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"My mare, my mare
Don't you lie to me
Tell me where did you sleep last night?
In the pines, in the pines,
Where the sun doesn't ever shine
I would shiver the whole night through..."
Fluttershy goes to visit Rainbow Dash.
Inspired by the Lead Belly song of the same name.
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I'm actually quite proud of this fic, too bad it'll only get like 300 something views.
So a little something: One genre I do not touch is romantic. I've never been a romantic guy, and I personally think relationships are a bit worthless during my stage in life. But when inspiration strikes, I do not ignore. I like how this fic started off, let's hope you guys do too. I plan on putting in three or four more chapters.
And yes, I do like Lead Belly. I know this song from Nirvana's famous cover, but I went and checked out a few other of Lead Belly's songs, and I must say they were amazing. Here's "Where did you Sleep Last Night", as covered by Nirvana.
Saw this immediately thought of Nirvana.
My brain put 2 and 2 together. Looking forward to see how this turns out!
But now I must check out Leadbelly and sleep.
Love the song, and the fic so far. Faving ^^
Leadbelly and Nirvana both amazing artist/musicians. Amazing song. Looking forward to this story.
1443442 I'll be looking forward to your review of the fic!
Intriguing.
Very cool, can't wait to see more.
Damn. A sad tag...
Well I need some feels, let's do this.
Feels... Ow...
What happened to them :(
1444292 dats what i want to know D:
Oh wow! I'd never actually read one of your serious fics before, but MAN....that was amazing and I should definitely check them out.
1450667 Really? Well then... another good serious one to check out would be "Foals" or "Twilight Sparkle and the Infinite Sadness"!
1450690 Oh no, you'd know if I'd read it because I would comment on it. I usually do that with fics. At least, I try to .
1450697 Ah, alright. Check 'em out when you have time.
Interesting. I'm curious to know what happened. The song won't spoil the story for me will it? (I haven't listened to it yet, just in case.
)
1466872 Probably not... Listen to it, you'll fall in love with Kurt's voice if you haven't already.
I'm not sure whats going on, why is Dash in a cave all beat up?
1506943 I'm just about to post the next chapter, which will offer some insight.
I really like this as a first chapter. You've given the reader enough info to have a vague idea what's going on, but you still leave questions that the reader wants anwsered. From a storytelling perspective, a big step above She is Beautiful.
-ClarinetOverlord
1512982 Haha, EEyup.
She is Beautiful... let's not talk about that
1513778
Agreed.
A few minor typos in this chapter, but otherwise good work
Warning: Curiosity meter at full!
Need... ...more... ...information.
Warning: Curiosity meter at full!
Need... ...more... ...information.
My own guess is that Dash killed him. In the first chapter, a wanted criminal was mentioned. When I was reading through it just before reading this chapter (to make sure I was up on everything) that stuck out. She's accused, and wanted...but even with that standing as pretty obvious, I agree with you in that I really do want to know who he is, and WHY she either killed him, or seemed, in the eyes of the law, to do so...though I suppose it might be something other than murder. That was just the vibe I got.
Anyways, good chapter, enjoyed it quite a bit.
.
1532452 Hey, thanks!
Huh. The first fic of yours that I've read and I didn't say "What the fuck."
....... UPDATE.
1545062 Yeah, I like this fic. It's got quality.
1631888
25.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_m6parhcwVw1rsbzr1o1_500.gif
Seriously, thank you.
Hey man, it's tencentpartycannon. I just wanted to say thanks. Your comments on my story were truly appreciated, as it was my first fic I ever wrote, much less posted here. It made me feel truly at home here, and I thank you for your help. Now that the mushy part of this message is over
I really enjoyed this fic.
1771315
1771691 You need to update this moar. I really like where you were going with it.
2081884 Ok, so I'm trying
But my brain is all like "No, write a story where Pip gets abducted by aliens and is anal probed"
So yeah
2081976 fair enough. I was hoping that focusing on the somber mood of your friends all deserting you on fimfic would help
darn it
(<3)
2081990 Excuse me
Ponky did not desert us
He blew the place up, did a fabulous backflip, and sauntered away singing loves songs to SS&E at the top of his lungs.
