• Member Since 16th Sep, 2012
  • offline last seen Jul 8th, 2022

ZoidbergIsBestPony


When Star Trek and Ponies collide, there can only be Q!

T

Every pony, young and old, knows the story of Hearth's Warming eve: where the three great pony tribes nearly perished, until they united together in peace and harmony in their new home, Equestria. But if Equestria is the world everypony lives on now, then where did ponies originally come from? What planet? What really happened all those years ago?

Far away, in another star system, on the pony homeworld, Origin, a disaster of planetary proportions has occurred. Onboard the U.C.P. Starbase Harmony, the leaders of the Grand Counsel of Ponies have been summoned to resolve the crisis. Can the different pony tribes work together to save all of ponykind? Or will their distrust of one another lead them down the path of an interstellar war?

(Though this is part of the DisQord universe, neither Discord nor Star Trek are involved with this story, but this story is the prequel to The DisQord Continuum)

Cover Art modified from original by scully8472
http://scully8472.deviantart.com/art/Celestia-and-Luna-310369196

Chapters (21)
Comments ( 185 )

Welcome to the Show!

I hope you enjoy this story. It will flow a little like the Battlestar Galactica saga (the drama, not the sex [sorry for those disappointed]) so expect an emotional rollercoaster :fluttercry: and headsplosion moments :derpytongue2: from time to time!

I am almost always open to comments and critique for my writing, though I may disregard some if changing it would cause an irreconcilable deviation to the storyline. :pinkiesad2:

Enjoy!

Head still on? Yes? Ah ponyfeathers! :ajbemused: No? yay! :yay:

Next Update: Fri 2:00PM - Look forward to it!

This got featured. Just saying...
Prepare for storm of likes and dislikes. :rainbowwild:
Will read later. :twilightsmile:

Edit: In school for new writers.

1559159

It did? with only 20 views and 3 likes? Yay? :yay::fluttershysad:

Is there a way to look that up?, I'm sorry I didn't get to so see it. :pinkiesad2:

Let me know, and I hope you enjoy the story!

1561041
I misspelled it. It is just popped up in notifications that it was added to school of new writers. Yea. Stupid me. :derpyderp2:

1561065

Lolz :rainbowlaugh:

Well we'll see - it might get their soon enough. :twilightsmile:

That was... unexpected...

Also, Galafrea... Hmmm...
I didn't need to think very hard to get that reference :rainbowwild:

:fluttercry: Very emotional chapter I know. Next week won't be as sad, I promise.

No shoutouts this week for comment editors, because not enough people have read it to criticize it yet :twilightangry2: (Though this might be due the fact that it didn't post until 3:30AM! :pinkiesad2:)

Ah Well. Hope you're enjoying so far. My goal is to make you go, "Wow" :rainbowderp:, "aww" :fluttershysad:, "interesting" :moustache:, and "huh?" :applejackconfused: throughout the story. Hopefully I've hit at least two now! :twilightsmile:

Oh...

These feels...

(And, for some reason, this almost reminds me of a backstory for maybe an episode of voyager... I keep expecting Janeway to come in and fix everything! :derpyderp2: Yeah, too much Trek.)

And so a new chapter is here. Enjoy! :rainbowkiss:

It is a sorta prequel for a star trek/MLP crossover fanfiction.

I'm partway through reading, but a planet with a temperature of 12,000c would be a blob of molten metals. (It would have a solid core if it was large enough, because of pressure) It could be called a planet, it would just have what would basically be a metal atmosphere.

You could also say the pegasi's planet is just outside the orbit of Mars, (about 0.3au farther)

*continues reading*

Clover started, “If you don’t go back, ponies back home will start to suspect something is wrong and panic will break out.

Missing a " there, should be

Clover started, “If you don’t go back, ponies back home will start to suspect something is wrong and panic will break out."

Other than what I pointed out earlier, great chapter! :pinkiehappy:

1655466

You are much more well versed in astrophysics than I, it would appear, but the mars reference could simplify the comparision (I just wanted to make it far enough that under a normal 1-sun system, it would be ridiculously cold to be so far away)

I'm making the updates now. Thanks!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Pretty exciting chapter! :rainbowdetermined2:

Sorry if it was a bit choppy. I wanted to try to show the events unfolding from many points of view.

