Lesser of Two Evils

Y1

Y1 #1 · Dec 26th, 2012 · · · The Six ·

Well, I can certainly see the reason you say it was my story that inspired this.

So a couple of things struck me:
1) Get a cover pic.
2) Reduce the number of tags you have. Either cut the sad or the adventure tag.
>The above suggestions are made in the interest of acquiring more readers. Remember, a lot of readers will judge your story based on the summary and cover pic alone before losing interest or walking away. Give them as few reasons to that as possible.
3) Not enough dialogue. The reason I introduced all my characters that way in my story was to give the reader a strong idea of their character early on, and so the reader will be actually interested in just what will happen when all these bad people get put in the same room. Dialogue is my bread and butter, and I think it's one of the best ways to convey character. Yes these are a variety of 'business first' situations where there isn't a lot of room for a chat, but perhaps just putting a little more zest into what they say would help. A little more emotion and meaning in their words.
4) More. Seriously, I know its sounds dumb but bigger chapters and longer scenes allow for better control of pacing. You've taken two thousand words to introduce seven significant characters. It took me nine thousand for eight. Every writer has their own style, and a lot of people will tell you I'm wrong (and they may be right), but I usually try to make my scenes reasonably long and give them the chance to wind a bit and go off topic. I only wanted AJ to murder that guy, but I still had her entering the bar, chatting him up, and dealing with the sheriff before and after the actual death scene. Longer scenes and chapter allow for better control of pacing. When I do a short scene, it's because I want it to feel quick and actiony because it's short compared to my usual longevity.
5) There are the occasional formatting issues. Not all paragraphs are indented or separated appropriately.

Other than those things I don't have too many suggestions. Just keep writing, you'll get more feedback and you'll certainly get better. Though I have to say, your human mane six feel significantly darker than mine. With the exception of Fluttershy, it almost seems like you were trying to give all of them no likable traits. That could be deliberate, or it could be by accident, but having AJ scalp a guy makes it much harder to sympathize with her, especially when you don't tell the reader anything other than she had to make him suffer for some reason.

Now, did I like this chapter? To be honest not really. It felt a little rushed was the big problem for me. But I will fave this and like it so I can keep track of it. I am curious to see future chapters, and if you can real that pace in a bit, I might enjoy this some more. This is pretty damn good for a first fic as well, good enough that I have to ask if this is your first time writing or not? I know my first fic wasn't even half as good as this.

Sir Alexander Wolfgang

Sir Alexander Wolfgang #2 · Dec 26th, 2012 · · · The Six ·

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1856399 Thanks for the suggestions. I had similar thoughts as I wrote it as a matter of fact.. And I am definitely looking for, or will make, a cover pic. The length and lack of dialogue were by far the biggest obstacles for me, and it shows. But like you said keep at it and improve. Though in the original scrapped story it was much longer, and after I did away with it I felt like I was being rushed to finish it. So it was rushed, to a (probably) extreme degree. But I didn't really plan on going to deep into their background in the first chapter anyway. Revelations will certainly be had personality wise. So in short I do plan on larger chapters, and dialogue, and what not. As for my semi-sociopathic six,(or four rather) that was deliberate. but like I said I plan in exploring "what made them this way" in future chapters. And your question, I have written a little but most of it was for school, or I got self conscious, or depressed, or lost interest in it all together. Until the MLP fandom rolled around I never really got into it, writing that is. And really this is kind of my second fic, as I mentioned before there was a scrapped version that was outright bad, had potential, but still bad. Then I thought of adding criminal, to MLP and this was born.

Dearbourne

Dearbourne #3 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · · Loud Silence ·

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I'm really enjoying the story so far!
Didn't notice any errors that really stuck out.

Sir Alexander Wolfgang

Sir Alexander Wolfgang #4 · Jan 18th, 2013 · · · Loud Silence ·

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1980419 Thanks for the feed back.

Y1

Y1 #5 · Feb 15th, 2013 · · · Arson ·

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You're definitely improving. There were a couple of grammar issues this chapter, specifically where sometimes you forget to add a new line to each speaker, or forget that an action in response to dialogue is just as much in need of a new line.

Also, some of your character interaction feels a bit wooden. Most of it's fine, but there are times when I scratched my head and shrugged at some of the odd actions and reactions.

Also, I thought you were putting this in hiatus or something.

Sir Alexander Wolfgang