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Sky and Cobalt

random story of my two OC's. this is my third fan fic but my first one submitted to this site and critics welcome to my story.

another chapter when im done with my other fic. when i decide to up later to this site

Chapters (1)

Comments ( 2 )

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Dead_Account_0

Dead_Account_0 #1 · Jan 14th, 2012 · · ·

Okay, nice job so far with the grammar, only thing I could pick out was: "butter toast" which should be buttered toast.
You've got some interesting characters but, well they need a little more depth. I know you're only a few words in, probably not even a whole chapter, but this is where you introduce us to the characters. Cobalt is described as shy and then stands up on stage a few seconds later, makes him seem a little... bipolar? And a club that drugs everypony may not be the safest place to enjoy a dance... it wouldn't be hard for somepony to take advantage of that. I think you need to lengthen the club scene or have it cut off suddenly, perhaps replay it from one of their memories, preferably Sky's. As it is, more descriptions would really give us a better idea. The start where she enters, is pretty good but the second line is just an extension of the first, they could easily be combined. While your grammar is perfect, you're making it sound... a little impersonal. Adjectives and adverbs really help to colour the experience and influence the reader. It sets tone and help people picture what's happening y'know?
If you stuck with this, it could be a good intro but I'd recommend a few teensy-tiny changes to make it really stand out.
Good job, so far.