• Member Since 16th Jan, 2012
  • offline last seen Jan 2nd, 2014

SwiperTheFox


This sneaky fox, always clad in a blue mask and gloves, has long been a bane of unwary travelers with loose accouterments.

Comments ( 79 )

What....
What the hell is this....
No, seriously, what drug were you on when you made this?

1452905 ... And that gentlemen, is the fucked up wonders of the human mind.
Yeeesh.... At least I don't need to brain bleach this one.... At least it isn't as bad as that Barney porn....
Yes, you heard correctly, there is indeed... Oh fuck no.... Rule 34 of.... That purple, fucking dinosaur raping D.W. from Arther..........
I am never going to get rid of that foul image for as long as I live....

Do NOT under any circumstances google that.
Death would be preferable after you have seen.... It....

1453187
So, I guess you didn't find this fic funny, at least in an ironic way? Oh, well, I guess it serves me right for writing something with 'Brain = Off'. :pinkiecrazy:

1453388 To a degree at first....
Then somewhere along the line, you turned into a fucking sadistic basterd....
You are a horrible, horrible person, you know that?

But this has potential.... I think.....
Maybe you could be some KGB agent that tortures people until they give up their info....
At least this isn't My Immortal... Now Celestia knows that fic is terrible....
chanarchive.org/content/18_cgl/5787284/1336267384778.jpg

... And what the heck is this supposed to....
Oh.... You clever basterd.....

Tell me, was it opium, or heroin?

Well, it certainly made me smile. I expected something more along the lines of the and her humans storyline result. Overall, an enjoyable read.

1453427
It was maybe sadistic to write this, but it was FUN! :pinkiehappy::pinkiegasp::pinkiecrazy:

1453441
:derpyderp2::derpytongue2:

1453460
Thanks very much for reading, and I'm glad that you like it! :yay:

1453540 Oh no... FEAR FOR YOUR LIFE EVERYONE, PINKAMENA HAS OVERTAKEN POOR SWIPER'S SOUL!
WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEE!

.... Oh wait, false alarm on Lemon 12.
It's even worse....

You've just been hijacked by Twilight Sparkle's brony fandom side!
As a student whom has suddenly discovered the brony fandom, her curiosity soon turned into an obsession...
Then.... Into something worse.....


The result?

By Celestia's beard, this monster....
Twilight Sparkle, what have thou wrought?

It hasn't even been uploaded yet and already there's a downvote? Aw, man!

Halfway through and I get the notification....

This has been your weekly Wut Report.

Tune in next week for Chromosome doing the macarena!:pinkiecrazy:

Chapter one was hilarious.
Chapter 2... can probably be cured with fire, and lots of it.

I may have gotten my math wrong, but as far as I can tell, Twilight shouldn't be that tight. Or Swish has very fat fingers and is the world record holder for biggest cock EVER.

With 3 foot in height, and a real 'average' of 6 foot for a real horse, that's about half scale. Which would mean that the average stallion pony pecker is 3 inches in diameter and 12 to 15 inches in length. (please correct me if that's wrong)

With the average human male being a mere (in comparison) 1,5 inches dia, and 12 to 15 inches long it would still be like throwing a cocktail weiner down an elevator shaft.

A more realistic vieuw would be Twilight asking when something's going to happen with Swish already balls deep inside of her.

Aside from all that, a fun read :D

1455360
I don't think it'd be quite as bad as "throwing a cocktail weiner down an elevator shaft", though it'd probably be less-than-enjoyable for Twilight; there are human women who have used dildos that big, and they're still capable of enjoying themselves with men afterwards. Well, once the soreness and stretching goes away, anyway.

If he really did love Twilight as much as he said at the beginning of the story, though, he shouldn't have stormed out of the building when Twilight tried her little ice spell. These things happen with inexperienced lovers; you just shrug and cuddle for a while when they ruin the mood, and then laugh about it later. Besides, at least he's not going to have to worry about blue balls. ;)

1455360 I guess their little ponies in more ways than one. I kinda like the idea of the size difference in this fic.

Besides, a stallion's pride is half the length of their legs, and being as short as they are (and that's assuming their cows are the same size as ours) - like, the ponies being three feet tall at most, their legs being a foot-long maybe - it would be around the same. Stallions also only last for a total of 30-seconds tops - as do the females, mostly - and the stallions... uh pride... is kind of flaccid, even in full length. The sole reason why stallions are that big to begin with is for reach because of the way they mate - the whole thing isn't going in - even the full-grown horse mares have a depth of nine inches when fully ready - and ponies being a third of the size of those mare, and the ponies in the show being even smaller than that, well... you get the picture - so the way humans have sex would blow their minds. Not to mention, we have hands. So, this fic is very plausible. Mare's also have great muscle control that makes it tight no matter the size. Well, mostly, but you know what I'm getting at. Also, Twi's a virgin here, so it would've been tight either way.