2082006 this is true
i didn't really follow ponky tho tbh
come in chat btw, you've missed some choice shit this evening
2082008 Oh my
Warning: This comment contains spoilers. If you don't want spoilers, DON'T read this comment!
Hello Regidar. I'm Not Worthy, some schmuck that likes to express his inarticulate opinions even though he's an idiot. I would like to give you a critique on this piece, but if you don't want it, you may delete it. I leave it up to you to do whatever you will with this critique.
I would like to say that you shouldn't heed every single piece of advise if, at some point, it would conflict with some image you wish to portray. Also, don't let this discourage you at all, please; this is only meant to help you, and it's coming from a person that's not good at writing.
With this out of the way, I'll begin this.
This is your very first impression on your readers, and in my own personal opinion, there's one word here that's very misleading. I don't like the word "was" given the next few paragraphs. This is meant to be an-explanation for her enjoying the rain, and the word "was" sets the rest of this particular thought that it's raining and she's going to enjoy it (which is not the case in the next few paragraphs). I feel as though if you replace "was" with "had" and put the word "been" in between "always" and "a," you would still show that she has enjoyed the rain while leaving the possibility that something's wrong, that this isn't a normal occasion. I'm not sure if I made that clear, but that's how I feel about it.
Now to analyze your first paragraph as a whole.
I've seen much worse beginning paragraphs, but this first paragraph is fairly bland. First off, your second sentence is misleading; the first part communicates that other ponies STAY OUT OF the rain, while Fluttershy IS CALMED by it; it's not a contrast, which is kinda a problem. The mention of the novels is also distracting, since it doesn't make any comment on the animals around it. Do the animals sleep around her? Are they engrossed in the book with her? And talking about calming her, what is it about the rain that calms her? Does the SOUND of the rain or the SMELL of the rain or the TASTE of the rain or even the SIGHT of the rain calm her? Or is it just a good time because it isolates her from her obligations? It's just odd. These sentences don't paint a picture clearly.
Getting away from the technicals and looking at this paragraph as a part of a much larger picture, as it is right now, it's actually nice, methinks. It sets up what the usual is, and with how we know the characters, this is fine. It doesn't immediately throw us into the situation, and I like this little paragraph of exposition. I just really don't like that word "was" and I believe it hurts your entire story.
I place these two paragraphs together because I feel as if they should be considered as a single paragraph, since both communicate what she's going to do on this particular day. That beginning paragraph is very difficult for me to read because it reads awkwardly. Are you trying to say "This day, howeverm was different, and not only because it was more of a foreboding downpour than a light rain"? Please reread that sentence.
There is also a concept here that bothers me: the fact that Fluttershy's taking the time to buy a bunch of books when her friend is down at the bottom of a cave possibly dying... to death. I'll get to that later, though.
Now for the positive: this is a nice set-up you have. I feel that with some clean-up it could be downright great. As it is, there are quite a few things that distract from it.
Consider using em-dashes instead of those first two commas:
"As the night descended upon Equestria—though one could hardly tell with all the rain—Fluttershy had everything she needed."
Not a criticism, but a suggestion.
I do question at the very least why Fluttershy didn't check on her fish. I can understand if Rainbow Dash takes precedence, but the way you have it is like she doesn't really care at all. Hasn't she experienced this type of river weather before, and prepared accordingly? It seems either neglectful to have her just go away or odd that she's even thinking they'd be in any danger.
I dunno, maybe it's just the way you have it worded that bothers me. Another word that bothers me is "useless." In this context, it seems worthless, and you'd probably be better off without having that word there.
One thing I will commend you on, in your chapter in general, is your attempt to create a vivid setting. It could be better, but it's decent.
Why is it important that we know she stuck to the north side? Was there less of a chance for her to be spotted? Is there cover? Is her destination in that direction? The way you have it, it sounds like she's trying to avoid something by keeping to the north.
This may just be me, though.