Hope you're enjoying so far!

FYI - after the completion of "The Discord Continuum" story this coming Monday, I'm switching the chapter release day to Mondays.

NEXT CHAPTER TO BE RELEASED MONDAY 12/3! :ajsmug:

Shout-out to Stelith for his continued grammar scrutiny :twilightsmile:

...This is getting darker and darker... :rainbowderp:

I didn't spot any errors, but I might have been too caught up in the story to notice...

1676131 I hope you mean it's kinda dark, not badly written or anything.

History is like the perfect horror/gore story...

1686105 Oh no it is very well written just fucked up and it makes me love it even more

Sorry for releasing in the late afternoon. I was packing up for a small vacation. :facehoof:

Hope this is an exciting chapter for you. :pinkiegasp:

I'll be releasing every Monday now. I would like to post at 2PM but when my new job starts, I may need to sneak off to publish the next chapter.

Enjoy!

Oh... Wow... :rainbowderp:

Damnit, everything I read today seems to be both EXTREMELY SAD and exiting. :raritydespair:

This is soooo wrong on soooo many levels. :fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry::fluttercry:

1776891

In a good way or a bad way? :unsuresweetie:

Next week we get to find out what happened to Daddy! :raritycry:

What started out as a Star Trek: TNG crossover has transformed itself into something entirely unexpected - a Sci-Fi Drama and Space Opera. Right away as I started reading, I started feeling like the themes in this story are quite familiar, like I seen it before. Than, as I got to reading further and further, it finally came to me. What you created, in this Star Trek Crossover is not just a universe based solely on TNG and MLP - You took cues from one of the greatest Sci-Fi re-imaginings of all time: You took your TNG crossover and transformed it into a Ponifed "Battlestar Galactica" - a space opera mirroring the themes of the show, in terms of feeling and setting. The bigotry and discrimination of the Alicorns (including what's going to come) somewhat mirrors the bigotry we humans have had in our past, and sometimes still have today. Including the War on Terror. Even that theme is clear in BSG with the tension between the humans and Clyons.

What I'm seeing here, overall, though, is not just the origin story of Heart's Warming Eve and The Birth of Equestria - it's the Story of Princess Celestia, Princess Luna, and Star Swirl the Bearded, and how they became the ponies that history records. How they rise up from such small beginnings, and will ultimately end up doing something BIG that will change the course of not just Ponykind, but humanity itself as a whole.
What we saw in BSG, we're seeing in this story.
What we saw in Capirca, we're seeing in this story.
And what we're going to see in BSG: Blood and Chrome, we'll no dough be seeing in this story.
What we're seeing is a Space Opera unfolding that will ultimately lead us to Equestria's birth and Empire, and ultimately define Celestia, Luna, and Star Swirl as the legends we read about in Equestria's history books. As David 8 would say, "Big things have small beginnings..." =3

And this not just goes for these three characters - this is also the story of Princess Platinum, Commander Hirkain, Chancellor Puttinghoof, and their servants Clover, Harmon Pimsey, and Sunbeam and the metamorphosis they're all going to take from the Up-tight selfish Royal Brat, The Racist Murderer and Killer, and Self-centered Chancellor, and their three quiet servants into the six ponies who would ultimately let go of their bigotry and hateful ways and (with Celestia, Luna, and Star Swirl) become the patriots that ultimately founded Equestria and shaped it into what it is today.



While on the subject of the characters, I want to say I'm impressed with their characterization:

Princess Platinum is so much like Rarity, in term of self-center-ness and being a little greedy, and so like how Rarity potray her in the show, but taken to a darker, more extreme level. You can tell that even though she's selfish and self-centered and comes out as a bitch, yet as you read, you get a feeling that underneath that, there's a person looking to wanting to help others. Thus, I see part of Rarity in her - the Generosity side, lying dormant - waiting to be unleashed. No dough its coming. :raritywink:

For General Hirkain (I love how you spelled his name, BTW), he came off right from the start as hard-headed, proud, and strong. Yet when he took his blade and killed GaiaFrea in the first chapter right there in the counsel hall, I could tell right away that the Pegasus isn't that he seems - what we see as a monster and tyrant, the truth is, deep inside, he's scared and fears what the future would bring, and the terrible acts he's committed so far he feels he needs to do in order to protect his people from harm. Something tells me as the story continues, we're going to see the real Hirkain and see him transform from a bigot, murderer, tyrant, and war-breathing psycho into a broken pony who ultimately confesses his mistakes (including killing GaiaFrea) and starts to become the pony from legend - the pony who joins the others in letting go their hate toward each other and help turn Equestria into the utopia it's going to become. :rainbowdetermined2:

Chancellor Puttinghoof, when reading his characterization, I saw the Pinkie-ness within him the moment he started laughing when Sunbeam punched him. This character too ultimately becomes the pony Pinkie potray on the show. :pinkiehappy:

Right away when you read about Harmon Pimsey, you think, "that's her! That's Fluttershy's character!"
And if this pony mirrors Fluttershy, no dough a BIG transformation is coming from him: ultimately, like Fluttershy and her Stare, he'll rise up and stand up against not only Hirkain, but the war and discrimination as a whole and fight for what's right for all of ponykind and fight for what needs to be done - to bring all four pony tribes together and find a new home. :yay:

Clover, I'll can't get much out of her yet, but I can tell Twilight's characterization of her is based solely on what we've seen of her so far. There's no dough that's there's a "magic" to her that will ultimately help lead to Euqestria's founding. :twilightsmile:

Sunbeam, right away - Applejack's character down to a T. Hell, she's ultimately the "First Applejack." A pony of honesty and with a tough no-bullshit attitude. :ajsmug:

Star Swirl, starting out his life as a nopony - a car sellspony no-less - tells me his transformation into the pony of legend will be special, and that what he does will change lives forever.

As for Celestia and Luna, while in the show, we see them as these powerful goddesses, what we never knew is who are they really, and where did they come from? And what I'm reading in the story so far is that they started out in small beginnings mirroring Anakin Skywalker in the Star Wars Prequels up to a certain point - they start out as 3rd class citizens/slaves in a world that's breaking apart around them, and what's going to happen to them with the lose of their father (and mother maybe) will set them on a long road that turn them into patriots like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln - they become two of the founding fathers and mothers of Equestria, while at the same time the war and bigotry around them fuels Luna's mind and giving a small bit of hate that ultimately becomes Nightmare Moon a few centuries after Equestria's founding.


Overall, what you've created here is a Space Opera. One that ultimately will be remembered for years to come.
20 out of 5 :moustache:'s. =3

1780529 :pinkiehappy:

Wow. Either my story is extremely opaque and needs more depth, or you have damn good insights into my story. Only a few tinier details were off, and those will be shown in time, but BSG is exactly where the idea started, and like the first story, there will be references hidden now and again for all different kinds of things (Tv shows, history, etc). Though there won't be nearly as many, since this isn't a comedy (but a hidden joke now and again couldn't hurt! :pinkiesmile:)

Thanks for the review! I will try not to let you down! :rainbowdetermined2:

1780984

Thanks, man. Hey! Did you get my private message? =3

Happy Holidays!

Hope you're enjoying so far and this chapter did not cross a line with readers :fluttershysad:

Next chapter in two weeks for the holidays.

Special shout out for CaptRicoSakara for the amazing review! :yay::twilightsmile::pinkiehappy:

You just murdered my feels. :fluttercry: The Hurricane we saw in the play was a egotistical jerk, but not the kind of pony to allow for genocide. And will you bring the Changelings into this somehow? I want to see them fighting alongside the Alicorns.

1816036

Cmdr. Hirkain's story will be told, but not just yet. As for the fate of the Alicorns, chapter 6 of the Discord Continuum eludes to that, but also remember the title of this story. This is merely the calm before the storm! :pinkiecrazy:

1816036

Also, I hope it wasn't too much like the holocaust. Labor camps are hardly unique to that period of history, but I didn't want to get too close for comfort. It's not something that should be used for entertainment. I tried setting up some distinguishing features, and will keep trying to do so.

1815843
Thanks for the shout out. And I hope my words help you out in future chapters. =3

Hi, I’m cheezesauce, here on behalf of WRITE to give you some feedback. Do note that if this is a crossover, I have no background knowledge of it.