That is of course, my random ramblings of cartoon pony of total nonsense and is completely inconsequential.

... Holy crap, what the fuck am I talking about? I need to go outside more. What have I done with my life? Seriously, what the hell is wrong with me?

1455018

Chapter 2... can probably be cured with fire, and lots of it.

Yeah, no kidding. However, the author was heavily slept deprived, so I blame that.

1455745 Yeah, I thought that was a bit extreme, but his dick was frozen, so he would be mad, but I think it was a bit much. Again, the authors brain was shut off. Weird things has happened because of that. I'm just happy he didn't explode or something.

Also, "Swift" is kinda a dick.

1455775
Keep in mind that, for your scaling, about a third of a MLP pony's height is their neck and head; it's about as big as a human head, over all, so given that their shoulder height would be about two feet, an over-all body scaling of about one-third of a real horse seems about right, even if they're not as small as they look; they probably get another foot to a foot and a half when they stand up on their back legs.

Do IRL mares really only have nine inches of depth, though? I've seen videos of veterinarians sticking their whole forearms up there to assist in childbirth.

It also occurs to me that a perhaps more realistic ending for this piece would be is if he blacked out when Twilight accidentally bucked him, and then he woke up in the hospital. ;)

1455813 The closets thing to an actual horse in the show is this picture, (and while I'm at it, I'll add this picture, for no reason), because... I like size charts, I guess? Whatever, I'm insane.

Do IRL mares really only have nine inches of depth, though? I've seen videos of veterinarians sticking their whole forearms up there to assist in childbirth.

Well, it all depends on the situation the mares in. From the wiki, it reads The vagina of the mare is 15 to 20 centimeters (5.9 to 7.9 in) long, and is quite elastic, allowing it to expand. and another source says that The vagina is a tubular structure about 6 to 8 inches in length connecting the cervix and vulva. To get the foal out, they're actually reaching through the her depths and into where the foal is, they need to pull on the body of the foal, so they have to reach in deeper than usual. What they're doing is pulling the foal from the uterus, which is much farther in when the mare is pregnant... I think. It's been so long, and if I search for this stuff, I'm going to get so many horrible images of horses with infections and/or needed surgery for one reason or another.

It also occurs to me that a perhaps more realistic ending for this piece would be is if he blacked out when Twilight accidentally bucked him, and then he woke up in the hospital. ;)

That would've been hilarious.

1455775

I was assuming the fire be applied directly to Swiper's nutsack. It's an old timey cure for sleep deprivation. And just being depraved in general.:eeyup:

DaFuq is this shit? I LOVE IT!!!!

1455745 His balls will always be blue when there's a goddamn snow curse.:ajbemused:

1455018
Thanks for reading, and I'm glad that you like it!

I suspected that chapter two was a, well, pile of garbage when I wrote it-- so I went head and titled it as "optional bonus" and made it clear that it's something the reader can just discard. In retrospect, better to just have not posted it.

But chapter one is something that I just found hilarious while writing myself.

1453672
No offense, dude, but I have no idea what you're going on about...

1455360
Well, she is a cartoon pony and not a horse... not to mention that she's also a virgin and therefore not anywhere near in the same situation that your average other adult mare on the show would be. And I don't really agree with that math about size

Pretty much Natural Glitch 1455775 has said exactly what I was going to say.

1455745
see
1457802

Eh, I would have reacted the same way if I was him. :trixieshiftright::trixieshiftleft:

And thanks both guys for reading! :raritywink:

1459686 Yeah... I realize that now.... Call it a lack of sleep....
Translation: Pinkamena "Cupcakes" Pie has hijacked your soul.

Everyone else, run.

*snerks* As an actual biologist, I feel I must inform you... it's actually possible. :twilightoops:

So long as the size and general anatomy is similar, I'm afraid snu-snu will result. :rainbowwild:

1455360 Twilight is a PONY, you forget. Not 6 feet tall. Maybe 3-4 at most.

1460100
Well, the gist of the fic is that:

Even if it's possible, that fact doesn't make it a good idea.

:raritywink:

1460154

That is also true of most human on human sexual practices though...

I was deeply amused except at the second chapter.

Good fic. Second chapter made me go "wut". Could easily go somewhere intresting after Swish has had time to calm down and reheat his icies.