I actually really like your mention of Pipsqueak here. It's a nice little tension break, and it's just so darn enjoyable thinking about that image in the rain. HOWEVER, with his being the only pony she saw, I feel like that mention of her trying to avoid ponies is unnecessary.
Apart from that phrase "who had just arisen recently" which seems a bit unnecessary, I think this is a great paragraph. It not only raises the tension with the picked-up wind, but also shoots new tension in with this new criminal poster. Very nice.
Why is this its own paragraph? It doesn't really communicate anything other than forgettable information, and with its standing alone, it will most likely be forgotten. It has no significance on its own, I believe. Also, that phrase "to be" sounds unnecessary.
I think "instead" is an awful word to have here. consider getting rid of it completely.
Anywho, this entire bit leaves me wondering who's telling the story, and why they're interjecting their own thoughts in here. If someone else (possibly Rainbow Dash) is telling the story, this thought-interjection is fine, but not if it's blunt and without personal opinion. If this is meant to just be a story told by an omniscient narrator, then why is that narrator interjecting his or her own thoughts? WHY!? This is the biggest thing that bothered me in this chapter.
Once again, I question who the narrator is. Why is this like a storybook? Is that what it's supposed to be? Am I not getting that? Is this some style I've just never seen before? Who is this guy to interject in Fluttershy's plight and say "she should just turn back"?
I'm not sure what you're intending to convey here, but just in case this isn't intentional, I suggest making this either a) thoughts that Fluttershy has, or b) descriptions that you can use to show Fluttershy's fear.
Basically, the possibly-overused phrase "show, don't tell" (unless this interjecting narrator will play a bigger part later on).
I put these together because I don't feel like this information's in the right order. I feel as though if you have the JUSTIFICATION of her friend needing her and then have the ACTION, it would seem more plausible for her to go in here. As it is, though, the information is good.
But too much of a good thing...? Okay, now I'm guessing that there's an ulterior narrator telling this tale, one for whom this story is integral. Anywho, this isn't very atmospheric, as there's no indication of sounds (or lack thereof) or any sort of tactile descriptions. Of course, this could be due to trying to focus your descriptions on something specific, that being the scent of the pines. Still, something about sounds or tactile descriptions could benefit you.
This is actually very VERY nice description. I like this very much. Ignore that sound/tactile description comment above.
There are a few things I would like to mention about the second paragraph here:
1. You're saying the rain tried FORCING its way through, which makes me think you're trying to personify the rain. Is that for a specific purpose, like the rain is trying to stop her, to drown her in her guilt? Why is it trying to force its way through the forest? I think you could do something with that (if you're interested), but what was your intention of using "trying to force"?
2. So she OCCASIONALLY slipped and CONSTANTLY lost her balance? How does that work?
3. I think you should replace "was able" with "managed".
Moving along then!
I have many problems with this paragraph:
1. The way you word your first two sentences here bamboozle me. Why does the narrator dote on the "not QUITE her destination"? If you're trying to make it flow, then you should have something like this: "After some time, Fluttershy reached her destination: a small ravine big enough for somepony to squeeze through"; if you're trying to add in an uncertain or descriptive narrator, then you could have something like this: "After a while, Fluttershy came across her destination—or rather, above it."
2, Why use the words "came across"? Is she passing it? I feel like the phrase "arrived at" would work better.
3. I feel like "the perfect hiding place" would spark more interest if it were placed at the end of this paragraph, or as a single-sentence paragraph after this one.
4. I don't like how you say that the water "tumbled" in the darkness. I can't picture what you're trying to portray (if this is the right word, then keep it), but I imagine waterfalls plummeting or plunging into darkness.
Moving on:
Not a very effective single-sentence paragraph, to be frank.
I hate this paragraph. You can present this as a very special paragraph, as a new point of interest, but the way you combine the light IMMEDIATELY with Fluttershy's analysis of the cave frustrate me. Candlelight is the focus of the chapter, right? Shouldn't it have, like, its own paragraph? Or some special connotation to her? Shouldn't she be worried that the light's about to go out instead of the "creepiness" of the cave? Or shouldn't she be relieved that there's still a light? The broadness of how Fluttershy feels about the cave takes away from this important symbol in the story, and that frustrates me.
