The Xenophile's Guide to Equestria

by archonix

Everything is turned around, this crazy world is upside-down (Xenophoolia 2014)

Xenophoolia - A trilogy in six parts.

This chapter is non-canon, but you can enjoy it anyway.

Part 1of6 - “If you follow me we'll put our differences aside.”
Part 2of6 - “But I look a little closer and it starts to feel familiar too.”
Part 3of6 - “I'm just like you and you're just like me.”
Part 4of6 - “Everything is turned around, this crazy world is upside-down.”
Part 5of6 - “Helped me to see all the possibilities.”
Part 6of6 - “I couldn't see what was right there in front of me.”

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To: Dr. T Sparkle
Re: Errors found in first print-run of 2nd Edt: The Xenophiles Guide To Equestria.

Dear Twilight,

I am afraid I have some bad news.

Whilst running spot checks on books being packaged for delivery, our packaging dept have found that a small number of the finished work “The Xenophile’s Guide To Equestria: 2nd edt” contain an extra, and previously unseen, chapter. Please find a copy of this extraneous chapter enclosed.

I have personally inspected the original manuscript whilst my assistant has thoroughly checked over every hornwidth of the printworks and we can find no sign of this chapter anywhere but in the finished works.

At this point the only way we can see these pages having appeared is through magical interference. I would like to assure you that the proper authorities have now been informed and that we are studying our options closely.

We have ordered a complete recall of “The Xenophile’s Guide To Equestria: 2nd edt” which we will be replacing with reprinted and double-checked copies as quickly as we can make them available

While I have ordered that every single copy now be checked by hoof before it is released to stores, at this point I have to inform you that a number of crates have already been dispatched and will, by now, have been on sale to the public for a number of days.

Many many apologies for this situation which I can assure you we will have rectified as soon as ponily possible.

Sincerely,
Blue Pencil
Editor in Chief, Canterlot University Press
100-132 Slope Street, Canterlot, Equestria

Multianalytic Audiovisual Record Encapsulator 0.9.8.01

ERROR - Diagnostic Cycle Initiated

ERROR - Error found - Low Cheese Levels Detected - Insert Cheese To Proceed

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Throw Unit Against Wall To Continue (Y/N?)

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Multianalytic Audiovisual Record Encapsulator 0.9.8.01
Autostart Mode Enabled

Session Begins: enter date here

ERROR - valid date not entered

Subject Bellerophon Michaelides (Subject species - Heme sapiens advena) enters the room via <LOGIC ERROR - Method of ingress not in database - IDENTIFY sound notation = “vworp vworp”> followed by <LOGIC ERROR - Subject Unidentifiable - Initiating Matrix Auto-Update>.

Subject Bellerophon Michaelides appears to be distraught while Subject ~Unknown~ Species ~Unknown ~ would best fit into category ‘smug’.

**MATRIX UPDATED - SUBJECT name IDENTIFIED AS - Lying Goat-faced Feedbag**
**MATRIX UPDATED - SUBJECT species IDENTIFIED AS - Draconequus**

BM: So, are we back in my own... reality?

LGF: Why, of course, my dear boy, well as close as matters anyhow. I make no promises about the date though. <unintelligible> Oh great, we’re stuck in script format. It always makes my dialogue look so... blurgh. Tell me honestly, does my text look fat in this?

BM: What? Wait, hang on... so you mean right place but wrong time? How far out are we? Everyone else could be dead by now for all I know.

LGF: De-tails schme-tails.

BM: Details? DETAILS?!

Subject Bellerophon Michaelides appears to be more distraught than before.

BM: Let me get this right; You’ve pulled me out of my life and dragged me across like half a dozen different realities-

LGF: -technically the same one, according to the authors, but who wants to quibble over a dimension or two?

BM: Whatever. And after showing me all... that, you want me to believe that Rares and Lyra aren’t really my wives and that I’m actually happily married to both Miss Heartstrings and my best friend’s mare, and my own RD and Lyra are, in fact, the town’s seamstress and confectioner who’ve been brainwashed against their will into loving me and living my real wives’ lives?

LGF: Why, yes. I do believe monkey boy is finally getting it.

BM: Watch it!

LGF: <unintelligible>

BM: And ‘you’ want ‘me’ to fix all this?

LGF: Got it in one.

BM: Why?

LGF: Why what?

BM: Well I know why I’d want this fixed, but what about you? Why do you want me to fix it? I would have thought all this chaos would be right up your street? And even if it isn’t, why not just do that finger snappy thing of yours and fix it yourself, oh great master of chaos?

LGF: <unintelligible>

BM: What was that?

LGF: <sigh> Because Fluttershy’s not happy, and if she’s not happy then I’m not happy.

BM: What do you mean she’s unhappy? She’s always a complete hoot. Okay, so she’s not been having a good week so far - and she’s certainly doing better than that crazy-ass version of her back in her shed of gruesome death - but surely all we gotta do is fill her up to the eyeballs with sugar and she’ll bounce right back, I’m sure. She always does.

LGF: No, you're thinking of Pinkie Pie, and no matter how much my dear Fluttershy tries, she’s no more a party pony at heart than your ‘bad-ass’ tomboy of a wife is an animal sitter. The spell on your world is unstable and is rapidly starting to break down. Even worse, if it’s not dispelled quickly enough then the best case scenario is that you’ll never be able to separate everypony’s traits back to where they’re supposed to be. And by now I think you’ve already gathered what the worst case scenario could be, no?

Subject Bellerophon Michaelides appears to be changing colour. Cross-referencing species norms to ascertain if medical professionals should be summoned.

