tailsopony
Joined 20th May, 2012 ·
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Tailsopony!!!!!
12052231
6-D! lol. Thanks for the comment! Apparently nobody has anything to say for this one.
Dayum that's intense
12052265
Thank you!
Man...poor mare. You know which one I'm talking about
12052282
Yeah, Lyra had a rough day. She got over it though. Thanks for the comment!
Does this count as a case of "task failed successfully"?
The writing is good, I guess I just don't really understand what the overall message or theme is supposed to be here. It starts off psychological, and there's definitely an abject horror to the scene where Lyra finds the real Bon Bon, but then... she just kind of forgives it? Because... love?
People can forgive cheating, and move past it. Hell, people in relationships can move past literal crime in some cases. But Lyra hears and sees that a changeling kidnapped her wife, repeatedly raped her, abused her, and mutilated her... and it's all good? Because love? I got that she sees the changeling as her wife, and Bon Bon as her ex, but she's still... you know, a pony, on which horrible crimes have been committed.
If that conclusion was supposed to come off as a bad thing, it really didn't. It actually seems like everyone's okay with it, especially because the real Bon Bon had basically no say in the matter, at least not in story. I can't really tell if the inclusion of rape is supposed to be just horrifying for shock value's sake, but there's a reason people say not to use those kinds of topics just to create that kind of shock. Sexual crimes ARE a horror already - and they need to be treated as such by the characters in story, or the reader needs to be able to understand why they don't treat it with the same gravity we do.
Like i said, I do enjoy your writing style, and you've built some great tension here. But it all falls a little flat at the ending, at least for me.
12052350
Oh definitely. It's actually more fucked up, but I was advised to leave it as is. Specifically this is from Lyra's perspective, which taints the perceived outcome, and glosses over some real problems.
Bug Bon is an especially bad mother. She has 0 attachment to her kids. It shows in the way they are sort of dismissed by her and Lyra. There is something fucky going on with the way real Bon Bon said "She ate my love for you" and the "impossible love" she has for Lyra. Real Bon Bon is... really messed up, but Lyra doesn't quite understand why. Logically she knows, but she hasn't accepted it. It's in the end where she is trying to send Bon Bon letters. Obviously that's a terrible idea, but she thinks there's a chance. The guards are there because they are necessary. Bug Bon was really young when this started. It's said in the story, but... it's not fully explained. She was basically a kid trying to find somewhere safe using the only skills she knows--"The usual". Which has other, more horrific implications. Lyra frequently understands that she's doing things she shouldn't be. The implication is some light mind control.
Basically, this is a really bad/fucked up end for everybody, but Lyra doesn't notice. Because she's just happy the worst of it is over. Since she's the POV, it glosses especially hard over all the bad things at the end because in the moment, she's happy playing a song for "Bon Bon". Note that she calls it Bon Bon now as well. I wanted to expound on the end a little, but... it wasn't good. Lyra's perspective had to stay, which made it a little too vague. I was really torn on the end, and I'm still a little torn. The fact I gotta write all this out means it's not a great ending, which is unfortunate. Part of the horror is that Lyra is glossing over so much, and the audience doesn't know if that's how she is, or if it's something to do with bug bon.
Thanks so much for the comment! I'm also glad you noticed, even if it wasn't quite what I wanted. lol. Makes me feel less crazy.
12052343
I mean... Maybe? lol.
Very, very depressing story, and a very good one for showing why Changelings are a true nightmare.
12052376
Honestly, I'm glad to know it wasn't intentional. A big problem with writing mind control/alteration is that you need to make sure the audience understands it even though the characters being changed cannot.
If you'd be willing to take some advice from a random bozo with no stories on site - which you are super allowed not to, it's a free world we live in - other perspectives are key to writing this kind of stuff.
It doesn't actually have to be a shift in perspective, like swapping to another character's POV, but if readers have nothing to contrast a controlled characters behavior/beliefs on, it can be hard to do anything but take it at face value.
I think that's what really muddies up the ending for me. Without seeing or hearing what other ponies think about it, it isn't really like "oh wow, Lyra is really being manipulated here!" and it's more like "oh wow, everypony just sucks here." Other people can be more important than the main character when trying to convey an unreliable narrator, is what I'm saying. Otherwise it's all a bit confusing.
Sorry for, uh, cloggin' up your comments. I think this is good, though, and a super interesting concept! When talking about these things it's more important than ever to get the execution right, lest you end up glorifying something you shouldn't. I hope any of my yappin' can help.
12052471
I mean, fan changelings are way worse than canon changelings. But canon changelings are pretty horrific, so, uh... Yeah. I just love the comic introduction where Chrysalis kidnaps the CMC. It really explains how horrifying changelings are.
12052477
I love comments! Especially critical ones that actually thought about what's going on, so thank you! Yeah, a different perspective could have been nice here. I do a lot of playing with perspective in my stories, and I think it's one of the interesting things about written word vs any other media. The only "other perspective" that shows up is Real Bon Bon, but she's... not in a great state of mind, even if she seems to be fine to Lyra. I probably should have had her get interviewed by a guard pony or a psychiatrist or something at the end. Oh! A psychiatry report would have been great. I'm doing something like that in Cleaned Castle, but that's 100% a really dark porn story. So I'm not going to recommend it.
Anyways, Please comment. I love junk comments, but yours (So far) are gold, so they're even better!
12052486
I'm glad you're enjoying it! I've always wanted to comment more, and interact with parts of this community. There are some amazing writers here who don't get nearly enough engagement, and as an artist myself I get how discouraging that can be.
I'll make sure to check out some of your other works - buuuut maybe not the super intense porn, yeah. XD And I'll look forward to whatever you make in the future! :)
Even after looking through the comments to help me parse this story, I feel like I need to go back through and read it again, really pay attention for certain things to properly get it... but it's so dire I'm just not sure I have the energy for that. [Sincerely:] Good job.
Unsettling
12052517
Thank you! That's reasonable. lol.
12052592
That was the intent. Thanks for the comment!
12052852
Well written, but not something i would like to read again x.x
Ok that was fucked up. That one fucked with me. It'll be on the shelf of fucked up fanfics I've read, thought there was really ever only one other one on the shelf and we don't even speak of it. This one will sit with me. It's been a while since I've read something so truly dark. Which is great. Only a truly great writer could make something so wrong. But yeah.
12053065
Thank you! These are the comments I live for! lol
what the actual fuck...
favorited.
but also, send that fucking changeling into Celestia's deepest dungeon. I don't care if its part of its nature, wtf. I get lyra is manipulated and love struck and desperately lonely, but the Equestrian government isn't! If she loves the ling' so much, then go visit it in the dungeon.
12053285
Almost certainly. lol.
THERES CHANGELINGS IN THE TUNNELS!!! ITS THE NEW YORK SYNAGOGUES ALL OVER AGAIN
12053389
I WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! WHO'S CRAZY NOW?
Very nice story, interesting take on the “X character was a changeling this whole time” genre. Amazing how cool Lyra is with everything by the end of it all.