, uh, wait in the wagon. We shouldn't be more than fifteen minutes."

"Mmm?" Twilight said. She wore a distant expression. "Sure, Pinkie, whatever you say."

"I really wish we werent leaving her with the wagon," Trixie said as they walked away.

"What's she gonna do, try and pull it? No offense, but she's a unicorn. I dont think she'd get very far."

Trixie shrugged uneasily. "Yeah, I know. Just worried."

The door rang as they opened the door to the quaint little diner.

There were a surprising amount of ponies in here tonight, considering how late it was. That was because they were just a stone's throw from Canterlot University, now. Most of the ponies in here were students, and at least more than half of them were drunk, high, or both. Berry Punch and Trixie found a booth seat.

After a few minutes, a tired-looking grey earth pony with white hair approached their table with a pad of paper. His cutie mark was a dainty looking spoon with a black substance dripping from it.

"Evenin, ladies," he said. "What can I get you tonight?"

"I'll have the potato hashers, tumbled and rumbled," Trixie said, not even looking at the menu. "And a big glass of orange juice."

"Uhhh..." Punch pawed through the menu. "I'll have... the Slam Dunk Cheesy Double Omelet."

"Cheddar, pepperjack, or Equestrian?"

"Can I have a blend of cheddar and Equestrian?"

The waiter shrugged. "Yeah, it's just another bit."

Punch glanced up. "Who's paying for this, anyway?"

"Roadie Roan."

"Sure, then," Punch said. "Cheddar and Equestrian. And homestyle grits on the side. And..." she scanned the drinks menu. "And the five bit milkshake."

"You want that milkshake Princess Luna or Princess Celestia?"

"Moonbutt," Punch said

Trixie sat up. "Did you just order a five-bit milkshake?"

"Eeyup," Punch said.

"Five bits? That's milk and ice cream?"

The waiter nodded.

"You don't put bourbon in it or anything?"

"Actually it does come with bourbon," the waiter said. "Unless ya order it 'Princess Cadence'."

"Oh," Trixie said. "Well shoot, that's not bad for a cocktail."

"'S'what I'm sayin," Punch said, handing her menu to the waiter. "And bring it fast, buddy, before we eat the table."

He nodded and headed back to the kitchen.

When he was gone, both Trixie and Berry Punch collectively relaxed. Neither pony had really realized how famished they were before they came inside and the smell of fried food and grease hit their noses. Berry Punch had been walking all over, and the last time she'd eaten had been an avocado sandwich at work, and come to think of it she probably threw that up at the bar.

"Fuck," Berry Punch said. "This was a good idea."

Trixie nodded, smiling. "Of course, after this we'll have to deal with Twilight Sparkle."

"How hard could it be? She's a conventionally attractive, brilliant celebrity. This isn't My Fair Fucking Lady, we just find her a willing stallion. Should take, like, three minutes, maybe ten if she's still tripping balls. We'll do it on the way to Wine Castle."

The waiter returned with Trixie's orange juice and Berry Punch's milkshake. They each raised their glasses in toast.

"Here's to the start of a beautiful friendship," Trixie said.

"Yeah, sure, that," Berry Punch said.

Clink

"Ooahhahh sooo good," Berry Punch shivered. "C-cold, though."

Trixie grimaced. She'd screamed herself hoarse today and the orange juice actually burned her throat a little. Dammit, now she wanted a milkshake.

"Punch."

Punch was in a special paradise that existed only in the Land of the Five Bit Milkshake. She was well out of range of Trixie's calls.

"Punch," Trixie said. "The Great and Powerful Trixie DEMANDS that you surrender your milkshake to Trixie!"

Punch stopped drinking her milkshake for a moment to consider this offer, then shook her head. "Nope. Not gonna."

"Punch! The Great and Powerful Trixie is no mare to be trifled with!"

"I am immune to your bullshit, Trixie," Punch said, straw still in the corner of her mouth. Planet Brainfreeze does not recognize your authority!"

"Waiter!" Trixie cried, as one passed close. "Trixie demands a milkshake of her own!"