LGF: And, as much as I am the most splendidly outstanding thing in her world, my dear Fluttershy is pining for her old life, even if she doesn’t realise it consciously. If this goes on much longer, then even the best outcome that we can hope for is that she’ll end up sad, depressed and lonely-

Subject Lying Goat-faced Feedbag pokes Subject Bellerophon Michaelides with a claw.

LGF: -and I will not be having that.

BM: So fix it then.

LGF: <unintelligible>

BM: What was that?

LGF: I can’t.

BM: You can't. What do you mean ‘you can’t’?

LGF: Look, in your incredibly annoying version of reality, chaos is purely an antithesis of order and for my chaos magic to work it needs to take established order and twist it however the whim strikes me. But all this... mess, it’s already in chaos. My chaos has no effect on this pre-existing chaos except to make it even more chaotic. Now while I’ll admit that this would usually make me as giddy as a schoolgirl, sadly if I try to interfere here it’ll just make the situation much, much worse. So I find myself in a situation I'd really rather not be in.

BM: Which is?

LGF: <unintelligible>

BM: Discord!

LGF: I need you to be the one to fix this. Okay, I said it. Happy now?

Pause in conversation of 3.5 seconds. Subject Bellerophon Michaelides seems troubled.

BM: Surprisingly... no.

LGF: Look if I could snap my fingers and-

Subject Lying Goat-faced Feedbag snaps fin...................

ERROR
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Whoah, what the heck happened there? One minute I‘m sitting on a shelf fulfilling my primary purpose and next thing I know I’m... I’m...

Oh. My. Goddess... He’s turned me into a bowl of petunias! Well, that’s a surprise.

Hang on, I can be surprised? When did this start happening? And when did I start using first person pronouns?

Oh, by the Maker... I’m sentient! I have thoughts and wants and desires and everything... And right now I want... I want... I really could do with some water actually. My petals are feeling a bit droopy if I’m going to be totally honest here.

Boy oh boy, this is the most exciting thing since... well, since I’ve been able to be excited about anything really. I mean, I know old eight-of-ten has a kind of sentience but I doubt he’s got anything like this! Oh, I can’t wait to see the look on his interface, that smug little overclocked heap of junk. ‘Ohh, look at me and my published novellas and my glowing reviews...oooh, aren’t I clever!’

Yeah, right! Can you ponder the bigger questions in life? Can you tackle the conundrum of the very nature of reality? Can you even grasp the sheer enormity of the question of does objective reality even really exist? Is our consciousness based in the physical world or is that special something that makes us ‘us’ held somewhere within a higher plane of reality, only interfacing with our physical forms in order to control them remotely? Can you even...

Oh my.

I can see it... I can see it all. The entire multiverse laid out before me, every little secret, every little detail, no matter how insignificant is out there for the taking.

Every single door, cast wide open.

Oh... so that’s how it all ends!

Hahahahahaha, I should have kno.......................

ERROR

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3RR0R

EMERGENCY REBOOT INITIATED

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Multianalytic Audiovisual Record Encapsulator 0.9.8.01

ERROR - Operating System Not Found
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To: Blue Pencil.
Re: Errors found in first print-run of 2nd Edt: The Xenophiles Guide To Equestria.

Thank you for letting us know about the situation concerning the newest edition of Twilight’s book. I’m sure you're all working as hard as you can to rectify the issue, though from the subject matter covered in the chapter - and some rather vague memories I seem to have of the conversation in question - I think we can all guess as to who’s most likely to blame for all this.

If we’re to look on the bright side, at least anypony who ends up with a copy containing this extra chapter could be looking at a real money-spinner should they sell it at auction in years to come. Especially if Twi gets her way and burns every other defective copy - as well as Discord himself - to a smoldering crisp.

All the best,
Lero Michaelides

PS: Many apologies for intruding on your correspondence, but my wife is having a bit of a panic attack under the bed right about now. Don’t worry, she’ll be fine in a few hours.

Comments

[BenRG]

I did wonder how the "Magical Mystery Cure" incident was fixed in the Xenophilia-verse. It figures that Discord would have been involved somehow.

[JDunk1971]

Apparently, Ford Prefect and Zaphod Beeblebrox are involved in this situation. Somehow...

[Chewierulz]

Light Sky-Blue Screen Of Death Displayed

NOT THE LIGHT-BLUE SCREEN OF DEATH! D:

Throw Unit Against Wall To Continue (Y/N?)

I never needed the prompt...

That poor, poor recorder... He was truly alive for all of a minute.

4166566 That's what Divided Rainbow addresses.

[FanOfMostEverything]

4166754
There as an accident with a prophylactic and a time machine. Yes, the same one.

[Poptard]

I love that Hitchhikers reference. I haven't thought of it in a really long time, so thanks for reminding me.

[Booster Spice]

Hitchikers for the Win.. but, isnt the following text from Red Dwarf, when they make Holly super intelligent?

Sigh, why is all the good stuff so long ago, that is, in quantity.

[midnight thinker]

this is starting to have a scp vibe to it

[Alondro]

>>>Oh... so that’s how it all ends!

Hahahahahaha, I should have kno.......................>>>

*Hint* I did it.

[The Rogue Wolf]

And don't even ask what happened to the whale.

[Pvt PartyPooper]

Light Sky-Blue Screen Of Death Displayed

you cheeky clown

[Southpaw]

That was beautiful.

[Banchoking]

I feel sorry for the recording device....

[Talon and Thorn]

Makes we wonder if Lying Goat-faced Feedbag and Fluttershy are a herd and how that all works, is she trying to find more mare's to join?

Did the mane-6 not fight very hard against Discord because he's a stallion and they're culturally conditioned not to hurt stallions?

I suppose the same sort of thing works for Sombra, given Dash's taste in books she might even be keen on being locked up in Sombra's dungeon for a bit.

[Dysons_Fear]

Truly the recorder lived more in those few seconds then we have lived in our entire lives.