The Royal Equestrian Army. The New Lunar Republic. A bloody civil war raged between them, neither willing to back down. In the unimaginable horrors of war, can an REA war veteran and an NLR sharpshooter put away their hate, and their weapons, to bring about a seemingly impossible task: the reunification of Equestria?
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Why is there no Luna emoticon..?
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Why do you spam my story?
Anyways.....
HEY YOU.
Yes, you.
I see you reading my first chapter. I know you have opinions. Please, for the love of Celestia, voice them! Comments, Ratings, anything!
and a BIG HUGE MASSIVE ASS THANK YOU to Artimae for being the bestest editor evar!
98293 Pft. I hardly did any work
.
Tracking out of pure faith in the NLR.
>>owndapwn I agree. Where the buck is the Luna emoticon? Madness, I say!
Does someone have a flare for dramatics?!
Madness? THIS IS PONIES!
But seriously:
Overall the story is okay. It would be nice to have some more personality to at least the main characters. Text was a run-of-the mill soldier while Magnum was a better character. But still a bit of a stereotypical "repentant assassin." Be sure to give them character.
Another thing is the leg sirgeries. How do they work? Describe them and what form do they take.
And the guns. I dont know about you but aiming a gun with hooves is hard. No to mention driving. Show how they do those things in an off-handed mention.
A few grammar mistakes are here and there. Mostly in tense. Be sure to keep everything in the correct tense.
A nice job but could use a bit of touching up. 4 stars
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Thanks for the review! It is much appreciated!
As for the character, I already have that planned out. I was going for the "grab the readers attention first, explain later" type of story. Next chapter will have a lot of descriptions, back-stories, etc.
Leg surgeries; sorry about not dwelling on that. I'm trying to add as much information while having my story blend seamlessly, and it's difficult. I might add this, and I might now get to it. To put it simply, they can walk on their back legs with the surgery so they can fire a weapon and do other things, but their speed, agility and endurance is extremely limited, so it's preferred to walk/run on all four legs when possible.
and the guns? Same issue with the last. Never got an opportunity to describe how it works while still having it blend. All-in-all, instead of the trigger being fit for a finger, the whole hoof wraps around it. Obviously it's larger than these lame "human" weapons we know. Imagine pulling a large trigger with your forearm; It's kinda like that, but smaller since they're ponies and all.
Grammar mistakes? Damn. I need to reread more, and have a few words with my editor and proofreaders.
Thanks again for your time!
I know you commented on my story, And I have to say, your work is something to admire. It flows perfectly - in my view - everything is mastered.
Take my 5 stars! just take 'em and go!
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Wow, you don't know how much this means to me. I shall return to writing chapter two with renewed vigor. Thank you so much!
...this is glorious and I demand more of it.
FINALLY!
That was a long chapter!
Sorry for taking so long to update everypony, since I've been so busy and all. I'm contemplating stopping writing, sorry to say, due to how busy I am and how completely unsatisfied I am with my own work. That choice is purely dependent on the feedback I get for this chapter, so if you read it, please rate and comment! It would mean the world to me!
Thanks everyone for reading!
I loved the new chapter. Don't you dare stop writing.
175664 What that guy said.
I've been waiting so long for this! Eh, who cares how long I have to wait, as long as the story's good!
Nice job, Ozz. I would suggest proofreading through for grammar mistakes, as there are a few. Also, you can be somewhat repetitive in your choice of words and phrases. Other than that, so far, this looks fantastic! Good read and I shall track it!
Very good chapter, but there's still grammar problems. Read it out loud to yourself and make sure it sounds right before you publish it.
This is well done, besides the grammar niggles I mentioned earlier. You managed to keep things interesting through the chapter despite its length, which is not an easy thing to accomplish.
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Thanks for the feedback, all of you. I'll start on chapter three very soon, and I also plan on revamping my first two chapters for small errors I may have missed just in case I ever bother trying to make EqD.
Thanks again for all of your support
181643 Nice!
Can't wait.
Yay, New chapter, albeit short. Oh well.
Now I plan to fix up these three chapters and try my luck with submitting it to EqD, so, wish me luck!
once again, PLEASE comment and rate! Your opinion means the world to me!
Another big thank you to Artimae for being an amazing editor, and StSebastian for pre-reading!
Awesome chapter
I think this is the start of a beautiful friendship.
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OZZEH!
Story is great, as always.
God damnit, babe.