The Cutie Mark Crusaders set off on a mission in Everfree Forest, but an encounter with a wolf splits them up. Sweetie Belle seeks shelter in a mysterious mansion. Rarity's generosity leads her to sacrifice herself for her sister, but now she must confront the beast.
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My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic Fanfiction
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Well, for starters, yes, it's a little short, and everything happened really quick, you can slow down the pace a little, maybe adding a longer prologue, or making chapters longer (in the next cases).
Other than that, i see no glaring grammar mistakes and your vocabulary is fine, so are the mechanics.
A little more explanation on the crusaders' actions before they went to the forest, while not necessary, would have helped, try to expand things a little further, as some readers can get lost and don't get things right away.
The story for now started with our beloved fillies and their shenanigans going wrong, that's pretty common, but the rest has me interested, and i would like to see what kind of adventure rarity gets into...
You should continue, you can definitively improve this and make it even more enjoyable
98997
Thanks so much.
I think I whipped through the crusaders' camping activities because I want to get on to the main part of the story. I'll try and slow down for the next chapter.
if this beast was a unicorn at one point, he could proboly still use magic
103134
The beast is quite mysterious! He can use magic - but Rarity can't anymore.
Mmm, you got me even more interested, a little typo in the master's description:
"His fur was a hint lighter than charcoal, the the color of something that was once beautiful and living but now an ugly side-product."
This was a clear improvement, i expect that you put the rest of the pieces together as you advance the history.
Other than that,
let's see how she handles this...
Send in the greatest equine of them all:
img.ponibooru.org/_images/865bcad81e1dedd0c1eb55ccd3897273/62494%20-%20artist%3Aomny87%20Gaston%20pony_joe%20prince_blueblood.jpg
Holy crap! I just dropped by to read this and it's quite interesting here. Please by all means continue on.
Oh sorry, but I forgot to hit the track button. :D
I liked it I'm excited for when it comes out of hiatus