Starbase Harmony (United Coalition of Ponies),the leaders of the Grand Counsel of Ponies

This sentence in the synopsis is missing a space after the comma.

Other than that, the synopsis does its job fine. It gives me a rough overview of the story, but not really one that would draw me into the story. I guess I prefer my pastel ponies in Equestria instead of in space.

called to a teenaged Unicorn colt.

This should be teenage

small scrawny pony

small, scrawny pony

He had plain brown fur with a darker brown mane. He was too little to have a cutie mark just yet. He had been playing catch with some of his friends in a small park.

This is telling.

His mane was silver and scruffy with a darker gray fur. His bangs nearly covered his eyes. The other looked very shy, with a light gray fur and grassy green hair.

You do not have to describe every single character, and you do not have to do it the moment they are introduced into the story. It’s breaking the flow, you see? I’m trying to follow what they’re trying to do with the ball, but all this unnecessary description is in the way. Also, if you wish to describe a character, choose something interesting to talk about. Something that stands out among his other qualities. Something that tells us more on his nature. Reading about how somepony has ‘dark navy fur’ isn’t very exciting, is it?

The scared ponies ran away screaming from what they were seeing.

This sentence is cluttered up with a lot of unnecessary details. We know the ponies were scared, because that’s why they’re running. And who wouldn’t be frightening by a dark, ominous cloud of doom anyway? We also know what they were seeing, so you don’t need that bit as well. Trim out all the fluff in your sentences and leave them short, sharp, and to the point.

The ponies ran away, screaming.

Commander Hirkain

I quite like this character’s name. Unique without leaning into Mary Sue territory.

[Mcp: Monoceros Particles are subatomic sources of energy used in the basis of unicorn magic. Four million particles worth of energy would be the equivalent of 12 nuclear bombs exploding simultaneously.]

Do we really need this? I mean, it’s good to know, but inserting it into the story like this breaks immersion. I’d remove it.

a mass explosion

You mean: a massive explosion?

the table where there was no chair.

Where there were no chairs

He flew across the room rather than walking to display the Pegasi superiority.

Instead of walking across the room, he flew, displaying the Pegasi superiority. Note that you are merely feeding me the information on his motives. Why did he fly across the room? Because he wanted to show how pegasi are superior. You don’t get any points for telling it out like that.

Has anything changed in that regard? She asked him.

Close her dialogue properly.

Cmdr. Hirkain

This is not okay. Spell it out in full.

the commander took the blade from its sheath he wore at his side and slit Galifrea’s throat.

Oh. This is interesting. The story does a dark twist at this point, as tensions continue to build. It also establishes that the Alicorns aren’t that powerful at all. I also do see distinct characterizations for the tribe leaders, and it looks like Commander Hirkain would be the one driving the plot.



Onwards to Chapter 2.

Your chapter titles tend to stick out a bit too much. I’d reduce its size, and perhaps change it to a different font.

“mmm...

This still needs to be capitalized, even though it’s not a proper word.

She sometimes would even practice some of the martial arts moves

She would even practice some of the martial arts moves sometimes

Only one poster

Only a single poster

Celestia said acting surprised.

Celestia said, acting surprised.

Celestia called to her little sister pointing to a table in the school cafeteria.

Celestia called to her little sister, pointing to a table in the school cafeteria.

This chapter builds on the racial tensions between the Alicorns and the other tribes, and it’s done progressively throughout the story. It seemed to be the focus of Chapter 5, escalating quickly from a peaceful march into a full blown battle. Again, the deaths paint a grim setting for the story, justifying the [Dark] tag. You’ve created a lot of tension by the end of Chapter 5.

You and your family will be escorted to a detention facility. This is for your protection.”

The first thing that comes to mind is some sort of holocaust about to take place.

She had never seen her child so mature and brave.

You’re missing a ‘being’ before the ‘so’.

She broke several ribs, but tried to hide the pain.

This is certainly questionable. How on earth can she brush that pain off so easily? It’s not a papercut she’s getting. She broke her RIBS. That would leave anypony screaming their heads off in pain.

“Yes, but-,” she tried to speak.