* * *

"Is that why I'm Future Spiking?" Berry Punch said, still hungover in the future. "Milkshake overdose?"

"No," Trixie said "Though I dont think we should drink bourbon through a straw anymore. But I drank more than you did, anyway. No, your binge is still to come. Do you still not remember?"

"Oh, I'm pretty much caught up now," Berry Punch said. "I just like the way you retell it."

"...Okay."

* * *

Halfway through their second milkshakes, the food arrived. Berry Punch's two eggs omelete was drenched in cheese every which way, so that the eggs were themselves invisible under all of it. Trixie's potato hashers came, as she asked, tumbled and rumbled; which is to say, dashed with chili powder before dropped into the frier, and served with cheese and onions. There was a secret language to ordering hashbrowns.

"Mmmm," Punch shook her head. "Daym. This is a good omelet. Trixie, you want a bite?"

Trixie shook her head with a grimace. "Naw. I dont eat eggs."

Punch faked a look of shock. "What, are you allergic?"

"I'm not allergic, no. I just dont eat animals."

"Eggs aren't animals!" Punch said. "They're eggs."

"They come out of chickens. That's an animal."

Punch shrugged, acknowledging that yes, chickens were animals. "Okay. Fine. But eggs taste good. Omelets taste good."

"Baby dragons might taste like pumpkin pie. I'll never know, because I wouldn't eat one. You leave an egg alone, it turns into a chicken. I call that an animal. And I mean, chickens can understand speech, a little bit, but we just take their eggs and eat them. It's, I dunno. Unnatural."

"What about cows?"

"I don't eat cows either."

"No, but..." Punch poked a slice of omelet around her plate. "But cows make milk. Milk makes cheese. Cheese is delicious."

"Cows give us milk, out of their free will. A cow's got personality. It's a little weird, yeah, but personality goes a long way."

"So by that rationale," Punch said, "if a chicken had a better personality, and gave up its eggs out of its own free will, would you eat them?"

"Well, I dunno..." Trixie said. "I mean we'd have to be talkin about one motherfuckin smart chicken. He'd have to be at least ten times smarter than Philo from Midtown Cowboys. He'd be the Twilight Sparkle of chickens."

The ponies both laughed at that, albeit a little uneasily. Punch leaned in her chair a little, peeking outside. Looked like Twilight was still in the wagon, for now.

"You seem like you're feeling better," Trixie said. "I was worried about you, at the wine cellar. You seemed really quiet for a while, hardly obnoxious at all.."

"I was just thinking," Berry Punch said. "About all the shit that's happened tonight, y'know. And about Beau."

Trixie sighed and reached across the table, resting a hoof on Punch's. "Look. We all have ones that got away, okay? It's not a tragedy. You meet other ponies. You find one you like. You move on."

"I had moved on," Punch insisted. "Look, it's not like that. Beau is a really good stallion but I didnt think he was, like, my true love or anything. It was years ago, it's over. That's not what's got me thinking."

Trixie sipped her coffee. "Okay. I dont really believe you, but fine, you're over him. So what's the deal? Is it Wine Castle closing?"

"No. Well... not directly. Just..." she sighed, and sipped her coffee. "Didnt you think you'd be somewhere else, by this point in your life?"

Trixie looked to each side. "...No, not really. I always assumed I'd end up hiding in a diner with an alcoholic, on the run from the cops. I guess I assumed I'd be the alcoholic, though."

"Yeah," Berry Punch said, mostly ignoring Trixie. "Well Beau's getting married. And I'm not ready to get married. I'm not even close. And he's going to be a salaried regional manager, and have access to all the money he could ever need, and the love of a beautiful heiress. We were the same age! What did I fuck up to end up this far behind?"

"Well, you didn't put your dick in any beautiful heiresses," Trixie said dryly.

"Garcon!" barked a bright orange unicorn with a thick Canterlot accent. He was in the booth with a red pegasi mare, just behind Trixie. "Coffee!"

