• Published 16th Oct 2012
  • 16,864 Views, 1,592 Comments

Day One - Miniscule Literary

A man surviving in a cartoon world. Its not as easy as one might think.

  • ...

Interview With an Alien

Knowledge is a powerful thing, but there are some things better left unknown.

By the time David awoke the next day, he found it was already past noon. Again he hadn't been awoken by Pinkie's odd routine. Perhaps he had just learned to sleep through it. Upon further inspection, however, he discovered she was no where to be found. Almost instinctively he peered out of the window, half expecting another impending disaster. Much to his relief, all seemed normal. She must have gone to work with the Cakes for the day.

The man slowly rose from his makeshift bed, stretching his arms toward the ceiling with a yawn. He cast a lingering glance out of the window once again, watching the daily affairs of the ponies below. He was no longer forced to hide in the shadows, but he was by no means accepted into Ponyville's culture. He was still an outcast, but that could change. He took comfort in Pinkie's faith in him, even if it was foolish to do so. Ever the optimist, that pony.

He weighed his options. He could wander aimlessly around Ponyville, trying to ease the town's concerns toward him by blending with their daily habits. Or he could visit the library, get his damned journal back, and answer a few questions. Perhaps he would even ask a few himself. There was much about Equestrian culture the show did not reveal to its audience. Twilight, as a scholar, would be the ideal pony to ask about such things.

Curiosity and boredom getting the best of him, David made his way downstairs. Pinkie was manning the counter, while the Cakes were busy in the kitchen. A few ponies were milling about as they waited for their orders. Pinkie greeted him kindly, which he returned, but the others stared at him in silence, clearly unnerved by his presence. After a quick, casual chat with Pinkie, he departed, figuring it probably wasn't a good idea to stick around the store during business hours, lest he chase away the Cake's customers.

The market was even more crowded than he had seen the evening before, as was expected. The situation from the previous night seemed to repeat itself for the most part. Where he walked, the crowds split before him. Around him he could feel ponies watching him, and occasionally heard a comment or two made too loud in his presence. Strange, monkey, monster, weird; it would take a while for him to get used to it all. Back in his world, he was average. This much attention, this much caution and uncertainty...it was depressing, to say the least.

The trip to the library was a short one with his incredible power to move through crowds at a steady pace. He almost pulled the door open immediately, instinctively, before realizing he should probably knock first, especially since he wasn't on very good terms with the librarian inside on the subject of privacy. With some reluctance, he knocked on the large wooden door.

"Its open!" he heard a muffled voice say within.

"No shit..." he found himself murmuring before he could stop himself with a hand over his mouth. Regardless, it was an odd expression for the unicorn to use, what with the lack of door locks.

Pulling the door open, David stepped in and gently closed it behind him. Instinct had once again taken hold, seeming as if he was sneaking around again. This was going to be a very strange habit...

As he turned around, he found not only Twilight and Spike staring at him at the center of the room, but also a magnificent creature much larger than the librarian herself. Flawless white and adorned with an incredible crown and other jewels, the pony had both a unicorn's horn and a pegasus' wings. An alicorn.

Princess Celestia, ruler of Equestria.

"I, uh, thought...came here for...questions, um," he stammered, recoiling back at the discovery. They seemed as if they were waiting for him. "Did I come at the wrong time?"

"No, David, you are just in time," Twilight said with a smile, gesturing to a couch nearby. "Please, take a seat, then we can begin the questions. I can't wait to get started!"

"Uh...no offense, ma'am, but what are you doing here?" he asked, the question, of course, directed at the alicorn before him. She smiled, closing her eyes.

"After you contacted me, I told Twilight to keep me informed as she tried to locate the source of the letter," Celestia explained calmly, sipping from some tea that the unicorn had prepared for her with use of her magic. "After she found it was you, David, and informed me that you may be dropping by to answer a few questions, I decided to stop by to ask you a few of my own."

"I see..." David said, scratching his head nervously. He did not particularly like this situation. He felt grossly unprepared to be dealing with the ruler of Equestria herself. Akin, by many, to a god...he was more than a little intimidated. Remembering Twilight's offer, he slowly moved away from the door and took a seat where she had indicated.

"Where exactly is the human homeland?" Twilight asked, dropping a map of Equestria and some of the lands beyond in front of him. "If you could identify it on the map, I would really appreciate it."

"I'm afraid its not that simple," he muttered, staring at the map as he rubbed his chin with one hand. Suddenly he looked up. "...How did you know I was coming by today? I never said a specific date."

"Oh, uhh," Twilight stammered, giving him a nervous smile. "You seemed like a nice guy, so I figured you wouldn't keep me waiting like that!" She laughed nervously. She suddenly became very serious. "What do you mean, its not so simple?"

He sat in silence, deep in thought. Was it right to explain just what was going on? To tell them they were nothing but fiction? If he lied to them, to Celestia, he would never find a means to return home. But...to say that their entire way of life was just something thought up for a children's TV show...


"I'm...Humanity, my race, is not just from another land, Twilight," he said lowly, placing his head in his hands. "I am from another world. Another dimension, or something. Humanity does not exist in your reality, at least as far as I know."

He looked up, beholding the stunned expressions of both ponies. One, an incredibly intelligent scholar. The other, a wise and ancient creature. Both left at a loss for words. He found it odd they believed him so quickly, with no apparent evidence. He had to be missing something.