The correct punctuation for an interruption in dialogue would be an EM dash, and not a hyphen. There is also no need for a comma after the dash.

“Nonsense. Because you’re so weak and pathetic, no pony would ever suspect you.”

This is one of Commander Hirkain’s better lines.




And done! I like the ideas in this story, and if I do continue reading it, it’ll be because of the plot. Description, on the other hand, is rather bare. Most of it ends up as Tell, meaning that instead of showing out an idea, you simply feed it to us. You will need to leave enough room for readers to imagine things out for themselves.

There are also a few slip-ups in grammar and punctuation, but not serious enough to break flow.

Hope you’ve found this review useful.


--cheezesauce, WRITE’s perpetual underground lurker.

fc06.deviantart.net/fs70/f/2012/349/4/b/reviewer_logo_longver03_01_by_burrakupansa-d5o60h2.png

1860984

Thanks for the review! :twilightsmile:

I will look into each recommendation and take the time to patch up the story and improve future chapters.

(Also in answer to your question, it's not a crossover, but the story was based on a chapter from my last story that was a star trek TNG crossover)

I'm glad to hear you liked the story so far and if you do become a reader, I can't think of a better compliment than a reviewer who became a reader. :yay:

Thanks again and happy belated Hearth's Warming Eve! :pinkiecrazy:

Happy New Year!

I decided to release tonight instead of tomorrow, since people will most likely be out celebrating and enjoying lots of Sweet Apple Cider! :applejackconfused::rainbowwild:

You may have noticed the title change (turns out there was already a story called 'The Great Pony War' so I wanted to separate it in case people got confused).

Since I was lazy in getting a chapter out last week (the nerve of me celebrating the holidays! :twilightangry2::pinkiehappy:) I made this chapter twice as long with a good plot twist to make up for it!

Enjoy!

P.S.: I might start posting every 8 days now to switch up release days (bring in some fresh meat for the grinder! :pinkiecrazy:)

Slight flaw in your logic, Zeus: You're going to frikking freeze to death.

Fascinating alternate take on the formation of Equestria. I look forward to more, especially how the three tribes end up on the same planet and how Celestia and Luna make it there themselves. Oh, and how the tech level dropped so precipitously. I suspect two alicorns may have had a hoof in that...

Crud. Hirkain, you fool. Blasted fool. Y did u do that?:facehoof:

Was Macintosh Lemon Kai-Apple meant to be a M.L.K Jr. reference? And in one chapter, Applucia Planter? Braeburn sees what you did there.

Also, to mirror my earlier sentiments:Crud:twilightoops:

Oh Pimsey, ya stupid Pansy. Why must you have been a spy like that?:raritycry::facehoof::applecry::applecry::flutterrage:

So I hope I haven't put everyone into a lull, cause things are about to get interesting! :rainbowdetermined2:

Special shout-out for 1860984 and the W.R.I.T.E group for their insights and critiques to help make this story better.

Also, If you guys are interested, I posted an entry for the January Competition for the The Writer's Group, just a small laugh.:rainbowlaugh:

I'm also working on a quick oneshot for the January Competition for the World-Building Alliance. I'll give a link when that's up. :twilightsmile:

1933252

Maybe. Guess we'll have to see how much next chapter! :pinkiehappy:

Hmm. A stealth ship and alicorns on the precipice of a riot. Shit's about to get real. I look forward to it.

Sh!t just got real! :pinkiegasp::twilightangry2::raritycry::fluttercry:

Any feedback on the story so far? Let me know your opinions/criticisms/comments on the general direction of the story.

:fluttercry: The attention beasts hungers! :flutterrage:

Who is behind the 'Windigos' attack upon Earth, and apparently Pegasopolis and Unicornia I wonder?
Aside from the Q of course. They might have set these events in motion(or not) and cause the unification of the Tribes and Equestria.

Another thing that am I wondering about is whether or not Col. Sanders is chicken or not.:rainbowwild::rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy::yay::moustache::trollestia::derpytongue2:

Comment posted by ZoidbergIsBestPony deleted Jan 16th, 2013

1968189

anybody get the movie reference for Colonel Sanders chicken?
hint: prepare ship for ludicrous speed!!! :rainbowlaugh::pinkiehappy:

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