"Look," Trixie said, cutting Punch off before she could respond. "I'm not going to tell you life isnt a competition, because we both know damn well that it is. But it's not over until it's over. You have plenty of life left to go, Berry Punch. So we're on the run from the cops? I dont like that, and it's mostly my fault, but it also presents an obvious solution: get the money with me and move with me to Prance. Where the beaches are mediocre and the food is amazing and the extradition laws are nonexistant. We'll live like alicorn fucking princesses and dine on fine cheese and finer wine, and damned be to everyone involved with this whole life. There's still time to win at a new life, in the end." She banged her hoof on the table. "And Wine Castle first, come hell or high water. Why not, we're already in this deep."

Berry Punch had begun to tear up, and came around the table to give Trixie a hug. "Trixie... thanks. Yeah. Right, fuck this place."

"Yeah! We can do better than Equestria, Punch. And... look, your daughter... we can get her to Prance with us, if you want. It just takes money to-"

"Whoa, what?" Punch said. "Hey, no, I'm not a mom!"

"You're not? But-"

"Ruby's my little sister!" Punch said. "Mom had her a little late in life, okay? Shit."

"Oh," Trixie said. She had shrank back into her chair a little. "I'm sorry, Punch. I was told wrong."

Punch raised her hooves in a baffled expression, then blinked. "Oh... oh, the colts on the train! They said they saw you, I just put that together. Okay. No big deal."

Trixie watched her warily. "We're cool?"

"We're cool." She sighed. "I'm going to have to pause this conversation for a minute. Excuse me." She got out of her chair and headed for the bathroom.

Trixie watched her leave, not sure whether or not she'd fucked up. Punch seemed disproportionately upset about this to her, but it would probably blow over. Once Punch was out of sight, she snuck a sip of her milkshake. Damn, that was good.

Suddenly, the unicorn with the Canterlot accent was standing on a table. He was holding a massive handgun with a levitation spell. "Everypony be cool," he shouted, cutting Trixie off mid-thought. "This is a robbery!"

Behind him, the bright red pegasi mare emerged from his booth. She was equipped with a minigun battlesaddle, and had a look of frothing rage in her eyes.

"Any of you fucking pricks move!" she shrieked, her face a terrifying, manic snarl. "And I'll execute every motherfuckin last one of you!"

* * *

"'On a train', you said!" Fuzz snapped.

"Yep."

"'She can't get far', you said!"

Flathoof just nodded tersely. "Okay."

"Well? Where the fuck is she, then? Huh? Where the fuck are they, Flathoof?!"

"Look," Flathoof said calmly. "We cant find her at this point, clearly. Celestia only know how far they could get on the glider. How could anyone think they'd get the glider?"

"Maybe because you left the fucking door unlocked, you incompetent ass!"

The cops were back in a skywagon. They'd been held up for a while at the train, forced to explain why they had repeatedly discharged their weapons in an enclosed area filled with civilian ponies. Then they'd had to hastily wipe up the vomit in the passenger's side before Fuzz would agree to ride in it. And both seats didn't quite seem centered right, after being used to eject the fugitives into the air. But despite being a little worse for wear, the skywagon was still basically operational and it was sure to be faster than Punch and Trixie could be on foot. And yet they'd searched up and down the main roads and they were nowhere to be found.

"Hey," Flathoof said, frowning. "Now, right now we're both upset. But that's no reason to point hooves. We operate as a team, right? What's important isn't which of us failed. It's that we failed."

"You unbelievable asshole," Fuzz hissed. "You know what? Just for that, you're not getting any of the leaf I confiscated from those colts."

"Aw!" Flathoof said. "I confiscated that!"

"Nope. Since we were pursuing my case, I was the one in charge. That makes it my arrest."

Flathoof pouted. "Can I get, like... just a dimebag? I already lost my back-up gun!"

"That doesn't make it better! The fact that you lost a gun only makes you more of a fuck-up!"

Flathoof stuck his bottom lip out and gave Fuzz the watery eyes.

"...Ugh, maybe a dimebag. If you're good and stop fucking up."

Flathoof sighed. A beeping sound at the dash of their vehicle alerted them to turn up the sound on the police scanner. They usually kept it silenced, since Flathoof said the high-pitched whining radio voice gave him a headache.