"Dude..." Spike chimed in, but did not elaborate.

"That's...incredible..." Twilight trailed off. "How in the world did you get here, David?" He knew it wasn't an actual question. She knew his answer already: he was just as clueless as her on that front. He just shook his head.

"This is very troubling," Celestia said plainly, looking quite worried for such a normally calm and dignified creature. "Magic has allowed unicorns to travel great distances, even leap back in time. But entire worlds? Dimensions? It is unheard of."

"I figured as much," David sighed, leaning back in his seat. "I feel it to be a futile effort to ask about ways to get back."

Both ponies bowed their heads. They had no comforting remark to make, no unlikely hope to reveal to him. He had long since come to accept this.

"I will investigate to the best of my abilities," Celestia declared sternly but calmly. "When did you arrive in Equestria?"

"A little over a week ago, I'd say," he replied with a nod. "Sorry," he added to Twilight, grinning nervously.

"Hmm..." the Princess mused aloud, walking over to a nearby window to stare outside. "I felt a disturbance that day. A spark of something, felt all the way from Canterlot. Unnatural, alien. I had never felt anything like it," she explained, turning back to look at them. "I asked my staff if anything had happened, a disaster or some other dreadful thing. When I was given the all clear, I dismissed my concerns."

"I felt the same thing, Princess," Twilight agreed, looking thoughtfully at the ground. "I went out to make sure everything was alright, but I didn't investigate any further."

"We may yet find a way to return you to your people, David," the ruler of Equestria said with a smile. A moment of silence passed. "I must go," Celestia declared suddenly, heading toward the door. "Twilight, I ask that you send me a copy of your notes when you are done."

"Of course, Princess."

"Farewell my student. Farewell David."

And with that, the Princess was gone. Without even opening the door, the alicorn disappeared in a bright flash of golden light. David breathed out a sigh of relief.

"You know, this wasn't exactly what I signed up for."

"I'm sorry David, but if anypony has a chance at finding a way for you to return home, it would be the Princess," Twilight explained with a soft smile. "It was best that she know as soon as possible."

"I suppose," David replied with a sigh of resignation, his hands clasped together behind his head as he leaned back.

"May we continue the questions?" the unicorn librarian asked with an enthusiastic grin, a quill and pad hovering not far from her head. David nodded.

More questions about human culture came forth. Spike had retreated upstairs almost as soon as they began. What kind of relationship we had with each other, what we wore, how we made things. David answered as best as he could, but he wasn't exactly an expert on all things human. Some questions, however, are easier to answer than others.

"What is the diet of a human?" Twilight asked suddenly, writing something down on the pad with a quick scribble.

"Uh..." David hesitated. "We're omnivores."



"Next question."

"Do equines like the ones you've seen here live in your world?"

"Yes. But they don't talk."

"Do you eat them?!"

"No!" David retorted with a yell. Twilight was not angry or upset, but seemed as if she was accusing him of murder. "Well, some of us do..."

Twilight looked taken aback.

"But not me, not me!" David assured, waving his hands in front of him. "Not all cultures have the same standards for food. Besides, some humans eat other humans, and we don't exactly look upon them with pride."

Twilight's shock turned to disgust. Perhaps that was not the best way to justify what he said.

"Next question, if you please," David murmured.

The remaining questions were far less interesting. Eventually, after what he guessed to be a few hours, Twilight had started to run out of things to ask. He felt as though this should have come a long time ago, considering the nature of the things she was asking toward the end. What was deodorant? What was underwear? Why did we wear it?

He took this opportunity to ask a few of his own questions.

"Twilight," he began, prying the unicorn's attention away from her notes. "Do you mind if I ask you a few questions now? About Equestria?"

"Sure," she said, blinking.

"How did the alicorns come to be?" David asked, moving closer to the edge of his seat. He had a considerable interest in Equestrian mythos.

"I...don't know," Twilight said simply. She seemed as perplexed at this as he did, initially. As if she had never even thought of it before.

"You never asked your mentor?"

"No, I guess I never did," the unicorn retorted with a shrug. She did not seem upset or intrigued by this lack of knowledge.

"How many alicorns are there?" David questioned with a little more force. A scholar like Twilight not knowing such things; it was more than a little disturbing.

"Well, there's Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Princess Cadance."

"Any others?"

"I'm...not sure, sorry."

"How about Discord?" David was practically yelling at this point. "Where did he come from?"

"I don't know, David," Twilight said, once again completely at peace with this fact. "How do you know so much about our history?"

"That's not important," David replied hastily, though the question did bring him back to reality. What the hell was going on?

"Twilight..." he began, looking the unicorn square in the eyes. "How do ponies reproduce?"

The librarian blushed. "Y-you don't know...? Is it really that different in your world?"

"You don't appear to have any genitals."

David awoke with a gasp, sitting upright in his makeshift bed, covered in sweat. He was back in Sugarcube Corner. Was...was it all a dream? He remembered it so clearly...

"Oh hi Mr. David!" Pinkie called from below, staring up at him from the top of the stairs. David crawled hastily to the railing at the edge of the balcony. "How'd it go over at Twilight's? You were over there for ages!"

What the hell was going on?