Somewhere in Ponyville, there was this one dark peachy coloured unicorn. He had been in Equestria for a while and had been staying with Zecora. Also, he was something called a “human” before arriving here.
Chapters (4)
- Member Since 9th Jun, 2024
- offline last seen 3 hours ago
AnonymousM7P
How did- HOW DID I END UP HERE!? If I somehow return to Equestria Twilight I swear!
AnonymousM7P
Joined 9th Jun, 2024 ·
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For a first chapter and introduction, this doesn't do it's job exactly right.
A first chapter needs to either excite or draw in a reader to continue reading. Or it should introduce basic facts and show us what kind of of person or setting you have.
We have a basic description of your MC, ok. But beyond that, not much else. You start with your MC already having been in ponyville for a bit, due to familiarity witj Zecora. But no other impressions are given on what it's like to be in a new world, no thoughts on ponyville itself.
And no interactions either with anyone, just sleeping ponies. And that's ok. That could be a quiet morning's introspection, as you guide a reader through what the character is seeing. Even a bunch of strangers should merit a bit more of a reaction if you wake up next to them, or just the situation itself.
The writing itself isn't bad, and I urge you to continue.
12212312
Thanks for the feedback! The idea I had for this prologue was to start somewhere. Basically I'm winging it and see where this story will takes off. Any feedback will do, and I'll keep them in mind. Thank you 😁
12212669
In that case, the best suggestion I can give is to describe more, but from the MC's perspective. We want opinions, dislikes. References to past experiences. We need more to be able to put ourselves in the MC's shoes
12212744
Matter in fact, I'm just writing the next Chapter right now! It's not much, but you'll see...
Why isn't there a human tag?
12212998
That's... A very good point. I'll make sure to update whenever I can! Oh stupid me, I forgot I can do that on my phone, whoops
Pony body?
12222283
Ahh! How could I missed that! Thank you!
Lf chapters...
Decent story/premise. Will be waiting patiently for another chapter.