After a sudden flashbang, the two siblings- a brother and his little sister- are now on their favorite (the other's used to be) show at the start of the first episode starts.
Now, they must travel through the world in order to find a way to return home-
U-uh? What? You don't want to return home..? Oh… well, uh.
Now, the siblings are now going to make a living in this world so they can have their dream of a peaceful life.
This is tagged as teen because of the use of swear words, while I won't be using it too much I'll just put up the tag anyway.
Chapters (2)
Interesting
Why would anyone want to stay in Equestria? That place sucks.
Less heavier? How about "lighter"?
I couldn't follow how they dodged the who are your and why are you here questions at all. There seems to be dropped sentences or words all through it. I don't normally ask this, but might you be willing to revisit that part?
They took to that very easily, and somewhat casually!
Though, I can understand some excitement upon landing in Equestria... Still, feels like there should be a little more disbelief in the first moments
A nice, solid start though! Well, they're in the thick of things now. Don't give away too much! And hope you aren't in the Nightmare Moon timeline. Some alternate versions of you probably are...
A fun start. I kinda like Cale's personality - very unique in this kinda setting.
I will be watching with great interest...
The Definitely Trustworthy Grammar Fairy is here to sprinkle
correctionsmagical fairy dust all over (paragraphs 2 to 11 of) your chapter!Red means incorrect grammar. Blue means parts I would rephrase. Green means unneeded/redundant phrases I would remove.
I highly suggest making my red edits. My blue and green edits are relatively subjective and/or stylistic, so you can take or leave them.
I stopped there
totally arbitrarilyto get some sleep, but there are many other issues. For example, later in the chapter you repeatedly forget to capitalize the word "I."I am the third commenter on this chapter, out of four total so far, to point out writing/grammar issues. I think your fic would benefit from an editor.
I had this funny idea that popped in my head where ended up becoming the next Nightmare Moon. Nightmare Star has a nice ring to it.
I've only read roughly a third of the first chapter and the idea is neat, and Cale is certainly a breath of fresh air compared to most human into pony protagonists, but the narration style just isn't working all that well, too much the narrator and characters reiterating what the other already said; Have the narrator describe the scenario, the sensations it has on the senses, the lighting, the mood, describe the facial expressions and body language of the characters involved, especially during dialogue (she said with [insert emotion here] [insert expression here] her [insert body and motion here], as just a example). The characters should drive the story with their actions, thoughts, dialogue and experiences with reactions being treated more as a spice then a main ingredient to use a cooking analogy
I'd recommend going over the sites writing guide in the help section and the forms of the new writers school group
12084659
I'll try my best to improve in writing 👍
12084349
Since Cale and Julian (especially Cale)'s past haven't been revealed, all I can say is, um, Cale becoming another Nightmare Moon is possible.
12085267
Nightmare Kale. Sounds like something I'd get as a seasonal ingredient to use for a sauce or to add to soup.
12081841
dude have you considered Equestria has free health care?