"Automated alert to Hawthorn Diner Grill. Silent robbery alarm activated. Requesting nearest police to Hawthorn Diner Grill to resolve an armed robbery by two ponies."

"Two ponies," Flathoof said. "Hey, maybe it's them!"

"Our luck isn't that good," Fuzz snapped at him. "Ah, we might as well, we're closest. We'll pick up the Lulamoon case in the morning. Early morning. And buckle your seat belt, you're a sundamned officer of the law."

Flathoof grumbled and buckled his seat belt. It was gonna be a long night.

* * *

"Customers, stay seated!" the orange pony was shouting. Trixie spied a big pumpkin on his flank- orange on orange. What a silly cutie mark. "Waitresses, on the floor! If you aren't in a chair, get on the fucking floor!"

"Fucking now!" the pegasus shrieked. She had a dripping honeycomb on her flank. "Get on the floor now or I'll blow your fuckin heads off!"

"Listen," a rotund, greying stallion that had been sitting at the front of the diner said. "I'm the manager here. There's not going to be any trouble. Take whatever you want, just don't hurt anypony!"

"Did you say you're going to give me trouble?!" the orange pony rounded on him, taking the opportunity to menace somepony for the rest of the crowd. "You going to be a problem, fat guy?"

The manager tried to defend himself, but the pegasus mare cut him off. "What've we got?! We got a fucking hero?!"

"I'm not a hero!" the manager protested. "I'm not going to give you any trouble!"

"I don't buy it," the pegasus cried. "Fuckin execute him!"

"No!" the manager said. "Listen, I'm just a diner manager! I am not a hero! You can take anything you want, we will not resist!"

"You gonna tell the rest of these ponies to cooperate?" the orange pony said, sneering at the quivering pony at wrong end of his barrel.

"Yes," the manager said, raising his voice to address the customers. "Please, everypony! Just stay calm and cooperate with them and all this will be over soon! Give them what they want and you will be safe!"

Apparently pleased by this, the orange pony was going from table to table, filling a large, black plastic bag with the customer's wallets. Everypony seemed all too eager to chuck their belongings into the bag, to make him move on to the next table. Trixie watched from her seat as the orange pony cleared out the other side of the restaurant. Eventually he'd head back this way, and get to her...

Eventually the pumpkin pony made it to Trixie. He held the bag open for her. "Wallet, in the bag."

Trixie stared at him. She didn't have her own wallet, but she fished Roadie Roan's out of her saddlebags, which she had set down next to her in the booth. She plopped the wallet into the bag. The pumpkin pony nodded, but he wasnt quite satisfied. He pointed at her bags.

"What have you got in there?"

"My hooch."

He tilted his head just slightly, and licked his lips nervously. "Open the bag."

Trixie narrowed her eyes. She undid the flaps at the top of the bag, revealing the two bottles they'd taken from Sugargrape Cellars. Pumpkin pony studied the bottles, and nodded.

"Alright. Crack 'em open, then. Let's have a drink."

Trixie nudged the bag back towards her, with telekinesis. It was a slight gesture, but up close it was impossible not to notice. "I'm afraid I cant do that."

The pumpkin pony was taken aback by sudden backbone from a customer. He cocked his gun. "I'm not sure I heard you correctly."

"Yes, you did," Trixie said.

The crazy pegasus bitch seemed unsettled by the sudden change in tone. "What's going on?"

"Looks like we're dealing with a vigilante," pumpkin pony said, still staring at Trixie.

"Well, shoot her in the face!"

"I hate to shatter your ego," Trixie said. "But this isn't the first time I've had a gun pointed in my face. It's not even the first time tonight."

"You don't open up those bottles," he countered, "it'll be the last time."

Trixie didn't respond. Pumpkin pony was sweating.

"I'm going to count to three," he said. "And if you arent opening those bottles, I'm going to shoot you in the fucking face. One..."

Trixie stared back at him.

"Two..."

The pegasus's eyes darted around, tensing up.

"...Three."