That... was most interesting... Idk what to think of this, and also, I'm viewer #600.:twilightsmile:

Thumbs up for creativity, and comedy.:twilightsheepish:

1455775

Besides, a stallion's pride is half the length of their legs, and being as short as they are (and that's assuming their cows are the same size as ours) - like, the ponies being three feet tall at most, their legs being a foot-long maybe - it would be around the same. Stallions also only last for a total of 30-seconds tops - as do the females, mostly - and the stallions... uh pride... is kind of flaccid, even in full length. The sole reason why stallions are that big to begin with is for reach because of the way they mate - the whole thing isn't going in - even the full-grown horse mares have a depth of nine inches when fully ready - and ponies being a third of the size of those mare, and the ponies in the show being even smaller than that, well... you get the picture - so the way humans have sex would blow their minds. Not to mention, we have hands. So, this fic is very plausible. Mare's also have great muscle control that makes it tight no matter the size. Well, mostly, but you know what I'm getting at. Also, Twi's a virgin here, so it would've been tight either way.

And that, class, is why you should both respect and fear this man.

your brain was turned off when you made this? this is gonna be good. :twilightsmile:

1465551
Hopefully you think it is!

I had lots of fun both thinking it up as well as writing it! :ajsmug:

1453427 holyfuckingshit that's fuckingcreepyasallgetout!!!

1466866 You think this is high octane nightmare fuel?
This is nothing compared to the crap I see on a day to day basic.
Yes, my mind is composed of horrible madness. FEAR THE DEEP TALKER!

To be honest, I don't think it's that weird. Every time I read humanXpony, I get weirded out. Although, my biggest issue is ... have you ever seen a horse eating carrots? Yeah. Anytime I read about ponies giving blowjobs, that's where my brain goes. It is not a happy place.
Humans eat carrots too, I guess, but something about horse teeth just ... no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no. no.

Also, I liked the awkwardness. Reminded me of my first gay attempt. There should be a law against virgins having sex with each other, regardless of species.

1455360

With the average human male being a mere (in comparison) 1,5 inches dia, and 12 to 15 inches long it would still be like throwing a cocktail weiner down an elevator shaft.

I have to assume you meant to say that the average male is 12-15 centimeters long when erect, instead of inches. If so, then ignore the following. If not, then please contemplate and reflect on the following:




ARE YOU INSANE?!

Furthermore, why the hell have people been commenting on pony vaginal depth from this post in such detail but NO ONE thought it was weird that guys apparently have foot long peckers peaking out of their pants and giving them trouble at work, on beaches, and in classes when they get a hard on? WTF

The mean (average) erectile penis length for males is 5-6 inches. There are of course deviations, but a 12-15 inch mean is just... seriously? NO ONE CAUGHT THIS?!?!?



That aside, interesting prospect and concept Swiper. Can't say I cared for the story itself outside of the concept though since it was essentially a look into a shallow relationship, but still, a worthwhile concept to lay witness to.

1471888
Ah, but Twilight is a magical cartoon pony with a brilliant personality, voice, et cetera and not a horse! So, I guess the idea is a turn-on to me rather than a turn-off...

Anyways, I'm happy that you like it! :heart:

1471931
Happy that you like it too! :heart:

Fukkin brilliant, man. Honestly, I started reading thinking "ah, what the hell; it's a Swiper clopfic but it's been a while and I can probably deal with one."

Then I got to the end and I'm like "remember when I said he should write something nice?" This. This is so it, even if it grates on my headcanon.

A while back someone came up with an "apple scale" for estimating sizes in Ponyville. If you figure an apple is about four inches, ponies stand around three feet tall at the shoulders. They're not that little - about as tall as a great dane but more solidly built. I wouldn't want to get in a fight with one and I figure a happy Pinkie could, if she backed you against a wall and got a hoof up, easily look you straight in the eyes.

Or
images.wikia.com/mlp/images/e/ef/Iron_Will_holding_Fluttershy_S2E19.png

Flutters is a little less than seven feet from hoof-tip to hoof-tip and perhaps two hundred pounds (Which is heavy for a pegasus; don't tease her about it, okay?) Iron Will is eight feet tall and holding her up with one arm. If we cross reference with D&D data, that seems about right: 7 feet tall, 700 pounds, 20 STR or better...

But I figure interspecies sex is extremely taboo, to the point where Dash took a lot of shit for even being friendly toward Gilda at flight camp.

So file compatibility under the "possible, but, eww, no, what the fuck are you thinking." Your milage may vary, especially for the sake of humor.

1473740
And I'm very happy that you like it as well! :ajsmug:

In terms of the headcanon-ness of it, well, this fic here is atypical of my other fics, but I decided to just follow the 'Rule of Funny'. :raritywink:

General size of the ponies, well, I agree with what everyone has said (and I've mentioned that in my other fics), with show canon giving some serious background here. In terms of special fun parts size, well, that I guess it something that can be speculated on endlessly. In most fics, I've gone in the opposite direction of this fic, but I wanted to play around. :rainbowwild:

Login or register to comment