It's Hearth's Warming season, and Rarity's feelings for Rainbow Dash are beginning to suffocate her. She has to tell Rainbow Dash, she has to find out if they could have a future together like she's always dreamed. Will everything work out in the end, or will her confession attempt be doomed from the start?
Entry for the (Un)Happy New Yuri Contest!
Category: Unrequited Yuri
So uh I have written stories on this website before, but I was really young and embarrassed about them so I deleted them, so this is my first-but-not-actually-first story! I'm really rusty, though; please forgive my amateur writing :)
Pet the Koi
Chapters (1)
Not a bad first attempt.
12070127
Thank you!
Aw this was cute. For a "first" fic I'd say this wasn't a bad attempt! Keep on trying, I know you can improve
Not a bad first attempt. Even if it's not one of my preferred ships, I can see the appeal of RariDash. Personally, if I had started with this premise, I probably would have gone for a Yin-Yang story rather than Unrequited. Good luck with the contest!
Constructive criticism (spoilered to give you the option of reading or not):
1) Your dialogue is a little stilted and overly formal. It feels like everyone's going out of their way to avoid stepping on anyone's hooves, but without the shyness and quirks that define Fluttershy's normal speech (even for Fluttershy). Their exchanges feel a little too "stagy", as if each character knows exactly what their cues are and simply wait patiently for it while the others go on mini-monologues. The exchange between Rainbow Dash and Rarity at the end is actually better than most of the rest in this regard, but even Rainbow Dash's apology feels really formal and staged rather than awkward and hesitant, which would be more in keeping with the situation and her "action over feelings" personality.
2) Some of your sentence structures are kind of awkward, with a tendency for run-on sentences. I have the same tendency to go into run-on sentences, so I'm not throwing stones; it's just something to watch out for.
3) The end is REALLY abrupt. I would have liked to see how Rarity and Rainbow Dash deal with the longer-term aftermath of Rarity's confession. How does it affect their friendship going forward? How does it alter their dynamics with the rest of the cast? Do they manage to find a new equilibrium or are things just too awkward to continue being friends? Does Rainbow Dash struggle to "fix" things without making Rarity feel like a charity case? Or (because I'm a romantic at heart), does Rainbow Dash come to realize she shares Rarity's feelings and try to start a relationship after all? How would that go, especially with Rarity's hurt feelings over the initial rejection? All unplumbed depths that could have added richness and layers to the story beyond "Rarity confesses to Rainbow Dash and gets her heart broken".
12089596
Thank you for your criticism! I know I could have done better and I'm sorry if my lack of experience was obvious
It's also probably very obvious that this was written in three days, it definitely could have taken more time to polish.
12087647
Thank you very much :)
As part of my judging for the contest, I wrote something for your story! You can read it here.