"Alright," Trixie said, raising her hooves in a gesture of surrender. She pulled the ancient bottle from Vault 0 from the bag. Of the two, it was by far the more ornate, and it was the one pumpkin pony had had his eye on.

The top didn't have a cork. It had a chained stopper, with a spell of resealing upon it. Trixie sent magic flowing into the stopper and it popped out immediately. A rich aroma began to rise from the bottle. It smelled strongly of incense and mulling spices. Trixie slid the bottle over to pumpkin pony.

He watched her, and raised the bottle, sniffing closely from it. As he did, a strange look crossed his face. There was a distant expression, as if he was straining to hear music playing far, far away. Slowly, all the color drained from his face and he set the bottle down.

"Is this..." he swallowed the lump in his throat, and raised his eyes up to Trixie's. "Is this what I think it is?"

Trixie wasn't sure what was in the bottle, but she was pretty sure it was more than wine. She nodded her head.

Pumpkin pony chuckled, clearly still in awe by whatever he'd experienced. "It's... it's beautiful." He almost pushed the wine back to her. Then, suddenly, and impulsively, he raised it again and took the smallest of sips.

The reaction was immediate. His body seized up, and he lowered the bottle as quickly as he could without dropping it. Trixie watched his face in fascination. Something about his eyes... something was changing. He took a step back from the table, then grabbed onto it to maintain his balance.

Trixie watched him impassively. She was waiting for him to lower his gun.

"What's happening?" the pegasus cried. "What did you do to him?"

The pumpkin pony had regained a little composure, but he was looking around all confused. The only thing he seemed capable of looking at with any focus in his eyes was Trixie. When he spoke, his voice cracked, as if his throat was suddenly dry.

"Lula?" he said, like he could scarcely believe what was happening. "Lula... is that you? Where am I?"

Trixie didn't know what the fuck to make of that, but at that point the pumpkin pony dropped his guard and lowered his gun. She reacted immediately, swiping it out of the air with her telekinesis and leaping out of the booth, behind him, so that the pegapsyco couldn't get a clear shot at her.

The pumpkin pony was confused, but didn't resist when Trixie put him in a headlock and held up his gun. As she did, the pegasus flipped her shit.

"Let him go!" the pegasus shrieked. "I'll blow your fucking head off! I'll kill you! I'll fucking kill you!"

"Tell this bitch to calm down!" Trixie shouted in the unicorn's ear, his gun- her gun now- pressed to his temple. "Say 'Bitch be cool!'"

"Chill out, honey!" the orange unicorn said. Whoever had been there a few seconds was gone now, like it hadn't even happened. Like he hadn't called her by a name she knew- not her name, but she knew it- that he had no reason to know. He was back to being a terrified dinner-robber with no idea what had happened to his gun and way out of his depths. That was just fine, to Trixie, because that was exactly the pony she felt like pointing a gun at.

"Let him go!" the pegasus cried, wildly swinging her gun between Trixie and random bystanders.

"Tell her it's going to be okay," Trixie said.

"I'm gonna be okay!"

"Promise her!" Trixie said.

"I promise!" the unicorn said. "Just chill out!"

"What's her name?" Trixie asked.

"Honey Bunny," he said.

"We cool, Honey Bunny?" Trixie said, not breaking eye contact with the pumpkin-colored pony. "We arent going to do anything stupid, are we?"

Honey Bunny could barely point her minigun straight through the tears. "D-dont you hurt him."

"Nopony's going to hurt anypony," Trixie said. Her voice had an inner calmness that she'd never felt before. It was terrifying, and empowering. "We're all going to be like three Rainbow Dashes. And what's Rainbow Dash like?"

Honey Bunny's eyes darted around in a panic, not sure what Trixie wanted from her.

"Come on, Honey Bunny!" Trixie prompted. "What's Rainbow Dash like?"

"She's..." Honey Bunny wiped away her tears, incidentally lowering her gun a little. "She's cool?"

"Correctamundo!" Trixie said. "And that's what we're going to be. We're going to be cool." She turned to the the pumpkin pony. "Now, Pippington Britishooves, I'm going to count to three and I want you to put you hooves flat on the table, so I can see you aren't going to go for another weapon. But when you do it... you do it cool. Ready?