What is candlelight supposed to represent, anyway? Hope in dark times? Sticking close to one another so the darkness doesn't completely devour us? [I will admit that I'm not too familiar with "Where Did You Sleep Last Night"'s meaning, so I can't say whether or not you achieved some sort of goal here]. You did nothing with it.
Again with that interjecting narrator. With this narrator's talk about how Fluttershy should've turned back, I find it odd that he or she's wondering why Fluttershy hadn't turned back (that is, if there's an ulterior narrator at all). Also, the way you said she HAD to go down there without a mention of her friend either a)shows a submissive crawling-back-to-her-master situation, or b)is a weak method to get Fluttershy down there. You decide.
This is nice. This is very nice, actually.
This is VERY good. You seem to hit a good streak with meticulous setting.
Very evocative and great! Some debatable awkward arranging of words here, putting "screaming" before the action and not integrating it into the action itself ("Fluttershy screamed, closed her eyes and prepared to die right then and there, when suddenly her wings burst open.") or stretching and flapping NOT in the action even though that could've been used as making this frantic-before-safety ("She flapped quickly, slowing her descent, allowing her to alight the wet cavern floor unharmed.") These are just suggestions, though.
My only problem with this is that I can't imagine there being a "left side" to a cave. I can imagine there being an area TO Fluttershy's left, or there being open space while Fluttershy's against a wall. I'm not sure if I came across as clear. But this is very nice description.
You need a hyphen for that underlined phrase UNLESS you get rid of the word "now." This, however, to me, brings the candlelight to some actual important focus: as a source of illumination (and possibly discovery).
I really don't like how you're using this phrase "had seen better days". It's not very evocative of anything, and it conveys the mood in a fairly cliched manner. HOWEVER, this makes me think that if you're going with ulterior narrator, Rainbow Dash is it; she'd probably be one that would begin a painful recounting with "Yeah... I saw better days."
Also, what is "painful to listen to"? Was she wheezing? Heaving? I think showing is a good tactic to employ here.
Perhaps just have "pegasus' " here, so it doesn't look like you used one too many letters. I also think you could've employed a very small conflict here: between Fluttershy's polite urge to leave Rainbow Dash to her possible sleep and her desire to aid her friend. Perhaps with a "she considered
letting the mare sleep, but the death-laden breathing brought her urgently closer." Just a possibly; I believe this small interaction is nice enough.
Why did she consider leaving? I honestly can't think of any reason she would, and I will venture and say that that was poor characterization.
Consider changing "wasted" to "a waste". I combined these because it appears you missed a space between paragraphs (if you didn't, then ignore this).
I just honestly cannot wrap my mind around why she would've left Rainbow Dash after all the supplies she brought with her. I honestly feel like that was a terrible choice on your part. If you absolutely must have this characterization, then by all means keep it; as of right now, I'm confused.
I cannot understand what you tried to accomplish here.
This troubles me, but not because it's necessarily bad. Please consider your options here: if this is told from somepony's point-of-view, then please keep that "strong sense of pain" phrase. If it's meant to be from a third-person point-of-view, then perhaps show us a cringe in her face or a sharp quicker breathing. I have to leave this interpretation up to you.
That was a very good move you've made. Keep with the candlelight, and light a new one as they are brought together.
This is okay, but why did you take the time to describe just the size of it? I feel as though if you wanted to describe how cramped this place was, you could've made a comment about how close the "walls" were, or how the rainwaterfalls kept falling down making an annoying sound, or even where this water's going, if it can go anywhere? I feel like this is either not enough or completely unnecessary. Besides, if you want us to know about how small this place is, why not mention that Fluttershy has to crouch or hits her head on the ceiling at one point?
1. Why the ellipses? Do you really hear Fluttershy pausing while she's saying she's brought food?
2. If she was eating like "she would never eat again," wouldn't she savor the food? I feel like "dug into the food like she hadn't eaten in weeks" would've been a more apt simile.
3. That underlined part is fucking beautiful Bravo on that description. I'm not sure if you capitalized on that, but bravo.