Pumpkin pony nodded, his lips terse.

"One..." Trixie said. "Two... three."

Pumpkin put his hooves on the table. Trixie frisked him lightly with her spare hoof. He seemed unarmed.

"Okay!" Honey Bunny shouted suddenly. "Now let him go!"

"Honey Bunny, I thought you were gonna be cool," Trixie said. "When you yell at me, it makes me nervous. When I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfuckers get scared, that's when motherfuckers get accidentally shot."

"Okay," Honey Bunny said. "But if you hurt him, you die."

"That does seem to be the situation. But I dont want that. And you dont want that. And Pippington over here definitely doesn't want that." She leaned forward. "You two have caught me at an interesting role reversal. Normally I'd be the one stealing from you. Maybe I'd get somepony else to point the gun in your face. And I wouldn't hesitate if you got in my way. But I'm trying to maybe become a better pony, or at least minimize my warpath a little. I don't want to hurt either of you. But I can't give you those bottles. They're not mine to give. Besides, I've gone through too much tonight to just hand them over to you idiots."

"Okay, what the fuck?"

Berry Punch had come out of the bathroom. She had her hat off, and was now pointing .a .38 Revolver at Honey Bunny. The pegasus was switching back and forth between targets with her minigun, trying to figure out whether Punch or Trixie were the greater threat.

"It's cool, Punch! It's cool!" Trixie shouted. "Don't do anything yet! We're cool, we're all still cool, here. Tell her we're still cool, Pippington."

"We're still cool, Honey Bunny," the pumpkin pony said. He'd barely reacted to Punch's arrival on the scene- Trixie holding him at gunpoint was more than enough to hold his attention.

"What's going on here, Trixie?" Punch said. She'd relaxed a little but she wasn't lowering her gun.

"Dealing with a robbery," Trixie said. "Where'd you get a gun?"

"I stole it from the cop car earlier. Isn't that where you got yours?"

"No," Trixie said. "I took mine off this guy, when I had him distracted with magic wine."

"Nice," Punch said. "I'll just let you handle this then. This seems like your kind of mess."

Her kind of mess? Trixie snorted. She wasn't the one that had rappelled off the side of a train. Well, at least she wasn't the first one to rappel off the side of a train. "Honey Bunny, how're we doing?"

"I gotta go pee," the pegasus sobbed.

"You're doing great," Trixie said. I'm proud of you. And Pippington's proud of you. It's almost over." Trixie turned back to the pumpkin pony. "I want you to go into that bag, and find Roadie Roan's wallet."

"Roadie Roan?" he looked confused. "I don't... which one is that?"

"It's the one that says BAD MOTHERBUCKER on it."

He searched through the plastic bag for a few moments, then pulled out a wallet with his mouth. It had a patch with three apples embroidered on the back. On the front, with individually embroidered letters, were the words "BAD MOTHERBUCKER".

"That's it," Trixie said. "That's the Bad Motherbucker. Take out the money."

Clumsily, the pumpkin pony pulled the money out of the wallet. There was a whole stack of bills, most of them with Celestia's stern face on them.

"Count them," Trixie said. "How much is there?"

He looked up. "A-about 40 bits worth."

She nodded. "Put it in your pocket. It's yours."

He looked bewildered, but he tucked the money away. She took the wallet back and put it in her saddlebags. Punch narrowed her eyes.

"You're not even going to get our money back?"

"Let me handle this, Punch," Trixie said with a warning tone in her voice. Punch shrugged and stood down.

"Listen," Trixie said. "How much do you think you made on this place? Taking the amount of cash I had as a mean, adding up the number of customers with wallets, and factoring in the cash in the register... that's a pretty successful score, isn't it?"

"I guess," Pumpkin said hopelessly.

"And the tally for that successful score would be...?"

Punch counted the customers. "About 800 bits from the wallets. How much was in the til?"

"A-about twelve hundred bits," the pumpkin pony said. "Rounded up."

"Good," Trixie said. "A nice round number. And that segues nicely into the first rule of business: behind every success, there's a crowd of ponies waiting to get their cut. As your manager, I'll be taking 10% of your gross income. Calculate that for me, take it out of the bag, and put it on the table. I don't want to see whose wallets it's coming from."

The pumpkin pony stared at her, and dug back into the bag. Once he had counted out 200 bits in paper bills, he stacked them on the table for Trixie to take.

Trixie didn't touch the pile, though. "Ah ah ah. Business expenses, too. Punch, how much did our meal cost?"

"Forty-nine bits," Punch said. "Including the milkshakes."

"What a bill!" Trixie said. "Glad I'm not paying it. Pippington, leave forty-nine bits for the meal. And another ten for the tip. Waitresses have it so rough in this economy."

The earth pony stared at Trixie, sighed, and took another fifty-nine bits out of the bag. He left in on the table, in a pile next to her two hundred bits. She looked satisfied, and took the two hundred bits, stowing them away in her bag.

"Now, that manager's fee?" Trixie said. "You're getting something for your money. You're getting a hard-to-come-by business lesson. Do you read the Solar Manuscript, Pippington?"

He considered, then shook his head no.

"Well," she said. "There's this little passage I've got memorized. "Heavyheart, 25:17: Then Celestia told this parable: / “A pony had a fig tree planted in their vineyard, / and they came looking for fruit on it and found none. / So they said to the worker who tended the vineyard, / ‘For three years now, I have come looking for fruit on this fig tree, / and each time I inspect it / I find none. Cut it down! / Why should it continue to deplete the soil?’ / But the worker answered him, / ‘Sir, leave it alone this year too, until I dig around it and put fertilizer / on it. Then if / it bears fruit next year, / very well, but if not, / you can cut it down.'" Trixie maintained intense eye-contact with the pumpkin-colored pony throughout the entire recitation. "Do you understand?"

The stallion wrinkled his brow with concentration, then slowly shook his head. He looked terrified.

"Misdirection," Trixie said. "It's how I just stole another 10% from the bag while you weren't looking. It was how I got the gun from you in the first place. That's your business lesson: always keep your eye on the most important element of the negotiations, because the instant you get distracted, they'll rob you blind." Trixie set the gun back down on the table, still staring him dead in the eye.

He took the gun back. Punch didn't lower hers.

All the ponies sat in silence until Trixie shouted, "Well go on! Get the fuck out of here!" It was like an enchantment broke on the robber ponies, and they bolted for the door. The bell jangled behind the fleeing criminals and then they were gone. Trixie levitated the new bundle of cash back to her saddlebags and took one final slurp of Berry Punch's milkshake. It made a loud gurgling sound as she sucked up the last of it.

"I think we oughta leave now," Berry Punch said.

"That's probably a good idea," Trixie said.

The ponies headed for the door and were halfway there before they saw a wagon- their wagon- careening through the parking lot. It was covered in a soft purple glow, and Twilight Sparkle was in the front seat, cackling maniacally as the wagon peeled out of the lot and onto the open road. Punch and Trixie could only watch in horror and dismay at the spot where, moments before, their wagon had been.

It was Punch who broke the silence first. "Did the Element of Magic just steal our wagon?"

"Yes," Trixie said.

Punch raised an ear and tilted her head. "Do I hear police sirens?"

"Yes," Trixie said.

Punch tucked her .38 back in her olive beret, and flopped it back on her head. Trixie tucked the money and bottles out of sight under the rest of her miscellaneous purse object. The two took one last glance at the diner full of terrified, huddled ponies before they headed out the door, into the night, with a ring of the bell.

* * *

Comments ( 5 )

CHUG CHUG CHUG

Excellent, excellent story. God, I don't think there's a single thing here that I disliked.

Congratulations on having written the best fic I've ever read so far. You really deserve more recognition for this, it's an absolute masterpiece. Can't wait for the next update:heart:

This was a long chapter.:trixieshiftleft: It started out as Harold and Kumar, and ended up as Pulp Fiction?:trixieshiftright:

Y U NO UPDATE!?

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