Which would be to bandage her up and apply some sort of painkilling potion, right?
...Yeah, this is another one of my complaints I have. She *spoilers for chapter 2* bandages Rainbow Dash in chapter 2, but not here when Rainbow Dash is obviously in pain. WHY?
Obviously in pain, obviously the time to snuggle. Apologies, Regidar, but this is hella-confusing. Does this really make sense to you? If so, and you KNOW this is how it should be, keep it.
With the suddenness of this action, I feel like the word "softly" is more distracting than evocative. Besides, you describe the kiss in the next paragraph, so why do you need that word here?
I think you need a period after "ending"; as it is, that's a run-on sentence.
I think you could use that cricket and the candlelight very subtly here: the candlelight may be a source of comfort, and the cricket could come forth to the light to warm itself (not sure how stupid that sounds), or it could just be illuminating, bringing something in the unknown to light—possibly like Rainbow Dash's secret.
Also, what significance does the word "earnestly" have here?
This is an okay exchange, I think. I kinda find it odd that Fluttershy has the "not since" part there, but I'll leave that up to you to interpret. I do think the pacing here is nice.
There's a lot I don't like about this exchange. First off: CYAN and RAINBOW and YELLOW. They don't add anything at all.
Secondly, I can't follow this justification-train. Fluttershy could've said "no" in a mock-reassuring tone and Rainbow Dash could've either taken it gladly or taken it with suspicion or not believed her at all; Fluttershy could've said "I wasn't there" and Rainbow Dash could've became bitter that her best friend would even suspect her; Fluttershy could've stayed quiet, shocked and frightened, and THAT could've justified the whole "I'm so sorry" act. As it is, I cannot follow what just happened; it's like you have too much.
...Pushover? What are you trying to characterize here? I don't think this is about being a pushover (but it could very well be).
Hmm... this is okay.
You change the POV here. Why?
Well, as a closer, this is kinda vague. It doesn't really say anything about the situation or the characterization. It sorta just happens—I can see a semblance of Fluttershy agreeing to "just pretend," but not really enough, or not enough reluctance.
Well, that ends my critique of chapter 1. My final thought are these:
-Your grammar's nice for the most part.
-Lavender Unicorn Syndrome ran rampant through this chapter, and it got annoying.
-You give some nice focus on the rain, although I question why you personified it.
-You give little focus on the candlelight that's the namesake for this chapter, which is very bad.
-You have descriptions of the settings that are either basic and vague or superfluous.
-Your characterization is odd at times, but seemingly genuine.
-Why does Fluttershy not focus on the wounds?
-You gave a very nice description of setting during her descent into the ravine
Also, judging from your other chapter title, light will be a motif; and from the cover art and this chapter, rain will be a motif. I'll keep that in mind as I go along.
All in all, it could be much worse, and it's interesting, to say the least.
Well, I hope you find this useful, Regidar. Do with this what you will. I wish you the best of your talents with this story, if you so continue it.
So how bout those updates amirite
2349318 Haha nice try
Hey.
Hey Regidar.
Hey.
Continue this sexy story you sexy beast.
Love you
regi y u no updat
3304769 why you care
3306257
i lik storie
3306311 kk
3306341
T-T
Well here I am, signing up an' shit, simply to leave a comment about my surprise at someone else of a younger generation like myself having actual knowledge of good ol' Leadbelly. Srsly, you have no idea how few people have heard of him... Btw: novel tale, chum.
4176871 I was, of course, given exposure to the song by Nirvana, but I listened tot he Lead Belly version and it was gooood.
4176953 Of course it was good! One ought to listen to moar of his songs, maybe inspiration will strike again...
Another story I hope to see updates with. This was pretty good.
Personally speaking, I enjoy your more serious fics like this then your comedies. I think it's just the sense of humor that doesn't work for me in them. 'One small favor' being my favorite so far of your comedies I've read. I liked that one quite a bit.
Stories like this. They make me smile and want to see a little more of what you can do. I have many more stories to read and I hope to find more like this. Of course, no matter what I find. I still love you for being you. :)
-Reader Out-